Asd and school refusal

Please some help .my 14 year old autistic daughter is refusing school .seems to prefer her room. .not wanting to go out .I'm.feeling a bad mum.when im not .

My Daughter is in Y10. We have had anxiety issues for years, but it all came to a head post lockdown .. she only managed a few weeks in school, then nothing. October time last year she was saying she would sooner be dead than be in school, she was having panic attacks, and (I think) had a period of depression.
Anyhow we got a CAMHS referral (first appointing shocking, so go a much better second one), I also have a relative who runs a scheme for Young People struggling in Mainstream, who got my daughter a counsellor. From that, they are now investigating “high functioning autism”, our S&L appointment has come through fairly quickly, we are there in two weeks.

School have also been really supportive .. she’s not in school, but they have offered lots of adjustments. They are currently looking at having help the new Y7 to adjust.. so she’s in a Y6 with a partner primary tomorrow. Anything to get her in, TBH., they couldn’t have been better.

When it first started, my mental health took a real knock … then I realised it’s not my job to get her in school - there are teams of professionals who can do that… it’s my job to make sure she feels safe, to make sure I’m there to talk to, to offer support.

She seems much happier since autism was mentioned … she’s gone through years of “what’s wrong me with” , and now it’s “ah, neuro-diverse”. As for the anxiety, CAHMS have told me that they can work on that, we just need to figure out the root cause.

My daughter still feels confident in passing her GCSEs (although she has missed a year … and I’m not sure it’s going to happen) - TBH, I’m not that bothered, maybe she’ll take her exams at 16, 17, 21 .. who knows ??? And you can go to university at any age you like.

School refusal is not the child/ young person being defiant, neither is it bad parenting. It is often due to an anxiety or panic disorder that the child/ young person has managed to mask for years, but falls apart during adolesance.
Don't feel guilty or ashamed.
I deregistered my son, allowed him to de school in his own time.Dr schooling is a really important process. My son is two years down the line now 16, , and waiting to sit his exams at a local college as a private candidate. He has really turned things around, so don't despair. There are othe routes, and Not Fine At School Facebook group has been very helpful, you feel less alone.
Good luck to you both.

oh, how i know those feels OP.. my ExH's behaviour and lack of understanding about DS was one of the contributing reasons in our marriage breakdown.

Its bloody hard, but the house is much more peaceful, and runs a lot smoother without him around sticking his oar in and causing meltdowns.

just sending i have a teen with ASD, diagnosed when he was 10, so i know how hard it is.. i think the main difference is, i suspected ASD all along as i have family with it.

The main thing to do is breathe, find support groups, and the SEN board on here, there are also some good groups/pages on FB which i found a massive help when navigating this.

You need to do your research, both on autism, and the law, and what the school is legally obliged to provide to help him. Ask for their SEN policies, and find out about the 'local offer'. Contact your local Parent Partnership (sometimes called SENDIASS) for advice.

Talk to the Senco at school, get the ball rolling on applying for an EHCP, and get the support he needs in class.

My lad often refused, or he would play up to get suspended so he wouldn't have to go in.. if he went in he refused to work. It was simply that the sensory environment at the school was too much for him.

He now attends a specialist school for kids with Autism and no other LD's and he has barely missed a day.

The main thing for you to remember here, is you are your childs ones and only advocate, so you need to get tough about making sure he gets all the help and support that he needs to get through.

And no feeling guilty, home NEEDS to be their safe space.. you'd see DS at home and think 'normal teenager' because i have put a lot of work into our homelife, his bedroom and our routines to suit him and make him feel safe, secure, and loved... but if i take him out of this house (and he often refuses to even leave the house) its a WHOLE other ballgame, and i have to supervise him like a hawk to make sure he remains calm.

You've got this

Yes, I agree ‘school refusal’ is not the correct word. His needs are not being met and you are protecting not enabling. Don’t feel guilty.

My son had a home tutor from the LEA as it was recognised that he was not able to attend school for a medical reason (ASD, anxiety). He had the tutor while an EHCP a was applied for and a more suitable school setting found.

Don't deregister unless you actually want to EHE, which it doesn't sound like you do. It is easier to get support whilst still on a school's roll even if not attending, because, crudely, you are someone's 'problem'. It is all too easy to be forgotten out and brushed off when EHE.

You can get home tuition, online schooling, an independent school or oversubscribed school named via an EHCP. And, an EHCP would give you access to therapies and other provision too.

Apologies Crazy.

Firstly i hate the term school refusal. It implies choice. His needs are not being met so he is too anxious to be at school. Don't let school or other parents suggest you are enabling what you are doing is protecting which is what you should do as a parent.

I have two children with Autism and complex needs who both are now out of the school system as it is the wrong environment for them to learn and thrive in. Mainstream didn't work and there are no suitable sen schools locally so the LA funds the arrangement on an EOTAS basis.

I am hoping my eldest who is now year 10 will manage college and that is what we are working towards now.

Good luck OP. If you don't already have one then you need to apply for an EHCP and start looking at what provisions will meet his needs. Remember that mental health should come first. Many children are in this situation the Not Fine In School facebook page is a good place to go as you will see you are not alone.

Lots of areas have new emotionally based school avoidance policies as this has become a hot potato topic in SEN since the pandemic. Take a look at your local authority website to see if they have one as you can use it as leverage with school and the LA.

Your responsibility is to find a school that he will attend. Are there any mainstream schools with ASD units nearby? You need to find a suitable school as it doesn’t seem his current school is the right environment or can provide the right support. You can apply for a EHCP yourself. Online school is an option but no you child can’t spend the days on his computer console gaming. I’ve had a ASD school refuser we choose a school he could cope with. Nothing is perfect would he prefer to stay at home yes but he does go in. He will get GCSEs and A levels - he needs a lot of support at home, he is very clever but I need to sit with him to do his homework every night. My ASD child has very little self direction it’s tiring and time consuming. He spends nearly all his spare time on computer consoles but I’ve managed to get him in school that’s as much a win a I can hope for. Do I worry every day he will school refuse again yes and it probably won’t go away.

Keep a diary.

An autism diagnosis (which I'm not sure if you've got or not) is a starting point, it gives you ideas of different levers to pull and can give you a bit of a stronger voice. But he is still the same child, a diagnosis in itself doesn't solve anything. Autism or not, you have the same nuts and bolts problems to solve day in, day out. I had this idea that a diagnosis would unlock solutions but 4 years in I'm afraid it still feels like we are making it up as we go along. But, we do it better now because we understand where he is coming from a bit better - and that can be a challenge with any teen especially one with communication differences.

Since my son has reverted to almost 100% refusal he is way happier then if it’s at at all possible home educate him.

Sorry, I'm not in the uk. Hopefully, the UK has more support available. It would be nice to hear about people who have found a way out of this. My son does homeschool too, but it depends on his mood. He's extremely intelligent. It's tough.

It's been about a year but the diagnosis didn't change anything. The school don't really say anything, I think they don't know what to do or say. Things may get better, but may stay the same. I don't know. Unfortunately it's a situation that is becoming more and more common these days. Sorry, I wish I could be more hopeful.

Apply for an EHCNA. You can do this yourself, IPSEA have a model letter on their website you can use. Medical needs tuition should be organised when it becomes clear the pupil will miss 15 days. For ongoing conditions the 15 days do not need to be consecutive, they can be cumulative.

Crazy you should apply for an EHCNA, too. In addition to this the LA have a statutory duty to provide education to those unable to attend school, including because of their mental health or additional needs.

You do need a relationship with the school. I have no idea what their opinion of you is, but it is their job to ensure he receives an education and it is unacceptable to shrug when you can't get him in. Is there a reintegration plan? Are they taking advice from specialist support services?

This situation is not uncommon. It can't be the only time they've encountered school refusal. What do they have in place for him?

For what it's worth, we saw a doctor whose son also has ASD and he said that school is just too overwhelming. The noise, the people, etc. He said not to force him to go and just encourage him to find things that he is interested in to study at home. My son is really into coding, so has been doing courses on coding. He said forcing him to attend school was the worse thing I could do. So, that did make me feel a lot better. It's not you fault your son is struggling. You are doing your best to support and care for him.