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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teen run away

43 replies

Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 14:45

My 15 year old dd keeps running away. She generally stays in contact with me via text but won’t always say who she’s with or lies. It’s generally only for a night or two. But I have to call the police. It’s happened twice now where I’ve had to phone the police and there’s been a couple of other one nighters where she’s stayed out but I’ve not had to call the police as she’s told me where she is and I’ve spoken to the parent. But it’s like she just goes out and texts me at 8/9pm to tell me she’s staying out, I say no and she doesn’t care. Even when I’ve spoken to the mums, they’re not people I know or friends I’ve heard of and I’m under the impression they’re not great parents.
Aibu to say I can’t cope with her?
I’m worried about social services, but at the same time need help. What will they do? I can’t physically keep her in if she wants to go. She’s just about going to school. I tell her not to go out after, but she does anyway, I just have to wait and see what time she comes home as she doesn’t answer the phone.
She has no boundaries now and there’s nothing I can do. She’s acting like she hates me and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen, to her as an individual and with social services.

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Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 29/10/2024 11:26

@shellfone4 In your shoes I think I would send him abroad. I sent my daughter away for the odd weekend wherever I could, just to get her some distance from the people she was with, I even booked holidays just to get her away. It helped give her some clarity, but only temporarily.
it’s really good that he is engaging with professionals, that’s a good sign. It’s so scary isn’t it, gang culture with boys is particularly terrifying. Is it possible to move? Social services offered to move us but I didn’t want to at that point and had other children to consider. Luckily in the end I didn’t need to.

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shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 11:02

@Blossomplease6 so happy for you that your daughter is doing much better now ❤️the pain is unbearable when they do this all the best for you and your family x

shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 11:01

@Blossomplease6 thank you so much for a reply 😭I feel so scared of the future, good to hear your relationship with your daughter is better now ❤️ my son has definitely got Involved with the worst company you can imagine been excluded from school shows no intrest at all. Really contemplating sending him abroad for a while with family members as as long as we live round here I cannot see anything changing 😩 he doesn't see danger at all currently hanging around with gang members. We have youth workers and social workers to work with him currently he does engage but still does what he wants the minute he is out and doesn't answer his phone, I've called police and he still done this again yesterday got back at 1 in the morning, he's completely changed over night :(

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 29/10/2024 10:04

Hi, sorry to hear things are tough for you. We had a tough few years, mental health was a huge factor. Social services did become involved and she was on a CIN plan for a short while, and very nearly CP at one point due to county lines. Managed to claw her back from that so avoided the CP, but she stopped going to school completely, they stayed invoked though. CIN plan was dropped as she would engage with the social worker, and it was deemed there was enough professionals involved via school and CAMHS.
It got a lot worse before it got better, heavy drug use. She’s now doing much much better. Still struggles, doesn’t work and left school with no qualifications but is in a better place mentally, no croaky behaviours and our relationship is the best it’s ever been.

Only advice I can give is take all the support you can get and just be as loving and supportive as you can, when he’s ready, be there.

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shellfone4 · 29/10/2024 09:56

Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 14:45

My 15 year old dd keeps running away. She generally stays in contact with me via text but won’t always say who she’s with or lies. It’s generally only for a night or two. But I have to call the police. It’s happened twice now where I’ve had to phone the police and there’s been a couple of other one nighters where she’s stayed out but I’ve not had to call the police as she’s told me where she is and I’ve spoken to the parent. But it’s like she just goes out and texts me at 8/9pm to tell me she’s staying out, I say no and she doesn’t care. Even when I’ve spoken to the mums, they’re not people I know or friends I’ve heard of and I’m under the impression they’re not great parents.
Aibu to say I can’t cope with her?
I’m worried about social services, but at the same time need help. What will they do? I can’t physically keep her in if she wants to go. She’s just about going to school. I tell her not to go out after, but she does anyway, I just have to wait and see what time she comes home as she doesn’t answer the phone.
She has no boundaries now and there’s nothing I can do. She’s acting like she hates me and I’m so scared about what’s going to happen, to her as an individual and with social services.

Hi abit of a long shot, I can see this was posted in 2022, im in the same situation. Did anything work for your daughter in the end ? Did social services help ?Please tell me things got better ? I'm going out of my mind with worry my son is also vulnerable x

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 22:52

She says she doesn’t know what’s going on or why she’s behaving this way but she doesn’t see it as running away. She sees it as “living her life and just going to see her mates”.

She’s home again now.

OP posts:
Coldwine75 · 16/05/2021 21:44

What are her reasons for running away all the time?

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 21:37

She knows she can call me anytime to go and get her. She did this morning.
But I can’t tell her if she tells me where she is I won’t need to call the police. I’ve tried that and she was just abusing it. She told me she was staying at her friends (not asked) I spoke to the mum (who I’ve since found out is useless and lets them do what they want) and she went in to school the next morning with cannabis and got excluded so the school have categorically told me I need to report her missing if she doesn’t come home and I don’t know the people she’s with. I can’t ignore that.

I won’t take her phone. I almost want someone to just lock her up somewhere so I don’t have to keep worrying and dealing with this.

OP posts:
MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 21:12

@reallyreallyborednow

Also, if you can’t stop her can you compromise?

Tell her if she answers her phone, and lets you know she’s safe, preferably where/who she’s with, you will not contact police etc to come pick her up unless you think she’s in danger.

And tell her she can call you always, any time and you will come and pick her up. Whatever the reason.

This would've been really helpful when I was a teen.
reallyreallyborednow · 16/05/2021 21:10

Also, if you can’t stop her can you compromise?

Tell her if she answers her phone, and lets you know she’s safe, preferably where/who she’s with, you will not contact police etc to come pick her up unless you think she’s in danger.

And tell her she can call you always, any time and you will come and pick her up. Whatever the reason.

reallyreallyborednow · 16/05/2021 21:05

Please, please don’t remove her phone.

If you do need to involve the police it’s the best way they have to find her. If she’s thought to be in danger they can ping it.

No phone, no easy way of finding her.

Theoscargoesto · 16/05/2021 21:03

Honestly they won’t take her into care. The idea of Social Services is to work with families to help them work together more effectively, and to give the child and the parent some tools to help them manage better. She can’t leave home until she is 26 and I suspect it’s really important you keep showing that you care and you aren’t goi g to Eleanor away from her. Ring the police tonight, and ring your contact at Social Services tomorrow. Both you and you daughter deserve to have the support you need.

Coldwine75 · 16/05/2021 21:02

Oh god thats though, when did she start doing this? Its all very well people saying 'take away her phone' or something, but some kids dont care and will do it anyway.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 20:36

But what can they actually do other than take her into care. She’s barely engaging in school, she hates it because of her anxiety and lack of friends but I’ve just about been managing to get her in. She’s suspended until Wednesday anyway

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NeverDropYourMoonCup · 16/05/2021 20:23

School and Social Services. If she's staying out, she's vulnerable to all sorts of exploitation and they may be able to keep her in school better than you alone - and she would have access to other adults to talk to if there are problems or things that happen that she doesn't feel able to tell you.

MIC2689 · 16/05/2021 19:59

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I agree with @Eivor there's really nothing my mum could've done apart from, maybe, encouraging me to be honest about where I was and if I was coming home with no repercussions. I wish I could say, oh this would've stopped me being a complete bellend but honestly I really don't think there's anything that would have made me behave differently.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 19:41

She’s gone again Sad

OP posts:
Freecuthbert · 16/05/2021 18:55

OP, you have my sympathy. It sounds really tough and once the boundaries are gone it's hard to put those back in place.

I disagree with those saying to remove mobile phone. She will run off with or without a mobile phone, at least if she has one there can be a line of communication. It's hard to put in consequences for running away, they don't really work. When I worked in children's care, we weren't allowed to put in any consequences for them going missing from care. I don't think consequences work in these situations anyway, as it will just push them into them running away more. You want home to be somewhere she wants to come back to and stay the night, if she thinks she's just going to be punished and have phone, pocket money etc taken off her she won't want to stay home at all.

I think all you can do really is to be as supportive as you can. It's hard with a strained relationship and I think you need to try to rebuild that. Do you think she would engage in a planned activity with the two of you? Could be a girl's night with some pampering like face masks, a takeaway and a movie or something, I know options are a bit limited at the moment with covid. Could you see if she wants to invite some of her friends to stay over instead of her going there? That way you could also get to know who she's hanging out with a bit more.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 18:40

Thank you for all the helpful advice.
Honestly, I was also the same at her age. If not worse. I think that makes me worry more as I know what I was doing.
It’s just so out of character. The doctor reckons a bit of it might be where the medication has lifted her depression a bit she’s going through an impulsive stage of wanting to go and do everything she has never done because of being too depressed for years.
She is very vulnerable though, and I’m worried there’ll be a come down at some point which could leave her suicidal again.
I’ve been and looked for her in some of the places I’d been told she was, and they were horrendous. Not a place anyone would want there child. Lots of teenagers gathering, drugs, alcohol, gangs of boys, a lot of older people. We’re in central london if that makes a difference.

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Eivor · 16/05/2021 18:15

I was exactly like this as a teenager and nothing my mum did could have stopped me. I once ran away in bare feet when she took my shoes and the police would sometimes bring me home and whilst talking to my mum, I’d be away again.

I’d be careful about taking her phone as if she ever really needed to contact someone she wouldn’t be able to.

I think the only thing my mum could’ve done, would be to encourage me to be honest about where I was, without having a go at me and it becoming a fight. It wouldn’t have stopped me, but at least she’d have known I was safe.

I’m very close to my mum now and still feel extremely guilty about what I put her through. I have my own DDs and don’t know how I’d cope with the worry, it must be so hard.

Flowers
middleeasternpromise · 16/05/2021 18:00

Please don't be afraid of accessing children's social care they are there to protect children whose family aren't able to provide the support you are providing - so they do have to assess situations to ensure the family are doing all they can. They can offer you support but they rarely have a quick fix for a situation like this - you describe a history of difficult mental health; impact of lockdown, losing friends and by the sounds of it separated parents. Children respond to live events very differently its really tricky to manage. Please don't threaten her with going into care - if ever you need that service you don't want her to think it is a disaster. It would be an absolute last resort of social care to agree to her going into care as its unlikely another family or unit could do much better than you are doing. However you might find it helpful to have some professional support that pulls together the safeguarding information around her especially if she is widening her network on a regular basis and making new friends where ever she goes. Vulnerable young people dont always see the risks easily. You could look up non-violent resistance parenting for ideas on how to respond to her so it doesn't escalate into abusive episodes between you but you also don't feel like you cant say anything in case it upsets her. Can the therapist give you some advice and make a referral on both of your behalf to see what other support is available in your area?

I would take hope in the stories shared on here by others of coming through phases like this - that can happen in many cases but I also understand you worry about the risks she faces along the way.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 16/05/2021 17:38

At this point I’m not sure there is a way to rein her in at this point. As you’ve said you can’t lock her in a closet.

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with her though. You need to explain that if she doesn’t tell you where she is and who she is with you will be calling SS every time she stays out past what you’ve agreed and is not in contact. And she will face the consequences they institute.

On the other side of that I think you need to be realistic about the things she will be doing and stop trying to control her. It sounds as though she’s still going to school, at the same time as she’s going out and staying out. Honestly that’s pretty positive if that is the case.

You seem hung up on the new friends, I think you need to let that go... she’s at a stage where she is developing her sense of adult-to-be self and is going to explore new friendships, this is definitely something you can’t or shouldn’t try to control.

At the same time you do have say over what happens in your home, so you can exert control there. On behavior and things like drugs found in the house.

Keep going with the therapy and finding her help, but don’t back down from what you have to do to report her if needed.

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 17:13

Thank you

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SkodaKodiaq · 16/05/2021 17:03

@Blossomplease6

I’m not really sure. Sometimes it’s just that she wants to go and stay at her ‘friend’ (random new acquaintance) and she’s not allowed for multiple reasons. Some being, she’s begun smoking cannabis, she’s vulnerable, I don’t know these people, I need to reign her in, and now we’ve had a social services assessment. Because she knows she won’t be allowed, she just goes and doesn’t answer her phone which makes everyone worry even more. So I guess it’s not running away from home. It’s just she wants to do whatever she pleases but she isn’t allowed becuase she’s not making safe choices.
Must be so worrying Thanks

I wish I had some sage advice. I'm only 6 years into parenting, myself. I will say though, I definitely won't be treating my future 15yr old with such a level of indifference that my parents did. I didn't feel like they cared particularly.

All I can suggest, is to continue to show you care. Keep showing her love and let her know she can come to you and tell you anything? Hopefully someone with more knowledge and/or experience will be along in a moment with much better, more proactive advice.

Meanwhile you're doing the best you know how to do OP Gin

Original poster
Blossomplease6 · 16/05/2021 16:50

It is also linked to her depression though. I feel like she’s having some sort of episode. The first time it happened she didn’t come home or go to school for a 5 days. That’s what triggered the assessment. Since then it’s just been the odd night. Usually a weekend.

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