To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

I have 3DC and an age gap and really enjoyed it. My three DC are all adults now and get on really well. I love having a little gang of young men.

@Popcornbetty I was one of 4 and I have 3. But I really enjoy babies and small children, I haven't found it difficult in that sense.

I have 3 but they’re closer in age (10, 13 and 15) and it is hard work! I find it actually gets harder when the kids get older (I personally loved it when they were little and found it much easier - they basically did as they were told!).

My older 2 certainly need more emotional support. Plus all the secondary school stress, hormones etc.... I would find it hard to juggle all that with a baby.

" Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all "

The "what if the child has special needs' point is a real consideration though.

It doesn't mean the child isn't wonderful addition etc. If your family needs two incomes then a child arrived that might need one parent to stop working long term, a bigger house and car purchasing is a something to consider. If you point blank couldn't cover it financially without significantly impacting siblings then it's a significant.

It's the same as not being able to afford a house big enough or not being able to afford a parent to be on Mat/ pat leave.

Don't make this into a debate about something it's not.

There's no right answer, but here's my experience ... unexpected pregnancy when older two were 15 and 17. Eldest took it really well and was excited from the outset, younger son was pretty distraught. He didn't want our happy family unit disturbed and I think felt he was going to be less special in some way.
Fast-forward and baby is now turning 3. Second son is the most doting, loving brother you could imagine - being a big brother has brought out a side to him that we hadn't really seen before. He's openly affectionate, unafraid to be silly in front of people to make his little brother laugh, and is even tolerant of the occasional tantrums and constant interruptions.
The baby's arrival did mean that I missed out on a lot of things with the older boys I would like to have shared - I stayed home with baby while husband did uni open days with the eldest (who is also great with the little one, btw). I went to bed early, the big boys stayed up with Dad. The up side of that is that they've both spent more time with DH, which has been nice for them all.
One other consideration, as we're older than you and your DH, is that we felt we were potentially committing our older children to caring for the youngster if anything happens to us while DS3 is still young (no other relatives would be suitable carers). And because I was nearly 45 there were health risks to consider, but they'd be less of an issue for you.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Well do you actually want a third? That would seem an important question.

I never wanted three, so I don’t have three, but that’s just me. My children are 12 and 7. I couldn’t imagine going back to the start now, but their Dad has (not the reason we divorced!) so there you go.

I was the left out one in a group of three children - the eldest of three with small gaps. So tue gaps don’t mean anything!

My mum feels the left out one, when she has an older sister very close to her age, and a sister 15 years younger, as her sister became “second mum” to the baby.

Not to say yours will though!

I know a few families that had a 3rd with similar age gaps but in all but one #3 was an accidental bonus baby.

The family that planned #3 had even older girls than yours -13 and 15. Those girls love their little sister to pieces and they get on well (she is 9 now and they are 20s) but in many ways she is more like a niece - the older two are a unit with so much more shared history, and they were going into exams and things when baby 3 was just a toddler. But they function very well as a sibling set. The bigger problem was with the parents - the mother planned to raise this baby without nannies (she was a busy professional with #1 and 2) and the father was meant to take early retirement when #3 was about 18 months and be a full time stay at home Dad. But they were both so much older they found the baby stage exhausting the second time around. They both ended up in full time work again. Not saying they are unhappy with their choices, but just that their idyllic dreams didn't pan out. Now you are 33 and they were much older but your DH is 40 which is something to consider.

One of the other families I know is my cousin. Two girls aged 11 and 9 and one accidental baby (now about a year old). To be honest the girls really struggled - the focus on the baby not just form their parents but from the wider family and community was difficult to accept. The 9 year old was more sensitive and we thought she would struggle more but actually the 11 year old did because she was changing schools and I think she needed a lot more security and support at home but instead there were changes everywhere in her life.

Fortunately all the families I know have had happy and healthy third children and on the whole their older kids have adjusted. But really go through all the possibilities - including twins, a disabled baby, birth injuries, etc - and think about how you and your family would cope. Also go over the finances - especially if your DC look like they will go to university and need financial support.

I have a dd who is 5 and ds who is 4 in July and am expecting my 3rd, a dd this year. I do worry that ds might feel a bit left out as the kids get older but for the beginning part he won't know any different as his older sister will choose to play with him over looking at a baby I think. I can't predict the future, neither can you so if you want a baby I would go for it. You are still young at 33. The only thing I would day is that you are well past the baby stage and would you really want to get back to it and the loss of freedom? My ds started sleeping through aged 2 and it took my dh a long time to convince me to try for another. If I had a larger age gap I would have stopped at 2.

Entirely up to you op. I don’t think the age gap should matter, although you will find yourself juggling things in a few years when the baby starts school and activities if your older ones have activities too. As for the 8yo I would not solely base my decision on what they would or wouldn’t like, they are the child you are the adult, you make the decisions not them and they suck it up if they don’t like it. She needs to understand life is not just about her. I’m a middle child, it’s not as bad as it’s made out to be. I have 3 DCs, my middle one loves being the middle child as we make sure she feels special in that position, she has the benefit of being both a little and a big sister.

For context,p and age closeness, although completely different times, my mother is the oldest of 9 children, she is closest to her youngest brother, 12 years younger. My Dad was one of the youngest in his family, almost a 17 year age gap between him and the oldest and a further 5 between him and his younger twin siblings. My dad and all his siblings were all close regardless of age difference. They obviously all went out into the world at different times but it never stopped them being siblings and supporting each other when needed. Age shouldn’t matter, it’s how you behave as a family that’s important.

I was that 3rd child with the large age gap. I've never felt like an only child tbh and when my db and dsis left home I often went to stay with them. By the time they had dc I was old enough to babysit etc. The dynamic was similar and my sister who is the oldest took on a caring roll whereas I fought more with my brother as a more typical brother/sister relationship. If anything now I'm closer to him though. It sounds like you might regret it if you don't go for it.

@DifferentHair I noticed you talked about being part of a larger family. Interested if you went on to have a larger family yourself? I say this because my cousin who was 1 of 4 always said similar to you and how she wanted at least 3 herself because she had enjoyed her childhood. She had the first baby and was absolutely blown away at how hard it was and told my Aunty she didn’t know how she did it! She had a completely different perspective being the parent rather than the daughter/sibling. She found it so tough she decided if she had two she would have a small age gap as to get it out the way at once. She ended up stopping at one so it really can change for some people I suppose.

What about doing something in childcare though OP finding yourself a career that you love?

The one thing I would say about having a third is that, with holidays, you end up paying for a place for six people when there’s only 5.

I am a similar age to you. Similar age eldest and youngest is a toddler. Decided not to have a 3rd because realistically we won't be able to give our existing 2 everything we want to, if we had another. Financially we'd manage and live a comfortable life but without some of the extras I want to be able to provide my kids with.

That includes all the usual ski trips, learning to drive, first car etc... and supporting through Uni, seizable deposits for first house, something towards potential weddings and being able to assist with childcare when the time eventually comes for DGC!! Yes I know this is all wayyy in the future. But giving my two the best life I can trumps my broodiness for a 3rd.

It's a big decision. Only you can make. Do you really want to go back to those baby days now that you're getting some freedom? It's hard!

I think it's fine as older kids don't need as much care/help.

I think this is wrong actually. I've a friend whose kids are grown and she said that her kids needed her far more as teens than as younger kids. She thinks lots of people underestimate how demanding it can be to parent teens well.

Oh gosh I think you should just go for it. I loved being part of a larger family and having younger siblings growing up.

I also love being an adult with multiple siblings. I like all the faces around the table and seeing all the love and support they give my children.

I suppose if I'd been one of two children we would have had more material things, more one on one attention. But that just seems so small compared to what I gained from having more siblings.

If you both want a baby and you can give it a loving home, then that's as good a reason as anyone has ever had to have a baby.

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all.

I have 3 kids and it's hard work, but it's a close age gap and they are all kind of in the same stage of life if that makes sense. They are 3 best little friend who play together all the time (and fight too of course lol). I wouldn't recommend having a 3rd with a big age gap like that but that's just my opinion. You will have a divided family and priorities and I think it would make your life difficult.

@osbertthesyrianhamster can you expand in what ways? We are considering a third so any insight would be gratefully received x

As much as I’d love a third child in theory I know in real life it would be a huge mistake. I have found it a struggle with 2 and I’m in the thick of it atm with mine being so young (youngest only 1). This is the first time I don’t feel broody when I see new babies and think gosh I’m pleased i don’t have another one! I really don’t envy pregnant women either as had a difficult second pregnancy. I would say enter with extreme caution as I think it is easy to forget how difficult those early years can be and there is risk and uncertainty on how the dynamics will be. You have a lot of your life back and to go back to nappies, sleep deprivation, toddler phase etc could be a huge culture shock and lifestyle change. It would have to be what you really want. You can’t guarantee what kind of child you’ll get either and so much risk and possibly disturbance to your household. Sorry I’m not positive op but the very thought of a 3rd for me fills me with horror as much as worship the ground my 2 walk on!

Mine are 4, (just), 7+8.
8 year old has asd. There are days I think 3 is too many and 2 is easier. 3rd child was not planned (was a total shock actually) but I wouldn't change them.
Yours are at an age where they are more independent and your life will start getting back to normal soon. Do you really want to go back to the baby stages? Ask yourself if you are just missing your dc being tiny.
Saying that it will be easier for you to have another baby now that your dc are older.
Good luck whatever you decide!

We went for a third. It ruined our family. We should have quit whilst we were ahead.

If it would make one of your existing children feel abandoned or rejected I wouldn’t.

I was that child. I have brothers that are 9 and 11 years older than me. As far as I am concerned I had the best of both worlds. I have big brothers that I got on with (the oldest more than the middle one but now its the other way round) and a lot of the time I was an only child. I was happy with my childhood

You sound lovely but there's no doubt your 8 year old will have some issues with this

Of course there is doubt, it could just as easily be the best thing ever for the 8 year old! And no, it will not be impossible to enjoy things with the older children, that is so negative and not accurate.