To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

Well I have 2 children, aged 13 and 15 and knowing what I know now about the pre-teen/teenage years, there is no way I could deal with the ages yours are approaching AND the demands of a new baby/toddler and remain sane!

Demands change as your kids get older so although they become more independent in many ways, they also become more needy or reliant in others and i would hate for them to feel they couldn't come to me because I was knee deep in nappies or surviving on 2 hours sleep a night.

That's me though, not you.
My best friend's parents became unexpectedly pregnant with her when her two older siblings were 10 and 12 and she does say she effectively grew up as an only child as her siblings had left home while she was still quite young. I don't think her mum for one minute regrets having her though and she is actually the most support to her mum out of all of them now as adults.

I guess it's one thing wanting a baby brother or sister when you are 8/11 but the realities are quite different to the cute little baby to cuddle and push in a pushchair when it suits you!

We didn't in the end as I was worried I would be putting all my attention on the youngest as the oldest two were growing up. They are teens now and I wish I had a third as they want little to do with me apart from food, lifts and money!!!

I really miss being needed to be honest and am mourning their younger days. Obviously, a lot of people like getting their freedom back but I am not one of them. Don't get me wrong my teens are lovely and can be great company but as parents we are definitely their last resort for company!!

Personally I wouldn’t bother as your youngest is 8,
I had three but had them all within 5 years, and I preferred it that way.

I’d say go for it. Your dd11 won’t chose the baby over your dd8 because they’ll offer very different things for her. I have smaller age gaps than you but my two eldest are ‘best mates’ and they have a completely different, but equally lovely relationship with their younger brother because it’s a much bigger age gap. I’m also about to bring a 4th into the mix!

I wouldn't.

Resentment from the older two, less time, less money, less attention for them all. Never underestimate how bloody hard the teen years are and how much emotional effort they can take, doubt you'd be fit for it if you've a toddler in the mix too.

And yes, do consider what impact a third with any health issues (or twins) could have on your easy family life too.

A friend pushed for a late third, had twins, within a year her DH had abandoned her and disappeared into the sunset with a younger woman, she's absolutely worn to the bone and her elder two are turning into angry and destructive teens as they don't get any support. Extreme example maybe but the point is to have a think if you could cope on your own if you had to.

I think it is impossible for you to know how it will be. So much comes down to the personalities of the three individual children, which you can't possibly predict
You will be very restricted in what you can do with the older two for a while, unless you are prepared to split up and do things with just one parent. Hard to find anything that all three will enjoy on holiday, for instance.
There will inevitably be a down side, but on the other hand, if your heart is set on having a third, just do it. My third was quite a bit younger than my other two, and its never been a big issue. We're very lucky that they all get on very well. Number three has been more aggro than the other two put together. Just sayin..

Op another thing myself and another family member have found with having a big gap in sibling ages is the older siblings tend to give in to the your youngest. My eldest panders to my toddler which we don't. It definitely means he is more spoilt than the other 2.

I have 3. The eldest is 7.5 years older than the youngest. It's hard going juggling all 3 as they are at different stages and have hugely different needs. Going through the baby and toddler stage during a pandemic brings very different challenges to. There is virtually no baby or toddler groups running in our area and younger kids are not getting to socialise which is creating long term problems. I have had to deal with home schooling etc with a baby. There is no guarantee we won't have another lockdown. We haven't really had holidays due to COVID so that's not been affected. My eldest adores our toddler but isn't keen on my 4 year old. I often have to try juggle giving them one to one time which is hard. I won't be having anymore but equally DS3 was a surprise and he is absolutely loved.

I find it odd how it's apparently essential to add one sibling to the first child's life and borderline cruel not to, but apparently totally unreasonable and selfish to add a second sibling.

OP, I think you're massive overthinking the age gap for your kids . I don't think it will destroy the middle one's self esteem, and I think it's lovely to watch children of different ages be together. I do think you'll have to put some effort into managing the transition and carving out time for them all individually, but I think you're tying yourself up in knots unnecessarily assuming a baby will ruin their tweenage lives. You have a lovely family and you'd like it to be bigger, and I think it's wonderful for older children to have the opportunity to be really big brothers and sisters to much younger siblings.

That said, the age gap would give me pause for thought as a parent . Once we've finished nappies and naptimes I personally won't be keen to go back - and that's why this November we'll have three under 4! Only you know whether it will impact what financial support or treats you can give your older ones - and whether you care. We decided we'd rather have an extra baby than an extra annual holiday and make some "different" choices about clothes, activities etc anyway for non-financial reasons.

As the third child in pretty much this exact situation, I vowed never to have similar gaps. I was constantly at a different stage to my older siblings and I hated that I could never escape being the baby of the family. Not that anyone "babied" me - it was more the sense of always being the slowest, the most tired, the least knowledgeable, the one that was too small or too young for the things that my siblings wanted to do. And then within a couple of short years we went from being a big family to me being effectively an only child when they left home. It was just a bit rubbish all round.

We get on well enough as adults, although my middle sister has recently admitted to me how hard it was for her when I was born, and how pushed out she felt.

I have three myself, but had two-year gaps between them, so totally different dynamic - none of them have any real memory of being anything other than a family of five.

No one knows how any change to the family dynamic will work but I have 4 - two DS and two DD. Eldest boy was 10 when youngest DD was born and they get on great and I always felt the boys got to be kids for longer as they ‘helped’ take the girls to see Santa etc. I did worry about how it would pan out and no ones experience will be the same as yours. I hope you make a decision you’re happy with but consider all the pros and cons carefully.

My youngest is 9 years younger than his youngest sibling. The all adored him as a baby and were very engaged with him. Now he's effectively been an only child for the last 10 years and part of me is sad because of that. I also think of how long I've had a child at home and look forward to him going off to University. However, I will likely be bereft when he does because I've been able to have so much more time with just him and he's lovely. Sorry, I don't think that will help.

I very unexpectedly fell pregnant with my 4th baby at the end of 2019. My three were 12, 10 and 7 at the time. She was born in June 2020 and she has honestly been the biggest blessing for all of us. My DD had just turned 8 when she was born. I was so worried about the age gap but it has been absolutely wonderful. We are all enjoying her so much. She has brought nothing but love and laughter into our home. Her siblings are all old enough to really enjoy her. I was so worried that my DD8 would be sad not being the baby of the family anymore but that absolutely has not happened. She loves being a big sister.

I think you should continue to enjoy life with your two children and not have a third.

I have that age gap and it's amazing.

My youngest has what is basically like 4 adults around and he is utterly adored.

I'm 1 of 3 with the exact same age gap and my little brother was loved and adored by us all.

I personally love the age gap.

You can’t know if it would make DD2 more confident or not, and neither can anyone answering you. But you do know you will have less time, money etc, and that you will have to step back into the baby years, and extend child rearing by nearly a decade.

If you will still have enough time and money for all 3 kids, and don’t mind an extra decade of looking after little kids, then (unless you actively think it will damage your kids or relationship) crack on - but if not, not.

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all

I think this is unfair, as well as naive. It's not at all ableist to consider whether you want to roll the dice again and risk having a child with additional needs (which I have).
It can be a reason why they should not exist at all, many people who find out pre birth that their child would have additional needs prefer not to go ahead with the pregnancy, which is their right.

I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all

It’s also not a possibility to ignore. If anything it’s ableist to imagine that every child born won’t have additional needs and will fit a mental picture of what ‘childhood’ and ‘sibling relationships’ look like. It’s GOOD to remind people that babies are people and some of them are disabled and that that makes things different. Said as the mother of a child with SEN.

I have 3, closer in age, now 7,10 and 14. Older 2 dc were so close and it was harmonious, then dc3 came along and a bomb landed. DC 2 became very jealous of baby and was a nightmare for first 3 years, older dc wasn't fussed one way or another with youngest dc. These days things are easier, now the youngest 2 are either best of friends or fight like cat and dog, but it's been a good thing for middle child ultimately to have a little buddy. Oldest DC still not that close to youngest, it seems a big gap, 7.5 years. Middle and older dc still close but i think they would have been closer had dc3 not come along. It's hard to find days out and activities that entertain all ages, and they all need different considerations, and that third dc just seems to double the work for some reason. Saying a that I can't see our family any other way now.

Don’t do it!!!!

We were the same, easy life, comfortable, loads of holidays and days out, then had a “surprise “ 3rd with a 7 and 9 year age gap.

It was/is bloody hard.

Trying to find things to appeal to 3 completely different aged kids is hard, less people invite you to places and holidays are much more expensive. They moan everywhere they go in the car as they’re all sat on top of each other. The older ones spend more time in their rooms as the little one loves to annoy them.

I'm one of three! My older brother is 30 I'm nearly 27, then we have a younger brother who's nearly 15 so a massive gap haha but he was the best thing to happen to us, we had a great life just the 2 of us but a richer one when our little brother came along and we're all the best of friends, I loved the idea of being a big sister so I would say go for it! 😁

I was on the fence for years about a third child. I found it helped me to write my thoughts and preface everything with “knowing myself, DH and my two children as I do, would this be an issue for US?”

For me, the pros were all heart and the cons were all head. I’m generally someone he goes with my heart.

However when I prefaced it all with the “knowing myself, DH and my two children as I do, would this be an issue for US?” - I realised that a third child would be an issue for us considering our mental and physical health issues, our finances, and our own capacity to provide the energy and input each child would require.

This was presuming that everything went well, we were able to conceive, and there were no significant issues. I also knew that I’d struggle to go through a third set of fertility treatments and the heartache and disappointment.

So despite the massive push from my heart to continue to add to my family who I love so dearly, I ended up going with my head. I say ‘I’ because it was me who made the final call, DH was on the fence and I feel I could have influenced him either way.

Do I have any regrets? Not really, sometimes I wonder but after much reflection I feel we’ve made the right decision for us. I was looking to replicate the lovely time I had with the two of them as babies, and I’m not sure a third would deliver that.

This won’t be the same for everyone I know, but because we struggled so much to conceive I think it was the right thing for us to focus on the two children we have, rather than chasing a dream of a third at the expense of the very real two in front of us.

I was 11 and my sibling was 7 when the youngest was born. Absolutely loved having another sibling!

I would like a 3rd (beautiful little newborn, they just never stay that small) but I'm too scared, I have 2 lovely, healthy kids, 7 and 18 months. I'm worried that, as I'm older there could be complications, that my eldest will feel really left out because of the already big age gap. He dotes on his sister now but I can image that won't last long. And in fairness, life is ok at the moment, so I think why rock the boat?