To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

Another vote for don’t do it! You have a lovely life now and life will go backwards massively. My mum had a new baby when I was 12, and as much as I loved him, I definitely didn’t get the help or support that I needed in my teenage years. He was also a nightmare ... and remains so 30 years later

I really disagree about the only child comment. I never found this, we became a happy family of five, not two different families.

What I would be aware of is that essentially for the key years the 3rd child would be an only child, she wouldn’t have siblings near her/his age to ply with.

When the child is say 6, your oldest would be 18 and the other 15. If you are happy to parent that way then go for it.

If you think you have a lovely life now, think about how that could change if you happened to have a third child who had additional needs. My youngest has additional needs, no family history or complications in pregnancy or birth nor anything, that would have made us think that it was a possibility.

But it has changed everything for us, our whole family dynamic, the time that we have free, our current, our future, the impact on our eldest, how we fit into friendship groups, how we are seen by others.

Of course there are positives and we love our youngest to bits, and can’t imagine life without him. But there isn’t anything about our lives that it hasn’t impacted on.

Please just think about it.

I don't think I've posted this here... the reason we didn't go on to have a second child was that I wasn't sure we would survive as a family if we did. My husband was chronically ill and has since died. It wasn't that we hated children, or that we think disabled children don't deserve a life, or that we were deeply selfish or incapable of coping with the newborn phase, it was that broken sleep caring for even a very straightforward baby made my husband so ill he couldn't really function at all. There's no doubt that I would have liked 2 in general and that my son was born to be a big brother. Not having a sibling is a theoretical loss to him. But then losing his dad at an even earlier age, or us splitting up, would also have been theoretical losses, and not as theoretical as all that. It's no longer a regret to me. Though I know apparently that it is really common for women to have one less child than they wanted.

If you wanted a big family was there a reason why you've waited 8 years for nr 3?

Personally 8 years is too big a gap for me as with trying and pregnancy it will be a gap of 10 years before the baby arrives.

I know a few families with this age gap and honestly it's like they are 2 separate families and I have to say a lot of people assume that the siblings have different fathers - not that that's a reason no to have have one of course. But a 13 year old isnt going to want to do what a 3 year old does and parenting will have to be split between taking a couple of teenagers out somewhere and the other parent taking a toddler somewhere appropriate.

There is 4 years between my DD and my 3 month old twins and that is already noticeable

You are very much overthinking this. Your perfect family situation now, will not be ruined,if you have the desire for having another baby. Its a foolish way to view things. You will just go forward,as a three child family,and everything should fall into place. Your two other children will learn to adapt, however much you think that they might not.

If you have all the facilities to have another child,as in room,money,and time etc then everything should be fine.

I am going to come at this from 2 angles for you, one that lots of holidays etc are geared toward 2 adults and 2 children. Premier Inn shouldn't let you have 5 in a room, as dino mentioned you end up paying for a 6 person place as most do 4 but you wouldn't be a 4. You could also end up with twins so your 3rd would be your 3rd and 4th.

I don't know if you or your Dh went to uni so are possibly aware but around 50% of 18 year olds do go to uni, have you worked out your "parental contribution" costs? Ds1 is due to go in September, as we are over the £63k means tested family income we are expected to pay £5066 per year for Ds1 to support his living costs. His loan amount he can borrow is reduced assuming we will make up the shortfall.

We have a 3 year age gap between Ds1 and Ds2. That means we are looking at 6 years of paying that. £30k+. Luckily we knew about it and have a pot of savings to cover them both for 4 years each. The "ready reckoner" section is laid out here on MoneySavingExpert so you can see what you would be expected to contribute. Ds1's accommodation for his first year is £6k. Just a room.

I am one of 3 but all close in age. No gap in the car between seats for that inevitable fall out of siblings

I was happily one of 3 for most of my childhood (there are actually 4 but a massive gap to the last one) and the DSM of 3 (mostly) happy siblings but...

...we have friends whose 3rd 'child' was triplets.

The risk of multiple births increases with age. I'm not sure I'd roll the dice.

We have gaps so i had my dc in ‘pairs’ it’s worked really well

Do you want to be finished with the school run at 43 or 52?

Do you want to wait until your DH is 60, to get your freedoms back?

Are you happy to be juggling night feeds and dirty nappies with stroppy teenagers?

Are you prepared for the impact to your family, if the baby is born with any birth defects?

Do you think you could financially support 3 children through Uni?

I wouldn't go back to the drawing board at this point, but I know many who do.

My DH and I were aged 43 and 46 when our youngest went off to Uni. It starts a new chapter of your life, new travel opportunities etc. Not sure I'd want to be 60 (like your DH would be)

i think your financials matter the most

I love being a mother and I never liked going to work or ever found 'my thing' so I wouldn't miss my independence

I think I would spend six months looking into a possible enjoyable and rewarding career - is there nothing that appeals?
There are 30 years til you hit retirement age - a new baby won't fill all of that.

I am one of three and I'd say don't have three.

OP says she is worried about "what ifs" but that works both ways. Personally I can't see how the advantage of another child outweighs the overall disadvantage to the family, but accept that's a head over heart decision.

I do think you're imagine some perfect family vision which is not necessarily going to happen. Do you really want to go back to the baby/toddler stage when your youngest is 8? And you'd have a different dynamic as they wouldn't have a closely aged natural playmate. You'd be doing an entirely different set of things with the baby than with your older 2. Will your eldest end up being a mother's help (this has happened to lots of my children's friends who have much younger siblings) and is this fair to her?

It worries me that you are wanting a child to find personal fulfilment
I love being a mother and I never liked going to work or ever found 'my thing' so I wouldn't miss my independence in that way. It forced me to be more sociable and I'm happier for it.
Being a mother shouldn't be your sole identity - is your wish for a baby only because your children are getting older and need you less? Will you want another baby in a few years' time?

I have two older brothers, 9 and 11 years older. We are not close at all because they moved out when I was almost too young to remember. Mum said starting over from scratch was incredibly hard. I simply wouldn’t recommend it but of course if that’s what your heart tells you to do, you will manage. 💗

DSD is 10 and we have a toddler and another baby on the way. Her mum has a toddler. She loves her siblings and by no means has an awful life but days out with toddlers aren’t quite the carefree outings you have with older children. There are tantrums and naps to contend with. OP I would consider waiting a few years and think about a baby when your kids are entering the teen years and coining some independence anyway. Free babysitting too!

I had 3, DS1 was nearly 7 and DD was nearly 5 when DS2 was born. They are all quite close now as adults, but DD was undoubtedly jealous when he was born. It was really hard work though, my DH worked long hours and was usually away 2-4 nights a week and I was a full time SAHM for 11 years and then only managed part time school hour work as child care would have been prohibitive, which has impacted vastly on my earning capacity etc since.

He was a planned baby and was and is much loved but I think with how pressured life is and the cost of living I wouldn’t have a third child if I was making the decision now. I also think you should consider how you would manage if you had to bring them up alone, 2 would be easier than 3 in those circumstances. I was widowed when my children were still teenagers and DS2 was diagnosed very late with ASD at 15, it was very hard as I had no family nearby. Do you have good support from extended family?

It is amazing and it is the case in my family, how many people who are one of three will say don't have three. It's not the same with two or indeed four, but I know many people who say three is a bad number from having been one of three children. I don't know if that helps, perhaps you should only listen to advice from people who have been the child.

Absolutely do not have a third.

The age gap between your first and third could be 12-13 years which will be ok at the start but when you then have a 16 year old doing GCSEs and a toddler charging around, things will be very different. As will holidays, weekends, days out...

Also have you thought much past the younger stages? We're starting to have the University talks with DS1 and college and it is not going to be cheap. Worryingly expensive actually, thank God we only have two kids to think about!

YANBU to consider it, but perhaps the reason your DH likes the idea is that he'd like a boy - would he be disappointed if a 3rd daughter arrives?

You mentioned that your sister does not want children, but the lack of cousins isn't really an issue as your children have each other, and hopefully friends too. Also, looking at the bigger picture, the carbon footprint of another child is worth thinking about (you'll probably need a bigger car, for one thing), and the planet is already overpopulated, so that is something to bear in mind. Overall, it's your choice and whatever you do I'm sure you'll make things work for you, but if in doubt, I'd say don't do it.

In your situation I wouldn't, but I only have two. Mine are 5 and nearly 3 and I cannot imagine even now going back to the baby stage. It'd feel like a huge step back. For me I feel like that chapter of our lives has closed and we're now moving happily into the stage of having children, not babies or infants.

Is that chapter of your lives closed? Do you want to go back to the days of pregnancy, recovering from birth, sleepless nights, lugging tons of stuff everywhere, naps, feeding, weaning, teething, nappies, nursery, toddler tantrums? How disruptive would your older children find it, and would your relationship be ok doing this?

These are the things you need to consider. It'd be a hard no from me!

My older 2 were 11 and 9 when DD3 arrived. We were both in our 40s.
Best decision we ever made to not plan on not having her. She is 10 now and really completed our family.

Lots of friends with similar. Agree it definitely moves you into the "larger family" bracket but lots of pluses. She is much less work than the other 2 as she is fitting into an existing family rather than having one develop around her. DD1 and 2 were at the stage of wanting to be more
independent of us by the time she arrived so suited them. Bit of juggling but that's inevitable anyway.

There's 13 and 11 years between my older siblings and I. We have the best of both worlds, by the time I was 5 my brother was off to uni as he'd moved out and my sister was in college. We've always got on fine and I have fond memories of my sister dressing me up to take to town so she could show me off to her friends.

If you want to have a 3rd baby then go for it. It sounds likes you have a happy and healthy family life.

I think, go for it or you will always regret it.
Yes, three is a lot more work but it is enjoyable work not just slog.

My theory is it is a bit like having a house with a large garden, you moan about the mowing and the maintenance but you seldom choose actively to go back to a pocket handkerchief garden.

I didn't have a fourth when my youngest was five, although I thought about it, and now I do feel it is a "regret". Not overwhelming or heartbreaking, but just a feeling of...yes I would have managed..and now be reaping the reward of that extra interesting person in the house (my youngest are now 19)