To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

Difficult to say. I'm pregnant with my 3rd. Before I got pregnant I was quite ambivalent, thought it might be nice one day but was also happy as I was. Then I fell pregnant unexpectedly and have really really struggled. Massive regret and worry for many of the reasons mentioned on this thread - age, parental involvement as they get older, career advancement, freedom, holidays, cars, everything really.

That said, DH is the middle of 3 and perfectly happy to have 3. I'm the middle of 5 and mostly undamaged by it!

i think the age gap is such that youll end up having 4 so that the baby doesnt feel left out

I have 8 years between each of my first 3 then less than 2 between 3&4

Ds1 and 3 were very close when he was little . Now ds3 is 10 and ds2 is 18 and they get on fantastically, have done for a few years. They do everything together and really enjoy each other's company

Ds4 has asd which has been incredibly hard on everyone. The possibility of a child with disabilities is definitely something to take into consideration .

I have three children and it is amazing. They are grown up now and two are married aged 31, 28 and 23. The youngest is still at home. The eldest has two children and the middle has a baby on the way. I absolutely love it. They all get on well and are always there for each other. This afternoon they all sat at the kitchen table laughing with each other eating lunch. We always say that the middle one has 'middle child syndrome' but in real terms they don't It was hard work when they were young but would not change it for the world xx

I wouldnt do it. Id get a pet instead. Honestly, 3 kids is harder for loads of things.

Would it change your mind if you knew your 3rd child was going to have a severe disability?

OK well vasectomy reversal is only about 50 per cent successful.

So the chance of conceiving are already against you.

You need to find out what the chances of it being possible are before you get your hopes up

I was the 8 yo when my mother had another. I’d say don’t do it.

At 33 you’re heading into twin territory!

You have been warned!

I am one of 3, my dh is one of 3 & we have 3. I never quite felt that my family was complete until I had 3 & love seeing the changing dynamics of the children’s relationships as they have got older. My eldest 2 were 8 & 6 when ds3 was born & my dd was not impressed when she found out it was a boy. However, she is extremely close to both DS’s, far closer than ds1 & ds3 are. It has not been particularly difficult to spend time individually with them as when ds1/dd2 were at school ds3 got all the attention & ds3 went to bed far earlier than his siblings. Now they are 21/19 & 12 & ds3 is enjoying his siblings being at uni & being an only child for a bit, & having them back in the holidays. He thinks he has it the best of both worlds. Ds1 felt special being the eldest, dd2 being the only girl & ds3 being the youngest.
If you want 3 just go with it. Would you always regret it if you didn’t...?

I think the real issue with those that I know with a big gap is the two family dynamic.

You will have minimum 9 and 12 year old with all the activities and a new born.

Then a 12 and 15 year old with a toddler.
All holidays will be tricky.

I don't know anyone who has wished their child away but I I definitely have come across a lot that have said the big gap made things very tricky.

They all felt that they missed out on a lot with the older children because of the restrictions of a toddler.

You need to think very hard about how you live your life now and then try and inagine that with a baby, feeding, naps etc.

Every single woman has said they were blown away by how restricted THEIR life was.

They had forgotten how intense a new baby is...and the rest of life has to go on.

It's different if they are all young together.

Is it selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child when the other two have gone off into the world?

I'm the youngest of 3, big age gap of 8 and 14 years between me and my siblings. Growing up I felt a bit like an only child tbh. My parents were a bit older than you and your partner and I don't think they had much energy left for child like things or days out anymore. My relationship with my siblings is pretty none existent now, we're not close and can go months without speaking. Personally I wouldn't want a big age gap because of my experience, but I'm sure some people have had positive ones.

Do it!
I have 3 girls and it’s brilliant. You will regret not. And your 8 year old just has to deal tbh! If she’s the type to get worked up about another baby, then another baby could
be just what she needs!
Re: going back to baby friendly activities etc - it doesn’t work like that. Your older two do stuff with one parent and the little one does stuff with another. And also - there’s
no guarantee as they get older that the older two will enjoy the same things anyway so the family might be split anyway.
Definitely go for it!

Whats changed in the last eight years to make you want another? Is it that you always wanted three but couldn't afford it but financially now things are different.

Or is it only recently that you are thinking about the third, because you miss the baby stage?

When my third child was born I had one ds of 18 and another ds of 16. We loved having dd and ds1 was like a second parent to her but ds2 was always slightly jealous of her and he left home at 19 so didn’t live with her after that time. Ds1 went off to uni when he was 18 and would come home during holidays. He finally moved out to his own home at 24.

Ds 1 would take his sister out regularly - usually to the cinema to see films I didn’t want to and was happy to look after her. Ds2 used to work mainly in the evenings often until late in the night so wasn’t around as much.

My sons are now 47 and 45 both unmarried and with no children but dd lives near by and has a child. I would say that if you really want to have a third child do as the amount of love you have for your children is not divided by 2 or 3 but multiplied.

I wonder if an alternative would be to foster? opt to only have younger children and then if there’s one that you connect with you go for adoption?

Do you want one? or is it just being broody
Can you afford it? Or will number 3 mean you are relying on government help to live
Have you got a pension /savings is your future secure
Can you do all the caring yourself or do you need support from parents (they are going to be older & more tired this time round & might be enjoying their free time)
Are you going to be supporting your parents in the next 10 yrs?
Personally I've had my two & have realised my pension is shit & have passed on child 3 in order to try to set up my future. It would be nice to spend time having fun with my husband

I wouldn't wreck a settled life for a third child, absolutely not. The hassle and cost and environmental impact are huge factors. Two really is plenty.

If you wanted a big family was there a reason why you've waited 8 years for nr 3?

I wondered this too - was it specific circumstances that have changed, e.g. financial, or did you not have the desire for a third when the older two were younger? If it's only emerged since they've got bigger then I'd be quite wary as a) you might be being a bit rose-tinted about the baby/toddler stage - if more didn't seem appealing when you were in the thick of it then it suggests it was harder work than you might remember now! b) it might be more about your sense of loss and diminishing purpose as they age, which is understandable but a baby doesn't solve that problem, it just pushes it down the line. I'd guess that part of the reason that you never found 'your thing' is that you started having children at 22 - the more of your adult life you spend with little children the more acute that problem is going to get when they've all grown up, and that day will still come.

I have five. The older three were born close together but we’re 6, 7 and 8 when I had my toddler and 8, 9 and 10 when I had my baby so there’s a 10 year gap between eldest and youngest. All get on absolutely fine most of the time, the older ones dote on the younger ones and have honestly never had an issue with them at all.

I can't comment on sibling dynamics as I have an only.

You can totally forget the notion that having an only child is selfish.

If you do go ahead with your third DC and its siblings are grownup for much of its childhood and so it is similar to an only, that is in no way selfishness of the parent.

A large proportion of children are an only child. It is totally normal and they are no more screwed up than children with siblings - all children have problems and these are generally not related to being an only child. There are even advantages and benefits of no other DC to fight for attention/food/money/privileges/space with.

If you can put that notion aside and forget about it, then you can focus on the other sibling dynamics and your own life with a 3rd child in your decision-making.

But fundamentally, you can't predict what kind of DC you will have so you don't know how it will go. The same as when you had your first child. It is all wide-open, no guarantees, you just have to take what you get. You won't necessarily get a DC like the 2 you already have.
I know someone who went for a 3rd and ended up with a 3rd and a 4th (twins) - so then you wouldn't even have to worry about the 3rd being an only child eventually! Would you be prepared for 2 more?

I know I categorically do not want another child, nothing would currently change my mind. You are obviously way more inclined to have more children than me, you can list positives, your dh is on board so I'd say you probably won't regret it, and go for it.

I would urge caution. Your youngest sounds like she already has low self-esteem and confidence. Having another sibling may cause her behaviour to worsen as she is desperate for attention. She’ll not only be competing against her older sister going through all the “firsts” but also the cute little sibling. The age gap is also quite big. Your DDs will always be closer to each other than their younger sibling who is 10+ years younger than them.

Middle child syndrome is a real thing.

www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/style/10-tips-for-parenting-middle-children/