To potentially ruin a lovely life with a 3rd child!!

Haven't rtwt sorry but wanted to say that my DH is the youngest in his family with a 10 year gap between him and his next brother. He'd say it really depends on the parents - like some PP said, them essentially being an "only child" when your older ones become teens/move out isn't necessarily a bad thing because they get the parents' attention, and can of course form friendships and live happy and fulfilled lives.

However DH did not have this experience. His parents were too busy for him (he was a surprise baby), his 3 other siblings loved having a baby/toddler and played a lot with him when he was younger but then eventually all moved out and he felt very alone for a large portion of his childhood. His parents also compared him a lot to his siblings and complained that he wasn't as independent/good in certain things so that really affected him. (now they sound like horrible people but they really aren't, they were just not very well thought-through in this aspect and they have spent a lot of time working through it all together...)

We've always said that if we have another after a long gap we will have to have 2, because of how scarred he
DH is by his experience.

But, OP, you sound like you really want this baby and have thought it through and importantly thought about your other DC...so I think if you really feel it would be a lovely addition to your family and you can spare the attention and time it would take (which it sounds like you can) I would go for it

I have 4 but the last two were not planned. It worked out ok with DC3 as I had a 4yr old and a 2yr old so she just slotted right in with the chaos and honestly it didn’t make much difference have 3 rather than 2. DD4 however came 4.5years later. DC still relatively young but the age gap was very noticeable from the off. 5 school years is a lot! Now I have 3 independent teenagers and a 9yr old. The 9yr old is not on the same level as the teenagers. I often wished she’d come along 2 years after DD3. They love her but she’s just too young to join in the conversations etc they have with are more adult so she gets left out a lot. I would therefore be cautious about having another after 8yrs. You are right in thinking there will be a huge disparity between the DC. As adults though I’m sure this will fade away but as kids you may have to accept that if your older 2 leave home you’re youngest will be on her own. Also the independence of older children v’s a baby is a game changer. For this reason I will never have any more DC. I want my life back sooner rather than later but you may feel differently about that.

@Noideawhatimdoing12

You could always have 2 more then you'd have 2 older ones and 2 little ones 🤣🤣

My friend did this - slightly different circumstances she had 2 older ones with her first husband, they divorced and then she re-married

They decided to have 2 children together so the little ones had a playmate bearer their own ages she had them fairly close in age (2 under 2) and they are lovely little companions and when their older siblings go to their Dads they still have company and as your older girls edge into teenage years and "do their own thing" a bit more this could be a similar thing in that 2 younger ones would be close
To each other as the older girls are.

If you can give love and a happy family life then why not? Xx

Also, I don't want to de-rail your thread but I can't stand ableist comments like 'what if the child has special needs.' It's not the end of the world for a child to have additional needs and it certainly isn't a reason why they shouldnt exist at all.

Thank you. As a mother to a disabled child these comments were really upsetting me, but I thought perhaps I was being unreasonable. They are ableist comments. You’re right. Thank you for pointing that out.

Only you can know what’s right for your family, but (as others have advised) I’d be cautious and you’re right to think deeply on it.

Some insights which you’re absolutely free to discard - because every family is unique. But sent in the spirit of offering different perspectives x

1. I’m one of 3 children. I’m the middle on. 2 year gap between me and the eldest sibling - the youngest is 7 years younger. It was never a matter of us not getting on - we were a happy home and all got on brilliantly.

1. My best friend had two close together, 8 year gap then another (who is 7 now). She can’t say it out loud as it’s awful to admit, and of course loves all her children, but she regrets it and is really struggling with her mental health

I’ve been wracking my brains for a more encouraging example - there will of course be many out there, just not in my personal experience - thankfully there are many in this thread.

I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you and your family x

Speaking as an actual only child, don't let the fear that #3 would feel like an only stop you! S/he will make friends, have a social life, and have the utter joy of being the center of your universe for a good many years. LOL, I have several friends whose younger siblings were born years later, and your two current children will have a tougher time than the possible third child. Most because they will be old enough to have some sense that their parents did THAT to get that sibling. My friends found it horribly embarrassing at the time, but later on, had lovely relationships with the younger children.

Just don't fall into the horrible habit of assuming that when your eldest is 18 and the new one is 7, that the eldest can babysit at a moment's notice and without pay!

Maybe I shouldn't comment.. :-)
I have seven kids! First when I was 19, last when I was 45. Never had a second's regret.

"selfish to have a 3rd for it to spend most its childhood an only child"

I have an only child and don't think that's selfish / negative.

You didn't mention anything about your financial situation in your OP (I've not read whole thread), but if you can afford it, and you and DH both want it, go for it. Your other children will adapt. Wish you health and happiness with whatever you decide x

My DH, DIL and I are all third children after a big gap. Strangely with all three of us our two siblings 8 and 10 years older. We all agree that we didn't have the attention/ advantages of being an only child nor did we have the company of siblings of a similar age. In fact I always felt that I was just the irritating little sister. I have three children and our middle one definitely suffered from middle child syndrome. Some would also suggest that from an environmental point of view having more than two children is irresponsible these days. You could of course ignore that and have four!

It could go either way OP - it’s a gamble and in reality everyone’s experience is different.

It’s really nice to read how many have found themselves in your position and that things worked out. Personally I wouldn’t, but do what your heart tells you.

My two girls were 10 & 8 when our little boy was born. I had the exact same worries as you. I’m so happy we decided to go for it. He’s two now bothers girls adore him and he adores them, plus they are such a brilliant help! It’s been much easier third time around and I’ve enjoyed it so much more being a little bit older and more patient

I've just had my third ( not planned) I have 2 ds's 7 and 12. They absolutely adore her. She has completed our family like I always knew a third child would. We decided to stop at 2 for many different reasons, but even after a horrendous pregnancy and not great birth it was all worth it.
My second was a very needy child aswell.

‘I have 3, albeit with a smaller age gap and when we were deliberating over a third some wise person told me you will never regret having children, only those (children) you don’t have.’

I don’t agree that the above saying is necessarily true for everybody. I would go as far as saying although very controversial that some people do regret having their children. There have been multiple threads on MN regarding people regretting it aswell which is very sad.

I'd say no, just because I don't believe this world is going in the direction of being a place anyone will want to live in, in a very short space of time.

I have 3, albeit with a smaller age gap and when we were deliberating over a third some wise person told me you will never regret having children, only those (children) you don’t have. We are so happy as a family of 5 and I would always have regretted not having our third.

Will another baby change the family dynamic? Yes, but no more so than if your children were younger.

When my youngest sister was born, I was 12, my eldest sister 9 and my brother just shy of 17. My brother has a very similar relationship with all three of us girls, the age gap never really made much difference to him, but he was already working a lot by the time babysis was born and left home when she was about 18months old.
For me, I love both my sister's to death but my relationships with them are very different. With lilsis we are the stereotypical squabbling sisters but very close underneath the arguments. With babysis I tread the line between parent and sibling a lot, I don't think that's just down to the age gap, other circumstances in the family when babysis came along lead to me stepping up and being very hands on.
Lilsis was very excited to not be the youngest anymore when mum was pregnant, but she did seem to struggle to adapt to not being the baby anymore, there were no real issues though, she rebelled against being asked to help out with babysis at times and hated it when mum pointed out that me and brother did the same for her, but in the end she was just adjusting to a new member of the family, the same as brother did when I came along, and I did when she came along, it's just that she expressed it differently as a preteen than we did as toddlers.
I have a few friends who have a large age gap between them and younger siblings too, they seem to have good relationships.

As for the youngest effectively being an only child when the others move on, that isn't such a big deal as you might think. Babysis seems to have the best of both worlds. She's got the love and support of three siblings who will be there for her no matter what, but she doesn't have them stealing her clothes, bugging her when she wants to be alone, telling her to go away when they want to be alone or generally being irritating siblings 24/7. She doesn't have to share mum's attention with siblings now that she's the only one at home, she gets spoiled because her siblings have jobs and can afford to buy her things, when she was little she got to go out to the park and such more often because me or brother could take her if parents couldn't. She seems to have the best deal.

If you decide to have a third child, your older two will adapt. Sure there maybe teething issues but everyone will find their new role, every older sibling was once the baby, your youngest has been the baby for 8 years, she doesn't know how that changing will look, it's understandable that she may not want that to change, but a younger sibling isn't going to ruin her life. Hey when(if) baby comes along it may be her that dotes on him/her and your eldest who can't deal with a baby crying while she's trying to do her homework.

What it comes down to, is whether you want another baby, feel you can cope with two teenagers and a toddler at once and are going to be able to consider all sides before you decide how much responsibility you will expect older ones to pick up to help out with the little one.

Good luck!

I guess I'm coming late to the party here but I had a third when my boys were 8 and a quarter and 10 and a half . I was concerned that having had my boys fairly young, with the intention of still being young enough to have a lot of fun when they were independent, that I was going to ruin all that. Of course this is only my personal experience (and that's the problem with asking a question like this as a lot of this will be personal experience) but having my third has been wonderful. She has always been a delight (except for being a rubbish sleeper when she was young) and I have never regretted it. She is already coming up 22 so actually we have still been young enough to have time for ourselves. When she was little, the boys absolutely adored her and they were always happy to babysit her when they got older. Not one member of the family has suffered from having a third, quite the opposite.

I was also concerned that this would drag our family responsibilities out for too long but the time has flown and I'm quite sad that they have all flown the nest!

why are you discussing it here and not with DH?

I did. I had a boy of 10 and a girl of 8, then had another one - a boy so I had eldest, youngest and only girl - no middle child. But I felt so guilty as my first two had grown up together and DS was sort of ‘alone’ so I had another 2 years later.
They are now 23,21, 13 and 11.
Best decision, I’ve loved every minute and I was A LOT older that you by the time had DC4.
Who knows - maybe you’ll get lucky and have twins.

I would not, in your position. I think the period you're in now is the sweet spot, while the dc are young enough for you to manage their lives but not so young they are demanding and require 24/7 supervision. It'll change again in the teen years and you will increasingly get your freedom back, at the same time, you may need / want to provide financially for your dc as they become adults and study and /or leave home. I personally think this would be so tough balancing your time / energy / money with a younger child who would need you in different ways.

The demands would be too great for me and DH, but of course I can't speak for you and your family. You may have found parenthood a lot easier than I have.
I have two dd 7 and 9, and I can't imagine being able to give a third the time and money I give them, so I wouldn't consider it.

I have more of an age gap but it's the best thing I ever did. For everyone.

The thought of going through the exam years with a four year old also needing my attention would put me off!! I do understand your desire for a third, but teenaged children need as much input as toddlers at times and they don’t go to bed!! You might find you feel stretched a little thin.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

14 years between my brother and sister - i am middle child, we all get on very well, and ive never ever felt like 'the odd' one out. I have 2 and will only ever have two (financial reasons) and my brother has 3. My sister wants 3. It sounds like you want 3. Maybe a chat with the two children together, and separately, to see how they feel might be the way to go OP?

On balance, I think I'd err on the side of "no".

Your 11 and 8 year olds, who will easily been 12/9, if not older, when a new baby arrives, will soon be getting to the age of wanting to do more "grown up" family things. Things like theme parks, theatre trips, city breaks etc. They won't be half as easy when you've got a toddler in tow...
And it's all just silly thinks like having to buy ALL the baby stuff all over again, getting a bigger car, extra tickets for entry to things, larger more expensive hotel rooms. And going back to the baby stage is a big shock from the world of pre-teens! You're also essentially setting back your own independence another decade at least...

DC3 will also have a bit of an "only child" existence, especially in their teens. By the time they are school age, DC1 will be practically out in the world on her own by then. And DC2 won't be far behind.
You won't have many years of the busy "3 loving siblings all living together" that you might be anticipating...

But all that being said, if it's what you and DH want to do... Go for it!!