SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility. As you can't imagine any reason to not work bar childcare, housework and life admin, I assume that when the kids leave home you'll be working 7 days a week because there's no reason not to? I mean god forbid someone caught up on their sleep, went to the gym, met a friend for coffee just for FUN

[quote Parker231]@beachsidecafe - you must live in a different world to me. We live in central London and are still in touch with the parents of many of DT’s friends from nursery and throughout their schooling. The majority have two full time working parents and non of us live and parent the way you are describing.[/quote]
I don't recognise the world that @beachsidecafe describes either. It's totally alien to me. We don't live in the south east any more, but we have lots of friends who still do, and their lives aren't like that either.

It sounds like @beachsidecafe has a very narrow social circle with lots of unusually cold, materialistic people who don't have any interest in their children, and she is extrapolating from that to make generalisations about all WOHPs that are wildly inaccurate. Or she is making assumptions about how these people live that aren't actually backed up by their reality. Or she is just exaggerating in order to make her point.

I'm very curious though to know what she meant by "our group". Can't be a baby group, as the terribly busy and uninterested WOHPs that she describes clearly wouldn't bother with something like that. Can't be a friendship group as she clearly can't stand any of them. Just wondering what kind of group she is referring to.

When my DC were in school, I knew a lot of SAHMs (very wealthy area, private school).
And I ended up doing to too for a couple of years due to a move and an extended maternity leave and then a now-what moment.
Then I got an interesting work opportunity and I took it.
Many said I would regret it. That my family wouldn’t thrive. That I’d be exhausted. That my DH would be unhappy. That I’d miss out on so much.
Fast forward many years and my DC are all grown up and doing great. Really great.
And I now have an amazing career and business. I do get a bit when people tell me I’m so lucky, especially the same women who told me I’d regret it.

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother?

I absolutely don't look down on it, but I think that children also really benefit from being in nursery and socialising with other children and adults. They experience things that they can't through staying home with parents and become more independent.

There is a balance to be struck and obviously lots of time with parents is important. But personally I don't think that being with parents all of the time is the best thing for a child once they are 2/3 years of age.

This is a really artificial debate. Lots of SAHMs use childcare of various sorts - grandparents, preschool etc - and lots of working parents work around their kids or part time.

I know one couple who both work three days a week and the day they both work, their kids are with grandparents. I know a SAHM who uses a childminder one day a week. Pretty much the same from the kids perspective!

I was at home with DD when DS was 2.5 and we had the question of whether to start him at the local preschool. I would actually say that while he enjoyed it, the benefits and social side to him kicked in around age 3, he started wanting to be there and asking to go extra days as he had real friends he wanted to play with. He was gutted when it was closed for Covid for a bit.

I think parents should be supported to remain off with children for more like 2 years than the current 1 for maternity leave, and given as much support as possible to work part time/flexibly before children start school.

Both DH and I agreed that we didn't want DS is wrap around care (personal choice based on our own experiences as children). DH also really appreciates that all he has to do is work as I pick up all the housework, admin etc. It is really helpful at the moment as we are in the process of selling our house and buying at the other end of the country. By picking up the vast majority of the work during the week the stress is kept off my family.

I worked until very recently and was so stressed that adding a move on would probably have finished me off. We all benefit from a more laid back life and DH doesn't think it is unfair at all.

Most people can't afford to be a SAHP in the UK, and I do think there's judgement of anyone who relies on UC to do it.

That said, I don't think anyone judges SAHP of children below school age. Childcare is expensive for young children, lots of settings won't offer full 30 hours funding.

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

@beachsidecafe - you must live in a different world to me. We live in central London and are still in touch with the parents of many of DT’s friends from nursery and throughout their schooling. The majority have two full time working parents and non of us live and parent the way you are describing.

I did it for a year or so with DD, after mat leave. I found it very lonely. If there were more SAHMs it would have been fine I think. As it was all my mum friends went back to work four days a week (the same four days!) and I suddenly felt I was on my own with the baby/toddler. There weren't enough groups etc to look forward to. We ended up getting one day of childcare a week, slowly up to 2.5 days a week now that she's 3.5 years old, and that felt like the right balance for us.

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

Some teenagers need just as much parenting as pre-schoolers; not just if they have difficulties but also supporting activities. So absolutely yes, you are still a SAHP - the children don't suddenly disappear. And if you farm out the cleaning then you're hardly a housewife

I was a SAHM in the UK and it was absolutely the right decision. There was no way I was putting my children in full time daycare; even if it would have been been cost effective they would never have got the level of attention and frankly expertise that they got from me. I regretted even the part-time daycare that my eldest two had.

It's extremely condescending to suggest that being a SAHP is not suitable for intellectually oriented people. You make your intellectual stimulation. You find groups and activities with and without the children that feed that need. Yes some elements of looking after kids can be dull or stressful but that's the same with most jobs and the same with looking after kids part-time.

Yes, your career, if you had one, takes a hit. All that means is that you will be very unlikely to earn what you could have if you hadn't taken those years off work. It doesn't mean you can't find fulfilling employment ever again. It does mean you should ensure your partner (preferably spouse) can support you or you have alternative financial means.

I've never felt judged anywhere except on here. I guess the difference is that people that know me can see the person I am and therefore respect the decision I have made as being right and good for me and my family.

I live in the SE and most of our group work in London, and I see A LOT of non parenting and selfish parents that put their careers, social lives and holidays before all else.
You can be as shocked as you like, but I found it really really sad to see babies and children falling so far down the list of priorities of so many parents. The nannies, childminders and nurseries are absolutely parenting and raising the children they look after. No question.

I won't lie - I think it is appalling, and I can not see the point in having children if you only ever see them at the weekends, and the odd holiday here or there because most of their waking life is spent away from you.

I don’t think SAHPs are looked down on in the UK if they are looking after preschool kids - that is obviously a job. I don’t think it’s better or worse for kids, any stable environment and good care will be fine, but for some families it makes sense either because a parent wants to do it, or because it’s financially better. I do think that people are increasingly conscious of the need not to take too long out, and to keep in touch with your career - but that’s because there were a couple of generations of woman who got totally financially shafted by divorce or early widowhood, and life is less secure than it used to be.

I am sure some individuals might judge, some people are like that - but from your posts I think this is as much about your defensiveness as anyone else’s judging of you - you also appear to think staying at home is better for kids than other care. You are entitled to that view, but others can pick up on it.

We've recently "trialled" me being a SAHM. Have DS 5, DD 2 and pregnant with number 3. It's been 2.5 months and I go back to work today
I found it lonely and depressing, I spent the whole day tidying and cleaning the house as we were home more and it still looked a state when DH came home. I guess it's horses for courses but it was awful for me

I’ve done various versions of working- full time/part time/from home/not at all since I had children and while I quite like not working and being able to focus 100% on the family and home I do feel judged and do feel insecure about it. Also this last year has shown me how shit it could be if i didn’t have people to socialise and interact with throughout the day so I’m not sure I want to do it long term. Unless I adopted a gym and lunches lifestyle 😁

I struggled with it tbh. It was absolutely the right move for my children in our circumstances but it was awful for me most of the time. I needed more. I did some studying which kept me somewhat sane but it was by far the hardest, most mind numbingly boring period of my life. They're both at preschool now and I'm doing a full time PhD so it's a lovely balance at last but It took 4.5 years to get to this point.

I can't really say I regret it as I do see the very obvious benefits to my DC and I hope it's given them/us a solid foundation that will benefit them for life, but even so I'm not sure I would necessarily want it for them if they become mothers in the future. I think there can be a more balanced way of doing things if you have both parents on board working together, instead of all the burden falling on the mother.

I think it is a shame for the child spending their whole life in one institution or another being raised by people that invested in them emotionally you realise even boarding school doesn't keep them forever let alone the child minder?

I was a SAHM until DC was 3, but did some work on a self-employed basis weekends and evenings (not a lot, maybe 10 hours a week). Then I changed career and now work part time in a relatively low-paid and very low-status role, which I absolutely love.

I don’t have expensive habits - I’m not really a spender or materialistic. I don’t feel the need for validation via a job title or a car or whatever. I have plenty of “intelligent conversation” with friends and family - I don’t rely on work for that as I socialise with people who I find interesting. Im about 20 years from retirement age, but would prefer to work longer (because I love my job), though financially I wouldn’t have to. Pre career-change, I’ve lived & worked overseas (couple years each time) in three different continents, and intend to travel with DC as often and extensively as possible.

Some definitely do judge sahm, (and those in low-status jobs) assuming we can’t get anything better, are a bit thick, are spoilt little girl types, not in touch with reality, etc. I’m not too concerned about that though, as I’m happy in my life.

I'm not saying we should live our lives expecting the worst, but unless you are of independent means, financial security separate from your spouse is important. But our individual attitude to risk obviously differs.

I think women always get judged and by each other as often as anything else.
I never got to have kids and I am often made to feel a failure for that. You can’t win.
I am seriously envious of anyone who gets to be a SAHM or do odd jobs here and there, as though I always wanted an interesting job I was always more keen on a family. I’ve pursued a career, I guess in the absence of kids, not that I or my husband earn loads. I was taught never to rely on a man so I’m glad I haven’t ... but still envy those who have the secure option to do so! Also envy those who love their careers as it gives a good example to kids especially daughters to see that, I reckon.
I have noticed differences between the children of close friends and family depending on the childcare they’ve had but all well adjusted kids. Everyone’s trying to do the best they can with what they have, aren’t they?