SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

That is a fairly baseless assumption many would loathe lying around watching daytime TV.

I'm not watching 'daytime tv'. And everyone likes a rest now and again.

just saying that I wouldn't aspire to have the kind of lifestyle where I had as much leisure time as a SAHP with kids in school. Some people are no doubt incredibly driven and self motivated, and probably make great use of their freedom doing hobbies, seeing friends, educating themselves or volunteering in the community etc. I just know that, for me personally, I function much better and achieve much more with a little more structure. It would not be good for my mental health to have too much leisure time over an extended period, but that is not at all a judgement on those who are able to enjoy it

I can really relate to this and thats why some people like WOH/ structure and some dont.
I love going to work and was eager to go back after 3 x 14 month ML/ AL included.
I felt ready and DH and I both parented our DC due to shifts which gave us flexibility.

As for the way these threads go there are usually fairly well balanced opinions and then the odd poster with extreme views who only knows miserable brain dead SAHM or evil neglectful handbag buying WOHM and it all goes tits up.
Disclaimer I dont agree with either of the views above .

Whether someone WOH or SAH is not in any way related to how good a parent they are.
Its nonsense to suggest otherwise.

I agree, the last year of being a SAHM has been an entirely different experience.

Yes - I'm a Dr and DH is office based, so the pandemic has meant the lions share of childcare has fallen on him. We had school/ nursery places but tried only to use them when absolutely necessary (2 days a week). I actually found I enjoyed parenting MORE during the pandemic. Doing less, really is more for us- not having to go out, not being around other people or kids, being able to potter in the house and the kids getting used to entertaining themselves has really helped both DH and I and we've both said that there are real elements of the pandemic that we have benefitted from (I work in a hospital, so I've also seen some genuine horrors). The DC have also enjoyed and responded well to the last year and I has also meant that DC2 didn't go to nursery full time until she was a couple of weeks off 2, even then I think she only did 3 full weeks.

Personally I’ve always wanted the opportunity to go back to old career but not necessarily to have stuck with it over last couple of decades.

I’ve switched in and out of stuff at will which I do like. There is a downside in that I’d be higher up if I hadn’t but I’m fine with that.

I'm just saying that I wouldn't aspire to have the kind of lifestyle where I had as much leisure time as a SAHP with kids in school. Some people are no doubt incredibly driven and self motivated, and probably make great use of their freedom doing hobbies, seeing friends, educating themselves or volunteering in the community etc. I just know that, for me personally, I function much better and achieve much more with a little more structure. It would not be good for my mental health to have too much leisure time over an extended period, but that is not at all a judgement on those who are able to enjoy it.

I've only ever commented on the kids that do 40-50 hours of nursery every week. I personally think that's too much.

Also, my child is now at the age where the government actually recommend nursery time, hence he's started recently. But he's been at home full time for three years.

I was an accountant previous to having my DS's (3 years and 10 months). We also plan another one or two, so no chance I'm going back anytime soon.

I love it, and we are happy for me never to return back to work, but the option is there if I needed to.

I spend my days looking after my family, cooking, cleaning etc, as well as finding some time for myself. This obviously suits some women more then others, each to their own.

I wouldn't change it for the world. My mother was a SAHM and now her children have fledge the nest, she's a housewife, and my parents are quite content with their own little bubble. Again, some people wouldn't like it, but they thrive in it.

Some people wish they were SAHM because they resent having to return to work.
Some SAHM only wish they could return to work, but can't due to say care issues or childcare costs.
Some working mum's love it, earning the extra money. Some SAHM love it, providing at home. Either way, whatever mum you are,there is sacrifices made, so give each other a break, being a mother is hard enough already..

I don't really think anyone has a say on how someone else lives their lives. What works for one family, may not work for another.

My point is, why do some people care how much leisure time I have? Why do people judge me for it? Literal strangers are judging sahps for staying at home once their children are school aged. What's the motivation for the judgement considering it doesn't affect them at all.

I actually agree with this. I genuinely don't care how much leisure time you have. There is no particular virtue in being "busy". If you're happy with your set-up, then I'm happy for you. It doesn't affect my life in the slightest, so why should I care?

I do find it slightly ironic when SAHPs bang on about WOHPs outsourcing the parenting of their children to other people but then send their children to nursery, school or whatever. Apparently, the few hours that my dc spent with her nanny each week were somehow qualitatively different from the few hours that your dc spend in nursery. But whatever...

I wouldn't personally envy that lifestyle,

What lifestyle? Most of my days are pretty different

I wouldn't personally envy that lifestyle, though. Thanks to covid, I am not working at the moment, and my conclusion is that it definitely would not suit me to SAH for a long period.

It's sad that these threads always turn into defensive sniping and mudslinging. Families are all different and each one will look at the options that are available to them and make the choice that they feel is best. You can judge them for it all that you want, I suppose, but it comes across as mean and petty.

I probably won't go back to work as soon as my youngest starts school. There would still be school holidays and sick days to cover, plus the fact that school here finishes at 2pm, which probably means negotiating weird shifts or taking a lot of work home with me, or my DH having to drop to part time, which would drastically decrease our household income. It all sounds very complicated and stressful and, frankly, I can't be bothered with it. I will go back to work either when I feel that the time is right, or if my financial situation suddenly changes and I desperately need the money.

I'm not going to make a long list of gruelling tasks that I complete every day as a SAHM. It is hard work, of course, but sometimes it's fun. Some days my kids are both in a great mood and we have no errands to run, so we end up spending the day playing on the beach or in the garden, or watching films and baking cakes. Those days aren't hard work at all. I make no apology for that. I'm happy. It is ok for life to not always be a miserable slog.

You see, I wouldn't ever think badly of a woman who chose to be a SAHM. I wouldn't judge them to be lazy or lacking in intelligence like some on here have said they've been accused of.

I do think quite poorly of someone whose default argument is "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS."
Because that is a lazy argument. It's not unreasonable to point out that, if your children are in school half the day or at nursery then you, not working, have far more leisure time than your partner. Great if you're both happy with that- and I assume you are if you're still doing it- but it isn't envy to acknowledge it.

I do somewhat judge SAHPs with school age children as wraparound care is much cheaper than nurseries, and barring perhaps parents of kids with SEN or health issues, there's no way housework and life admin fills the 25-30 hours a week children are at school. I guess at that point I would consider it a somewhat lazy choice and quite unfair on the parent wohm to bear all the financial responsibility.

I think you mistake your judgement, for envy. Why do you care how sahps of school aged children spend their time?

It's literally just envy! It's got to be.

I'm very much enjoying my day: currently laid out on the sofa, watching shite tv in between chores while my child is at nursery (he does 2 short days a week). I'll put an oven pizza in the oven shortly for my lunch.

Call me lazy if you like, but I'll assume you're just very envious.

When I have a non sleeping baby my brain dribbles out of my ears but once I get a full night's sleep I regain the brain and curiosity that got an Oxbridge degree. They don't surgically remove IQ points on the labour ward!

My son went to preschool from 2.6yo. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your child is home with you and only you the whole time confused according to posts on here I do home you didn't do anything remotely relaxing or fun during those hours. Scrubbing floors with a wire brush or the loo with your bare hands is the only acceptable activity for SAHPs with kids on childcare

There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

Who cares what they call themselves? Why would anyone else be bothered? I feel like it makes you feel better to ‘relegate’ them to the position of housewife.

I have a friend who hasn’t worked since her kids were born. They are now late teens/early 20s. She couldn’t be described as a housewife really as she has had a housekeeper for years who does most of the cooking, cleaning etc. I wonder what she should call herself. She calls herself retired and has done since she was 30. 😂

I, as a former child, recognise the scenario @beachsidecafe is describing. It was me for a while. And some of my friends. I don't think it's as common as beachsidecafe is making out, but it does happen.

Wake up, go immediately to nursery/school, either stay in wraparound care/after school club until late or be picked up by nanny/au pair, come home, dinner and bed. In the holidays, go to holiday club or be looked after by nanny/au pair. At the weekends, be doing homework/activities/playing by yourself/with nanny/au pair. So your parents wake you up and tuck you in to bed and that's it. When I was potty training our son I asked my mother what it was like when she was potty training me and she said she didn't know, the nanny did it.

That's not your average working family, though. The sad thing is, it's the rich parents who can afford to live like this, so they could easily afford to work less and see their children more. I refer you to my post above about professional part time work not being available. If you want a high-level job, it's full time (and then some) or nothing, which is a great shame.

I have to say though, if I was an SAHP I would find posts like this annoying. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to work if you don’t need to - but you can’t call yourself an SAHP once your kids are properly at school. In this case, you are a housewife.

I don't get why it should bother me that an at-home parent wants to call themself a SAHP if their children are in school and even less why it would bother someone who isn't a SAHP. Would you like it if someone decided to retitle your role and how you talked about it because they felt something else fit better?

I actually find it more annoying when other people decide this for others because of their own narrow views. I've the really annoying situation of having one of my children's birth certificates being utter nonsense because the registrar decided we couldn't leave occupations blank as we had with our previous and that it was unacceptable for him to be a SAHD if I was no longer employed. He decided not to push for it and just gave her the information she wanted - I don't really blame him, it was a hard time and he just wanted to get home. She literally put in his occupation based on his degree, an area he hadn't worked in years, and put me down as a housewife because I was economically inactive, even though she was told I'd worked recently but left for health reasons and wasn't present as post-birth my health had deteorated further and I was bedbound, but hey, I was a married woman who wasn't working, so I must be a housewife, right?

As likely noticable, it still pisses me off years on that him saying he was a SAHP wasn't respected because of people's view that my being home meant he was no longer parenting - yes he also did freelance when he could at home, yes he was also my carer, yes he also painted and some of those sold -- but he said he was a SAHD and viewed all the rest as just part of his role in the home, much like many of the SAHM I knew growing up, most with school age children.

I'm not sure if my teenager counts as properly in school as he's only in one day a week this year, but I'm an at-home parent. I typically discuss it as 'recovering from significant ill health', because that how I view myself - I don't view myself as a housewife as I don't do most of the housework and I work on and off, some paid, most not, from home so whether SAH or WAH depends on how things are going and how much parenting I do depends on that as well. That's how I see me, how others in a similar situation would define their role will likely be different just like people who WOH can define their roles differently regardless of how their employer does. My spouse's employer gives them a really poncy title, he just uses hotel night worker even when he's managing and training people, that's just how he views his role there. They respect him that much.

To me, this quote reeks of 'Gotta make sure economically inactive women know their place, can't be having any agency to see our role as we see fit if we're not making money, and act like it's insulting to other at-home parents to cover my feelings" when no at-home parent I've met gives a damn about this sort of division.

My mum was also a SAHM and she still gets really awful comments about it along the lines that she never did anything with her life etc. I know it's selfish of me to feel like this but we absolutely loved her staying at home (although half our village used her as free childcare so we always had millions of our school friends around!)

Honestly, having done both WOH and SAH, in my experience SAH get far, far more shitty comments thrown at them. I also think it's unfair that being a SAHM is seen as being a traitor to women's progress. Perhaps if it was paid (and therefore valued as a choice for either parent) it wouldn't be seen so much as being a kept woman. I don't know. I also wish it was a viable choice for more dads to stay at home with their children.

And you're right, housework and life admin doesn't take up 25-30 hours a week, but it does take up a couple of hours a day, in my house anyway. I didn't realise I was obliged to only use my time for work or chores . I worked for 22 years full time, often with a weekend job extra, before having ds. Lazy isn't something anyone that knows me would describe me as.