SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

@paralysedbyinertia I think that’s a really good post. It really comes down to us all, as women with a choice, finding what fulfils us as individuals. Not what society deems worthy of our time.
One size has never, will never fit all.

I didn't find being with dd dull at all - on the contrary, I find her endlessly fascinating, and spending time with her has always been immensely rewarding.

However, for my own sense of fulfillment and life satisfaction, I personally need to feel that I have a purpose that extends beyond caring for my own family. Being a SAHP wouldn't fulfill that need for me, but then, a lot of paid jobs wouldn't fulfill that need either.

My feelings on this are absolutely not a judgment on what anyone else finds rewarding or fulfilling, but merely a reflection of my own aspirations in life and what I believe I'm on this planet to do. And yes, dd is a massive and important part of that, but she is not the only part.

I compromised by working part time when my two were small. I was happy at work and at home. Apart from the financial aspect, I would not have been happy at home all the time. We managed to have the best of both worlds.

It must just be me, then.
I'm not suggesting that caring for your children should be enough, btw.
I just can't see how anyone can see parenting as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation.

I get that many working parents also have callings for certain roles that just caring for their own children is not enough.
My most recent examples are the lovely brilliant caring district nurses who visit my dh daily for the last month, all mums.
I'm glad they are working and not sahm's because they are all brilliant at their jobs, and we value them greatly

Devlesko but reading about parenting and doing child care are very different. I do not find caring for children intellectually stimulating. That's not to say that SAHP are not intellectually stimulated, I just can't see how the IS comes from the interaction with the child. That's also however not to say that only intellectually stimulating things are fulfilling, that's definitely not true. And not all people need to be intellectually stimulated to be satisfied with their lives.

@Devlesko
"Have you never read anything about parenting?
Play, something health related, development etc."

Yes. Is that the intellectually stimulating bit?

I've been a SAHM to my son since the beginning of the pandemic, although he goes to nursery two days a week for social interaction with other kids. He was off for months due to me being in the at risk for Covid category, so I was essentially a full time SAHM for a number of months. I bloody loved it, and still do! To be fair, he is 4 now, so even last year as a 3-year-old he was able to communicate and had some independence and especially now he's excellent company. When he was a baby I stayed at home with him until he was 14 months old and it was vastly different because babies are harder. I was happy to go back to work after my maternity leave, but I've never been particularly keen on work so I was equally happy to stay at home last year. Don't get me wrong, when I do work I work hard, and I was proud of having worked for so many years, but I overdid it in my previous job, burnt out and left, hence my current SAHM status.

I really enjoy staying at home with my son. I do sometimes struggle with trying to find social activities for him though, because everyone is still social distancing and all the clubs are still closed, but for the most part we have a great time playing, learning, going outside and on little trips etc. He starts reception in September and I think I will stay at home for the first year or thereabouts, because we wouldn't have to worry about after school childcare, and it would be nice for him to have his mum at home when he gets back from school. Then I'll see what's going on in terms of work.

I am doing a bit of freelancing on the side though, so technically I won't have gaps in my CV and I'm bringing some money in, which is a bonus.

I find it very sad that you feel that way.
Have you never read anything about parenting?
Play, something health related, development etc.

If you feel like this do your children stop being dull when you are at work or just when you are at home.

I really don't understand this mind set at all, my apologies.
I can see why a parent would want more and to find other subjects more intellectually stimulating, but to see caring for your own kids as dull and lacking intellectual stimulation, I don't get.

I'm on record upthread as feeling like I have a very intellectually stimulating life as a SAHM, but my kids can be bloody boring sometimes! "Mummy, Mummy, sing that song AGAIN!" x a million. I'm so glad you love it, darling, but maybe I could sing a different song this time? No? Oh, alright, then, as it'll make you happy...

@Spiceyornicey I was thinking this too but didn’t want to be rude

Ha I’d say anyone that DOES find caring for their own children intellectually stimulating has never been properly intellectually stimulated

No one can know how they’ll feel about kids before having them.

You sound very judgemental and defensive.

There’s lots of wonderful things about being with DC but no, intellectual stimulation isn’t one of them. Taking an interest in their development, finding ways to engage that, going to different activities, playing with them, trying new things, watching them interact with others... all great, most not intellectually stimulating in the slightest imo. And intellectual stimulation also comprises a lot of novelty ime, which parenting young kids doesn’t offer a lot of.

Anyone who finds caring for their own children as dull and unintellectually stimulating shouldn't have had kids.
Yes, we are all different and enjoy different things, and find different things dull, or exciting.
But if that's how you feel about your own children that's sad and such a shame for the children.

Some people are fascinated by scientific research. Others might think that sounds really dull.

Some people love their careers in banking or accountancy. Others can't imagine anything worse.

Some people feel fulfilled and rewarded by teaching teenagers or supporting vulnerable people. For others, that might sound like a nightmare.

We are all different. What is interesting and fulfilling for one person might not be interesting and fulfilling for another. Is that really so hard to grasp? If one person doesn't feel fulfilled or stimulated by being a SAH, that's just a reflection of that individual's personality, interests, values and aspirations, not a judgment on anyone else. Someone with a different personality, interests, values and aspirations might equally not thrive in the first person's chosen career. It doesn't mean that one person is better than the other, or more intelligent or more driven. It just means that they have different ideas about what they want out of life. We don't need to be offended by that.

I’ve done both too - 20+ years professional career, now COO of The Fam.
Both work(ed) for me in different ways.

I think people should do whatever works for them and their family, and everyone’s circumstances differ so much. Great if you can spend a good amount of time with your children, particularly when very young.

It is laughable that people think it's dull or unintellectually stimulating, caring for their own children.

In fact I would say I find those things relaxing.
Work is intellectually stimulating to me
you probably not
Nothing to laugh about at all.

I did both. House runs smoother me at home. You would easily fill the days. I do school hours now. Hated full T chased our tails ..

I’ve never said there is anything wrong with being a SAHM. I didn’t want to be and none of my friends or family are so this is what makes Mn interesting.

Ultimately it's the Protestant work ethic that annoys me. That if you're not earning money or at the very least "being productive" then you're worthless. That genuinely is something I hear/read a lot and I think it's wrong from a moralistic perspective and damaging from a MH perspective.

Agree. I'm heading towards looking for a job after 6 years as a sahm. During that time I've studied for another degree, done a load of voluntary work including chairing a committee, successfully applying for funding and written, illustrated and type set a quarterly newsletter. Discussing applying for jobs with a wider friendship group was interesting. Apparently I'm letting the side down by wanting a part time retail job. I need a "proper" career...only I ended up as a sahm due to postpartum psychosis and having been diagnosed with ptsd relating to a trauma in my 20s. Suspect it will be hard enough to get any job let alone the type I'd have been aiming for before children.

WOHPs and SAHPs are not different species nor do they need to be pitted against each other. You will find a bunch of intelligent and driven people doing both roles and also some lazy and unmotivated people. You may plan on being a WOHP/SAHP for life and circumstances intervene to push you into the other category. It won't fundamentally change who you are or give you more moral worth

Thank you for summarising the thread. Didn't have the energy to read the whole thing, but they are always the same, and I have contributed in the past, but gave up, because you can't win either way. I am one of those awful mothers (and definitely in a minority) who worked whilst her children were small, popped them in nursery and pre-school from 6 months, and THEN gave up work. when they started full school, and haven't worked now for 15 years. Hooray!