SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

SAHM to a 4 year old and 2 year old. I love it but I've been very lucky to meet a good circle of friends so I've never been bored or lonely.

I wouldn't go back and change anything. They grow up soooo quickly. I did plan to go back to work when my youngest was 6 months which didn't happen

I plan to retrain as being a SAHM has given me time to think about what I really want to do so actually it hasn't affected my career.

Honestly OP you will look back at this as a golden time.

I think the best thing for a small child is to have family looking after them more more often than they are in paid care. So SAHP, or both parents working 4 days a week and 1 day at home with child or grandparents doing 2 days a week. I remember sitting at work after finishing maternity leave and wondering why the hell someone else was looking after my child when I could be doing it. So I quit. Sometimes it’s lonely and monotonous and frustrating but having had children, and having a husband who works long hours, I feel like I’m the best person to look after them. I definitely feel like I have to justify having any childcare when I am at home with them but how else would I go to the dentist etc? It doesn’t really occur to me whether people would look down on me as a full time SAHM but mine are still small and I might feel I have to justify myself when they’re bigger. But honestly I’ll just need to get over it. If it’s the best thing for my family it really doesn’t matter at all what other people think

I don't look down on SAHMs but I do wonder if they've really thought beyond the toddler years. It can ruin your working prospects, damage your pension and long term earning, cause homecare disparity with your partner, make you the default parent which lasts long beyond any return to work.

I always internally eye roll when people say their life dream is to 'be a mother'. Yes its amazing and a unique experience, but is that really all there is too you?

I have teenagers and since the fist came along I've always worked part time. This has been the ideal fit for our family.
I've been able to bring in a bit of money for extras, plus I've enjoyed and been proud of having a job.
I wouldn't have liked to work full time. I didn't enjoy my job that much. We waited 10 years for children to come along until we finally adopted DS, who is now 17 and I felt that after waiting so long I wanted to be there with him as much as possible. For the first few years I was very part time, 6 hours per week. That has increased over the years and now I do 20 .
We've never used a childminder or creche we've been able to manage the child care between us and DH

I think women should be more supportive of other women and the choices they make. It's great that it's possible to to stay working. My mother had to leave her job when she had her first baby. and it's great when women choose to stay at home with their children. Neither choice is better than the other, they're just different.
Less judging please!!!

I personally think you need to think a lot about future. To many women think oh I’ll get a job when they are older but how realistic is it? Lots get stuck in low paid jobs on returning to work. I know when DD was a primary school I got comments about how ‘lucky’ I was with my part time hours in a professional job. It wasn’t luck it was because I’d kept working. There was zero chance I’d have been able to get a similar role after 4/5 years out. Your family unit is also more vulnerable if the one wage earner gets ill/redundant/leaves/dies.

In my circles it’s only looked down upon if you choose to be a SAHM and have to rely on state benefits to do so, as then the state is funding a lifestyle choice. I don’t know anyone who looks down on people who choose to be a SAHM that can afford it. It’s a great opportunity to be around for your children if you can.

Well I have been a SAHM for long time now and absolutely love it! Time is my own ,can take my dog out ,bake ,go shopping and so on .I do feel that in many countries SAHMs are looked down on though.My friend was at DH works Dinner and was not really spoken to at all by any of his colleagues! Its all and what do you do? As though looking after DC and home was a breeze FFS! I too hate routine and having to be somewhere and do something by a certain time .

I don't judge Sahm at all, however I don't understand the complaints I hear from some sahm I know. Looking after a child is easier and muhh more pleasurable for me than working

I don’t think you’ll get a balanced picture op. I am a sahm and I get the feeling I will be flamed if I say it’s worth it in any way, so I’m out.

I was one until ds turned 5.I now work very part time in a school nearby (2 hours a day).I can do school drop off and pick up,have my own alone time and adult conversations it is the best of both worlds.
I clawed my way into the job,heard through word of mouth that they were short staffed at lunchtimes.I really wanted school hours and the holidays that came with it.I used to be a gp receptionist before i had ds.

I was hazarding a guess at why it did seemed to be socially frowned upon and the only thing I could really think of is that because women generally are seen as lesser, anything exclusively female is also seen as lesser. Such as being a mother. And that coupled with a real onus on education, success and wealth, could be why someone choosing to not work to mother their children feels a strange need to defend it.

[quote cinammonbuns]@Nevermindgeorge It shouldn’t be looked down upon for men or women.[/quote]
I totally agree with this. I do find it interesting that SAHMs are still far more common than SAHDs. And that the majority of parents I see at school gates, baby classes etc. are women. Not always but for the vast majority. No judgement again as I've obviously been part of this myself as a mum but I do wonder why it is - it sometimes feels like a very old fashioned notion of women being the main caregiver to children that is still prevalent in a supposedly forward thinking and equal society.

Sorry, derailing a bit but it's something I find quite interesting/frustrating I suppose.

I'm a SAHM and have been for 5 years now. Originally became one as my son was very ill as a baby and we decided it would be better for me to give up work and look after him than putting him in nursery. It was a struggle money wise at first but we did it for my sons health.

We have since gone on to have a 3rd baby and my husband has had 2 promotions since then so money wise I don't need to go back to work. I am looking to go back now my youngest is starting preschool. I have in the main enjoyed it but it is hard work and sometimes with I worked so I could get a break! I have felt judged by people, mainly other mums on the school run! It used to bother me....I dont care anymore!

As for being looked down on, I think women are always looked down on, they can never do right - work full time = bad mum, SAHM = scrounger/ unambitious/ not pulling their weight.

I was a SAHM and I don’t regrets a single moment. It was without doubt the hardest thing I had ever done but I know that we all benefitted from it. However if it doesn’t work for women it is important that they don’t feel they have to be a SAHM, it only benefits everyone if you are happy - or content at least if not jump up and down happy every day! They grow up so quickly and my eldest isn’t far from leaving home and I am eternally grateful for every second we spent together those early years.

I've done every iteration from trailing spouse, SAHP, FT WFH, FT WOHP, WOHP plus international travel, PT WFH, PT WOHP.

Every single version comes with some great bits and some crap bits.

But the big lesson for me was sometimes one model worked better than others, so I don't think there's a right or wrong, just what's right at that time for your family. Personally I found the time at home when they were teens more important than when they were babies but that's about my family not anyone elses.

And I definitely don't judge anyone their choice whether that's back to FT work when the baby is super young or SAHP when the kid is heading to Uni - to name just two contraversial stereotypes!

I absolutely wouldn't want my dd to become a SAHP, not because I think it's a bad thing to do, but primarily because I have seen too many cases where it has not worked out well for the women concerned. There is a reason why we don't see lots of men becoming SAHPs. Long periods out of the workplace frequently lead to loss of career prospects and loss of financial independence. Sometimes loss of confidence, too, or even a woman's sense of identity/purpose. I saw this first hand with my own mum, who loved being a SAHP when we were little but bitterly regrets it now.

Of course, it works out brilliantly for some people, so good for them. With careful planning, I think a lot can probably done to mitigate the risks, but people don't always think about this until it's too late. If I were in that situation now myself, I would be giving a lot of time and thought as to how I could promote and preserve my financial independence, how to maintain my skills, contacts and confidence while out of the workplace, what kind of strategy to pursue with regard to an eventual return to work, how to retain an identity/interests/sense of purpose beyond the home etc. I think being a SAHP would be much more enjoyable if you know you've got these things covered and you're not leaving any of them to chance.

I honestly take my hat off to anyone who can be a SAHM. Being a SAHM or at least being very part time at work was the plan when we had DC1 but I absolutely hated my year of mat leave and couldn't wait to get back to work. I ended up going back full time. I think anyone who can hate it but do it because they know it is the best thing for the kids (it is, evidence is fairly clear on that) is amazing, and if you actually enjoy it, then that's even better! Personally I think working full time is easier.

I think whether you work or not as a mum in the UK you will get criticised, you're seen as a target of other people's advice nonsense.

I'm not being the thread police. There are loads of SAHMs-v-WOHMs threads but this was just for SAHMs' experiences and it skews the discussion if others chime in saying they couldn't be a SAHM because they're too intelligent and independent.

I'm not technically a SAHM.. i'm a Carer (i get Carers allowance benefit), but my DS goes to school every day, so i get plenty of judgy people telling me i COULD still work during school hours.. the issue is he has disabilities that can mean a sudden day off, or needing me to drop everything to get to school..it also facilitates me being able to be around for my other child who needs taking/picking up every day as the buses are non existent locally.

I fill my time with my housework, admin, chores...etc.. i also spend a fair amount of time looking after my mum, keeping her company, taking her shopping, doing HER household maintenance/chores as she has limited mobility, walking her dog and so on.

I also get to spend some time with my friends as i can't leave my kids home alone, and the only real 'respite' i get is when they're with my ExH every other weekend for one night.

Both kids are now at secondary, and there's times i kinda miss my job (Was a teaching assistant) but this works for us as a little unit right now, and i dont regret giving up my job to look after my kids..

Oh and I've had mil not best pleased about dropping a day despite her being a sahm when she had her kids!!

No I don’t think it’s a lovely thing particularly. I think it’s pretty romanticised and as I say, I was a SAHM to all my children. The reality is you dont get paid for your work, your children don’t miraculously turn out to be better humans having had a few more hours with you during the day.
I’d be gutted for any daughter of mine that became a sahm yes. I’d assume she was in some way financially dependent on a man (a very precarious position imo), and that she wasn’t fulfilling her full potential (educationally and career wise). Being a SAHM is pretty mind numbing because everything has to be achieved in bite sized chunks . Concentration and developing things to a deeper level is next to impossible. The day is partly bonding and playing with children but mostly it’s spent cleaning up messes and dealing with minor dramas. It’s really not as if you never see your children if you work full time.
It’s simply that the crap bit of the day (the bit where you have to prepare endless meals and snacks and stand in the park and go to toddler group) is done by someone else. You still get the nice bit at the end of the day, to relax and read a story and see friends over dinner. And you get to keep your income, stay sane, and maintain an enriching social life (not just people who happen to be parents too).

I'm a SAHM. I used to work full time and the children's dad was a SAHD.
Unfortunately circumstances changed. I suffer multiple disabilities and I have severe MH problems, and the children's father left me.
The kids are 12, 7 and 5.
I suppose being disabled and mentally ill makes it different. I cant say my life is boring, it's certainly far from it (feel free to search for my thread on psychosis!) But it is frustrating at times. I miss being stable. I miss being able to work. I miss being able to run round after my children.
So yes, I'm a sahm, but im also in need of a lot of care and support which changes the dynamics drastically I think. I cant do the things other sahp do.