SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

For the last couple of years I’ve mainly been a SAHP, work with the hours I need isn’t easy to find and with my husband doing silly hours at high pay it’s easier when one of us can keep other stuff going. Before that I’ve been flexibly self employed on fairly low hours.

Childcare costs are insanely high, and jobs until recently (especially in certain areas) have been so inflexible, it’s no wonder that many women feel pushed out of work.

Personally instead of sneering at other women for their choices I believe we should unite and try and get some equality after parenthood. It’s definitely getting better but women certainly lose out whatever path they take after having kids.

As for any regrets, I’ve always been around for school runs, been able to be fully involved, and they’ll remember that, so no, in my mind it was a sacrifice worth making. Enjoy it OP, it goes fast!

Even if a nanny had paid me, I would have told her in no uncertain terms to go away and never come back. Why would I want to work in order to pay another woman to do what I feel strongly about doing myself? Makes no sense.

But not everyone wants to "manage" with "a nanny and carefully orchestrated calendars". Nor does everyone have or even want "family help." That is just not how some (most?) families want to live - at all (if they have any choice).

What do you think families where both parents work in senior roles do, then?

We managed with a nanny, carefully orchestrated calendars and very occasional family help, while both travelling extensively for work throughout DD's childhood.

Claiming that a woman staying at home is the only way a man is able to progress is disingenuous and, frankly, depressing.

If a family decides the best for them is to have a stay at home parent then great, but a necessity it is not.

Exactly. The fact that I was at home all the time meant that dh never had to accommodate that side of parenting, and as a consequence his career has progressed exponentially. Do I benefit from that money? Absolutely. Because he wouldn't have had the opportunity to earn it without my cooperation/sacrifice. It's family money.

I think it’s also worth considering that her husband wouldn’t be able to work the hours he does without his wife providing the childcare. Doing all the pick ups, being home for every school holidays and every sick day. its definitely not using him as a meal ticket.

Does this count as a zombie thread. It's a general discussion rather than a specific issue

Trying too hard, Katelyn88.

ZOMBIE THREAD.

I admire your spirit and strength

Oh come on! What do you do when your husband is off to work and kids are at school!? He IS your meal ticket! How would you find your lifestyle if he doesn’t pay for it?

People here get very angry if you ask such questions 🤣

When I read these threads I often wonder, does your DH have so more freedom?

I'm mostly a sahm. Dh has a very well paid job and family money. He could reduce his hours although he'd need to find another job as his current employers won't allow senior staff to work part time. He doesn't want to do that. He could take a year out. He doesn't want to do that. We agreed I'd go back full time when our youngest started school. Now that's less than a year away, he's started moving goalposts because he likes our current life. I'd argue he has way more freedom than me. Although my cage is gilded so there's that...

Quite. I hadn't worked for nearly 10 years, and then got the first job I applied for. They didn't care about the gap, they were more than happy with the previous experience I gained over the 20+ years I worked before I had my ds.

It's almost as though some women are desperate for the opposite to happen though, so they can sneer and smug whilst telling you they told you so.

But why is that looked down upon? My ds is 7 now, and I've only just gone back to work, part time at that. My husband has never considered himself a meal ticket and I've never look at him as one. When I was SAHM full time, it made both our lives very easy, which was a benefit to us both. And it's not as if once children are at school it's oh so easy all of a sudden - for regular hours/days, there's still childcare to consider before and after school, plus school holidays. Plus the ability to attend parents meetings, sports days, after school activities at decent times was a bonus. I certainly wasn't sat around filing my nails and brunching with friends everyday for the past two years

When I read these threads I often wonder, does your DH have so more freedom?

I was a SAHM for a while, took a career break from a career I hated and then went freelance now have a fab business of my own. The much threatened failure to get another job if I was a SAHM and had a gap in my CV never materialised and that SAHM period was quite wonderful. I loved being with my babies and I love the way I work now as I still can be very involved. I don't earn as much but I earn enough and have so much more freedom!

No one looks down upon women taking a few years break to raise children.

People look down upon women who treat relationships/marriage as meal tickets. Women who have kids in school full time, yet sit at home all day while the partner works to support the family.

Oops sorry zombie thread

I took a career break after having my second child so was a SAHM for a couple of years. I had a small amount of inheritance that allowed me to do this, though the plan was always to go back to work.
I don't regret it although looking back I actually was quite depressed and questioned my choices. I really wanted to be a SAHM with our first and then had to go back post mat leave, so this was my attempt to be SAHM to two of them - except the ship had sailed a bit with my eldest and I found it harder and more boring than I'd thought it would be.

Glad that I had options at the end of it and my son actually went into a childcare setting 3 days a week from aged almost 3, and I returned to work. I wish I'd had the option of extended mat leave or career break with my first as it felt like about the right amount of time for them, and for me. I'm glad it wasn't a permanent arrangement looking back and that I had options in career terms and could pick it up again.

I just don’t understand why it’s so looked down on, especially in the U.K.? Isn’t it an amazing thing for a child to be with its mother?

It isn't, when children aren't school aged. But thats only a short period, most people have two children, if they are 2 or 3 years apart, its only 7 or 8 years out if a working life 45 years long.

So most people don't want to do it because those 7 or 8 years out tend to badly damage your career, wonen are often left working for low pay with little financial security.

It is looked down on when people give up entirely and become a housewife for 20+ years, because unless you have disabilities or children with sen/disabilities who require different things, it can be quite a lazy choice as the work to do at home takes considerably less time than the time available when children are at school.

Such an interesting thread. I think it’s great that women can discuss these things with a wider audience and get different perspectives.
I had two daughters young (20 &26) and never really got a career off the ground. I knew I wanted a little family and was ( usually) very happy being the main care giver. I did start working part -time when 1st daughter was 2.5 yrs and then pretty much all the way through until youngest was at High school and I went full time. I worked part time to help with the family finances and feel a bit independent. The worst thing anyone ever said to me-I was at an evening do at my husbands work, all dressed up, enjoying being out and a woman next to me asked what I did? I proudly told her I had a gorgeous 15th old daughter who kept me very busy-she looked me up and down and with a withering look asked me ‘what else I did?’. Tbh I was pretty crushed at the time-so much for the sisterhood! Now I am a nana to a darling 9 month old grand daughter and my daughter has 12mths mat leave-when asked should she go back full time, I have said work or don’t work but whatever you do -do it willingly and understand the sacrifices either way. Because there are sacrifices BOTH ways. Also-I think employers need to be more flexible with hours. It’s very hard wrapping child rearing around a patriarchal 9-5 system. I found it very hard to find well paid, stimulating part time work and usually had to work below my abilities. I also went to college/trained as they got older. But I just bided my time until the children went to high school. I’m now 56 and going back to a full time career I started in my 40’s after 4 years part time to get me through the hideous menopause years! I was always fascinated when I met new mothers who worked, in my experience they usually had a very good support system ( grandparents nearby etc) which I didn’t have and now don’t live near my daughter either. I just wish we could all be a bit more supportive of each other and less judgemental of choices.

I loved being a SAHM, it was something I knew I wanted before children, so it was a mutual decision with DH that we talked about before I became pregnant.

The few years I took out seem tiny considering we work for decades of our lives. No regrets, I'd make the same choice again.

I spent 3 years as a SAHM. Loved aspects of it especially when she went to school. Chilling at home, meeting friends for lunch, playing sport, wandering around the shops, tidying my house. Enjoyed all the freedom.
However I returned to work some years ago and love that too. I did struggle with identity as a SAHM but I think that was because so much of my identity is career related, as sad as that might be.

@saturning Totally undertand where you're coming from, don't let this feeling of worry about work etc take over though, my mum did this for years and totally talked herself out of going back to work and now I look bk it was just what she needed but the fear took over, you don't have to set the world on fire
Career wise but a little job be it part time intially or admin support or anything to start off with will give you a boost and just take it step by step, you will find something just don't let that doubting Tom take over, you may also make some friends and really come to enjoy once you find the right one too x x x

They have a very low earning partner OR
They are a single parent
AND
They have a pre school child

Otherwise they wouldn’t be permitted to rely on state benefit