SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

YANBU OP.

I get the impression that people think I’m a bit stupid or incapable because I stay at home with my DC. They don’t know that before I had them I was earning over £100k at a job in the city and have saved enough to see me through until they start school.

I get constant comments off other parents along the lines of “what do you do with all your spare time” (I have a toddler = no “spare” time) or “your house must be immaculate” (See previous point about said toddler) or - my favourite - “don’t you find your brain turns to mush at home”. Urgh. I spend time with my child. We play together. We learn. We read. In normal times we leave the house and go out... shock horror we don’t spend all day at home.

I chalk it up to people trying to feel more at peace with their own decisions.

I wanted to stay home with my kids and not have them brought up by a nursery or nanny, but I also wanted to work and contribute financially towards the family, use my brain and achieve something for myself, plus have the freedom of having my own money. So I decided to be a wahm instead of a sahm. I loved being home with my kids but I also love having my own business and having the freedom to work around my kids. It's harder, longer hours, and can be difficult to balance everything, but it's absolutely worth it. My mum was a sahm as well but was always doing some freelance work on the side.

Don’t feel ashamed of it, OP! You feel how you feel!
I love being a SAHM. I feel very lucky and privileged to be able to be at home with my children until they start school. We did have to rearrange our lives and finances somewhat in order to achieve it, but where I am there are plenty of women - and a few men - who have put careers on hold or changed careers so as not to miss out on the early years. I would do it over again in a heartbeat, as I really just enjoy the day-to-day of taking them out and about, and watching and helping them to learn and develop!

I am Sahm to my youngest. I worked part time with older two. I worked 25 hours a week once they were both in school. We have a big age gap for the youngest and I gave up work.
He’s almost three now. I will go back to work next year. Our days used to be full with various baby groups. Slowly these are opening again so have more structure. The last year I’ve been, like others, helping the older two with school work as well as dealing with the toddler.

The school run provides routine and we make sure we get out to the park a few times a week. Play outside, shop and play inside.
He will go to pre school in September too.

I don’t give a monkeys whether I am judged or not. I find when people judge over something that doesn’t harm anyone else, it’s about something going on with them. Insecurity or jealousy. I have worked all my life. Happy to take four years off before I go back to the world of work. I won’t ever go back full time though. We are lucky to be able to afford to work fewer hours.

I do see a lot of women on this forum moan about how much they suffer working and doing housework. They often reply to SAHMs with "I do all of that AND work" so I just assumed that they struggled in the evenings and weekend to get washing etc done. I forgot a lot of working families would have a cleaner! Lots of people probably have dishwashers and tumble dryer too. Which I don't have.

I know quite a few parents who drop off their kids at 8 am and pick them up at 6 pm then run around trying to do everything else.
But it sounds like you have it worked out well!

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents.

I find these kind of comments baffling. The things I have in common with my friends don't relate in any way to work.

I was a SAHM for many years while my DC were little. I went back to work as soon as my youngest started school.

I loved being a SAHM, but looking back I think I took a big risk. I was lucky enough to find a fulfilling job after many years out of the office (because there was an opportunity for someone with my specific combination of skills). I really love my job now, and I know many women who have struggled to find interesting work after being a SAHM so I am relieved that it worked out OK for me.

I'm pretty happy being a sahm, to be honest I never liked my job before having DD and one motivation for having a family was an excuse to leave work. But I do find there's a lot of judgement so I started a small company for the sake of having another status and small talk. I'm quite lazy with running it though, it's mostly passive, and have put myself on furlough since the scheme started so I've done nothing for over a year. But most people think of me as a businesswoman now. I don't plan to get a proper job when DD starts school, but I will keep the business ticking over (if only as an excuse to get out of pta type duties). I'm not a sociable person so I don't mind not having colleagues or anything. I do need to keep mentally stimulated so I am doing an OU course (not for career reasons) and do a lot of reading in the evenings.

We're lucky that we could afford for DD to go to nursery 3 days since she was 2. I loved spending every day with her in the first 2 years - I went to every baby class going and we were always out visiting museums, theatres, parks etc. Even in lockdown we were out at parks and public gardens all the time. DD is with me 2 days and we're out most of the day (music, dance and swimming classes), and then on weekends we go out as a family with DH. I don't like staying at home with her for too long, plus we're in London so there's a lot of activities going on. I do the minimum of housework, I don't spend all day cleaning or anything.

Finances aren't a problem, fortunately I have my own assets and income and DH is a high earner, I have a pension and maxed out ISAs so I don't need to work to be financially comfortable.

SAHM to an almost 2 year old (will start a couple of sessions a week at nursery in September) and pregnant with number 2.
I do enjoy it and I’m happy but I definitely see it as temporary, if I weren’t pregnant again I’d probably look for something part time now-ish.
I wouldn’t be happy if I never worked again in my life.

I have recently become a SAHP of a reception age child. I wish I could have done it sooner but we couldn't afford it until now. I am not unemployed as I am not seeking work.

I am very happy, with an abusive family background I am finding being home and focusing on my family and my own health and wellbeing has been very healing.

I'd assumed we'd eek out 12 months mat leave then I'd go back p/t or compressed hours. Then DS came out very complicated and I quit and spent the next 18 months in and out of hospital. We did lots in-between, day trips and a few holidays to the sea side.

Started to get stagnant brain when he was 3 and we were no longer constantly at appts / he started 15 hours at nursery so I started an Pu science degree.

Was going to look for term time / part time etc when I got pregnant with twins who are now 16 mo. O couldn't afford childcare right now and I wouldn't feel right putting them in whilst we still have an option after DS having a SAHP for so long. Esp as we've been limited by lockdown since they were 3 mo.

My day is
Get up with DH and together we dress and feed 3 kids and ourselves.

School run and then possibily a trip to town for chores etc.
Feed kids again and in theory put them down to nap at 11.30 (will have done little between play, nappies, drinks etc).
If they both go down I like to have some quiet time / snack etc / watch some telly but more likely I end up bringing one down and then playing with him then trying repeatedly to make him go to sleep.
DH made lunch whilst WFH but now I'll get me and whomever is awake lunch. Quick tidy up.
Kids up for 2.15 so I can get them changes and back on school run. Home by 3.30-4.
Make the kids dinner, feed them, wash, dress and play with them.
DH home at 6, he'll play with kids whilst o make sure our dinner is prepped / on.
DH takes eldest to bed at 7.15 with one twin and o take the other. They generally self soothe.
I'll come down and tidy, DH does bed for eldest. He'll help finish tidying if he's down first

I was a SAHM for years. Tbh I think people judge you no matter what you do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I think women just fundamentally love to judge each other (which is very clear by some of the remarks on here!) whatever they do and wherever they work which is sad really. Some women are only happy if they can put another woman down.

I really loved being a SAHM, despite the fact that it wasn't what I'd planned. I did it for 10 years plus, though have 3 DC with quite big age gaps, so had a young child in tow for much of it.

Pros: loved the fact that I got to spend loads of time with DC and never had to panic about emergency childcare when someone was ill. My eldest has SEN and it undoubtedly benefited him hugely to have me at home all that time. I enjoyed doing lots of volunteer work that fitted around DC's school and nursery days. Had plenty of friends either doing a SAHM role or working part-time, so always plenty of socialising during the day and lots of adult company - never felt as if it was me and DC on our own.

Cons - with hindsight, I do regret giving up my professional career (but I was on the verge of a breakdown with work related stress at the time I opted to become a SAHM, so something had to give, and at the time it was the job). And I did find that as the years went on I lost confidence in myself and felt my self-esteem slipping as DC got older. I agree that people judge you more for being a SAHM as DC get older. I countered the negativity by doing as much volunteer work as I could (and would highly recommend that for anyone who's opted to be a SAHM for a longer term period of time - it can really help with then getting back into the workplace if and when you want to).

I work now (though not in my original career) and have to say I am very happy to be back working but that's not to say I didn't enjoy the SAHM years. With hindsight I think I probably should have gone back to work earlier but certainly the first 6/7 years of being a SAHM were amazing.

As has been said on this thread, you'll be judged no matter what you do, so you might as well do what makes you and your family happiest.

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?
Unemployed implies someone is actively looking for work, which I'm not.

Being a SAHM is not for everyone but if its for you and you can afford it then I would respect your decision! And never look down on you for it. The people I do judge slightly (perhaps unfairly but I will be honest):

• people who become SAHM because 'they'd only come away with £100/£200 a month etc after childcare' and then moan about money constantly. Work is about more than money, as long as you're not actively losing money its still worth it for career continuity/progression
• SAHP who act like childcare is cruel. It's definitely not and a normal healthy positive part of many childrens lives. Just as I don't judge for your choice don't for mine!

The only thing I would say as I work PT and meet a variety of mums at groups/parks etc on my days off is that I don't often feel I have as much in common with SAHP as I do working/working PT parents. I couldn't devote years just to my children despite adoring them as I value my own identity and career and find I tend to have more in contact with like minded parents. Sometimes I wish I could be that mother that didn't drop her kids off with relief on a Monday morning but... I'm not .

I did it for 8 years. Had 3DC. I was losing my shit by the end, and went to Uni when my youngest was almost 2.

The pandemic has forced me back into a SAHM role whilst also trying to do a STEM degree and my MH is in fucking tatters.

@Shmithecat2 I agree. I even find myself doing it about myself if someone asks what I do: "oh I'm just a stay at home mum". I have internalised a lot of shame from those snidey comments and end up constantly feeling like I have to justify it.

I’m a bit of both - I work 3 evenings a week and one day at the weekend. So I’m home with my children 6 days a week; DH has them on the weekend day I work (I also work from home, and did pre Covid)

I love having the time with them while they’re little, but only because I’m still able to do something which is still in my industry, so I don’t feel I’m sacrificing my career development. I’m very lucky I can choose my hours to suit me.

It was also ridiculous with the cost of childcare. I didn’t see the point in paying for care when I knew this option of evenings was available.

I think there’s judgement whether you work or not. oh you work full time? Don’t you miss your children? How can you cope with paying someone else to raise them, I couldn’t bare it!!!

And likewise oh, you’re a stay at home mum? What do you do all day? I’d love to have the break from working! I don’t know how you can cope sacrificing your career, it’s important kids see mum working you know!!

Blah blah blah and repeat!

Personally I find working a break - I can sit in peace, drink hot tea, I love what I do. But I’m also very grateful for the day times with my kids - even the days I want to tear my hair out, it’s temporary and they’ll be in school before I know it!

Later this year there is likely the promotion coming up that I’ve been working toward for years. If I get it, it’ll go full time and DH will become a SAHP

Why do we always have to judge people by their desires? Some people want to be the CEO, others wants to be the Saturday morning person who does a few hours and goes home - both are valid, both are important. If someone wants to be a parent and that’s what makes them happy and motivates them then good for them. You have no place to eye roll at them, shitty attitude that makes people like the OP feel like they do.

OP I have just decided to become a SAHM. I’ve always loved my career and it’s been going really well. But I’ve had my DC and I realised I want to spend all my time with them whilst they’re small as I’ll never get the opportunity again. So I’ve quite work. In a year or two I’m going to go back into education and switch my career to something I’ve always wanted to do and can work around my DC. I’m happy, I’m excited and I’ve made the right choice for my family.

I am, 4 year old, 2 year old & another due soon.

Honestly all I ever wanted to be was a mum, so as soon as I had my first DD that was it for me, that was my role. I’ve been lucky enough to have 2 more!

I definitely get the impression that some people see that as a bit pathetic and not very ambitious (mostly online rather than in real life though.) But I don’t care. We’re all different.

We always wanted 3 children, it was always the plan I would stay home until the youngest was of school age at least.

Each to their own, if you couldn’t wait to get back to work - totally get that!

If you couldn’t think of anything worse than going back to work - totally get that too.

But I feel very, very lucky to be able to stay home with my children.

To some of the PPs on this thread, how can you be a SAHP to children of school age? Or any in childcare? Surely at that point, you're an unemployed parent?

Well, they're still a parent at home. The unemployed part is already inferred in that which is why WAHP and WFH came to discuss those at-home who are also working (even though SAHPs have done work, paid and unpaid, for ages). Also, some at-home parents home educate.

This reminds me of soon after I'd come out of the hospital, in the middle of my medical crisis, my spouse got remarks that he wasn't a SAHP anymore because I was now at home (apparently I could be a housewife/SAHM while bedbound, but he couldn't be a SAHD if I was also home). True, he was now also a carer dealing with having watched me nearly die, and he was doing some freelance work, and he was staying at home parenting, but if he wanted to identify with SAHD, I didn't see it as wrong and still do not get why people felt the need to narrow the definition of SAHP or assume that other things being involved means it doesn't count anymore.

The best thing about being a SAHM is by 3.30 all housework is done and I can then pay more attention to my children. Same with weekends. There is nothing to do or sort out so we can just have fun as a family.

I don't understand this. When I get home the housework is done because we haven't been in the house to mess it up. The food shop comes after the kids are in bed and the laundry is done in the morning when the kids are eating breakfast. Because the house is empty most of the time there's minimal house work and the cleaner does the bathroom/ hoovering/ dusting/ mopping. When I was at home with the kids I was constantly cleaning up from their food/ crafts/ toys and the house needed so much more cleaning.

I guess if your kids are at school then you don't get that though.

I think it’s a privilege if you genuinely have a choice. Most people I know either didn’t earn enough to cover childcare or their wages were necessary for the house so they had to go back to work. I don’t know anyone who had a totally free choice either way.

I think our childcare options are very limited in the UK compared to other countries (EU). That makes going back to work such a hard decision that people can be quite defensive about their own choice being the right one. Maybe looking down on SAHM helps some people justify £1000 spent on childcare.

I say that as someone who went back part time. I felt being a SAHM would be really tough mentally in terms of isolation and lack of adult contact. I wonder if those who are happy being SAHM have lots of family support (grandparents) and other mum friends nearby?

Indeed. Or the more snidey comments like 'I needed more than just being a mum.' Which, deliberately or not, implies that SAHMs are just a bit vacuous or dim.

I don't think that is the case at all. I'm a dreadful mum beyond loving my kids and feeding them. I don't enjoy them particularly and find spending time with them frustrating - for me I needed more because doing that made me feel angry, depressed and made me extremely unhappy, which made life worse for me, my, husband, my kids. I have friends who have found their calling in being a mum, it has fulfilled them in ways they didn't realise were possible. It has made them the best version of themselves that they could ever have hoped to be. I have other friends for whom somewhere in the middle is true, but on the whole they enjoy parenting more than they enjoyed their careers. None of us are vacuous or dim, we're just fulfilled by different things. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm just extremely grateful we live somewhere where we have the choice.