SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

Having stayed at home with my eldest for a while, my opinion on being a SAHM is that it's very bad idea in the society we live in.

In this society, looking after children is not counted as work - you don't get any pay, any recognition and minimal pension contributions. Staying at home to look after children puts a parent in a very vulnerable position. That absolutely shouldn't be the case - raising the next generation should not be seen as a valueless act - but it is. That's based in misogyny of course - it's women's work and therefore must be done in the background without interfering with the Important Work that men do. The very idea of paying someone to raise the future of the human race is seen as ridiculous - women are supposed to do it for free, out of love and other such lofty ideals.

In that context, IMO, being SAHM is risky. If you have at least some work history, if things go wrong - you break up with your partner, your partner dies or loses their job - then you have some backup, some way of keeping things running. If you've had years at home, that's frowned up on in so many job situations - getting a job is very hard, even just from the point of view of finding one in the first place.

It should absolutely be possible for a parent to stay at home with children and for it to be a positive choice for everyone. It often is great for the children and great for the working parent, who have someone constantly at home organising everything and making their lives easier. But for the SAHP it's a really shit deal. Apart from the financial risks, I've seen too many SAHMs lose their identity and become the person the family takes for granted - the dogsbody everyone relies on to be there at all times with no personal needs or dreams of their own. Being very focused on the family works when the children are small but what happens when they grow up and become independent? Many mothers find their stride again, get back into work, reclaim their own place, but many (and I know quite a few) don't - they're lost, no one sees them, they don't have a clue how to be anything other than the person their family relies on. I've also seen situations where, when the SAHM tries to get her own life back, the family gives her hell - she's not supposed to need or want anything and her desires are very inconvenient. When my best friend was going back to work after being a SAHM for about 7 years she talked about finding a job that fit in around school and not having too much of a commute. I said to her 'you've been the one accommodating everyone for years, why do you have to jump through so many hoops, why can't your DH change his hours or make sure he can do schools runs etc?' She had genuinely not even considered that her DH had some responsibility and that she could and should look for a job that she actually wanted to do rather than just one that suited everyone else.

It's so easy to become nothing and nobody in a world that doesn't value mothers and the work they do. It'd be great if that could change.

I've had being a SAHM forced on me due to covid and other circumstances (took over the house renovation, now a DIY expert:)) and I have to say I don't regret it at all.

I always felt like I had to work right from the moment she was born, not taking any maternity leave, just muddling through, some how.
Having this time with her has been priceless and I've been able to enjoy her and I'm really looking forward to our last summer together before she starts school.
I will work once she's at school but I will never regret this time I've had with her

I would absolutely LOVE to be a SAHM. Not possible in my case as I'm the breadwinner In our household. My children are growing up so fast and I wish I could slow it down to spend more time with them. If you're able to SAH enjoy every precious minute. You feel like it isn't valued by others? Don't worry about what they think, it's your life and your family.

Loads of typos in my post, which I can't edit. 🤦🤦🤦

I'm a solo parent of twin toddlers, a solo parent, on benefits; I think I would probably be looked down upon by the vast majority of people?
I have had a lot of issues, hence why I am currently not working. When I have childcare hours, I will be able to volunteer to improve my CV AND build my confidence. I don't want to be a SAHM by the time the twins are school age.
I think people in my position might be looked down upon because of being on benefits! I don't know. I'm an intelligent, capable person, but MH issues impeded my ability to work.
I digress.
I am looking forward to a return to some form of employment in order to society and, hopefully, be a better role model to my daughters than my mother was to me!

I worked for almost 20 years before having children and worked part time for a total of about 3 years in their younger years before leaving work alltogether when the youngest was about 6. Youngest is now 14. Loved it. Life was so much easier. Even working part time (4 days) and raising 3 kids and before and after school care and the odd work trip etc was super tricky.

The only thing I might change is going back to work after each maternity leave. My preference would be to have them cared for by a parent for at least the first 3 years. But they've turned out ok.

I agree it's a risk to 'give up' your career. But I also think you can get back your earning potential if you have plenty of years' worth of work experience under your belt. And there is no 'your money' and 'my money' when you've been a healthy earner pre-kids. I'd worked in a post-university professional capacity for a good 16 years or so before I had children. Now I'm working again from home in a skilled job with potential for progression if I want it (which I don't).

We've never needed to use formal childcare for my children. We are very lucky in my opinion and my mum has them one day a week and then I work opposite my husband so he has them while I work and vice versa. Some people hate the idea of this as it means we don't have any family time but it works for us and it meant we could use a charity run preschool for a few hours a week from age 2 to build up their socialisation skills.

Personally I think I would be happy as a SAHM, however there is absolutely no way we could afford to cut our family income in half. I have never judged a SAHM only in that they are very lucky that they can afford not to work. Even without kids if I didn't need to work I wouldn't be

I was a sahm for 4.5 years and loved it. I enjoyed every moment with my son till he went back to school. I used to live close to a nursery and somehow felt the kids there never got any attention and I couldn't imagine dropping him there. I was lucky that I was able to do this. The only reason I went back to work is I was able to find something that fitted well with school timings and worked well for us as a family and role was suitable to the experience I had. I cherish the memories I had without having to rush. I had comments from friends about how they can't imagine being stuck with a baby all day and nursery gave them a relief but never let it bother me as I just took it as their opinion and what worked for them and thankfully this didn't affect the friendship. In fact I have helped them with child care for emergencies when I could. I'd say do what suits you and your family only they matter.

It shouldn’t be looked down upon at all but I agree it is.

I would be a sahm in a heart beat if I could, I’m always jealous to be honest! I loved being on mat leave and hate being back at work

My years as a SAHM were the best years of my life.

I had a career previously but didn't feel defined by it. Some people have said that they were bored etc but it depends what you do with your time.

I helped run a playgroup, ran the school library and made lots of friends. Never, never bored. The only place I've ever been bored is at work!!

DH and I both agreed that I would look after DC myself. His mother was a SAHM whereas mine worked. His experience growing up was much better than mine so for us it was a no brainier.

I'm now looking forward to retirement so I can be the mistress of my time again rather than a wage slave.

I must say that I never returned to my career as it just took up too much time, long days and several weeks away at conferences etc. So I'm now in a 9-5 and much happier.

Im a SAHM by choice and I am completely happy and couldn’t care less if anyone looks down their nose at, that’s their problem!
It might be different if we struggled financially, but I get to live a life which, to me, is perfect and I feel incredibly lucky to be in this position. I don’t see my position as something to be looked down on, I see it as extremely fortunate. Others have differing opinions and that’s fine. This is mine and I love my life.

I was for 8 years, then returned to work. Enjoyed every minute of it. So did DH as I did all the grunt work. Back at work, mainly part time. Not affected job, and only a small drop in pension forecast. It was great to have that mixture of life experiences and avoid the stress of arranging childcare to small children.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and feel like it's my life's true purpose. I have a nearly 3 year old ds and can't wait to have more. It's hard and relentless but it's amazing and fulfilling too. I'm in England.

My day to day life (when DP is working) looks like:
Morning routine / washing cloth nappies
Our somewhere - park, shops, outing of some sort!
Dinner then spending time with ds.
Cleaning, garden work and more laundry as and when I can squeeze it in!
Tea then bedtime routine
Evenings - time for me / any jobs.

I agree it’s a tricky position to be in as SAHM as from the outside you seem to be doing damage to the movement for women’s equality (which we all want).
I’m looking at it as a job, though, a short-term break from paid working in order to give my kids a good foundation before they start school, in a way that I also find fulfilling. I put a lot of energy, thought and time into them that I’d otherwise be putting into a job. Not just plonking them in front of the tv.

I am currently a stay at home mum. I’m actually a foster carer as well so kind of working from home mum. For our family at has been the very best a thing. As well as being beneficial to the children it was very important to me to be there as much as I could and spend as much time as possible with them while they were young.

SAHM to 2 and I wouldn't change it for the world. I am in constant awe of how fast my children grow up. It really is going by in the blink of an eye and I don't want to miss it. Once they've all started school I'll probably go back to work, but whilst they are so little I am focusing on them and enjoying this time. I've probably got at least another 30 years of working ahead of me before I hit retirement. My kids are only little for a tiny fraction of that time.

I’m a SAHM to 3 DCs, youngest 3. I had a very good job earning more than my DH, I went back part time after DC1 and loved it as I had what I felt was the best of both worlds, 3 days in the office and a half day wfh. Then the rest of my time I was able to take dc to groups, the park, have lots of cuddles during the day. Unfortunately I was made redundant 2 weeks before DC2 was due and there was no way I could earn as much in another job unless I moved cities (I relocated during my first pregnancy through work to a city with less earnings potential in general). So we decided I’d become a sahm. At the same time we moved back to the UK. I definitely couldn’t earn as much in the uk in my field as I never got a degree, apparently that makes me less capable somehow, even though I had over 20years working experience, so I’ve not considered going back to work. I may if we move back overseas.

I agree that sahm’s definitely get looked down in here more. I got so much grief from my family, they perceive sahm’s as lazy and having nothing to do all day.

The best part for me is the little things, being able to lie in bed during the day and cuddle my DCs at nap time, sadly those days are gone. Picking DCs up from school on a sunny day and taking them to the park, or driving to the beach, we only live 15 mins from the coast. Being able to take them to activities (pre-covid). Attending sports days, school assemblies every week, not panicking how I’m going to manage work when a call comes from the school saying one of them is sick. The same with medical appointments with 2 DCs having regularly dr & hospital appointments I would struggle if I worked to keep up with those.

I’d strongly advise women to get their financial security locked down if they do. Mind you I read about women paying half of the household costs while earning a fraction of their dh/dp’s wages, or surviving maternity leave on their savings while their dh/dp is building up his own fat pension and climbing the career ladder. So I think lessons on establishing financial equity are needed by all, not just sahps

This.

On the ‘looked down upon’ front. I think that’s either down to the fact that we are pushing so hard for equality that being a SAHM takes it away a little bit.. or at least is seen that way. The women stays home, cooks cleans and looks after the kids. It’s a bit of an old fashioned thing.

I tried; the idea of staying home with DD was nice. However I’ve always worked full time and it was alien to me not to work. So I went back full time when DD was 10 months old.

It wouldn’t be worth putting her into nursery on a part time income so full time is better for us. She’s thriving at nursery and we don’t have to budget anymore- works for us!

I also think people look down on SAHM because some automatically assume your claiming benefits/living off everyone’s tax. Which isn’t always the case but I do know of a few ladies my age who boast about their free childcare and how their partners have cut their working hours too so they can claim more from the gov. That annoys me but a general SAHM doesn’t.

I am and I love it. it works perfectly for our family. I never had a career, just worked to pay the bills. Some women do look down on me, but their opinions is worth nothing so I just shrug and that's that .

In my day to day life, I love being a sahm and I think I have a fantastic quality of life. We have a ds with asd and everything about our family life would be harder if I worked outside the home.

I have a great relationship with dh, but there is an imbalance at the heart of it because it would be very difficult for me to leave. Even though we have a good relationship and I’m not planning to leave, that has an affect in small ways. And even though we have agreed on equal financial access when we disagree on a financial matter I’m more likely to concede because I don’t feel equally entitled.

Outside of our home there’s a lot of negativity about my choices from family, friends, acquaintances, blind strangers and ransoms on the internet. And that is probably the biggest sense of dissatisfaction for me. There is precisely zero respect for the role. And other women dismiss you as not worth knowing, and other sahms are often too busy with caring and volunteering work to socialise regularly.

I wouldn’t encourage other women to sah, and I’d strongly advise women to get their financial security locked down if they do. Mind you I read about women paying half of the household costs while earning a fraction of their dh/dp’s wages, or surviving maternity leave on their savings while their dh/dp is building up his own fat pension and climbing the career ladder. So I think lessons on establishing financial equity are needed by all, not just sahps.

I don’t know if I’d make the same decisions again. On a domestic level it’s been good but on a social level it’s not. But then I think about ds and I’m not sure I would choose the alternative either.

I really don't think it's a big deal either way. It's all personal preference and circumstances. I wouldn't look down on a sahm but neither do I look up to them...it is what it is. I love my job so there's no way I would stay home...and I could if I wanted to.