SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

I was refuting this statement:*

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family.

But it's true that the value is to your family not society because children without SAHPs still grow up as functional adults who contribute to society. You being a SAHP is only a benefit to society if you believe your child is intrinsically better for having a SAHP than another child who's in childcare

It's all about criticising women.
Women are criticised for working and yet also criticised for not working.
We are criticised for having children too young or having children too old, we are criticised for having too many or too few children. We are criticised for not having children.
Men certainly do not receive anything like the same level of criticism or judgement for their work and parenting choices.

As women we do not need to buy into criticising the choices of other women. We are all making the best choices we can in our own circumstances.

I think it would be better to spend time trying to address structural problems within our society that financially disadvantage women. SAHMs are often particularly vulnerable to the risk of personal financial disadvantage for many different reasons and for some the decision to be a SAHM can cause a huge financial problem in later life.

In the nicest possible way, the value that you create is for the benefit of your own family.

I'm a SAHM. My son is 5 and a half and I have a 7 month old.
I've loved it. Though it is so hard and often lonely. You're right that people look down on it though.

@Devlesko - everyone is different. I wanted to continue with my career and we found excellent childcare (am still in touch with them 21 years later).

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week. More people in our family/friend group has passed negative comment on that than about me being a sahm.

To be fair that’s a very extreme example. Those children are spending almost all their waking hours in childcare, it’s basically their home. I’m not surprised that has raised some eyebrows. The reality for the vast majority of working parents is nothing like that, despite what a lot of SAHMs on Mumsnet would like to believe. Many of us juggle our commitments as a family and maintain two careers around, say, three days of nursery for the children.

Very happy. I feel so privileged to be able to spend so much time with my children. I know they would be fine if I was at work full time but I always knew I wanted to be at home in the early years and I really, really enjoy it - so I mainly made the choice for me. I was also a teacher though and lucky that it is so easy to get back into - I've started tutoring in my evenings now and looking to going back part time when my youngest starts school in a couple of years.

I'm a sahm with no say in the matter tbh. There is no choice for me. It's very hard I'm also a single mum so feel I'm doubly judged if you know what I mean. Shit when life doesn't go the way you expect

Nice in their early years. Can be hard get into employment if big gaps. Whatever works for you though. Can be hard get time off for kids apts

I think it depends on where you live/your social circle. I live in a small village and almost every mother I know is a SAHM. In my daughter's class at school for instance out of 20 kids , two mothers work.

I think you are either career minded or you're not . My sister has worked very hard to get to where she is in her career and I think she is amazing. She has two children who are in childcare from 7am till 7 pm 6 days a week. More people in our family/friend group has passed negative comment on that than about me being a sahm.

I thinks it's only on mumsnet that I've ever seen negative comments made about being a sahm. My husband works very long hours and makes enough money to pay for everything. If I was to work it would be for minimum wage and most of my wage would go on childcare for my younger ones. I would be stressed and thinly spread.

I enjoy being a sahm and will continue to do so for a good few years to come yet. Also a few people have made snarky comments about influencing my daughter's to be as 'lazy' as I am , both my older daughters work full-time and love it.

No. Especially now. It’s stifling and boring. I’m an accidental SAHM. I normally go back at 12mths. I fear I’ve been off work so long it will be really difficult to go back. I need a job for my sake, to add extras to life that make it living not existing and to future proof myself. You can be very trapped without your own income and no way to change your situation.

Because we need young people to join the workforce to pay for our old age.

Children benefit all of us, for the most part

I completely agree, but what's that got to do with SAHP?

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@Parker231 I’m not really sure what the solution is. I have some Swedish and Danish friends and the way raising children is seen and valued is very different to in the U.K.[/quote]
Sahp will not be valued until society isn't driven to work all the hours God sends.
It's the same for sahd's in fact worse at times as they are referred to as cock lodgers, even though it's a decision made by both partners.
Some people don't want to earn a salary and contribute to making the fat cats fatter.
We never left children in childcare it just isn't part of our culture either. Not really something we would have considered.
To me it seemed silly to pay someone else to look after them when we had them, and are capable parents.

[quote Nevermindgeorge]@Parker231 I’m not really sure what the solution is. I have some Swedish and Danish friends and the way raising children is seen and valued is very different to in the U.K.[/quote]
I thought Scandinavian countries had more low cost childcare and women were expected to return to work?

Children benefit all of us, for the most part

Oh I must add - I am married , own half the house and if we split up I'd be ok financially. I'd have been very wary of giving up my job If I were not married, or if I had a husband who was in anyway mean with money .

Not that I think we will split up ! But i did go into this with my eyes open and a clear plan of how / when I would return to work.

Is it so hard to understand that people are just different and that some people will never feel personally fulfilled by childcare, however many stimulating activities and trips they plan and do? I hope you’re not teaching your children to be so narrow minded, sneery and intolerant of differences.

I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DCwell arguably my son's surgeons job is more important than them being a SAHP in terms of how easily their skill set can be replaced. But going back to work isn't actually about people thinking their job is more important than looking after their child, it's about needing to provide for their child and doing what's right for their family

I'm a SAHM and I enjoy it but it's definitely on for a limited time. For us, it was the only sensible option:

I had two babies 1 year apart

Double childcare cost more than I earned

No family around for free childcare

My wages were very low next to my self employed husband (I'd had to have a career change a few years before for health reasons so was doing admin work) so it made zero sense for him to go p/t

Because of the way the eldest birthday fell she's only just become eligible for subsidised hours (she's 3y 3m)

We were relocating anyway, and this took MONTHS (we have only just moved) and so I'd have needed to find a new job anyway

The first Covid lockdown happened shortly before I was due to go back after having my second, and there was no way I was wfh with a 1 and 2 yo only to hand my notice in a fe months later for relocating

So , all signs pointed towards me sticking it out at home for a while. It's offered our household a log of consistency through a fairly chaotic time, it's not affected us financially and I do feel lucky to have had the choice to take a break from work. BUT (partly due to Covid) it has been immensely isolating at times and very challenging in terms of entertaining both girls at home all day every day. I feel that if it weren't for Covid I'd have enjoyed the past year a lot more.

I'm hoping that the girls can do some hours in childcare (with some help from family now that we have moved) from August this year, and that I'll be back at work within a year of that (I'd like to do some studying first).

I think it's been a really good thing for our family for me to have this time at home, I'm not sure how we'd have coped otherwise .... but if I thought i was going to be a SAHM when my girls were school age I think I'd feel quite frustrated. I really did enjoy work too !

Also, I have definitely never ever felt "looked down upon" . In my friendship groups people do tend to understand and even say things like "hats off to you I couldn't do it !"

I think, providing I do some study and return to a decent job in the next couple of years, I will look back upon this career break as a very good move and feel very grateful to have been at home when my little ones were ... little 💖

I'm a SAHM. I love it and it's definitely for me but it suits some and not others. As for the negativity surrounding my choice (and it was a choice, not expected or forced on me by DH or anyone else) I only ever get that on mumsnet. My friends, family, previous colleagues & strangers I chat to are perfectly accepting of it. That said, I would only do this if the circumstances were right - married, sizeable income, own financial independence (i.e. savings to fall back on), friends and family to see in the week to avoid being lonely or bored. I feel fortunate to be able to have this time with my DC.

[quote Parker231]@Nevermindgeorge - do you want government funding to stay at home?[/quote]
Arguably I'd be costing the Govt money in childcare help if I worked and job seekers if I looked for work so....

I love it. I can't imagine any job being more important or preferable to spending time raising my DC.

There are so many groups to go to, activities to do, places to go with a small child and helping them grow and develop is incredible.

I did enjoy my job and miss it occasionally but I wanted to be a mother for so long and there's just no way I'd have been willing to hand my baby over to anyone else.

It's definitely not right for everyone but it can be very fulfilling.

@Nevermindgeorge - do you want government funding to stay at home?