SAHM’S are you happy? What is your life like?

Some children spend 50 of their waking hours in nursery - we have to be honest about this

And even if you go with the extreme example of kids in nursery for ten hours a day, five days a week - and thanks to flexible working arrangements, I know very few people who actually do this - that's 50 hours. That still leaves 118 hours in the week in which the parents are doing the childcare. Yes, the child will sleep for a chunk of this time, but the parents are still the ones soothing them when they wake up in the night.

Then there is extra time when parents are on annual leave, bank holidays etc, which can easily add up to, say 10-12 weeks a year, or more in some jobs. It's the parents who end up taking time off with the kids if they're sick, as well.

So, even in the most extreme cases, the kids are generally with their parents far more than they are not.

DH and I raised them - taught them how to hold a cup, we sang and read to them daily, sat them on a potty (endlessly). They don’t live at nursery. By using a nursery for childcare you aren’t distancing yourself from how they are cared for. That’s why you put so much time and effort into finding the right nursery.

paralysed the big difference between a child going to school, and a child being in a nursery/other childcare setting is of time spent at home. School children have extensive school holidays to spend at home with their families, this is not the case for parents working FT. It may only be a few weeks every year between them.

The second point to consider is that school aged children are only in school for six hours, most babies and toddlers in nurseries are there for much longer.

It is also about age. The under fives obviously have many more needs, much more of their identity/values/development/ life experience/personality is taking place and will shape the rest of their lives. It has a much bigger impact on a two year old, than a eleven/twelve year old for instance.

I'm a SAHM and I've been trying to learn how not to justify myself to people.

I’m a SAHM to a 12 year old. I had her later in life after a lot of difficulties with infertility and it changed me. For a significant period of time my whole purpose became trying to have a child, this came above any work related goals I had previously and was time consuming and not particularly compatible with a full time, professional career. My DH also worked very long hours and travelled internationally so by the time we had our DC, I was absolutely ready to spend all my time with her. I adored it, and it suited our family.
Since then, I have worked on a voluntary basis as a Trustee for a small charity and would quite like to find a part time job, as I have found myself bored through the pandemic. Prior to that, I kept busy organising our life (inc building projects) and attending school functions, matches etc. I lost my mum when I was a teenager so am probably keener to make the years count than I need to be.
I do trust my DH to be fair if we split but recognise I am vulnerable as I get older. However, I do feel I could fend for myself if push came to shove.

I remember reading once that the childhood years are short and you could view this in one of two ways:
Either short enough to take time out of work and spend that time with your children or short enough to carry on working because they’ll be grown up before you know it.

I think both approaches are equally valid, but individuals will completely differ I their preference.

parker That is not true. Someone else is feeding your child, teaching them how to hold a cup, singing and reading to them, teaching them manners, how to use the potty and how to do every day things. How can you do it if you are there? Genuinely puzzled.

Yes you might be paying for everything, the shoes, the childcare, the parties, and maybe you do brush their teeth and wake up in the night when they are ill, but the bulk of raising a child (if you are working FT) is not happening with you. That is okay, but we have to be honest about it.

I’ve been a sahm for 15 years. My days are busy. I love it.

It’s not for some bit I wouldn’t change it.

Putting a roof over your child's head and food on the table is also a pretty important part of parenting in my view.

If parents both have to work FT because they can not afford to house and feed their children, then clearly they have to do that, but for others that have more choices I think it is a shame for the child spending their whole life in one institution or another being raised by people that invested in them emotionally.

I don't know a single child who spends their whole life in an institution. What an odd idea. There are so many ways in which parents can manage their careers flexibly, there really isn't any need for that.

DH and I did use paid childcare for the first few years - a wonderful nanny who we used for four hours per day, five days per week. She was emotionally invested in dd sufficiently to make her want to travel 200 miles at her own expense every year for ten years(pre-covid) to visit her. Paid childcare doesn't necessarily mean uncaring and indifferent.

We managed the rest of the time between us - both me and DH working full time but flexibly around each other. No paid childcare at all once dd was in school. I know so many families who have different versions of this kind of arrangement. They are definitely the ones providing their kids with love and security, instilling values, teaching manners etc.

Out of interest, do you send your children to school, and if so, do you believe that their teachers take over the parenting from that point on?

Lots of nurseries teach routines and napping to babies, potty training to toddlers etc etc.

SAHps do all that

Of course you are raising your child. You are the parents. You are making decisions about their feeding, sleep, how they will be schooled, you brush their teeth, take them for their vaccinations, put them to bed with cuddles and a story, you are there when they are ill, wake in the night, have birthday parties, you buy their shoes and teach them manners and how to behave.
All decisions are made by the parents - working or not.

Also that's really not a dig. At all. I'm not against nursery or childcare. It's just not true to say you do as much parenting as the person looking after your child. Because you physically are not there.

You can't parent your child if you are not there parker I find it worrying that you think that you are. It is a sacrifice. One that some parents are comfortable with, some less so.

Which is why parents generally are very careful what childcare providers they use, the people looking after dc every day are having a huge impact on the children they care for particularly in the early years, and that is magnified by the number of hours they spend there.

It's a compromise.

Are not invested in them emotionally.

I'm a sahm to four school age dc. I also have two older step children who's mum died when they were young. They don't live at home though.
I like it and I never feel the need to justify myself and I could not care less what anyone else thinks. I'm doing what's right for me and my family. I'm on the go continuously and I'm in charge of everything around the children and home. They all have very busy lives and I love being able to go to all the school stuff, being able to pick up and drop off everyday and just be here for them.

By using childcare you aren’t passing the raising and parenting role to others. You are still 100% parenting.

It absolutely is, parenting is more than childcare - in a million different ways. So we need to be around - both parents - to do the part that no one else can. Instil values, manners, security, love, bonds and all the other things that are important.

If parents both have to work FT because they can not afford to house and feed their children, then clearly they have to do that, but for others that have more choices I think it is a shame for the child spending their whole life in one institution or another being raised by people that invested in them emotionally.

Secondly, my DH and I have absolutely been the ones raising our daughter. I'm not sure who else you think has raised her.

Thirdly, parenting is about more than just childcare.

KillerFlamingo I could have not gone back to work, and I don't think my job is more important than my kids. But I do think it often preferable to spending time with them. I love them, but find being a mother incredibly tedious. I did not know I would feel this way though. Working makes ME a better mother. I have more tolerance and patience for the time I do spend with them.

I certainly don't look down on SAHMs but as many other posters have said I do think it leaves women in a very vulnerable position financially.

My SIL has been a SAHM for 20 years, had what looked like a wonderful marriage until her DH left her suddenly two years ago. She has no job, can't get a mortgage and the financial settlement she received in the divorce is peanuts.

Financially she is absolutely fucked and having to start over at 48 has been devastating for her.

paralysedbyinertia I am not sure that is quite right, if you are away from your child for ten hours a day, five days a week then your child is mostly being raised by other people.