Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[quote littlepattilou]@germinal

I am soooo sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard. I may be wrong, but it seems like he has moved on way too fast. New woman, same name, already letting her stay over a lot. Very odd. Won't be long before she moves in, and it seems HUGELY unfair on the children. Seems like your BIL has replaced your sister as quick as he could.

Some people just simply CANNOT live without being in a relationship. I know some women who have this 'any man is better than no man' attitude, and some men also, who can't function without having a woman in their life, and in their house.

I know a woman (now 53,) who was with a man from the age of 30, and they were like soulmates; did everything together, no kids, lots of cats, 2 dogs, a bit of travelling, camping trips, very happy-hippy types.

He died of cancer (just 5 months after being diagnosed,) in 2017, and she wept uncontrollably for 5 days straight, and sobbed at his graveside at the funeral, and posted a pic on facebook 2 weeks after is death, with her holding a 4 ft x 6 ft blown pic of him over her head, with her crying, and 'R.I.P. my angel' as the tagline on the post.

Six months later, she had another man. Pics of them loved up, and going on day trips together, camping, and cuddling by the campfire, and pics on facebook saying #loveisgrand and similar things. Every one of the 200+ pics of her deceased husband, (and pics of him and her) was GONE from facebook, except one, within 5-6 weeks of the new man coming on the scene.

As I said, 6 months her husband had been dead before she started seeing this new man. And she moved on with someone who was the same as him in every way. He seemed HUGELY like a replacement. Not sure what her new man thought, about him being a carbon copy of her husband of 20 years, but everyone thought it was a bit odd.

Yeah it's her business, (before anyone says,) but people are still allowed to have an opinion on it.[/quote]
Yes it’s her business and until you’ve been widowed you have no idea about it.

If he’d been terminally ill for 5 months and the outcome wasn’t going to be good then it’s very common to grieve during that time and the “hit” when they die isn’t quite so great as a shock such as an accident out of nowhere.

Widowhood can often make you embrace life going forward - you know first hand how fragile it can be and how quickly it can taken away. For some people this means a clean slate and making the most of things.

Honestly until you’ve been there don’t judge anyone because you know nothing about it.

Until I met my DH I though being pregnant then being a single parent meant people felt free to give their opinions and declare what I should or shouldn’t be doing...

But fuck me when someone is widowed so many people have opinions!

Usually offensively containing the phrase “if it was me...” when they don’t have a clue what they’d do.

It doesn’t matter if anyone else thinks it’s too soon, or too long, or the person is too alike or too different as long as they’re right for the person they’ve met.

Oh, one of my exes compared his divorce to the pain of losing my soulmate.
How I fucking laughed at that!

The bullshit on this thread is phenomenal. Look after your children and put your children first and let them be your light.

The bullshit I hear is coming from people like you, who think that widowed parents and divorced parents are the same.
They are not.

If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

Whilst widows may have something in common with single parents, in the fact that they are single parents, the circumstances that led them there are not the same, nor are the circumstances that surround that child afterwards. A widowed parent has no need to do a freedom course. Do you get why? A single parent and and absent parent is not the same as a widowed parent and a bereaved child.

Fuck me, step mums get ripped apart on here for meeting their partners kids within a year, yet when their mother has literally DIED some posters think that's okay??
The mind boggles.

I'm so sorry OP. Your BIL sounds like a selfish dad to be honest.

The delusion and the hypocrisy are breathtaking.

I'm the one who put her kids first. I had to ''find the light'' in other ways. I put my DC first. And if I even dipped a toe in to ''lease of life'' I had my wings clipped quickly enough.

The bullshit on this thread is phenomenal. Look after your children and put your children first and let them be your light.

@WiseOwlOne Well, firstly, a divorced person hasn't been through the pain of widowhood. So there's one big fucking difference. Secondly, I absolutely would not be tearing someone apart for moving on after divorce. Others might. But there are plenty of people doing the same on this thread.

And maybe look up what gaslighting actually is before you accuse someone of it.

@WiseOwlOne

But as a widower you're just trying to find the light.
If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

Absolutely.

omg what absolute gaslighting xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx1t.

Grow up

[quote peachgreen]@WiseOwlOne indeed, there is other pain. Some of which I've experienced myself. But no pain permeates every single aspect of one's life like widowhood, other than losing a child.

I don't see anyone being judged on this thread other than OP's BIL.[/quote]
Agreed.
I've been through betrayal, homelessness, other loss.
Nothing comes even halfway close to the absolute agony that is losing your soulmate. It PHYSICALLY hurts. That surprised me.

9 months later? ''Here's my girlfriend kids''

btw, ''This is healing''

{everybody nods}

Meanwhile, over on the lone parent board, there'll be a mother trying to date after maybe 8 years of being alone and she'll be torn apart by married women.

We'd all like a new ''lease of life'' I'm sure as @SweetToffee put it, but when you're 100% responsible for still very young and upset/unsettled children, do you have that freedom?

But as a widower you're just trying to find the light.
If a single parent did this they'd be selfish putting a man before their DC. They'd be told to do the freedom course! A widower dating again nine short months after his wife died, he's trying to find the light. Why don't you bring him a nice lasagne. Poor man.

@Northernparent68 don't be so disgusting

Absolutely @halianne. Even in my worst nightmares I had no idea it could feel like this.

there’s no hierarchy within close family of who should feel what/ do what etc

But there is. Only a widow(er) knows when they feel ready to move on to another romantic relationship. Only a parent has the right to decide when their children should meet said partner. Of course OP has every right to feel however she wants to feel about that and I can absolutely understand why it would be extremely hard for her. But there's a difference between feeling your own feelings and judging someone else's actions.

The pain of widowhood, as all of us who are widowed know, is a pain that is unlike any other, aside from the loss of a child.

It's impossible to describe, and others who think they know anything like that pain, without having experienced it, absolutely do not. It's like an illness, it's overwhelming, completely consuming and penetrates every inch of our lives. There is no respite from it, not a single moment, we can only hope for time to help heal that, which is kinder on some people than it is on others.

So if people don't know what it's like to be widowed, then step back with the judgements of what you think it's like and how people should behave when they seek to escape this pain and try to rebuild their broken lives, and those of the children around them.

Thank you @ilovesooty @butwasitherdriveway @halianne - I appreciate it

@WiseOwlOne sorry if I have misinterpreted. I agree there’s lots of judgement on here and for many people they have been the child, widow, parent etc. I’m just trying to make the point that losses may be different but there’s no hierarchy within close family of who should feel what/ do what etc. Best thing is to try and talk about the feelings to someone neutral as things can get heated just because it is difficult for everyone. It’s fine to feel whatever op feels. If the children aren’t getting help with the bereavement from experts then maybe look at obtaining that

[quote WiseOwlOne]@BungleandGeorge I was certainly was not doing that. It was another poster who said '''unless you've walked in a widow/er's shoes... etc'''' so, making a hierarchy of grief. I did not start this hierarchy. Also, the double standard was on the thread before I started pointing it out.

Somebody has now said that ''presumably the children's grief is less'' (than their father's). I highly doubt that, but widowers must be excused.

This is so depressing.[/quote]
Peach is a widower. Please tresd carefully and actually listen .

My child's grief is significantly less than mine. Partly because it's my job to ensure it is and I'm doing it damn well.

Of course there's a hierarchy of grief. There are exceptions, naturally. But in general, losing a spouse is one of the most life-changing, painful griefs of all.

But regardless, me saying that you should reserve judgement unless you've experienced widowhood was nothing to do with there being a hierarchy of grief. My point was that you shouldn't judge how someone is handling widowhood without having been there yourself. Because it's not like anything you can imagine.

As I said, OP's hurt and anger are completely understandable. But for the sake of her BIL and her sister's children, and her sister herself, it would be better to try and keep that anger from them.

Personally I think the loss of a sibling is underrated by society, it's awful to lose someone who you think always going to be around, you expect your parents to die before you but never a sibling. When I lost my sister I also lost my brother in law and nephew as they have both moved on and don't feel the need to stay in touch anymore.

In general, I would trust that a parent knows their children best and therefore knows how to help them through their grief. Being introduced to a parent's new partner is not inherently damaging. In fact it can be very healing.

Without a doubt.

@BungleandGeorge I was certainly was not doing that. It was another poster who said '''unless you've walked in a widow/er's shoes... etc'''' so, making a hierarchy of grief. I did not start this hierarchy. Also, the double standard was on the thread before I started pointing it out.

Somebody has now said that ''presumably the children's grief is less'' (than their father's). I highly doubt that, but widowers must be excused.

This is so depressing.