Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

All I have to add is that I've been in the exact same situation as you, OP. Sadly, twice. And it really, really hurts. One of the deaths was 11 years ago and it still hurts to see him with the woman he met 4 months later, now married with 2 kids. Eldest kid is nearly 10 years old so you can see how quickly he moved on

I have spent so much time being angry. I feel they never loved them as much as they should as they were 'replaced' so quickly. I've never been able to be at peace with it. It's a truly shitty situation and I've got nothing to add that will help you other than to say I totally get where you are coming from and you're allowed to be hurt.

Give yourself space.

It's not moving on though is it. Not in that way. It's not a divorce. It's forging a new life and trying to find happiness and peace after trauma. I don't love my late husband any less now than I did when he was alive. I've not moved on and left him behind. He's still here in my heart and my memories. I've just been lucky enough to find someone who I love and who loves me and my children. To share being alive with. The heart expands. There is room for both. It's not simply one or the other.

I knew a guy a few years ago now that had a beautiful GF ‘Sam’. He was 30, she was 25. She was killed in an accident so it was absolutely tragic.

I was stunned to find out that he’d moved in another beautiful 25 year old in to his home within a year.

Whilst i can’t say I know the GF that died, I remember seeing the new GF on FB and thinking it must be hard for ‘Sam’s’ parents to see him move on fast. I even gasped and felt sorry for the parents so his only knows what they must have felt like.

I also knew another woman who lost her DH at 40 to cancer and I was again shocked when I seen that within a year she had a pic of her and her new fella.

It’s none of my business of course but I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

Finding a new relationship doesn't mean you forget the past. Or neglect the children's needs. Our house is full of pictures of my late DH /DC's father. And he's talked about daily. It keeps the memory alive. In my new partner my children have however found a friend / an ally, someone whose always got their back, who continues to support them in their grief, who helps them when they're in trouble, who shares the good times and the bad, someone they are free to talk to about whatever they want. Which they do. What they don't have is a replacement dad. Because that's not possible. And it's not what they would want. But he has contributed to building a life raft for them. Particularly in the bad times. And especially when the in-laws turned their back on all of us. And his presence, friendship and support is extremely important to them.

Very sensitive
But agree you shouldn’t fall out with him
And .... look after yourself as you grieve her
So id it’s too painful
Visit less , offer to babysit kids so you can see them without them

It's very soon to have someone staying over with your kids in the house regardless. After 5 months? YANBU.

So these children might be like you or they might be like me. None of us know them other than the OP and she is clearly grieving at the moment and maybe not ready for this even if the children are.

I am so sorry for your loss.

The new lady is not a replacement for your sister. Your brother-in-law will never forget his wife. He will hold her memory dear and always love her. That is how it works with being widowed. You love the departed person and the new one as well. It doesn't mean that he loves your sister any less. I am speaking from experience.

Take it as a compliment to your sister that he is happy to embark on a new relationship. The children still have you and your brother-in-law has a partner to help him through life.

When you have got further through your grief it will be easier to see this.

My mum died when I was 6 and my sibling 8, our parents had been happily married for nearly 20 years when she died.
My dad remarried 6 months later. He couldn’t function alone, he had some confused idea about us needing to have a mum-figure in our lives. He was very much still grieving (and still in 35 years later) but felt for some reason it was the right thing to do.

Step mum didn’t replace our mum, she didn’t try to. She supported us all as we grieved and gave us some sort of normality. She took us to put flowers out on our mums grave etc.

My mums family were shocked but they didn’t get angry with dad. They accepted step mum and came to the wedding. They wanted to remain close to us as a family despite not really thinking it was the greatest idea.

It wasn’t a very long marriage really, a few years. Dad knows it was a decision made when overwhelmed with grief and trying to do what he thought was right. But it really didn’t do us any harm and I think it really helped us all through some very difficult years.

It sounds very difficult. I would go to your GP and ask for counselling for your grief. It is so hard to lose a sibling, I can hardly imagine.

I'm going to tell you my story because although I can see exactly why you're so hurt and so worried, I don't think what you describe is that unusual.

DH died suddenly but was very ill for some time. I had terrible intense crushes on other men from a few days after he died. I was just about sane enough to know it was all part of grief, and also partly the difficulty of his long slow deterioration over years which did affect our relationship. The crushes were so awful that I moved on to look for casual hookups from about 9 months after dh died. I tried to keep it all reasonably apart from ds - they didn't come to the house etc. I have no way of knowing at the moment whether I managed this in a good way. That phase was forcibly ended by lockdown, and recently I'm seeing someone more normally.

Try and be compassionate; if you can't, you don't have to see a lot of your BIL. But try not to close doors. Things change, time does heal. The woman he's with might be a good person, the children might find some positives having her in their lives. There aren't strict rules about these things.

@Blondeshavemorefun 100%. My dad died 16 months ago and his wife moved on what some people would say quickly, I was nothing more than happy for her.
It must’ve been scary to be alone and dealing with all the grief, I’m glad someone has helped take that away from her.

@Willyoujustbequiet their dad moving on doesn’t change anything about their relationship and grieving process with their mother.
He has a girlfriend, not a mum replacement.

Oh they so do!!!

Till you have been in they position when you partner/spouse dies

You just don’t know how will react

Life is too short. Tomorrow doesn’t always come

So if you are lucky enough to meet someone then embrace it

I agree with you willyoujustbequiet but sadly it seems we are in a minority.

You can keep your sisters memory alive without deflecting it off his new partner. Nobody will ever replace your sister.

You are being unreasonable. There’s no correct time frame for moving on, we often meet people in situations we are not looking to.
Be happy he is moving on. It doesn’t change the past or make the past mean anything less.

Are you a widow Willyoujustbequiet

It’s also downright rude to the people who’ve shared their experiences to suggest that anyone has.

Well at least she hasn't moved in and the children have time to get to know her.

The loss of a mother at a young age is not something you recover from in a few months no matter how keen some posters are to justify it.

Not one single person had said or suggested that.

It's not a sweeping judgement. Having had more than my fair share of grief both as a child and adult as well as copious amounts of grief counselling and having experienced this first hand I am better placed than the majority of posters it would sadly appear. It is selfish to not consider the needs of the children first. The loss of a mother at a young age is not something you recover from in a few months no matter how keen some posters are to justify it.

The new girlfriend is an ex probably for good reason. It seems like she is the one calling the shots here. You BIL is probably drowning in grief and very vulnerable. I’m so sorry OP I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. It sounds like your sister was a wonderful person 💔

Time is a number

I met my new partner 9mths after dh died

Some found it hard. ESP his friends

Others happy for me as dp now df made me happy and dh broke my heart killing his self

Diff I didn’t have kids

You have to think of them

Not saying never meet anyone or let them stay but 5mths after seems soon if kids to consider

Hard to have same name as well

A friend whose dp died, , met another man with same name. I do find it weird. ESP as an unusual name for our age groups

He's not acting in the dc best interests. The poor kids are grieving, confused and probably don't know if they are coming or going. Introducing another woman at this time is incredibly selfish.

Unless you know the people involved, it's all in your imagination. You don't know if he's acting in the DC's best interests. You don't know whether the DC are confused. You don't know if he has been selfish or not introducing his new partner.

The bottom line is that you and others like you on here Do Not Know.

The OP’s nieces and nephews are young, the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 11.