Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

The loneliness when you lose a partner is crushing.
Someone else said about men trying to re-create that happiness, it's very true.
I had a new partner in under a year. It was a rebound, and I was treated appallingly by one or two friends, but I needed it.

I’m sure it feels like losing your sister again. I’m sure it cements the reality of gone forever and life moving on. It must feel like her children will be a step further away from you. That’s hard.

It’s also good for them to have a happy father, who is forward looking, who seeks joy after profound sadness. Grief can eat people up and destroy families. Happiness is better and his new relationship won’t damage the memory of your sister.

Don’t compare - it is the thief of joy. Get to know her as a person not a replacement. Look for the good bits, there will be some if the man who loved your sister also loves her.

And as it's only been 9 months, id wonder how soon he was looking

Oh don't stoke OP's pain.

OP can you try to grieve your lovely sister and keep an eye on her "ducklings" by mentally blocking out this new relationship.

Pubs and restaurants will be opening soon so you could offer to babysit whilst BiL and his gf go out and just relish being with your sister's children.

Your sisters children sound like they are very young from your description of them as ducklings. I can understand your worry that they will forget their mum. Also the children have no say in the matter. I think I would try and get to know the woman. Some of the bull in a China shop type characters can be quite nurturing and kind underneath.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I would feel the same. I think it would be too soon to introduce a new partner if your sister and BIL had just split up but with the circumstances, it is even worse. I think the children need time with their dad, just them, to find a new way to be ok. I think your BIL should be focusing on his children and himself, not a new relationship. I wouldn’t want to be the new partner in this scenario either. I would want the other person to take time to grieve properly.

You can’t control what BIL does though. Try to be there as much as your can for your nieces and nephews. I think they will appreciate you being a link to their lovely mum now and in the future. And take care of yourself too. I hope you have some good support around. Again, I am very sorry for your loss.

Men seem to move on so quickly after a partner's death. 9 months is far too quick to introduce a new woman to replace their mum. What a prick

@TeapotCollection omg how to make you feel like your mum was a battery, so replaceable 😥😥

In terms of being there for your sister's dc, falling out with your bil would be a very bad idea. This will involve quite a lot of tongue biting, but it is for the best. She may not be around for long, but an argument could stay longer.

We have experience of this in our wider family. In our case it was a very sudden and unexpected death.
The SIL moved on very quickly and had a boyfriend within months. It was very hard for the family to process but the kids seemed to accept it.
For the sake of harmony and keeping access, the family all kept schtum and didn't say a word. It's just as well as they're together years later and the family also have a good relationship with the kids.
I don't blame you one bit for finding it hard though

I think is incredibly naive to agree to meet the DC as well. I dated a bit before i totally gave up but who would insouciantly agree to meeting children who lost their Mum 9 months ago. Is there no adult between the two of them?

It does seem a bit soon but he hasn't moved her in and you don't know that it will last, rebound relationships often don't. However he must have been so devastated and lonely after losing your sister, nobody can blame him for seeking some comfort.

I presume the children are not 'small' and are living their own lives (correct me if i'm wrong). If they accept her that is what matters. They will never forget their mother, honestly, and the fact that the new lady is different to their mum is a good thing. Her name being the same is not important. Remember, life goes on.

Please accept her and the relationship, you don't have to be bosom buddies overnight, you are still grieving for your sister.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Agree WiseOwlOne

💐 for you OP, I understand how hard this is. My Dad got someone else 4 fucking weeks after we lost Mum. They’d been married 50 years

*mourning

One of my best school friends died tragically from an aggressive cancer a few years ago. We were still in our late 20s, it was horrendous and shocking. Her husband moved on publicly about 9 months later, although I understand probably sooner in private. At first I was appalled, but then I realised it wasn’t actually my business and I didn’t hold the definition of ‘appropriate’ morning time. They are still together and to all appearances a very happy and strong blended family unit.

This is your sister, so obviously you do feel it is your business, but there isn’t a lot you can do. You would probably always feel it was too soon, and probably always struggle to adapt to someone seemingly stepping into your sister’s shoes. It’s not possible, she can’t. People will always remember who came first. But if she’s willing to take on the kids and nurture them that would be my main concern.

And as it's only been 9 months, id wonder how soon he was looking
He has not only found somebody but found her long enough ago to invite her to sleep over.

I couldnt cope with this scenario without crying either @germinal

That doesnt help you but I think being very upset is the predictable, logical, rational response to what's happening. Xxx

That must be so hard. A woman would be pasted on mn for moving so quickly.

I promise you, with you around your sister will never be forgotten.

We have a close friend who was widowed and left with two young children. He had nursed and supported his wife but when she dies he was desperately lonely. Within two years he had met and married another woman and they are very happy. Several people dropped him as they didn’t like the fact that he had actively sought a new relationship. We stuck with him and are glad we did. One of the things I said at the time was ‘if the children are happy and accepting her, why should we quibble with his choice?’. Unfortunately life goes on and life is for living. Time passes very quickly. Why not try to be pleased for him and try to accept the new woman in his life. It doesn’t mean he has stopped loving your sister, but that she taught him how to be a good parent and partner.

I do think that’s too fast to move on, more for the children’s sake. The same name must be like a dagger, how unfortunate.

And i’m so sorry for your loss, it’s never easy to lose someone but this year has been a dreadful time to be mourning, with so little support I am sure that you will maintain a close relationship with your nieces and nephews and they’ll cherish that link with their mum.

I think I'd be concerned for the new girlfriend. I can't imagine being with a man who had lost his wife less than a year ago and had grieving children. What a situation to come into. Perhaps you might find, in time, she is just what they all need. But I totally understand that doesn't stop how you feel and I reckon I'd feel the same.

Perhaps she isn't opposite to your sister in some ways. But they may be ways that only a man and a woman in an intimate relationship may know. You new your sister as a sister. It must be made even more difficultbecause she shares your sister's name. Is there a shortened form you could use or even an initial, for example, Bee, Dee?
Sending you healing thoughts. I hope your pain eases soon.