Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

OP,
I cannot imagine the grief and pain you are feeling. Unbearable.

I would indeed try to keep your emotions to yourself even though it will be very hard.
By saying nothing you can stay close to the children and keep her memory alive.

As @SciFiScream wisely suggests, I would gather a large box of her stuff to keep at your home so that the children can feel very comfortable pulling it out and talking about her and asking questions.
Buying a journal and writing about her, her likes and dislikes, funny stories, anything that comes to mind now, will be lovely for them to have.

I wish you strength.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, Germinal. I am mourning a close relative who died this year, and I feel for you.

On reading your first post I was going to gently encourage you not to see this as a slight to your sister. But it sounds as if this woman wanted BIL from way back, and has seized the chance to take over while he is vulnerable. That’s unfortunate.

The DC need you as a loving supportive constant in their lives, and I’m certain it’s what your sister wanted too. So I hope you can keep your feelings about the other woman hidden, though I understand how hard that must be. The important priority is to be there for the children.

I hope the relationship you’re building with the children will be a comfort to you and them.

I haven't voted, OP, because in one way you are totally justified in your anger and pain, and in another he has to be allowed to grieve his way and get on with his life because the kids rely on him totally now.

I think the raw pain of your sister's loss is now having salt rubbed in the wound with this woman.

But you don't know how established she will be, or how long she will last. It's very rebound for your brother in law. I'd be super fucked off with him too, though.

I think it's because he's brought her so quickly into the home.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry - just putting myself for a moment in your position makes me want to go and get the kids and bring them to you and let him get on with whatever he's doing with this such different person.

Maybe you should actually have the kids with you as much as you can. Forget about him and whatever he's doing to get through. Just make your focus having some lovely times with them. Hug them. See her in them. She's alive in them. Without being in any way emotionally heavy-handed with them (you have to be very careful about this, because you're full of emotion and love), just have the best time with them.

And then he'll have time to do what he wants/needs to do.

Be forgiving, too. He needs to get through this. He needs to work this out for himself. And be the best parent he can be.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be devastating.

However, you have no idea how difficult it probably has been for your BIL, in lockdown, grieving and taking care of grieving DC all by himself. As much as I understand it must be a tough pill to swallow for you, try to understand his point of view and try not to judge. My uncle lost his wife, the sister of my DM over 10 years ago and last year was the first time he had a new girlfriend. We were all so happy for him, including my DGM, the mother of his late wife. He waited a long time but sometimes people meet someone much sooner. It happens.

But what about the children's timeframe?

Everyone deals with death and their own grief in their own way. There's no correct timeframe as hard as it must be for you.

The judgement on single parents (mothers) if they try to date 18 months after a break up but people are saying people who haven't been widowed have high expectations on widows! So in this scenario it's all about the adult but in the case of a single parent, it's all about the children. There are double standards on MN, for sure!

I think that some people just can't be alone! Its like when a relationship ends, some people move on straight away because they can't cope with being alone. It's not a reflection of his relationship with your sister, its a reflection of his relationship with himself. He's delaying the grief and distracting himself.

It's not just so recent for the OP. There are 4 small children who's mother hasn't even been dead a year. Less than 6 months and another woman is inserted into their home.

I actually don't think that's OK just because their father is lonely.

I would have absolutely no respect for him and think he was such a weak person. There is no way his children have been given the space and time to accept the reality of the loss of their mother. But sure no worries once a grown man isn't lonely or you know has to manage four children on his own.

I would however ensure that he and his new partner who equally I would very little respect for couldnt push our family out.

So I would judge and rage in private with a good counsellor. Comment absolutely nothing about them/their life together either to them or your nieces/nephews. Or to people you all know. If people are gossiping and passing comment to you. Have stock responses that don't give away your real feelings on the subject.

Focus on keeping and building your own relationships with them. Be a source of constant in their life, a connection to their mam and fun. There is some great ideas of ways given to help remember your sister with them.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think, very gently, that if he was with a carbon copy of your sister that would hurt even more. It's good that she's different.

Doesn't mean that you have to like everything that she does, of course. But it's better.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I can see why your angry (I would be too) but I’m so glad your not going to fall out over this. You can maybe speak to him about getting his GF to step back a bit? I think it was completely insensitive of them both to just suddenly put this on everyone and especially the kids. It seems she waiting for her moment and swept in. By the sounds of it, it really won’t last. If it didn’t work before then I doubt it will now. Sounds like he is using it to fill a void. He should have kept their relationship away from you and the kids. I’m sorry op

how long is long enough

Well I do think moving on months after your spouses death is ridiculous, I’m sorry.

My dad met another woman at my mums funeral and I stand by thinking that is too soon. If nothing else it is awful for the children.

Blink... obviously

@germinal you are definitely not being unreasonable. I went through the exact same thing with my sister's wife. She moved on less than 5 months after my sister died and while I am fairly certain this was something they discussed (SIL was only 40 and couldn't be expected to be alone forever) it still hurt all of us. What was worse is that she ghosted our family completely and treated my parents terribly. Nearly 5 years down the line and we hardly speak. They didn't have children so that side of it wasn't an issue but I think the best you can do is carry on being the best Auntie for her children. Much love, I know how much it hurts xx

It isn’t really that though, sillyducks

Moving another woman in with that amount of rapidity does seem to suggest to me that it’s the relationship rather than the individual that he loved. And there is something sad about that.

I would never begrudge anyone finding happiness after a loss but I would feel the seem as the op with regards to the children.
It took me 5 months to introduce dp to my daughter and that was just after a relationship breakdown. If the children become attached to this woman and then it doesn't work out then that's more upset and confusion that they don't need. Especially for the littlest one.
I think grief is clouding your bils judgement

However, his girlfriend posting pictures of him and her on facebook is a bit insensitive though you don't have to be 'friends' with her and see them. She is probably happy and wants to share with her friends and family.

Moving her in or him moving in with her at this stage is far too soon for many reasons. There isn't anything you can do if he does but it wouldn't hurt, if you are close to him, to advise caution. He can still see her, just wait a bit longer before making a commitment.

There are more acceptable times to introduce a new partner to your young grieving children though.

It's OK to judge that.

It is traumatic for children to lose a parent. You do not add to that by bringing home a new girlfriend.

Normally on MN, anyone that introduces a new partner to their children in under a year is slated.

I think, in these circumstances, it's even worse to do so.

Have a new relationship if it helps you but keep the children out of it for the moment

OP, I was a child in a very similar scenario. Even down to the name. I love my step parent to bits but they have never taken on my parents role. The name thing has never bothered me as I never 'knew' my parent by that name. Time also runs differently for kids so it didn't feel quick.

I get it hurts but I watched my living parent lose friends and have difficulties with family over it. As a child I hated that we had already been through hell, why did these people have to make life hard for us. So by all means have these feelings but don't share it with the family (or gossip about them) or let it stop you being part of their lives. The best way to keep your DSis alive for them is to be an active part in their lives and you do that by being welcoming to the new partner and dealing with your own grief separately. She isn't and never will be your sisters replacement, but she can bring a different joy to the family.

Unfortunately I hardly ever see my cousins and have zero relationship with my aunt/uncle because ultimately they couldn't manage their feelings. It made a sad situation sadder.

In fact take a note of all her favourites and dislikes. Someone mentioned about a favourite colour above. I don't know what my Mum's favourite colour was.

The only thing my Dad was ever able to tell us was how much she loved us. If he ever spoke about her "oh she loved you and your sibling so much SciFi". That didn't mean anything until I had my own DC and then I knew.

Her DH moving on and keeping her memory alive are 2 different things. You can do something about the latter.