Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you. But your sister was ill for a long time, your BIL will have been grieving for a lot longer than the time since she died.
9 months might not seem long to you, but it will seem like a long time to him and the children. To be honest I think it would have hurt you to see him with someone else no matter how long it had been.
When a friend of mine was dying, she was emphatic that her DH should actively look for someone, she didn't want him to be on his own. Maybe your sister had a similar conversation with your BIL.
I hope you find a way to support your BIL in this new relationship, whilst I am sure you will find it painful x

@germinal

I am soooo sorry for your loss. That must have been so hard. I may be wrong, but it seems like he has moved on way too fast. New woman, same name, already letting her stay over a lot. Very odd. Won't be long before she moves in, and it seems HUGELY unfair on the children. Seems like your BIL has replaced your sister as quick as he could.

Some people just simply CANNOT live without being in a relationship. I know some women who have this 'any man is better than no man' attitude, and some men also, who can't function without having a woman in their life, and in their house.

I know a woman (now 53,) who was with a man from the age of 30, and they were like soulmates; did everything together, no kids, lots of cats, 2 dogs, a bit of travelling, camping trips, very happy-hippy types.

He died of cancer (just 5 months after being diagnosed,) in 2017, and she wept uncontrollably for 5 days straight, and sobbed at his graveside at the funeral, and posted a pic on facebook 2 weeks after is death, with her holding a 4 ft x 6 ft blown pic of him over her head, with her crying, and 'R.I.P. my angel' as the tagline on the post.

Six months later, she had another man. Pics of them loved up, and going on day trips together, camping, and cuddling by the campfire, and pics on facebook saying #loveisgrand and similar things. Every one of the 200+ pics of her deceased husband, (and pics of him and her) was GONE from facebook, except one, within 5-6 weeks of the new man coming on the scene.

As I said, 6 months her husband had been dead before she started seeing this new man. And she moved on with someone who was the same as him in every way. He seemed HUGELY like a replacement. Not sure what her new man thought, about him being a carbon copy of her husband of 20 years, but everyone thought it was a bit odd.

Yeah it's her business, (before anyone says,) but people are still allowed to have an opinion on it.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I will say that I would have judged this negatively, until a friend of mine died and I observed her husband (and kids) afterwards. They were broken and him moving on with a new woman enriched both his and their lives. It was lovely to watch them all become so much happier after so much tragedy.

But this is right for him and the kids
How can you possibly know that this is what's right for the small, recently bereaved, children? If the relationship is short lived, how are they going to feel then?

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but, said very kindly, your BIL's new relationship isn't about you.

My dad did the same as yours. Totally different and understandable.

I totally get that this is hard... You feel like your DS will be forgotten, you worry about the kids...

But I agree with first poster.. There has been studies that show that men that have good successful marriages and loose their wife due to a critical illness are far more likely to settle into another long term relationship quite quickly... They actively crave and look for that successful relationship that made them happy.

Perhaps she is different to your DS because her being too similar would be hard for him...

Ah I'm so sorry, OP. That must be tough.

You know what, maybe he can't be with someone who's more like your sister because it would keep serving painful reminders (or perhaps even invite comparisons).

Someone totally different from her might mean he feels less like he's dancing on your sister's grave.

When my dad moved on after my mum died, he explained that his new lady wasn't ever a replacement for my mum - he would always love her first and foremost - but a bonus. This was quite late in life (70s). She was lovely and quite different. Quite possibly your BIL feels the same.

I don't understand why you are crying about this. Some people meet another partner after a wife or Husbands death, there is no time limit for this to happen.. There is no disrespect for the person who has passed away at all. People are all different, and have to find their own ways to go after being bereaved.

He was bound to meet someone after your sister OP. No one would want someone to be single and lonely forever. I think it’s also a good thing that she’s completely opposite so she won’t be in the sisters shadow constantly. I don’t agree with her meeting the kids though that’s way way too soon. A year down the line maybe but 5 months no chance.

Only time will tell what happens. You can still do your sisters wishes of keeping her memory alive.

That must be very hard. I would be concerned that he has introduced this lady into his grieving childrens lives so soon after her death. That is selfish and thoughtless and they must be very confused. He certainly isnt putting there needs first. Sounds like he wanted another woman to take over 'mummy' duties if he is already allowing her to parade round town with them in tow and allowing her to share photos on social media.

The issue is not that he is ready to move on, it's that by going public with his new relationship he's forcing others affected by the death to move on before they're ready.

We should all acknowledge that everyone grieves at their own speed and allow them the space to do so but, when a widower (or widow) moves on sooner, they feel happy with the new person and want to share that happiness with their close friends and family. I think they just lack the awareness to appreciate that they need to give those people a little more time. I think there is a lot to be said for having an etiquette to follow in such situations, and it would actually save the wider family a lot of pain if there was an official mourning period - a year is reasonable - before introducing a new partner to the family.

I'm not saying that the widower (or widow) should be prevented by convention from developing a new relationship before a year is up, completely the opposite, just that there needs to be an acknowledgement that it is not all about them, particularly true if there are children affected, whatever their age. Adult children also need space and time to grieve the loss of a parent.

But YANBU - you are still grieving and it isn't long since your DS died. Of course you are upset - but he is probably very lonely without another adult to share his life.

He may one day find a new wife (this lady or another) though he will not replace the woman he loved and lost, and nor your nieces and nephews, but you will NEVER get another sister. There is a huge difference.

So sorry for your loss OP

As an edit to my above post, I am sorry for your loss.

Make sure the kids know they can talk about their mum with you, but don’t force it. Don’t bring her up every visit. Don’t express distaste at their fathers choice.

My mother’s best friend did this for years. It became extremely uncomfortable to visit with her. She unwittingly made me feel disloyal to my mother by not hating my stepmother or siblings.
I pulled away from that relationship. It wasn’t healthy for me, to always be made to feel lacking.

I choose to believe my mother would be thrilled my stepmother was so good to me and I had more siblings to make my life more full.

Tbh I am always surprised at how fast people move on. I think personally out of respect for family people should wait at least a year before getting a new partner. But that’s my personal belief and I’m sure lots of people will disagree with me.

Good points from others about not distancing yourself. Unfortunate the situation you are in is what it is. It may change your view of your BIL but you can’t show you’re upset. I empathise, being in your position would be awful

I was 17 when my partner died, we had a newborn and lived with his family due to his illness. We had all the plans set for if he would die and I was struggling his parents would adopt. Yet, when I left people judged, not his family but mine. In the space of 6 months I lost everyone because people judged everything I did.

I was 26 when me and my partner broke up, after years of being in a dysfunctional relationship. Similarly to OPs BIL a flame from the past showed up and we started dating. People judge and say he was praying on the vulnerable, when for years we’d been asking each other what if. Yet everyone was surprised when me and ex split up because they didn’t know.

Like I said, no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

I would feel exactly the same.

It's far too soon.

The children must be so conflicted.

It think trying to integrate her so soon into our lives is too much too soon.

He's not trying to integrate her into your life. He's integrating her into his life. I can tell you were close to your sister and clearly miss her but this is his decision to make. If you want to stay in the livves of your nieces and nephews then you need to support him in whatever he does, whether you like it or not.

My father married a year after my mother died. My much loved aunt could not accept it and stepped back from our lives.

When she realized that we loved our stepmother and the siblings that resulted, she cut us off.

Don’t be like her. Shes lost out on so much. I’ve tried to reconnect, but she’s so bitter and refuses to accept life as it now is.

My mother remarried 10 months after my father died. He didn't replace my father but she was happier so it was what it was. The damaging thing for us kids was my father's family cutting us off. My father would never in a million years have done that to any of his nephews and nieces.

It might be hard but you are an adult and you and your family need to be there for the children. They have lost enough, to lose half their family would be awful so please try to hide your feelings and make sure your sister's children are OK.

You feel what you feel, there is no right or wrong for you anymore than there is for him. Sorry my view is a bit one sided but it still hurts me over 50 years later.

After my husband died, my dc would found it really upsetting and uncomfortable if I'd had a new man staying over so soon. No way would I have done that to them