Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

Just reading this message now. Would be interested to know how things are now? My brother in law started having sleepovers with my sisters friend within months of her dying. Lying to his kids and us for months. I loved him more than some of my own family but that has changed to hatred now. He was not only disrespectful my sister and all of her family but he chose this woman who has a long history of destroying families. He says no one will control him and has turned into a selfish Dad that continuously puts himself and this woman ahead of his children. I have such anger towards him now but thankfully still have a great relationship with my nieces and nephew.

Hi, I totally get how you were feeling as I have just lost my sister in May and I have just found out that my brother in law started a new relationship with her best friend 2 weeks after her funeral. He removed all her photos and clothes straight away and I now feeling so angry, upset and worried for his 10 and 14 year old children. My head is a mess as I get that he is lonely but that quick - really!! Seems like a disgrace to her memory.

As someone who lost their partner 6 years ago in tragic circumstances, I too moved on very quickly. It didn't last and I think I was in desperate shock and looking for an anchor.

It never, ever took anything away from my love and grief for my deceased partner, although I was judged.

I am eternally grateful to the people who didn't judge me and who tried to understand me and support me.

I would say to anyone, until you have been there yourself you have no idea how you would act in the same circumstances, be kind, be accepting and be supportive to him and the kids. It will work itself through, in time.

I understand your anger. It is far too soon to be fair to the children. Probably not your place to say anything, though. Just be there for them.

Not offended here, perfectly valid feelings and understandable.

I will add that my new relationship, he didn't meet my son until around a year after we got together and it was at my sons request. Its a long distance relationship we see each other every other weekend, because I work alternate weekends and also because although my sons are now 22 and 19 I wouldn't feel comfortable doing more than that at the moment as ut takes me away from them. One of my sons still has issues, anxiety that something is going to happen to me which obviously goes back to witnessing his fathers death. Its a long road but I'm taking it slowly.

Hugs and sorry for your loss to all on this thread x

I’ve just lost my brother and believe me op.
The love those children have for their mother will never be erased, they’ll forever wonder what she was like and want to make her proud.
It doesn’t matter what this new women is like, she’s got shoes to fill not the other way around. Those kids will never replace your sister.

My mil was widowed in her early 30s with 3 children under 10 she had remarried to my fil within 8 months and my husband was born 9 months later. They remained married for over 40 years until he died. The 3 older children had their issues over the years with my fil but he was always there for them and from my outsider view he treated them all the same as my husband his son. All 3 kept their original surname and contact with the family
And as a bonus my husband could never understand why he had 6 grandparents when everyone else only had four!

The day DS asked if he could call me Mum was one of my proudest days. I was very conflicted as I have very strong opinions about people letting or making their children call their new partners mum or dad. His grandmother had me in tears after telling me that her DD loved being DS’s Mummy and not being around for him was her biggest struggle when she was dying, and that she was very sure her DD would be very happy that he now had a Mum to love and protect him.

I’ve not replaced DS’s Mummy, I have a different role because I’m a different person. He’s not replacing your sister. If he could still have her in his life I bet you any money he would, but he can’t.

Your BIL is going to do things you don’t agree with. He’s even going to get things wrong sometimes, but (since there doesn’t seem to be a massive backstory about him being a neglectful father previously) try and remember that he loves his children and he’ll be trying his best.

@germinal you seem to be thinking the absolute worse of the situation. By the sounds of it the relationship is still pretty new and considering we've spent the last year mostly in lockdown it's possible the GF has met the children ahead of schedule (she's also an ex so probably knows her well so it's not an entirely new person to him) but isn't being put in a position where she's caring for them like a step mother, it seems far too early for that.

It's a little concerning that you think they're trying to erase their mother. Why do you think this? Would it make a difference if the new GF was similar in personality to your sister? It does come across a little as though you're just judging them based on what you know of their personality rather than their actions (with lockdown how much have you witnessed that's caused concern?).

Clearly your sister saw something in your BIL that made her want to have 4 children with him, try and trust her judgement with regards to him. If his new GF's personality is similar to his (and she liked him) than try and give them a chance. He will want what's best for those children but he's also grieving and may not always make decisions at the right time and covid is also complicating things. I really do hope you've found this thread helpful and you can find some peace of mind regarding this issue.

It is different. Losing a sibling is someone you have had in your life since the start, all your childhood will be tied up in them. Losing a parent - horrendous too. You won't have known a spouse for as long but will have been with them every day and the intensity of the relationship might be greater.
There really is no point making a hierarchy of grief, it never end well.
I think a new girlfriend who was very similar to his first wife would actually be harder in many ways.

I think I loved my sister more than my bil. I think I miss her more.

YABU with that comment, you can’t possibly know how much he loves and misses her. He loved her in a completely different way that you do. If my ex’s sister said that to me after he died I would have been horrified. Maybe the reason he has moved on so fast is because he’s so consumed by grief he can’t possibly bare to be alone. My new DP is the opposite to him in every single way. I wouldn’t have chosen a similar partner. Just seeing people who remind me of him looks wise/meeting people with such similar interests still hurts sometimes.

If he partners with someone like himself, how will my sisters legacy endure?

The kids are so little. Their mothers influence is only as strong as the reinforcement?? They won’t remember her. And this new gf will mould them into her???

I’m very different to my DH’s first wife.

DS knows who she was, what she was like and her thoughts and beliefs because DH told him. And her mum. And her sister. And her friends.

Now there is no doubts over the years he’s picked up things from me, but they are as well as the things he’s picked up from other people about his mum. Not instead of.

@germinal You are absolutely entitled to your pain and anger and expressing it here is perfectly acceptable. I think those of us on the thread who are widows are both trying to illustrate another pov for you as it may be helpful, and defend ourselves from the judgements of other posters on the thread. I can only speak for myself but I am not offended by your own feelings because you are also grieving.

If someone else told me that my late DH's sister loved him more than I did I would be incredibly offended and disgusted. If his sister herself said it I would be saddened that she felt that way and I would disagree completely but I would also understand that her own grief is overwhelming and causing her to think illogically. There's a big difference between a fellow griever expressing their own pain and a stranger with no experience passing judgement.

Sending you .

Bless uou @germinal 💐

You have said sorry several time to acknowledge widows feelings

Obv you miss and love your sister

A sibling love is different to the love of being in a relationship / to have that person in your life daily , living and sharing dreams with them to then nothing

I think counselling wouid be good for you. Anyone who has lost a loved one should

I would feel exactly like the op has described her sister would about my dh if he choose to behave like this months after my death. I wouldn't expect him to stay single forever but I would expect him to give our children more time and space than 16 weeks before he was taking time away from them to be getting involved in another relationship.

If there was a heaven I would be utterly disgusted and disappointed looking at him that he would drag our children into a new relationship 4 months after I died.

So my sisters would be very much right if it was them that posting on this forum with this senario and how I would feel. Maybe just maybe the OP knew her sister better than posters here lecturing her.

Everyone here saying he will love her forever and the op has no idea. No actually it's everyone else that has no idea that he will or that he will raise their children in a space and view that allows them time and support to remember their mother. It's people's assumptions he will. For as many people who have experienced it that way there are many other people who haven't.
Parents get into relationships all the time with out adequately considering the needs of their children. Just because the OP BIL is widowed rather than divorced or separated doesn't mean he isn't capable of making that mistake.

So actually the OP concerns are valid and she shouldn't be guilted into pretending they aren't because it was her sister rather than her partner that died.

We lost our son in pregnancy 4 months ago watching how our children are dealing with the grief from that along with the fact our two oldest come from seperated families I don't believe for a second any of them would be ready to see dh or I in a new relationship so soon after the death of either of us. No matter how lonely either of us would be. Or that it would be in their best interests.

Give it a rest

@germinal but you do have a preferred time scale we should find that love and happiness in, as do many others on this thread.

And you will believe that we didn't love our spouses as much as their relatives did if we don't adhere to your arbitrary time schedule.

Nice.

All the best op. I hope you manage to find some peace. ♥️