Absent father

I have an ex that fathered a child while in a relationship with me! We are no longer together yet he has absolutely nothing to do with this child bar paying cm. He told the childs mother it's because he wants me back ( no chance) and hes told everyone else that he has no bond with the child ( hes seen him maybe 15-20 times and the child is 2) and resents the fact that the child exists. He says the mother point blank refused to terminate but will not accept any blame for not using a condom! He also says that he finds the mother an embarrassment. My mind boggles at the thought process that helps him reach these conclusions!

@SmokedDuck great comments. Don’t suppose you have the link to that article please?

It’s also that they know the mums WILL look after their kids because we do care. Would I have left an infant in a buggy in the street unattended? Never? Or home alone? No. They waltz off because they know we won’t abandon our kids. Maybe in the old days men had more of an idea of being a breadwinner. My own father took great care to make sure his own family were well provided for. Modern men seem to relish the idea that because women rightly have more chances to work then dads don’t have to do anything for their own kids.

I think that really is what the op is asking. It's not hard to see why a dad who became one by accident, was only in a casual relationship or fucked off before it ws born is able physically, financially and emotionally to be uninvolved. Much much harder to justify it in previously stable and established relationships. However, I am a bit perplexed by this idea of 'bonding' being a magical thing that a lack of can lead to abandonment. I suppose you might argue that pregnancy and birth establishes a bond so women are less likely to run off. It's certainly true that my ex was not emotionally invested in my bump, though he was far more sentimental than me once dcs were here. I think we need to take amateur psychology out of the picture and assume that it is simple, ugly selfishness and that sadly boys / men from a young age seem to (generalising here) have less empathy and 'people pleasing' skills than girls. That may be a positive thing in many ways. Less likely to be doormats, passed over for promotion etc but when it comes to parenting, subsuming your own preferences and wants is pretty necessary and I think women are largely still conditioned to do that, and so accept the limitations of parenting more easily.

I wonder if man are much more simple creatures than we give them credit for.
I'm a single mother to two boys. Their father pays the minimum, has money to save, while we live in a kind of poverty. He feels certain that he is a great dad, photos on social media with the kids etc. He said if I tried to get money from our divorce that he didn't want me to rightly have, he wouldn't see the children any more. To punish me. Other posters up thread said similar, that the mother and children are one unit in their simple minds.

I found out a few years ago that my dad was married before he met my mum, and had a child. Him and his wife split when child was 18m old, and my dad hasn’t seen or bothered with him at all. Apparently it was a mutual decision for my dad to not be involved and leave his ex wife and child to get on with their lives... this was the late 70’s

(not sure how much of that BS I believe quite honestly, no, my mum was not the OW - he met her years later, and yes, I lost a lot of respect for my dad that day. Yes, I hope to find my half brother and meet him one day!)

Like a PP has said about that time period - my aunties husband raised his three kids alone after his wife walked out. I have vivid memories of my mum and aunty (they are sisters) slagging this woman off to high heaven many a time. Yet my mum married a man who abandoned his own son

As someone else has said upthread, it’s far easier to not parent, than it is to parent.

My exdh did this. Happy marriage for many years and when our eldest was 8 he just upped and left. Has been totally absent. Claims to love them but didn't even know which school they went to. His family condone his actions.

They are selfish, immoral twats. There should be consequences for the emotional damage they inflict on children.

I find it even more bizarre when the man has had a previously good relationship with his children. Friends of mine divorced, until then he was a hands on dad, spent a lot of time with his then 12yr old son and to all intents and purposes enjoyed being a father.

He left when his son was 12 (he's now 25) and hasn't seen him since. Even more hurtful for his son is that he's very hands on with his new wife's (also now grown up) children/grandchildren.

My parents were very happy together, they were each other's world. My dad died suddenly and I remember being so worried about my dm coping, I was 30 and married. My df used to give my dm his wage packet every Friday and they would work out the bills and share what they had. As dcs what we needed was prioritised.

So I get absolutely steaming mad when I see these men go off without a backward glance or thought of what their dcs need. The dcs need to have a proper home so men should be providing towards those costs.

As a mum of boys who's father fucked off, I agree with Uhtred . You shouldn't punish them for the sins of their father :(

Mind you their Dad was the 1st to fuck off. His dad stuck around, but only because he was too lazy to leave. He was an abusive cunt though. His Grandad OTOH was mostly lovely.

I imagine most absentee fathers appeared to be something other than future absentee fathers at the point of conception.

Yeah and I’ll bet plenty of them had generation after generation of being raised by their father (my own ex included) so it’s stupid policy.

Oh no sorry, one of the men isn’t raising his children himself. He was killed by a drunk driver whilst taking them and his wife for ice cream on a Sunday afternoon. I’m sure we can forgive him for that though.

How about let your daughters assess their potential partners based on themselves and how they treat her rather than where grandad lived when daddy was a boy?

I imagine most absentee fathers appeared to be something other than future absentee fathers at the point of conception.

I know quite a lot of men who were raised without their fathers in their lives. Some in my family and some the brothers of friends or acquaintances. Without fail every single one of those men have married and had children that they have raised or are still raising in their home with their wives.

[quote VinylDetective]@UhtredRagnarson, I think I know what I was responding to! I wouldn’t want my daughter having children with someone with a background of three generations of fathers that fucked off. Would you?[/quote]
So three generations = no date.

What about 2? Date?

What if granda fucked off but dad stuck around?

How about let your daughters assess their potential partners based on themselves and how they treat her rather than where grandad lived when daddy was a boy?

Because it’s socially acceptable and there are no legal or financial repercussions. And sadly plenty of women apparently have no issue having a relationship with men who have kids they never or hardly ever see.

VinylDetective let's be tactful though, these are real people's sons we're talking about.

Totally agree about the USA thing. Maybe a consequence of their lack of state support? Whatever the reason, we need that attitude here.

@UhtredRagnarson, I think I know what I was responding to! I wouldn’t want my daughter having children with someone with a background of three generations of fathers that fucked off. Would you?

[quote IsThisNews]@user1471462428

It’s one of the few things that Americans get right. Child support come out of pay and a jail term for non payment. This is well overdue in this country.

100% agree. Just because an absentee dad doesn't see them doesn't mean they stop needing food, clothes, toys, books, shoes or a roof over their head. It makes me feel quite sad that in their lifetime, my DC's dad has spent more on takeaway coffees than he has on them.[/quote]
Agree. Being a 'deadbeat dad' seems to be much more stigmatised in America too. It's something men would be ashamed of rather than just shrugging it off.

@user1471462428

It’s one of the few things that Americans get right. Child support come out of pay and a jail term for non payment. This is well overdue in this country.

100% agree. Just because an absentee dad doesn't see them doesn't mean they stop needing food, clothes, toys, books, shoes or a roof over their head. It makes me feel quite sad that in their lifetime, my DC's dad has spent more on takeaway coffees than he has on them.