Ask for you experiences going no contact with a parent

@OhTinnitus I related to this post more than any other on the thread. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, and I hope that you can heal.

@dottypotter My DSis used to think like that! She cut me off because she thought I was being unfair to our DPs. I have been very LC for about 40 years. She supported them.

About 10 years ago, at the end of her tether and totally freaked out by what was happening to her, DSis came to me in tears. I hadn't seen or spoken to her in 20 years, at her insistence. It turns out that DPs had been fleecing her for all that time. Living for free at her expense, took upwards of £20K directly from her, without her knowledge (I think much more was involved but will probably never kow for sure). DF was emotionally blackmailing her, still is. She is in her 50s and has been left high and dry by parents who just saw her as a meal ticket, eptied her bank account and took a substantial insurance payout via fraud (which she doesn't feel she can report).

My father is a con man and a thief - he steals, sorry borrows from family and makes out he is doing everyone a favour taking their money. DM just sits and says nothing... gets a bit upset of questioned and has physically attacked DSis for insisting on some answers!

Now... when I cut them off I also lost the money sucking leeches from my life. What other problem do you think I gained that wasn't well worth it?

Some peeople just are not nice. Becoming parents doesn't change that!

This poster has a habit of popping up on threads like this to minimise what others are saying about toxic family relationships. It seems that in her mind at least there's never a good reason for cutting contact with parents.

@Eeeeeeeeeeeek Hear hear. I was absolutely gutted to read that response to what I'd said.

I went LC with my father as soon as my mother finally threw him over. I tried to let my DC have some sort of limited relationship with him but visits became fewer and fewer because I couldn’t handle the bs each time. I did realise, however, that he was just being him. He thought he was normal. So I left him to it.

www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html

My dh has a narcissist mother and a father who enables her behaviour.

We had a falling out in June 2019 when I couldn't bite my tongue anymore when their usual bs started. They moan they don't see our kids but then don't talk to them when they do see them. Moan that they don't know what to do with them but then ignore our suggestions (baking etc) and then moan again about not seeing them.

Anyway I had had enough and we had a massive row. Since then I've not seen them and dh and our kids have seen them once.
Our kids aren't bothered and don't consider this a loss.

What has been disappointing has been that his siblings have taken sides and in his case 2 have sided with the parents and 1 is neutral.

I feel deliriously happy at the thought of not seeing them but I know my dh finds it difficult although is relieved that it's happened.

My dh has been massively affected by his childhood. Has been depressed for most of his life although he's getting better thanks to ad and his counsellor. He drinks too much, has very low self-esteem, has panic attacks when he's bad and catastrophises everything which must be exhausting. He may not have been physically or sexually abused but his childhood has left deep scars and he has no idea of what a normal functioning, loving family looks like. Well, apart from the one we've created with the 4 of us.

Going NC with his toxic parents is giving him some peace.

dottypotter
Nobody knows whether they are unfit to parent. Anyway even if you cut off from your parents it's still not perfect you then haven't got any parents. Your just swapping one problem for another.
Cutting parents off just leads to other problems.

I think I can say for sure that my F wasn’t fit to be a parent, having sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up. Thankfully he’s dead now.

My DM failed to protect us, and to an extent was an enabler in that she knew that our F used to smack us too hard and did nothing to stop that, but I accept that she didn’t know about the SA. I also understand now that she was a victim of coercive control, accusations of cheating (the irony) and EA.

So I do still have some limited contact with her, and my DDs (11 and 8) have a relationship with their Granny. This is possible because my F is no longer around (he died 23 years ago).

It really isn’t about parents ‘not being perfect’; that statement on its own shows that you have no idea at all.

I went NC with my dad almost two years ago. The relief I felt was immense. I'm really happy with my decision and feel so much better knowing I don't have to spend time with him. It was tricky initially with some family members trying to persuade me to sort things out. I've also had to see him at a couple of family events (although lock down has helped!) but managed to discretely avoid without putting anyone else in an uncomfortable position x good luck OP-just do whatever you need to do to look after yourself x

@dottypotter

'Anyway even if you cut off from your parents it's still not perfect you then havent got any parents...'

My father was a colossal cunt. He made it very clear I was the black sheep of the family when I was growing up. Parents divorced when I was in infant school. Stealing our pocket money for his fags and the bookies, beating me back and blue when I asked for it, beating me black and blue because my school report wasnt perfect, dressing us in clothes and shoes that were patently unsuitable. I decided when I was 12 that he wasnt a part of my life anymore.
Having to have a conversation with my kids school about credible threats to kidnap my dc was... interesting. Despite the non-mol order I had out naming him.
Anyway the bastard died 2018, and you can bet I fucking celebrated. As did my siblings. I made a very large donation to a charity that he would have absolutely hated in his name.

So despite what you might think, life without him is pretty perfect thanks and I am very much happier without him in my life.

7 years, it was the best choice I ever made.
Luckily for me, I moved house at the same time, which I recommend.

French boule that's exactly what my in laws did to dh, said he had mental health issues, he doesn't... Did the davro thing and ostracised him...

I thought but he is supposed to be '' unwell '' but you're happy seeing him cut out?
Not what loving people do...

I think in the olden days when people had loads of dc it would be far more common not to see so much of parents...

Or not be sooo close to them all the time.

Going nc however is such a big move that almost goes agaisnt all our instinct and certainly society....

It's never something people do lightly. It's very much something that's a last resort. If people constantly make you feel bad... Put you down.. Never ever make you smile or feel good and don't give anything positive... Then it's hard to keep in contact!

Also on the brink OP. Perhaps visit or at the very least, read the 'Stately Homes' threads over in relationships. They help.

NC decisions are though about and agonised over for an awful long time. They aren't knee jerk decisions made in anger. We do grieve the parents we should have had and dealing with the guilt of stepping out of that son/daughter role is incredibly hard because we have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) instilled so well.

My mother and older brother have definite personality disorders that made them cruel towards me as a child. Emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I've hidden it for years from everyone and tried to manage DM's addictive behaviour but she's a person who won't help herself. Each hospital visit is traumatic and I'm the idiot who does the running around and picking up of pieces.

What you read here, in any of our posts is the tip of the iceberg. To those who judge, I can only imagine that you've had a normal upbringing that wasn't scarred by awful memories.

I'd give anything to have had a normal upbringing.

"there is a grieving process. Grieving for the parent you never had."

I absolutely agree with this statement. I have been grieving all my life, so when I finally made the decision to go NC (following some therapy) it felt that it was the beginning of the end of my grief.

My mother played the 'I don't know what I've done' card, playing the victim to the rest of the family, stating that I have mental health "issues" (funny how so many people who go NC are labelled as being unwell.) However, I don't mind the label, because for the first time in a long time I feel free.

NC should never be impulsive though. It's scary and I remember the day after I made the decision, I felt very strange. I remember walking down the street numbly....but I have never once regretted my decision. My mother was quite vile on the telephone in the weeks following my decision, which only worked to affirm that I had done the right thing. She went from being really sweet, to being very scary when she realised that this was 'it.' It helped me to write her a letter (that I never posted, but I kept it tucked away.) Whilst I busied myself preparing for a future without the drama, she started priming the family, clawing in any bit of sympathy she can get. I have never spoken a word to any of them about her. I didnt want to get dragged into the 'he said, she said' business. However I figured that if they chose to believe her, then they really didnt know the extent of the abuse directed towards me as a child, and if they don't know about it...I didnt want to be the one to tell them. After all, what would be the point? So over the years I have let them all slip away.

I fear 'triggers' though, such as birthdays and Christmas and I don't think the fear of her attempting contact will go away. I dont suppose it will until I move.

In my own experience I was ashamed at first by going NC, because I thought it was a taboo. But now I realise that I shouldn't have worried. I feel less alone now than I ever did with her in my life.

I wish you all the best OP

My mum was a drug addict growing up, sexually abused by her dealers whilst she was out of it. She replaced drugs for alcohol and is still as toxic. She messages me on the odd occasion but I have no problem not hearing from her.

She has caused me years of emotional and physical trauma, she rings me when she's drunk (I don't answer) and refuses to get help so I'm basically NC with my Mum.

I'm so sorry to hear of your upbringing OP and hope you find peace xxx

Several years ago I was recommended a book called, when you and your mother can’t be friends. I bought it but could not bring myself to read it. I wasn’t ready at the time to face up to a lot, I just wanted to hide away from it. Reading this thread though I think I’m going to finally read it as it’s supposed to be very helpful.

Ime resuming contact just reminded me of why we were nc. No scope for moving forward when she was exactly the same sadly. Don't have any wistful ideas things can ever be different op... The more confidently you accept this is it now the happier you will be... Holding out for a better relationship wil keep you that bit anxious about the future.. Without her it can be exactly as you choose from now on. I sometimes smile knowing dm would be enraged about bits of my life... The ddogs I have, the fact I don't iron!! That the house isn't spotless. My life, my choices, great dh - she never wanted me to have one. She was never happier when I was a single dm just like her..
Grieve for the dm you wish you had. Then move on.

I'll never let her know my children.

And yes, there is a grieving process. Grieving for the parent you never had. I couldn't talk about my Mum for about 15 years without getting upset. I physically shake if she turns up on my doorstep.

I had therapy about 20 years ago. When I told him all that Mum had done to me and my siblings he looked visibly angry. It was a shock hearing it from someone else that it was abuse. You know it in your mind deep down but it was a huge shock having a professional say it out loud. It did help me come to terms with it though.

Your Mum sounds like a carbon copy of mine. I went no contact. She turns up on my doorstep from time to time (despite me moving and not telling her or new tenants/neighbours where we moved to).

No regrets. My life is far less complicated. Helps that my siblings also went no contact. Last time she turned up after many years of no contact, she hadn't changed a bit!