No contact with my mum- what would you do?

Hi OP,

I left contact open for my mum for about 6 months after she told me that she wished me dead. She told me she was going to delete my number and that she'll never talk to me again. I gave it 6 months and when I didnt hear anything from her I changed mu number and moved. It was the best decision I ever made. Recently, I heard through the grapevine that she wants to make contact but I have no desire to do that. She hasnt changed and if I let her back in then she will be worse than before. I have forgiven her twice in the past when she cut me out of her life but I wont let her hurt me for a third time.

OP,

Your childhood sounds horrific.
You have grown up with huge drama in your life.

You say it was very hard.
It sounds as if it was very hard.

Now you have your own precious baby, and have a settled family life.
You have dreams of a calm, happy, and secure childhood for your son.
The complete opposite to the one you endured.

Having an erratic, angry relationship with your mother, where you and family are threatened and involve the police, is simply NOT compatible with that.

You want to be the best parent you can be, but I don't believe YOU CAN be the best you can be, with this deeply angry, unstable woman in your life.

I certainly don't think she should be anywhere near your son.

Grieve for the mother you wish you had.

It will take maybe two years for you to process this grief, but you and your family will be the better for it.

You can relax, and not live these precious years, with her stress and toxicity.

Her mental health problems are very unfortunate, but you and your siblings have all paid a terrible price, in having your childhood destroyed.

Don't allow the damage to leak into the next generation.

Protecting your child is your job as a mother.
Sometimes being a mother means you will have to make tough decisions, that are for the best.
This is one of them.
Good luck

Wow, your situation sounds so similar to mine. I havent had contact with my mum properly now for about 12 years, since I was 17. Terrible jealousy and viciousness towards me. Long story. I realise now I have grieved for the mother I wish I had and I have emotionally moved on. It has been the best thing for me. How can a mother treat their child in such an awful way? You are protecting your baby from the drama she 100% will cause by going go no contact.

If you found out in the morning that she was dead, would you regret not contacting her?
Bearing in mind that she I'd who she is, for whatever reasons, and is not going to change.

Are you capable of dealing with her on a superficial level and not letting her upset you?
These are the things only you can decide.

I'm another one to second staying NC. I had to do this with my DM, for exactly the reasons you mention, she was abusive, jealous, and frightening at times.

Towards the end, instead of just having a go at me, she started to make stuff up about my friends, my DH, anyone i had a relationship with to try and create a division between us in the hope i'd leave them all and just have her in my life. It was awful but i kept going back because 'she's my mum' and i wanted her to have a relationship with her grandkids. I'd get pages and pages of texts, lots of nonsense about what a bad daughter i was etc.

In the end, i couldn't take it anymore when she started exhibiting similar behaviour towards my kids and I had a nervous breakdown with it all. I am now on antidepressants and still feel occasional guilt, but i am much happier as i am now, i don't regret my decision. I don't want her nonsense around my children, particularly knowing i could have stopped it.

I feel sad but not because i miss my mum, i just miss the kind of relationship a mother / child should have and i know that unfortunately it is just not possible in my situation. Making peace with that is hard but i'm sure you'll get there. Take care.

I honestly recommend staying NC.

My mother had a dreadful upbringing. very abusive and violent. She is in her 70s now and is still dancing attendance dfirstly on her mother and then her older sister and brother as what she wants more than anything is for her family to be different and her upbringing to be different. Its like she thinks if she tries harder it will be better this time. It has made her life a misery, and by extension mine and my siblings. her focus was on the bad relationship and she kept going back. When her mother died she said she felt relief as now she would not have to see her family again, because the pressure was coming from her mother. But instead her sense of guilt sent her back into the mix of toxic family dynamics.

I went nc with her family when I was 16.... more than 30 years ago. My mother should have done the same. her MH would be so much better for it.

Please think of your own MH and your child. Put yourself and him first. You mother only brings toxicity into your life. Don't let your sense of guilt blight another second of your own precious life.

I think it changes. My DSis and I haven’t been through anything like your trauma but we don’t have a good relationship with our mother. We look after her now out of a sense of duty.

Sometimes we feel guilty, sometimes we feel sad for the good relationships we see others having with their parents. But we mostly don’t wallow in that because it’s not healthy and not going to change things.

Going NC sounds like the best thing for you, try not to feel guilty, or not too guilty. Remember why you’re doing this and how you feel when things are calm and settled in your life.

If she does ever make contact again, then you get to choose whether to meet her and if so where.

My baby was born in lockdown too OP and it’s really brought up a lot of childhood memories and feelings about the way I was parented. I think it’s natural to feel grief over something you deserved / something you wished you had - a loving kind mum who would be a fab grandma. But unfortunately you don’t have that and you know your son deserves better. You would be doing the right thing by remaining NC, has she even tried to apologise for essentially threatening you and your sons life? What if she had thrown a brick and it had hit your baby? It’s awful to think about but a brick to his face would kill him and I’m sure you know that. You’re doing the right thing, the peace of mind you will receive not having to be on edge 24/7 or your son wondering when she will appear again will be so worth it.

Don't feel guilty. The mother you want is not the mother you have. It will be easier to remember what good bits you can and love her for that, in isolation, than to try to build a good relationship in the future that she doesn't sound capable of.

My father eventually went NC with his family after his father died (well actually they all moved and didn't pass on addresses), and was the better for it. Decades later when a cousin got in touch to suggest my parents take a turn looking after his by now very elderly mother, the cousin was told a very different version of the family history to the one he knew.

I went no contact nearly a decade ago and it was one of the best things I ever did. If you feel it's necessary then just do it.

you and your son dont need her you dont have an obligation to see someone just because youre related

The guilt does lessen over time. The more you are removed from the situation, the more you can see the abusive behaviour for what it is.

You have your sister, your husband, your baby and your in-laws. She may be ill, but her treatment of you is intolerable and you are absolutely in your rights to say no more.

I would say if she comes back apologetic then you may be able to reach a place where you have limited controlled contact. But she is ill, and without treatment or acknowledging her issues she won't change. You need to be very clear about boundaries, and as soon as she crosses them you back off.

I say this as someone who's gran was a narcissist who caused total chaos to my parents with her poisonous behaviour. My mum is also married to someone who has a personality disorder and it is hellish.

Would your daughter benefit from the sort of uncertainty that your mum brought to you as a child when you had no control?

You don't need drama in your life. You have the ability to control that exposure now. Guilt is hard tho, much empathy.

OP, write it down somewhere. Everytime you feel guilty of not talking to hear read it again, I. E. she kicked you out at 16,tgreatened you, abused you.. It is your job to protect your baby from her bad influence too. It is not easy but she brings only distress to your life

Sorry, I referred to your baby as ''her'' but reread it and you have a son.

It sounds to me that she will offer no positives into your sons life. You will always be on a knife edge waiting for her to flip.

Easy to say as a stranger on the internet, but I would stop contact for good, and always remember, her behaviour is not your fault.

I'm not one to screech ''go no contact'' when people have run ins with their parents, because you only have one mum and dad. However, there are exceptions, and this is clearly one of them. She sounds poisonous, and you have to think of your baby and put her first.

Do you have a relationship with your dad? If so, him and your inlaws are your baby's grandparents and enjoy those relationships instead.

She may be your mum, but she doesn't sound very safe. If you have a relationship with her, she'll also have a relationship with your daughter and it doesn't sound as if that's a good idea.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her and having a child would make me want to get further away from her if anything.

sounds like you have had a hard time but you are fortunate your in laws sound lile nice people who care about you and your family. I'd cling to that tbh.