Living near parents

My mother suggested she bought the house next door. I immediately came to with a million ratings why that would not be a good idea without telling her I wouldn't want her to.

As people have said, it depends on your relationship. Mum would redirect to be over all the time, would be most hurt if I said I was going to do something without her and would be keep her eye on everyone who came into the house. Yet I know my best friend could live next to her parents and never see them.

Apart from the dropping in aspect, what about the fact that you will make (hopefully) various new friends and contacts and your parents would then know all these people and basically all about your life.

Make me feel ill thinking about it!

Do speak to them about it. I am sure you can find the right words!

I think you’re overlooking a lot of positives.

• Free childcare, maybe even school pickups
• Christmas is a quick lunch instead of a days long saga with travel and sleeping with whole family squashed in spare room
• you can visit them without using up school holdiays eg at Easter
• when you’re ill there’s back up help
• when they’re old and have a fall, which they will, you can help quickly instead of having to try to sort urgent help remotely then drive on motorway etc
• children can have closer relationship with their grandparents eg a five year old can go tinker in a shed with grandpa for an hr, how fun is that! (And again a break for you).

There’s no reason to think that they will ‘pop in’ without an invite if that isn’t how you normally do things. Just set your own boundaries. I think it would be fine 🤷‍♀️

There's no right or wrong here, it's about what is right for you and your family, yourself, your parents, partner and kids.

There is absolutely a right and a wrong way to deal with it. Honest conversations need to be had. For starters, what does your OH think? What are your parents like in general, are they the type to respect boundaries in general? Are you close?

If you feel deeply uncomfortable about raising the issue with them, that's already a sign that something about this won't work well. But its better to get everything out in the open now than let it fester unsaid.

I think you need to tell your parents. I would absolutely hate this. Now my dad has died, I am just not particularly keen on seeing her. I’d cry if she wanted to move near. I would speak to them.

I feel for you. MIL has said she is moving to be near us next year. She said she won't move to our village but we shall see.

She has massive boundary issues now and is generally a pain from 60 miles away. Will be putting some boundaries in place and to be blunt if she doesn't adhere we will either move or l will file for divorce. I am completely intolerant of people that don't respect boundaries.

So you need to be clear from the outset you would prefer them to call over dropping in and whilst you welcome them being more involved you need your own space as a family and they need to respect that.

Tell them how you feel about it. That you don't want your parents as neighbours and that it will not be a positive move. If they still move after this you know where you stand.

I think for the sake of your and your husband's well being it would not be a good idea. I speak from experience: many years ago when I had a toddler and a baby on the way my parents announced they were moving to a house two minutes walk away from us! They had lived twenty minutes drive away which was fine but they didn't consult us and it was very tricky at times, despite them being doting grandparents. You are right in thinking it would encroach on your family space and it also affects your friendships as people see you with parents and so they don't make the same effort. My parents didn't make their own friends and although we had lots of lovely times, we could have had them without the stress of them being on top of us. I would firmly say that you do not want them to move to your village and that there are many other places not too far away which would allow you to see plenty of each other without risking falling out.

SIL and family live next door to PIL. Great for free childcare on tap over the years, not so great now PIL be are ageing and expect SIL to be running round after them as 'payback'. No special grandparent relationship either, just overinvolvement over the years causing frustration and resentment.
Be wary. Think long term.

I would hate this ..

I live on the street as my parents (only recently, until 2 years ago I’ve lived all over EU with work). My sister lives next door to them. I pop by every couple of days and yell at them through the backdoor (lockdown means I can’t pop in for coffee anymore). My parents don’t drop in on me. My sister and her kids do, they just wander in. Pre Covid everyone wandered in and out of my parents. My DD pops in and out of my sisters, I knock. We are a close bunch and share school runs and childcare and there is a family meal or get together most weekends. I like it. My Dad does some lovely DIY for me! My mum bakes and I get to eat it.

If your parents are moving close you’ll need to talk boundaries and expectations. Who can walk into whose house, how much time will you spend together? It can be great but I can imagine it could be difficult if you aren’t all in the same page.

I wouldn't be happy about this either, but I don't know what you can do about it. I don't like the idea of family being able to.pop in all the time , I'd rather know when people are coming. Some people are fine with this, it's not bratty to not be.
I've read some threads on here about family turning up uninvited all the time and its overwhelming to them, this is what's making you anxious I expect.
Are they definitely moving to your village to be nearer to you or is it just that they've by chance found a suitable house there? Not sure how to advise really as if you discussed it with them it's unlikely they'd take it well. Could another family member have a word do you think?

You need to talk to them. It is far too close if you don't want this. I don't think you are spoilt at all. My parents would expect a visit daily if we lived opposite and comments regarding this and that (oh its raining and your washing is on the line) type of thing which is irritating.

My adult dd +ds live within a few minutes of us. Visits both ways are by invitation or previous arrangement only!!
Although tbh the dc drop in here but I have never dropped in at theirs! I have keys for cleaning /delivery purposes only!
Boundaries are your friend op...

Completely down to what was the best house available we now live on the same development as my parents, sister’s family and grandparents.

We joked a lot about it being a nightmare but honestly, it’s turned out no different than normal.

On the other hand, in laws want to move to our county but are looking at villages as far away from us as possible and it’s actually hurt DH immeasurably that they are saying they want to move to be closer but not actually going to be closer at all.

It comes down to how your relationship is overall but I think it won’t be as bad as you fear.

You can't stop them - but I'd hate it too, especially if they were opposite.
Perhaps you could say that it might not be a good idea to move on the assumption that you'd be neighbours, as you're only planning to stay in the village in the short term. And then invent a long-cherished ambition to move somewhere they'd hate!