Living near parents

@MotherExtraordinare.....Total bullocks. Adult Children have no responsibility moral or otherwise to take of their parents. The parwnts have the moral duty to provide for their own care as they age.

We live a couple of doors from my parents and it’s fine. We tend to go there rather than them coming here. They don’t like to come here when my husband is home as they say it is our family time. My mother in law keeps saying she’s going to move around here and dh says if she does then we’re moving! It just depends on what kind of relationship you have and are wanting and if they’ll go along with it. It was very handy for childcare BC.

MotherExtraordinaire are you the mother of OP?

OP - the fact your parents knew you and your husbands feelings on their proposed move, and the fact they continued with it regardless shows how insensitive, controlling and interfering they are. Kids leave home for a reason and set up their new lives with other people for a reason - the fact they are barging into your new adult 'space' is abysmal. They sound deeply unpleasant people - and clearly putting their wishes ahead of yours.

Frankly I'd get my house on the market and move. Leave them to it.

I absolutely abhor living so close to my adult son and family. They are nosy, intrusive and try to mooch all the time and don't understand the words we are busy go away....OK maybe thats just my DIL

Mine moved to our village last year.

Their relationship with my kids has blossomed.

The relationship between them and me has staled. The dynamics have changed and I don't enjoy it. Definitely don't suggest a house within view.

Depends enormously on how well you and your partner get on with both sets of parents. I and my husband are very close to my side of the family. My sister lived with us for three years, and we all got on fine, but then she is very easy going. On my husband's side it would have been very different. In a village as well, from experience for better or worse, everyone knows your business. So your parents may also be clued up on all kinds of minutiae around what your kids are getting up to at school, who you are not getting on with around the village etc, so I would factor in how this might play out as well.

And actually, I believe that morally the op has a responsibility to them regardless

And there it is, three pages is all it took!

Op you certainly do NOT have any responsibility to them!! At all. You have a responsibility to care for and raise your own children, end of. We do not have children so they become our carers as we age, it is not thw 1500s anymore! We have children because we want to, and they have their own lives once they reach adulthood, and should feel free to enjoy and live their lives how they see fit. They are not beholden to us in any shape or form.

I would be devastated if my dc decided to throw away their lives changing my nappies and cleaning my house. It is outrageous for anyone to expect that.

I would move op. As far away as possible pref with no surrounding neighbours or even overseas. Your parents are selfish and self serving, and could not care less about the impact on your marriage.

And actually, I believe that morally the op has a responsibility to them regardless.

You're their child
This is the crux of the matter, they want to keep OP in that subordinate relationship where you are the child and they are the grown-ups who get to call The shots
That's why she doesn't want them in such close proximity.
One's parents should always be kept at arm's length and in the rear view mirror!

Also I'm not surprised your parents are upset. You're their child, they raised you and now you don't even want them in the same village. I would be hurt too.
It's not like they're moving into your house. I don't really get how you won't have privacy, what will you be doing that's so top secret?
I just don't get the responses on this thread. Understandable if you have a bad relationship with your parents but otherwise what's the problem?

I don’t agree with it being the best development been built at the time. It’s not a coincidence that your parents have spotted a house and you could potentially see them through your window.

I’m with you OP I would absolutely hate the idea and tbh for the sake of a potential clash I would say beforehand!

This obviously depends what sort of rapport you have with your parents too. I prefer my privacy.

I find this a bit sad. I grew up with extended family coming round a lot and us going to theirs. Currently my SIL has a key to our home and MIL pops up whenever. I get along really well with them both. My own mum lives far away and I'd love it if she lived down the road.
But, I realise not everyone would enjoy that. Certainly less common in England (I'm in Scotland).
Won't it be nice for your kids to have granny and granddad around a lot?
I don't think you can stop them moving where they wish but you could lay down rules about visiting etc.

your parents have always had a long-term plan to move nearer to you so that you feel obligated to fetch and carry for them as as they get older
They want to make sure you have no choice but to serve them in their dotage
You've messed up their plans, they can't explain the real reason they're angry so they are choosing the knee-jerk option of positioning themselves as the victims and you as the ones in the wrong

I am so sorry OP. You poor thing. Your parents obviously don't give a fck about you with the way they shut down the conversation without even listening to your side.

Set some firm boundaries from the start. No key. If they appear on the doorstep and you don't want to see them "sorry we are busy just now" and shut the door. If they say "i saw you such and such"/"why did you do x with the house" its "and your point is"/"because we wanted to". Questions about why you were in the GP are met with "private matter". Your husband cant stop to chat in the co-op, its just a hi/bye.

If they won't consider you at all, you dont consider them.

Your parents are the spoilt brats not you!
They didn't exactly handle it like grown-ups did they😳, I would carry on offending them in the hopes they cut you out of their lives ☺️
win-win🤭

It’s really interesting - I think this is one of those things that you either “get” or you don’t. I’m totally with you and your DH OP - the GP, the Co-op, the pub, park. To some it seems crazy to feel like that, to others it feels totally understandable.
I think it just depends on the kind of person that you are (I need my privacy, even 2 miles if it!) - I think what shocks me is the other party’s unwillingness to take that on board.
To fall out over a house, when there are 24 million other options, seems so shortsighted.
It’s a Pyrrhic victory for my in-laws - they have their house that they want, but I feel unhappy, betrayed and incredibly saddened that they can’t prioritise relationships over bricks. They don’t have to understand how I feel about it, they just have to acknowledge it. My DH is in bits about it and I cannot believe anyone would do that to their child.
Ah OP, maybe we should meet for secret gin and therapy sessions!

I do feel particularly sorry for your dh.

Oh wow, they really really don't care about your feelings at all.

What a terrible way to behave. I am sorry op, but this is probably the reason WHY you don't want them so close, and I can see why you are upset.

You have no choice but to get on with your lives now, and ignore them. If you see them give them a cheery wave and continue living your life as you did before. Perhaps leave a plant and some fresh bread for when they move in, and then you need to keep very very firm boundaries. No one pops in without ringing beforehand, and lay out how you see this working. You have no choice, unless you are going to move.

I would be very careful about inviting them in, if they keep knocking (you can't anyway) and just continue as before. It is not ideal, but what can you do?

I would feel they have crossed boundaries actually, but with some thought I think you can still live happily and as you did before. I would plan to see them no more than you did before, at least for the first six months.

My parents are a few streets away and I love it, couldn’t imagine living in a different town to them. We have a good relationship though and I appreciate not everybody would feel the same way about living nearby.

I'm glad they're sticking to their guns. The fact they're hurt was easily predicted. But you continued anyway.

To have an issue with being in the coop buying milk at the same time as them is ridiculous. As for your husband, he sounds like he has issues.

Good luck to your parents.

As for you and your family, it sound like you as parents need to mature.

I am so sorry you've been put in this position. I think it's absolutely outrageous actually.

My parents live in the same village, in fact I moved to be near them. My sister also lives on the same road as them. It's wonderful, we all help each other out and with my parents shielding through lockdown it has been invaluable to be so close...but we all have good boundaries. Although I'm sure my other half and brother in law might not always feel like that

When DC were young ,we lived on the same 70s housing estate as DP and my DGP as well! Nan just down my road ,Mum in the next street! Loved it and miss it now we have moved away ,and they have all passed now sadly.Sometimes my Step Dad would say "I saw you were out last night ,when I was out with the dog" and that sort of thing .We Did have boundaries though .Fondly remember dropping in to DGP with DD for a natter /and a cuppa!

This makes me really sad! I would love to have my parents live close by. They are 3 hours away currently. But then I am close to them and I would be comfortable enough to explain to my mum if she was coming round too much or we just wanted some family time.

Can’t you just be honest and say I love you but if you live opposite we’d feel X Y and Z. If you are honest and explain your feelings and speak with kindness I’m sure they would understand. And if they don’t that says more about them. You’re entitled to feel the way you do but to me it’s about expressing it in a way that minimises hurt while still being honest. And maybe you’ve mad a rod for your own back seeing them every weekend? There is no need unless you are their carers? We live close to my In laws and I certainly don’t feel obligated to see them every weekend neither does DH.