Living near parents

OP - I’m interested to know how things have turned out? I found myself in this situation but with MIL. She decided to move and it’s created distance and tension in the family. I broached the subject before she moved. It was really uncomfortable to do but I felt it was important to be honest. Unfortunately, she chose to move and subsequently has told other family members that she feels rejected.

I think you need to have a gentle - but honest - conversation with them now before it’s too late. Don’t hurt their feelings, but say you want space as a family and would prefer that if they plan to relocate that it is not to the same village as you. Be firm
did you not read this part....
To this day they refuse to read my letter
OP has written a letter to explain herself and they wont even deign to look at it!
They are emperor and empress and they demand absolute and unconditional loyalty or it's no dice.
Imo, piss them off so much they flounce off forever
job done!

We purposely moved to the same village as PILS. To begin with it was for support and occasional childcare, now the tables have turned that we support them more. Our village is big though and its a 10-15 min walk to their house. It's lovely being close but not in each other's pockets. I really like them though and the feeling is mutual. It will be so much easier to support them when they get more infirm.
It really depends how you get on with them.
Boundaries need to be set

My df lives 2 streets away.
My dm lives 1 mile away.
See eachother prob weekly. But for an hour or so. But equally could go a couple of weeks or more withiut contact or seeing them
Each to their own I guess. I couldn't imagine not living near them.

YANBU. I thought this was going to be a post about you wanting to move nearer them, not the other way around.

It’s nice having family within half an hour’s drive or so (usually) so you can easily meet or have help with childcare, but NO I would not want mine over the road. It’s too much and an overstep of boundaries.

I think you need to have a gentle - but honest - conversation with them now before it’s too late. Don’t hurt their feelings, but say you want space as a family and would prefer that if they plan to relocate that it is not to the same village as you. Be firm.

@MotherExtraordinaire No one is morally obligated to care for aging parents especially within dysfunctional families. You're pretty damn judgmental

I live in the same village as a lot of my family/in laws. Then others live in the nearest town. And my extended family live about 10 minutes away in a car. I moved away from them when I was a teenager (with my parents) but I didn’t like it and soon moved home. I enjoy being close to everyone, we still have boundaries and don’t see each other every day. But YANBU, it doesn’t work for everyone

A lot depends on your boundaries and relationship.
Myself and DH are debating a move to my IL's town. However...

a) Boundaries are already in place. We are looking at an area within easy cycling distance, but not the same street.

b) They are happy with it. DH's sibling already lives in the same area and we can all see a lot of benefits from cousins growing up together, supporting each other, etc.

I would never move really close to my adult children unless they asked me to. By close I mean the same village, I think a town would be OK but even then I wouldn't buy a house that meant I'd have to walk passed theirs to go about my business.

However, insisting on moving in next door when the other party has told you they aren't keen is an issue in itself
^this
they dont care about what you want, they insist upon their right to access you/impose upon you regardless
you are to be seen but hot heard

I would not like it either. With my own parents they are ok but very nosy, and would be asking me who I was talking to or where I was going all the time. I wouldn't mind living in the next town about 5 miles away say.
The in laws I simply don't like them, and definitely don't want to see them any more than strictly necessary.
Things like being close enough for childcare are only any use if you would want them looking after your children!
I have other relatives that I'd love to live close to though, so it very much depends on the relationship.
However, insisting on moving in next door when the other party has told you they aren't keen is an issue in itself.

I would highlight all of the drunken behaviour in street. I'd also say that it would be nice to have them so close as they could clear up after the prostitutes before the school run.... should take care if it!

@houseinthesnow I agree with you. It sounds cruel but once you have your own family they become your first priority!

OP stated something to do with her DH too..

The same street would be too much, but I don’t really see the problem with the same village.

I would be selling your house and looking at moving. I did this once, immediately regretted it moved 100s of miles away from my DP after 4 very stressful years.

[quote ChochoCrazyCat]@Leaannb So what if they know those things? How is it intrusive, these are the OP's parents, not random people. And I doubt they'd be sitting at the window observing the OPs movements 24/7 (or if that's the type they are then that's a separate problem from them living in the same village).
I find this thread so sad. "Pressure to visit"...like it's an unpleasant chore to visit your own parents.

Where I live there are loads of old people just left alone, their children rarely visit and there's no one to help them if they're struggling, just some carers who do the odd visit.
If children don't have a moral responsibility to care for their parents then who does? The state?
[/quote]
Because its not their business. I don't have this problem with parents but with an adult child. Its too close. Asking you who is visiting you is intrusive. Being told you have time for visitors but not them is tiring. Getting phone calls because you have a repairman at your house....It doesn't matter if they are her parents or if he is my child. Its annoying and can destroy relationships. Its a power game and when she doesn't play it. They will kick off.

@Leaannb So what if they know those things? How is it intrusive, these are the OP's parents, not random people. And I doubt they'd be sitting at the window observing the OPs movements 24/7 (or if that's the type they are then that's a separate problem from them living in the same village).
I find this thread so sad. "Pressure to visit"...like it's an unpleasant chore to visit your own parents.

Where I live there are loads of old people just left alone, their children rarely visit and there's no one to help them if they're struggling, just some carers who do the odd visit.
If children don't have a moral responsibility to care for their parents then who does? The state?

I wouldn't want to live in the same street as my parents tbf, but about anything other than that is fine with me. We live about 5 min walk from them and a further five mins away in the opposite direction is where my sister lives! We are a close family and like to be close to each other. It has been a Godsend in terms of accessing support since we had DD. But I think I'm very much in the minority on MN in having a very close family in this way from what I see on other threads tbh.

Frankly I'd get my house on the market and move. Leave them to it
I'd wait a bit, until they're all settled in etc, then upsticks and go:)

We do not have children so they become our carers as we age
I hear you but sounds like MotherExtraordinaire thinks that IS why people have children

I lived 5 mins from my mum and 2 mins from my brother.

I don’t know what the problem is. I looked after my mum when she was ill as did db. She died about 15 years ago, but l liked living near her. My children saw her all the time. It wasn’t invasive, it was just nice.

I wish she still lived there

I live about a 10 minute drive from my parents. I love it, I'd hate to live too far away.