To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

@SequinsandStiIettos

Oh and some of the above posts are why many women are doomed to silence - silence about maternal ambivalence, about the bullshit sexism of wifework, about thinking of the second sliding doors what might have been - when women vent (which is clearly what the OP is doing here or she'd have left already) they receive castigation: the demonization of mothers, Won't somebody think of the children? mantras and then the trump card of infertility. So many women have to vet their language, add the caveats beforehand, avoid plain speaking when to be blunt, it's rarely the women who ever leave is it? On here, you will often get Go to a hotel, take a break, go to a spa, get a cleaner, kick your dp into touch, leave your dp, go to the GP, you have a husband problem etc and there are countless women reading that thinking: Yeah, right. Why didn't I think of that? If it were that easy. No shit Sherlock. So vent away OP and don't let anyone take away your safe space to do so

Hating aspects of parenting to varying degrees is totally normal and common but bordering on hating your own children is not. That's why there are all kinds of interventions for mothers who are depressed or have other mental health needs - we don't just leave mother and child to suffer the way they are.

It's simply unfair for a child to be brought up in that environment (and horrible for the mother herself) when there are interventions available. The bond between a mother and child is one of the strongest in nature. If hatred or hostility towards your own innocent children is not a symptom of a mental health issue, then there is an even bigger problem that needs to be urgently addressed.

It is mind-numbing at times. I love all three of my DC but it is mind-numbingly boring at times. We do have lovely family time with them but it's about 20% of the time. The rest is made up of nappies, crying, school, squabbles, hundreds of questions, organising, housework, shopping, cooking, walking, entertaining them, getting up at night etc.
DH does his fair share, I am not complaining about that. I kind of feel I have got lost in it all at the minute.
I quite liked being single and having my house to myself and my cats

Sorry, OP, everything sounds tough at the moment. I agree parenting is hard. My eldest has ASD, my youngest doesn't. It is so so much harder parenting an ASD child. Because it's a spectrum, and they are all different, it's quite a difficult condition to understand, and some problems seem specific to dd.

DH and I don't always agree about the dc but we talk about them a lot and try to plan parenting together and share tasks, especially the ones we find difficult. Without his support, and regular breaks from parenting, I would be so drained.

I don't think things will improve unless you can rely on your DH to step up and be more involved. If he's not willing or capable, I'm sorry to agree with others that you would be better off without him. I know it is easier said than done, of course.

:( it can be the most testing shit thing can’t it. And I think it’s great that you’ve vented.

Trying to think of a helpful response. Easy bit first, don’t worry about the 4 year old- they’ll catch up and level out most likely as they get into year 1/2. If it’s a boy especially tend to be less into writing etc.

And I’ve found I find it so much easier to love and enjoy the kids when I’ve had a break from them. If you’re doing it all then it’s relentless and almost anything over and over breaks you.

I would really try and get DH to help with bedtimes as if he lived alone he would still work full time but have to do his own food shop and put it away and cook it so his life is easier with you and the kids and yours is harder!! Reading them a few books won’t kill him but will give you a break. Nothing taxing as it’s easy to say make DH do this and that but in reality...
I would also genuinely consider medication/ chat with doctors.
If you can afford it what about joining a gym like David Lloyd? They have sports clubs for the kids, soft play and swimming and it’s a quick easy option for ‘what shall we do today’.
Honestly the most alarming and bit I think needs an urgent sort is
Sort the 4 year olds sleep out! They should be in bed by 7-7 roughly and this needs serious intervention if they are out of bed still by 10. Put them in bed 7 o clock and unless it’s for a wee they don’t get out until morning and can lie in the dark awake if they don’t sleep. You’re the parent they are not in charge of their bed time! It’s ruining your life sort it out!

Also. Remember it’s not forever. Obviously with SEN I know it might mean more obstacles etc growing up but this is the hard time and then you’ll get time on your own back for many many years.

Good luck and I hope you find a few good suggestions/ comfort on here!

Well I know I’m not adding anything new by saying this but it’s your husband making your life miserable not the kids. Parenting is relentless and can be draining and boring but the problem is that no one has your back. There is no way that the evening you’ve just described would happen in our house. We’d both tackle everything that needed to be done together and then sit down together, sharing all the jobs. Even then it can still feel a bit shit but at least we are in it together. I can’t imagine how resentful and angry I’d be if all childcare and domestic jobs were left to me whilst my DH chilled on the sofa.

To echo other posters:

1. You have a huge DH problem. It's meant to be a partnership.
2. You sound depressed. Every parent feels sometimes bored, frustrated and worn down but to not find any joy in your children or enjoy their company sometimes is unusual, I think.
3. Get off Facebook. If it's making you feel miserable, why are you on there? It's not compulsory! I quit two years ago for similar reasons and have never looked back.

Your 'd' h sounds like the biggest pile of shit.

He's happy while you're miserable because you are there facilitating his happiest?

It's rough that your children are SEN, it's a whole different ballgame, but your dh is a scumbag, you are his slave basically. Why have you allowed this situation to develop?
And why aren't you doing anything about it?
LTB, then at least you will have every other weekend off.

You know, you're a single parent already, OP. All he's contributing is money and if you were divorced you'd still get that. You'd have no less domestic help than you have now. In fact, with one less person to run around after, you might have less work. And you wouldn't have to see him lying about all evening while you run around like a blue arsed fly.

He really is the biggest cause of trouble here. Why does he think this is acceptable? Nobody can be happy when they live with a twat who's supposed to love them but is happy to see them disappear under a mountain of shitwork whilst they loll on the sofa.

Tell your dh to move his lazy arse and wash up.

You don't hate parenting, you hate parenting with him/having to parent him too Quite possibly or she could just hate parenting. Leaving to do it alone is no picnic either. Many say it's easier than resentment/parenting an adult not stepping up...but forget that the kind that doesn't step up if you're together won't suddenly change when you're apart so you are then on your own but financially fucked too - before we even go to effects on the kids.
Culturally, there was a bit of a misery genre/backlash against motherhood in literature a while back - and then a backlash against the backlash. We often invalidate others' feelings to validate our own, it's human nature, for both sides of the coin. I have never understood why for example Jools Oliver only ever wanted to be a mother and loves it so much she's had five and would happily have a sixth - I just cannot imagine it - but I cannot refute she's happy and if it works for her, fair play. The problem with the other side of the coin is that once they're here, they're here: yes, you can put up for adoption/foster/ask family to take care of...but most women don't, won't or can't. Whether they should or not is the moral dilemma when you look at the outcomes for kids in care. Instead, we talk of being 'good enough', faking it til making it, lovebombing et cetera because we weren't mind readers and they are here to stay and we love them unconditionally and so we stay.
The thing is, OP, had someone you knew told you how it was for them, what their reality was, their lived experience:
a) Would you have believed them?
b) Would you not have thought it would be different for you?

I do admire women who took the stance that they weren't having children and wonder what made them so definitive, so sure , that it wasn't for them.
I also do wonder how parenthood feels for couples who really went through the mill to have their kids but find it shit - do they feel they can talk about it and who to confide in?
I am going to eat more and watch some dancing: I do hope OP that you can still take pleasure out of some things. I can have a laugh with my kids in spite of it all, the shit, the mess, the rows, the drill sergeant majoring, the school run, the juggling, the shit...we share the same sense of humour fortunately.
Try to get some sleep too.

You really shouldn't be feeling that way. I would tell your GP as you may be suffering from PND or depression. Yes it's hard work but so rewarding, and although it's nice to have a routine you can mix it up a little to have fun with them too. But seriously nothing will be fun if your mental health is suffering - like the oxygen masks, you need yours on before you can help anyone else

There is no reason to presume the OP transmits her feelings of regret to her DC. She is parenting them, raising them, spending time with them, despite how hard she's finding it at present. I agree her DH sounds like more hindrance than help, but that's not OP's fault.

It's no wonder women who don't find motherhood the endless whirl of sunshine and giggles it's purported to be feel ashamed to admit they regret doing it. Try learning some empathy instead of judging and tearing down other women.

OP, it sounds really hard. I don't have DC but I feel I can relate to this anyway, because I would have been you, if I'd decided to have kids. 100%. I'd never have coped with the drudgery or the stress or the boredom or the feeling of being taken for granted.

Hope you can find ways to make it a little easier - personally I agree with the pp who suggested you go away for a week or longer and let DH pick up the slack for a bit! Even parents (especially parents, perhaps?) need to have time for themselves every now and then, time away from the role of Mum, to do the things they want to do instead if what everyone wants them to do. And I do feel it sounds like DH needs to be picking up more of the slack, despite working full-time - plenty of people manage to be present in their kids' lives and in home life/chores as well as working.

Hope it gets easier OP.

He shouldn't have to begrudgingly agree to look after his own kids OP. He should offer when he knows how you feel. Don't you think?

nearertonature

*Youngest one isn’t very bright and is already struggling in reception

Ok, I know this isn't the point of your thread, but your child is NOT ' not very bright' at four or ' struggling in reception.' this is the failure of our unusual education system which starts children in formal education at the ridiculously young age of 4. Your child would be fine in most other countries in the world where her/his kindergarden provision would be developmentally appropriate.*

Absolutely so true. I think our country uses reception as childcare. During my daughter’s first year of school, I was a mess. I was constantly beating myself up wondering why she was behind. Please don’t write your youngest off - it will all click into place for them when they’re ready.

[quote GettingUntrapped]@anotheremma, your attitude of telling them it was a pleasure to bring them up, even if you hated it is setting the perfect scene for your children to wonder what's wrong with them if they hate the terrible constrictions of their own desires that so often come with parenthood, especially motherhood.
We need to end this shit somehow, our cultural method of parenting does way to much of a number on parents (especially mothers). It's like you become trapped in something that is taboo to speak up about, something that takes away your personhood, but hey, that's ok isn't it...not.
Small humans need a whole community to tolerate and guide and love them. It is too much for even two parents some of the time. God help single parents and those with SEN children.
How would you like to feel that your own life is over?[/quote]
Did you even read my post?! Which part of saying I will tell my children it was hard but worth it made you conclude that I indeed to sugar-coat everything?!
My point was that it's very damaging indeed to tell your children that they ruined your life and you regret having them. No one should tell their children that, even if it's how they feel.
We should all be honest about the challenges of parenthood when talking to our friends, our siblings, in general... but when we're talking to our actual children, we need to be mindful of what we say and how it will impact on their self esteem.
I am very open to people telling me about the negative side of parenting but I don't want to hear my own parents saying that parenting me was shit for them, no thanks.
My mum acknowledges that it's really hard and empathises when I'm struggling, but she has always told me that having me and my sister was the best thing she ever did, and I am grateful for that.
FWIW I think when my children are adults and I look back on everything I won't regret having them, but I've had plenty of moments of regret and will probably have more - I just think that (hopefully!) the good will outweigh the bad.
And if I choose not to tell them about the darkest, lowest moments of regret (probably driven by sleep deprivation for the most part), that's my prerogative. It won't stop me being supportive if they struggle with the same things, and telling them I struggled too.

I love my kids but looking back now if me and hubby had known more and also have a special needs child we said we would have remained childless not maybe just one child we have a few and some days I think what the hell have i done

Well, you know, he doesnt have to agree. You need a break.

It is not necessarily depression, it can be the stark reality that you have right royally fucked up. Those querying why have 2 plus more..in my case I was told by numerous so called professionals that it would get better as they grew, it was depression etc, it didn't. I still hate it and mine are now in their 30s. The sound of a child crying can still give me a 'flight' reaction. I will leave a room if there are children. I love the DGC but am almost relieved that their mother (DSs Ex) thinks by not letting them visit she is hurting me, she isn't, but she is hurting them, the DGC want to see their GPs. I would get on with it for their sakes.

Oh OP.
The only thing I can suggest is to leave your DH, that as not a marriage. At least that way he would be forced to have the kids at least one night a week and that would be your respite.