To ask why no one tells you how shit it is having children?

I thought it was common knowledge that parenting was a thankless, relentless grind. That’s why we waited 10 years into our marriage and only did it because I got ridiculously broody. I expected the worst fro parenthood so the good bits were a nice surprise. Both mine are shit sleepers and the oldest has ASD but DH has stepped up massively since they were small so I get time for myself. This is vital for my sanity. I’m not going to comment on the sleeping problem as sometimes you can’t control that. Just because your H (not much of a DH) is working doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be pulling his weight. Hopefully if you can get regular breaks you will feel more positive and find some enjoyment in family life. We’ve been to hell and back with ASD child and school but things are going well now and we have some wonderful family times.

If you don't work with children, have no nieces and nephews or you're the first of your friends to have kids I don't think unreasonable to not know how hard it is. I didn't. My parents didn't say, we have a close, positive relationship but from my perspective I had a lovely childhood which only as an adult and with a child of my own, realise my parents worked very hard and sacrificed to achieve.

I have one child, and he will be one by choice. I can't do it again, he too has some SEN and I have a supportive husband but it's not just that. The sleeplessness, the relentlessness, the worry, plus I don't fancy giving birth again, weaning again, teething again, potty training again. He's 4.5 and I'm just scraping myself back up and becoming more 'me' again.

I honestly don't know, when I see families with 3+ kids, how they do it. They are either a much better parent than me or a lot of the stuff I worry about doesn't affect them in the same way and I feel quite envious of that.

Go to your GP. Health visitor too if your youngest is still 4. Get yourself some help. They need you and that won’t change any time soon. You need some propping up which is absolutely fine.

As for your dh... bloody hell. Have the conversation. Divide up jobs and responsibilities so it is spelled out in black & white for him. You need some breathing space. He can do bath / bed / story / park / homework supervision / laundry etc. Play to his strengths. If you don’t know what they are then just draw up a list that gives you a break and let him figure it out.

What's more annoying is when people suggest you have depression when you say you don't enjoy being a parent. It really grinds my gears, it's okay and quite normal to dislike being a parent. Agreed. This always pops up as one of the first responses.

Having said that, I agree with this as well: An afternoon spent in the company of parents of young children makes it obvious that parenting is mostly relentless drudgery - being constantly interrupted to pick little fingers out of electrical outlets, changing stinky nappies, being unable to have an adult conversation due to the constant noise and demands on your attention. It's why I didn't have children.

OP, I'm so sorry you're struggling. It sounds so hard. You sound burned out for sure, and I'm not surprised, with being left to deal with everything on your own. Your husband need to step up - you didn't have these children on your own.

I do wonder why the people who say it’s shit always have more than one child.

Do you ever do anything for yourself? Do you have anything you enjoy doing at all?

You sound completely burnt out. I have 2, both without additional needs and a husband that does a lot both with the children and around the house, and it's still really shit at times.

You can expect your husband to do more and you should. It doesn't matter how pressurised his job his, it was a joint decision to have children, so it should be a joint effort to care for them

He needs to take the children so you can have some time to yourself. You need to get out the house so they can't ask for you even while he is there. I appreciate it's not easy, but I do believe in the saying 'you can't pour from an empty cup'

Secondly, your dh is pointless. It's supposed to be a partnership. If you're tied to a bloke who won't do his share, it's worse than being on your own.

It's been a particularly tough year op - cut yourself some slack. But you've got to try and get a handle on things. Dig deep & find some energy to whip them into shape. Channel Supernanny and get a timetable in place with rewards and sanctions. They must learn there is a time for them but a time for you. No guilt allowed. Only allowed out of their bedroom at X o'clock. In bed at X o'clock. Make them more independent and resilient - sort problems themselves. It'll get harder before it improves but it will improve. I ruled my children - they did not rule me. They are young men now and great. YOU CAN DO THIS!

Lots of people moan about having children, so I'm not sure I agree that no one tells you. It seems a lot of your problems stem from not having the support you need, and that's a DH issue. Of course some people genuinely just hate it, and I think it's not actually overwhelmingly uncommon, but from what you've said it's understandable you feel as you do.

I chuckled reading this - these are exactly the kind of rants I have from time to time! I blame my mum (doesn't the mother always gets blamed ) she was one of those annoying people who truly, madly, deeply loved motherhood from bloody conception. She had me brainwashed into thinking NOTHING could compare to the amazingness of children. With a lifetime of buildup like that you can imagine my disappointment

It's shit OP! Really shit for some more than others. Is there any tangible plans you could put in place to improve anything on a day to day? Any extra money for a regular babysitter/cleaner or meal delivery service?

I’ve got 6
I’ve just realised this myself. It’s hard, hard work and with little to no recognition
I just want a hot cup of tea and a hot bath and 12 hours sleep I feel totally overwhelmed

Echoing PPs - your DH is a big part of the problem. He might well have a high-pressure job, but so do you, in looking after kids. When he's not working, it needs to be 50-50 with some give and take.

Thing is though, you're letting him away with this. I'm not saying it's your fault (it categorically isn't) but if you carry on like this, you're choosing to accept it.

You need a break. Regularly and completely (not just in another room for a while). Do you have family or friends you can stay with for a few hours occasionally? If I knew a friend was in your position, I'd be handing her a house key and tell her the spare room is made up, there's wine and chocolate in the fridge, knock yourself out.

And if your DH doesn't like it, tell him you're leaving. He'll find 50-50 custody a lot harder than doing his fair share now.

I’m with you 100% OP. I had this rosy idea of motherhood and was shocked by the 25 years of having to put my children first.

I had a husband who helped and enjoyed his children, they were well behaved and educationally high achievers but nothing prepared me for the relentlessness of motherhood.

Yes there was joy, I love them dearly BUT if I had known pre children what I know now I would have kept taking the pill.

You need to go and see your GP and tell her/him what you have told us op.

'D'H Problem, not a children problem.

Obviously the oldest having ASD and being less independent than typical for age makes it harder, and having a 4 year old and an older child with ASD and a waste of oxygen for a "partner" will have made your lockdown harder than most and jaded you - your only human, and no mental space in the lockdown period jaded most parents somewhat.

"They" do tell you though - 90% of MN parenting related posts are about the bad/ hard side of parenting.

It would be a different experience if your children's father wasn't behaving as a passenger/ lodger. It will also get easier - the people who tell you it gets harder endlessly are arseholes who love nothing better than Schadenfreude and adding to the worries of those already struggling to try to push them over the edge. Generally parents have phases theyre good at and phases they struggle with, which are about the parent's personality as well as the children. Some people sail through things others struggle with (small baby no sleep stage for example, but then struggle with a pretty average teen because they as a parent are suited to the baby stage and unable to adjust as their child changes.)

Working outside the home no matter what you do also gives you a mental change of scene and should be used to force your useless excuse for a coparent into pulling his weight.

Good luck - give your waste of space husband a wake up call!

I have to say, as a childfree person I'm always a bit puzzled by these 'Why did nobody tell me how hard having children is?" questions.

An afternoon spent in the company of parents of young children makes it obvious that parenting is mostly relentless drudgery - being constantly interrupted to pick little fingers out of electrical outlets, changing stinky nappies, being unable to have an adult conversation due to the constant noise and demands on your attention. Plus, having to plan any social event as though it were a military expedition, and the generally all-consuming nature of parenthood. I could see all that - in addition to seeing the joys that my friends experience from their children - and decided it very much wasn't for me.

So I really disagree that the downsides of parenthood are hidden away. They are very much there on display, every time you go to a supermarket and see a frazzled mum with a screaming kid. But people tend to see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear. If a friend had told you "Look, I know you're considering having a kid, but my strong advice is don't do it as it's just endless drudgery!" would you have believed them? Or decided that it might be like that for her, but that it would be different for you?

Do you think you’re maybe doing too much things for them all? Not at reception but later on there comes a time when it’s up to them to remember their coat, their bag. What kind of things are you doing with them weekend? Do whatever you can to make your life easier - take them for a walk maybe and then kick your husband downstairs to supervise them while you chill out in your room for a bit - in fact you should have one weekend day when you do what you want and he can have the other.

It does get easier, it does get more fun - I have found it does anyway - but cut every corner you can and offload every job you can

Do it. Go away for a week, two weeks even. Go and stay somewhere by yourself, let your DH sort the kids, and just take a break from it all. I expect it will put everything into perspective for your DH if not for yourself.

Well what lucky children you have, with one parent who ignores their existence and another who actively wishes they didn’t exist. Yet they’re the only ones in this scenario who are truly innocent, because they had no choice about whether to be born or not.

If you hated parenting so much then you absolutely should have done something about it before consigning a second child to the same fate. On the off chance you are depressed, get some help FGS and try to turn this around before it starts impacting on your children; presuming it hasn’t already.

speak to your DH about how you feel... think about how he can help you out. (He is a man after all and might not be aware of your struggles!)

As generally having kids, they are incredibly complex little humans. They look up to you for guidance as well as wanting to be independent! Which quite rightly can turn them into little s*!

Celebrate the small things... both DC are at school & they cope with being in a classroom, they can dress themselves, have an opinion .... and so much more!

There was a long thread about this not so long ago, lots of parents do regret their children. If it would help to read others stories and how they cope and make things better just googling 'I regret my children' will bring up many articles. There is also a subreddit called regretful parents which gives a lot of good advice.