To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

@Jumpingkangeroo exactly it's not black and white and so many jobs are average earnings and as you said not exactly much to lose! Hardly a huge gamble from say a massively high up career or something....

If you feel the need to say things like that (on either side) then you are not secure in your own choices.

I often wonder this too as there is concern for a strangers finances then there is concern verging on obsessing and telling people how to live

Who's telling people how to live?

[quote turquoisecarpet]@GeorginaTheGiant I did try to drop one day. When I was refuse I moved to another ft role only to be refused again. By this time my dc has started school. That was very difficult to manage. Nursery years were actually much easier than finding wrap around care. I lived in a commuter town. No work locally so commute was only option for good salary. I was out the home minimum 12 hours a day. Good on you for going four days a week but I would have been happy to do that if I had found an employer willing to allow it. [/quote]
I hope I didn’t sound smug, I didn’t mean to at all-I’m well aware I’m fortunate and was just trying to answer your question. It’s shit that you weren’t able to drop even a day-do you mind me asking what kind of roles/employers that was for? Your post makes me realise I didn’t mention that is living in a city where nursery is two streets away and our jobs are both short bike rides away also helps enormously. Throw a long rural commute into the mix and it would be impossible.

It’s kind of patronising too as if being full time minimum wage on Tesco checkout is going to save you. Real world check needed for a lot of posters.

I agree. The average UK salary is £34K. Hardly going to live a financially stress free and life of luxury or retirement on that.

@GeorginaTheGiant I did try to drop one day. When I was refuse I moved to another ft role only to be refused again. By this time my dc has started school. That was very difficult to manage. Nursery years were actually much easier than finding wrap around care. I lived in a commuter town. No work locally so commute was only option for good salary. I was out the home minimum 12 hours a day. Good on you for going four days a week but I would have been happy to do that if I had found an employer willing to allow it.

[quote turquoisecarpet]@GeorginaTheGiant what do you do? I gave up my career after two jobs told me no to pt working and I searched for 2 years for a school hour job. Now that I'm in that job it's very low pay and I hate it. But I darent give it up.
OP I think you're being financially abused. You sound like you'd be better speaking about this in RL. At least go and see or speak to a solicitor who offers free half hour. They do exist. [/quote]
I’ll be vague but I’m in a type of consultancy. My employer is pretty open to flexible working but it definitely helps that Dh and I established ourselves in our companies then asked to drop a day. Finding professional roles that are part time from the outset can be much harder. And dropping one day is less of a big deal than asking to work three days a week, term time only for example. As you have found, school hours only jobs are like gold dust so will never pay well because they will have applicants lined up.

@Jumpingkangeroo I’m jealous of many things in life but I can honestly say there’s not a bone in my body that’s jealous of a SAHP. It’s a viable option for me as my husband’s full time salary would cover our costs but the idea sends shivers of horror up my spine. I’m really not that invested in what choices other people make because it’s not my life-making passing comment on an issue that has been raised on a discussion forum really isn’t ‘obsessing’ about something or telling anyone how to live! And I repeat the point that it’s misguided to assume that most women are well informed about the real and long term implications of giving up work. I’m surprised any Mumsnet poster isn’t aware of quite how many women sleep walk into horrible financial positions, it’s a recurring theme on the boards every day!

I’m glad I stayed home with my kids. There I’ve said it. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Don’t feel sorry for me because you are worried about my poor financial planning.

'Exactly this! Especially the faux concern which is usually jealousy.'

I often wonder this too as there is concern for a strangers finances then there is concern verging on obsessing and telling people how to live. I think you have to do what is right for yourself and your family. I think adult women are capable of making their own life choices and are aware of the risks.

@GeorginaTheGiant what do you do? I gave up my career after two jobs told me no to pt working and I searched for 2 years for a school hour job. Now that I'm in that job it's very low pay and I hate it. But I darent give it up.
OP I think you're being financially abused. You sound like you'd be better speaking about this in RL. At least go and see or speak to a solicitor who offers free half hour. They do exist.

I do think that people for the most part have a lot more agency over their job choices than they like to make out (particularly men) and that there are very few people who genuinely have no other choice than very long hours of childcare all week or a SAHP.

And we’re on a discussion forum aimed at mums....is it not reasonable to be having some healthy discussion and debate about these issues? I know I have learned a huge amount from them and I (wrongly) considered myself quite well informed! No obsessing here, just chat, and if you have no interest then there’s an obvious solution!

So much bemusement!

I'm always a bit bemused by people that seem to spend far more time than seems entirely reasonable obsessing over other people's choices, and how others might be perceiving their choices.

Get on with your own bloody lives people! We all make our choices, we all either enjoy or suffer the consequences of those choices. And I think most of us enjoy sufficient intelligence and capacity to be able to see the obvious risks and sacrifices attached to our choices.

I am always bemused that people can’t think beyond their 9-5 role and that some people might work shifts and that two people working unpredictable shifts or on call with no family help might find it impossible.

It’s no one else’s business, I don’t care what other people do or pretend to on the basis of spurious financial concerns for strangers.

Im always bemused by SAHPs who seem to be under the impression that having a career automatically means your children are in childcare from dawn until dusk five days per week. I’m sure that’s the case for some people but it’s really not for me or most people I know, and we have zero family help. My husband and I both work four days per week, which we decided before conceiving would be the arrangement. So kids are in nursery three days out of seven. I do drop off at 8am and he does pick up by 5pm on those days-he works his day earlier than me, so that he is finished by then.

I’m very aware that we’re fortunate to have roles that allow this but it’s perfectly possible for many other people too. Working four days each allows us both to progress our careers as we’re still taken seriously in our workplaces and the children still have more days at home with us than not. Win win.

Sometimes I think that some SAHPs prefer the narrative that a career would mean never seeing their kids, in order to justify the choice, but it’s really not the case. And anyway there’s no need to justify a choice that’s perfectly valid (if highly unwise in my opinion!)

And OP, please please listen to the good advice you’re receiving on here, your position is the stuff of nightmares for women but you’re young enough that you can turn it around. You need to believe in yourself but that will require ignoring everything your dick of a husband has drummed into you about your lack of worth. It’s not true.

Camobag

PLEASE go see a lawyer as a first step and get some knowledge. You lack power in this relationship and knowledge IS power.

You don't need to start divorce proceedings. But you WILL KNOW your options . At the moment you no nothing. You can't make any decisions without knowing your options .

You would also be showing you kids that women don't have to be beholden to a man because YOU enable his earnings by caring for HIS kids...

How much would he have to pay to have his kids looked after if you were 'run over by a bus' ?? How much would he be able to squirrel away after paying a nanny, cook, cleaner, gardener etc ?

Time to be brave and show your children how strong you are !

@CayrolBaaaskin: @CurlyhairedAssassin - of course there are some people who cannot have flexibility in their jobs. That’s not all high earners though and ime women tend to ask for flexibility and men do not because they do not want to have to do childcare etc. I’m not sure from your post whether or not your ex wanted to participate equally in your dcs life but it doesn’t seem like it.

I'm not sure if you're getting me mixed up with someone else. DH and I are still very much together. We both work FT now, he has worked for the last 20 years in a very inflexible role which is quite specialist and outside "the norm". When he IS here, he's always been very hands on. He's just not actually physically here very often and he has no say in that whatsoever. It's hte nature of the role. He could leave and retrain in a more family friendly career I suppose but that would mean starting at the bottom, so we both wouldn't be happy with that, household income-wise. We started a family in the knowledge that the bulk of the childcare and house stuff would fall to me, and we were both happy with that. He is not on a 6 figure salary, no.

I sincerely hope this isn't real.

If it is, you need to face this head on and see it for what it is. This has absolutely nothing to do with SAHP being lazy because some will be and some WOTH parents are lazy. It's irrelevant.

What is relevant, is your financial situation. I can never understand - generally women - on these posts saying how many thousands of pounds their partners earn but they have to ask for any small scrap! Why do you tolerate this?

Why on earth would you want to stay with a partner that abuses their financial position so much and doesn't even contribute to the household chores or childcare? I honestly don't get it!

Sit him down and tell him what you want, or tell him you're going. He'll have to pay out one way or the other but I'd personally talk first.

You shouldn't have to live like this and from your posts, I can't see what his charm or attraction is 🤷🏻‍♀️