To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

@dontdisturbmenow why should it be all about finances? We live in a world we’re we are all forced to think that we need more money, a bigger car, a better holiday, a fancy house. Mostly these things don’t make us happy, perhaps momentarily. Maybe some people value time and experiences more? Maybe some people make choices to stay at home for totally different reasons that you and I would even consider? Maybe it isn’t all hinged on bring better off in the long run.

"her dh wanting dinner on the table at the same time."

Her dh can cook dinner
When he gets home
Just like other peopke who work outside home
Or they soend his £££ on fancy pre packed mesks on busy days or employ someone

”'I dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist'”

There’s no point engaging with narrow-mindedness like this because some people are just starting to think about things (very slowly) and they haven’t yet been able to apply some snippet from their fascinating A-level textbook into real life. Probably they never will.

The wholehe argument that it's not worth working because of the cost of childcare totally fell to co sider that kids start secondary school before you know it.

The mum whose continued to work through out is likely to have seen her income increase in that time and therefore the family will be in a much better financial position when in addition, there'll be a big saving in childcare costs, not withstanding her pension contribution during that time.

The sahm is much more likely to go back to work PT as the transition from sahm for years to ft will be a lot and more like to earn less comparatively to what she earned before with no savings in childcare. The fsmy will be a bit better off, but nowhere near the other family.

'The definition of feminism should be a woman doing for herself what brings her joy, and makes her feel confident and respected as an individual'

This ^

08:22GoldfishParade

' dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist'

What a narrow minded anti feminist view in itself!

@GoldfishParade wow. In fact, to suggest that women “should” do anything other than what they feel is right for them and their families is anti-feminist, in my opinion. The definition of feminism should be a woman doing for herself what brings her joy, and makes her feel confident and respected as an individual....judgments and insinuations coming from some women are just not helpful and you don’t know everyone’s circumstances or choices.

OP

You’re choice of thread title makes me wonder if your husband has told you you’re lazy?

I would hardly call what is happening here as
relying on a man for money.

It is more that the dh is relying on his wife to take full responsibility for everything to do with the children whilst he swans in and out of the house with no input into family life apart from paying out £600 per month to maintain a facade of a happily married family man

If you work 7.30-5.30 then I expect that your salary covers the 3 hours childcare for wrap around care.
Around here that £6 per hour per child. (Friend does it) 2 children and you are looking at £36 per day.
Then there is lunches and travel and the added expenses of childcare in the holidays. Then you take off tax and national insurance and just to be in the same position as she is now would involve her finding a job on at least £25,000 per year.
On top of that she would keep on doing all the cleaning and cooking and if one of the children is off sick then all the pack of cards would come tumbling down.

Also I doubt she could work so late if it meant the children arriving back from the child minders with her at 7.30pm at night at their ages and her dh wanting dinner on the table at the same time.

Sometimes it isn’t about being lazy but sour practicalities

Like everyone else, I’d be more concerned about the fact you have to ask your husband for money.

I dont respect SAHMs when I meet them thats for sure, because I see them as anti feminist

I hope @Camobag comes back and let’s us know if she’s taken any of this advice. According to this Financial Times article, nannies take home around £432 for a 42 hour week. Maybe show this to your stingy husband.

www.ft.com/content/89eef0bd-278a-4460-af61-60ab69ad31bb

Yes I think SAHM are lazy. Once your children go to school there’s no excuse for not working.

I usually work full time (out of house 7.30 to 5.30 with collecting kids etc) and due to furlough and the kids being back at school I’ve had a taster of what it’s like to be a sahm.

I am so bored, even with having more time to do housework and cook, I’m still meeting friends every day and reading constantly to fill my time. It’s so boring. I would never rely on man for money.

It’s all very well talking about “paid childcare,”

Exactly. High earning jobs are rarely, if ever, 9-5 (I’ve never know anyone in that bracket who works ‘normal’ hours). I know a single mum who is very high earner (far more than 100k) but a full time nanny was a necessity. Take a nanny’s wage out of your 100k salary and suddenly you’re not so wealthy after all. Suddenly that work becomes quite valuable to a single parent, and it has a price. I can’t believe there are posters here suggesting this might not be financially abusive. I really hope the op LTB, though it’s annoying he’ll never learn the true value of what you do as I suspect he’ll have no interest in being a full time dad when it costs him 30k + per year to facilitate it!

Oh wow. OP I feel for you. Your other thread feels like a textbook example of why we need rights for women in the workplace, why we need to close the wage gap, why we need to stop putting the burden on women to look after children.

It’s all very well being dependent on a man if he’s a nice man but if he’s not you’re buggered.

OP I know what you mean about feeling “entitled” but the truth is you are. He’s abused you financially and he owes you a hell of a lot of money to date.

[quote PorridgeGoneWrong]OP,
Was this you, back in February?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3823768-Is-this-financial-abuse-Or-am-I-just-being-spoiled?postsby=Breathingunderwater&fromid=93958502[/quote]
It's you OP. And people told you all the same things there.
well above 100K salary and you can't even go to dentist? Your husband is massively financially abusive and you would be better off divorced.

Have a read of this article.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/so-happy-together/201706/who-controls-the-purse-strings

OP,
Was this you, back in February?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3823768-Is-this-financial-abuse-Or-am-I-just-being-spoiled?postsby=Breathingunderwater&fromid=93958502

No.

@innerspinner I don’t know if this is true. I live in an area (countryside) where a huge proportion of women are SAH, none of which are with high earning husbands. I moved from a city fairly recently and there I knew many other women from very modest backgrounds choosing to stay at home, they were more what you would call ‘crunchy’ parents though, but still wanting the same thing, to be home with their kids. I would say incomes were pretty average £30k but they took the financial hit of no holidays and tight purse strings to do what suited them, I guess. at the time I ran toddler groups so came across many women in this bracket.

I don't think the advice to be mindful especially if you aren't married is a bad one though, some women are naive to that, and everyone should make their choices fully informed.

Everyone just needs to do what's best for them and their families, that will be different for everyone. Personally I enjoyed going back to work and having more of a balance, I did 3 days and was fortunate enough to earn more in those 3 days than a lot do full time; but I realise not many people have that option. I did so for me, I could have stayed at home, we don't need to justify ourselves whatever our choices. The key is whether we have a choice or not, for those who have forced to either work or stay home beyond their control and aren't happy with that choice, that's where it is sad.

Well yes, this is exactly it Alongcameacat. People talk as if you can waltz out of a marriage on an average wage and just seamlessly get a mortgage and carry on. Well, that depends where you live. Try getting anything in most of London on that kind of money. You’d have to up sticks and move out.

In areas where there are a higher proportion of women who SAH - well, to be perfectly frank, they live in houses worth at least several million and the family will have other property and investments too. So they’re not thinking, “think god I’ve got that job.” They are all highly educated women and they are astute enough to understand their financial situations. As if they would risk their children’s futures. They are the last people to need concern from anyone, to be perfectly honest.

I’m not saying their circumstances are “normal” in terms of the national demographic. Not at all, but the fact is, this kind of set up is most definitely normal in areas with a high proportion of SAHMs.

I think it’s 75% of mums who work these days to some degree or other. This is because most families need two incomes in this day and age. So SAHMs are increasingly a rarity - mostly, these days, they are in high-asset families. They are not relying on “his” income because they are not dim and obviously that would go with the DH if they divorced. There has to be more certainty than that.

Put it this way, no woman I know gives up her career unless she is damn sure that she and her kids could walk away from a marriage in a stronger financial position than she walked into it. This is the bottom line.

Which is why it’s so shocking when you hear about women living on allowances. Or even married couples who both work, but do the “my” money, “his” money thing, so that they effectively have different spending capacities under the same roof and even after they share children together. And it’s usually the woman who gets the worse deal here, of course - yet, so many seem to have been brainwashed into thinking living on less than your husband is “independence.” Yay!

doing^

Oh I wasnt aware a hardworking sahm looking after young children full time who aren't in school saving the family a fortune in childcare costs is a 'kept woman.' I better tell dh is isn't a good enough job at 'keeping' me than