To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

No not lazy and you are a fool to let your husband treat you like this. You shouldn't have hardly any money if your husband earns 100k. You have lost your potential to ever earn as much as him because you have been out of work. If your husband has that kind of money he should have been paying in to a pension for you and provide you with enough money to enjoy life in the same way he does. Also what happens if in a few years he turns around and divorces you and you have nothing? While you are looking after his children you should be enjoying the same lifestyle as him

OP as others have pointed out whether SAHMs are lazy or not isn't really the point. The point is that your wealthy husband is financially abusive and doesn't give you enough to live on and you seem to think this is "fair".

I don't think SAHMs are lazy for what its worth but your post does very clearly suggest to me that you need to get a job, both for your financial security and your self-esteem.

Sounds like financial abuse.

To answer your question though: no sahm mums aren’t inherently lazy just because they choose to stay at home. If children are preschool age I think it’s easier to be the working parent. If children are school age then it’s easier to be the stay at home parent. But I imagine you take all the household mental load from housework, to organising doctors appointments, keeping on top of school forms and the school calendar, organising your family’s social life etc. So you are taking a huge burden from your husband.

What you don’t want is to look back in 20 years and realise that you’ve never been a team with your husband. You’ve accommodated and allowed his career accomplishments and he becomes richer and richer while you stay poor and could never have the same earning potential as him. Meanwhile he doesn’t appreciate or even acknowledge your contribution over the years and the house, his assets- that’s all his achievements and in his opinion nothing to do with you. It’s happened to women I know and they all think they’ve wasted their life and career on a man who never appreciated their sacrifices.

Nothing wrong with being a sahm but don’t be one to support a stingy and unappreciative man- that’s thankless and a waste of your potential.

You seem oddly grateful for being allowed to give up your independence, earning potential, pension contributions and autonomy in order to be treated like an inferior dependent by your husband. Presumably you wanted to be home with your children and not out at work enough to make that an acceptable sacrifice and presumably your husband would have preferred you out at work, hence his treatment of you now?

If partner brings home a huge wage and you don’t need the money then I understand why people would chose not to work.

Once the children go to school though, obviously sahm have a lot more free time than working mums, therefore working mums have it harder without a shadow of a doubt.

Why don’t you share all money? He can only earn that much as you do all the childcare.

No not when they have young children, pre school age, it's hard work!

I do wonder what SAHP with school age children do all day every day, but at the same time in the primary years the school day doesn't really allow for a "normal" hours job.

OP your situation doesn't sound fair. Why should you have no money and your DP have loads, surely it's family money?

Oh OP, he needs to give you access to the family money.
You need a joint account. How dare he treat you like an employee he gets to have sex with?

@ReeseWitherfork

Not that spoilt either. If our circumstances changed or DH wasn’t happy with the arrangement, I would get a job. As it stands, no-one’s complaining.

I work part time so see both sides. There are positives and negatives to each. My sil is a sahm and gets an allowance for her and her son for a month. If they need anything whilst out with bil he buys it, otherwise sil uses the allowance. Her ds is on primary school age so I would say she does have it easy compared to a sahm of toddlers.

Your situation is not anything to do with whether sahm's are lazy but more so that your dh does not value you as much as he should. You have a dh problem. I woild be sitting down and discussing how you feel with him. I would definitely be looking for any work possible as having a partner who would allow the other to financially struggle is awful. Best of luck to you.

Sorry just saw your subsequent post saying he gives you money? What is the money he gives you meant to cover? Food, petrol? Can you tell us roughly how much it is?

There’s a lot to unpick in your post. In answer to your question, no I don’t think they are lazy.

However, you clearly have a very low opinion of what you’re contributing to your own household as you don’t seem to think you’re entitled to the family pot of money which you’re facilitating your husband earning. Which begs the question why you have chosen to do it. It’s beyond me why anyone would voluntarily give up their financial independence and rely on a measly allowance from a high earning husband. That’s either insanity or abuse, one or the other. You are in a horrible position, surely you can see that? How are the dynamics in your marriage generally because it seems to me like you’re being treated like a child and not an equal, are you actually ok with this set up?

No I don't because my husband is the SAHP.

I will be honest, when our youngest goes to school next year I don't want him to get a PT job. I like my house being clean so that I have to do minimal housework, I like the laundry being done even if I have to put it away. I like that I haven't washed a dish since 2013, I like that he is at the beck and call of the various schools and that he has my dinner on the table each night.

The man is anything but lazy.

I think if anyone called them lazy it would be a sweeping generalisation. Being a SAHM doesn’t make you lazy by default.

(Some of them sound spoilt though: can’t see the point of working so do things that are more enjoyable )

Wow. Sounds like your "D"H has really done a number on you.

No I don't think SAHM are lazy, I've worked on and off through the years, depending on what worked best for our family. It can be very difficult working whilst having small children, especially at the moment. It's concerning that you say your DH gives you and your children a set amount of money. That's not right at all

The lazy discussion is irrelevant.

What is your situation? Do you have access to money? Does he give you an allowance? Do you go without necessities? Can you ask him for money?

I'm a sahm of school age dc...dh is not an especially high earner...he gives me money and always asks if I have enough.

It's not family money if you have no access to it and he gives you an allowance like parent to a child. I don't get how you can have a marriage, household and children and not to have money, while the other partner sits on his 6 figure income.

I don't think sahms of preschool children are lazy, no.

I'm worried that you say you have hardly any money. Married couples normally have their money as family money (even if it's in separate bank accounts). Do you mean that you have no spending money while he has loads? Or do you mean that his salary is taken up by large outgoings like mortgage, bills, etc and there's not much left for either of you to have fun money? The first scenario is financial abuse, the second is just life for many of us. Think carefully about whether it really is as fair as you think. If you were the high earner while he stayed at home, would you spend all the money on you or would you share it with him?

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

That’s what it sounds like to me too.