To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

clearly I'm a lazy fucker!

One thing that makes a huge difference to free time when working is location & commute so I acknowledge I have it very easy in that sense. The school is 100 metres from my home, the common where I can exercise is at the end of my road. My office is a 15 min walk away & DH is a short tube ride although obviously now wfh although we did an element of this before. Plus we have gps very close by who like to help out. We considered moving further out a few yrs ago but actually life would be less convenient & we would have less time. One of my friends spends about 3 hours a day getting various dc to & from school, which would drive me insane.

@Alongcameacat he does about 4 days a week on average as his work is project based.

What do you & your DH do?

@HandfulofDust but I don't assume all SAHMs are a homogeneous bunch with the same experiences. What your describing is only the reality for some SAHMs. For example, my friend who is a SAHM with 4 dc including a baby has a lot less free time than my friend who works but has 1 school aged dc. I'm sure some people are jealous but I think it's too simplistic to label everyone as so & assumes everyone wants that path as some posters seem to assume.

Plus lots of us have different values, I enjoy work & my colleagues & find the holidays (Im virtually TTO) to be more stressful! I'm not trying to appear superior in anyway, my mum was a SAHM for a long time & i'm sure I mentioned upthread I had 14 months off with each DC & originally went back 2 days a week, they are both of school age now. I feel I have enough time for my hobbies/dc but equally appreciate some time out from them particularly after lockdown!

I work p/t as that's a good balance for me.

Does your DH work part time too?

@pollypork

Lots of people would be jealous of sahm because they have more free time, more time with their kids, more opportunities to pursue hobbies, don't have to deal with office politics or the stress of work. Sahm might also be jealous of career women.

Pretending that you genuinely can't see the advantages of someone else's lifestyle (even if you genuinely wouldn't want it for yourself) is incredibly unconvincing and makes you look a little too desperate to appear superior.

Adults generally are capable of knowing and accepting risks for themselves.

I think the jealously thing is quite an old fashioned view. My peers and I could likely not work but we all quite like our jobs, so it's not just a financial decision. I certainly like mine & am good at it. I work p/t as that's a good balance for me.

A lot of supermarkets pay more than minimum wage now, Sainsbury's is around £20k per year if you work full time. The issue is that a lot do zero hour or very low hour contracts and top up with overtime but that isn't guaranteed, and the shifts can change last minute without much notice.

most people who start on minimum wage at checkouts are usually not still there 20 years later. If you want to go back to work after 20 year break though, then yes that's indeed where you might need to start

I would say most are in my area as well.

You could go back to work, so childcare would be needed. He could give you a higher allowance. Or he could pay for more stuff, like all the food and clothes. So your current allowance would cover for activities for the children and yourself, or other things you need and want

I think this has already been broached and the attitude is if Camobag goes back to work then it will be her responsibility to pay for childcare and he would reduce her £600 she earns over that amount accordingly. Hence me saying she would have to get a job on £25000 per annum just to stay in the same position and would still have all the cooking and cleaning to do when she gets home.

The only way out of this is divorce and being a single parent.

It would prove more lucrative and be less stressful than staying

It will also mean that she will be teaching her children a good lesson in life.
If they are boys not to be selfish to the mother of their children and treat them like an equal and if girls to value themselves and not put up with Shit for £600 per month and to be an equal partner in their marriage

The lessons they learn from you divorcing will make them happier in their lives.

Staying. What will that teacher them?

@Jumpingkangeroo you didn't tell what I'm supposed to be jealous of though?

most people who start on minimum wage at checkouts are usually not still there 20 years later. If you want to go back to work after 20 year break though, then yes that's indeed where you might need to start.

@Jumpingkangeroo I don't think any posters on this thread have life missions do you? Surely they are just providing an opinion on a forum same as you.

As a sahm I don't feel like I'm lazy. However I can see how to an outsider it could look that way. I have a one year old who would rather run around than sit and play with me, so to people that aren't in my household that can look like I get all the time in the world to sit around, drink tea and watch tele. The truth is, I actually spend 90% of my day running around after her, stopping her from climbing over the sofa, or roly pollying off the coffee table. Climbing into the window, pulling my tv off the stand. The other 10% is spent tidying, laundry, cooking, cleaning.
I was also very aware that when my dh and I were discussing having children, and potentially making the switch from a full time job to being a stay at home, that if anything was to go badly with my marriage I could be up shits creek without a paddle. So I started saving, I have enough money in savings that I would be okay for a while if our marriage ended. Yes it wouldn't be forever, and I would have to get a job, so I also ensure I keep up to date with my qualifications for my career. It will always be a risk to be solely reliant on one person in the household, but for me that risk is worth it. (Dd also have a few medical problems so working right now isn't really feasible for me as I spend a lot of time at hospital appointments, or at least phone consultations at the moment)

Definitely have a LTB, £160k salary and you’ve to feed and clothe everyone on £600pm?? Has he no fuckin shame? sitting on his pile of cash whilst you scrape by.

It’s just so strange that it would be the life mission of a working parent to ‘educate’ SAHM. Almost patronising.
Still if one thinks that a minimum wage job on the checkouts is going to ease your path through life, so be it.

Well I would say that's wrong because I don't believe everyone is fully aware of the risks & like most things in life people don't expect it to happen to them.

The jealously angle intrigues me, what are we supposed to be jealous of?

I do agree with PP about the insecurity masquerading as faux concern. I had friends like that that were 'very cobcerbed' for me when I gave up my career for a few years. I do think some women are in a vulnerable financial position but I definitely wasn't one of them. I'm highly qualified in a very in demand role with large savings. I really didn't need their career advice (the people in question didn't work in my field and had no idea about it).

That said I don't think it's only working mums who feel insecure. I've also met sahm who make similar 'I'm just concerned' comments to working mum's, probably due to insecurity so I do think it works both ways.

Accepting the risk isn't the same as not knowing the risk exists.

I don't understand your point. You're saying that all women & it is still largely women who chose to SAH are aware of the risks so therefore people shouldn't highlight the risks because it comes from a place of faux concern & jealousy?

Well I would like to aim for something akin to the models in the Netherlands/Skandi countries as opposed to utopia.

As others have said this is a big issue & I would prefer a system where women who wanted to work could afford too & women who wanted to stay at home could afford too & parents who wanted more of a balance could also afford too.

That would be ideal, for both men and women, of course. However, we don't live in Utopia, and are unlikely ever to do so. So we'll just have to cut our coat according to our cloth.

I think most stay at home parents are aware that shit can and does happen, in any marriage, and that it could very easily happen in theirs. I've a very happy marriage, that I feel very secure in, but I'm aware that DH might suddenly decide the grass is greener, and there is always an element of risk. Accepting the risk isn't the same as not knowing the risk exists.

Why does it matter to you if they feel like making a sacrifice to have time with their kids now might mean not as financially stable later
It doesn't matter to me at all, but I'm tired of reading on FB or hearing the parents of kids that went to school with mine, kids now adults, moaning about how shit life is because they are stuck in low level jobs having to contemplate working for another 20 years, those who resent families who have paid their mortgage at 50 when they will still paying until they are 60 or more, and worse, those who have separated and are so bitter that although they got the house in the divorce, they can't afford the repayments now that they don't get tax credits and maintenance for their kids any longer and moan they will have to move in a small place, away from the nice area they lived for 25 years.

I've met sahm who were super mums who ran their house and family like a business. Always on the go from 6am to 10pm and calling them lazy would be a laugh.

I've also known sahm who were lazy, up as late as possible, back on the sofa the moment the kids are at school, doing minimal housework until time to get the kids, not bothering with homework, putting some nuggets in the oven, and sending the kids to bed by 6pm.

But that no different to workers, there are very hard working people and lazy ones. SAHM can't be labeled as lazy nor all workers as hard working.

SAHP are most definitively lazy if they do the childcare. And they are superstars if they do most of the housework too! It is a hard job.
I think you need to speak to your husband about it. And tell him that you need more money. And lay the options. You could go back to work, so childcare would be needed. He could give you a higher allowance. Or he could pay for more stuff, like all the food and clothes. So your current allowance would cover for activities for the children and yourself, or other things you need and want.
If you do not have a mortgage and are not investing massive amount of money somewhere, that should be quite easy for him indeed.
You are equal to him OP. He is your life partner, the children are as his as yours. Do not be shy or coy to talk to him.
And if he really does not treat you as his equal, then he should be an ex.