To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

I'm a SAHM.

I've had full access to our bank account ever since I went on maternity leave 30 years ago and DH changed his account to a joint one.

If we need something big, we discuss it between us.

I'm not lazy either, I've done voluntary work since my youngest was in Playgroup. I doubt there's many of us that are.

OP, I have read all of your posts, but not what others have said, so this may have been suggested.

Claim child benefit, it covers your state pension contributions and allow your husband to repay it through his tax return.

Clearly you are not lazy, I was a SAHM for 7 years and loved all of it. I did everything and the weekends were all fun. I now work full time and we spend on cleaner, and childminder. My husband contributes more to the chores and childcare and everything feels much more equal. Overall I am happier.

You shouldn’t be struggling.

I would get a job OP and work out childcare for your own sanity and pension etc... WOHMs are also SAHMs as they have a job, plus they do the same daily jobs as SAHMs. At least I do. I work 50+ hours but still juggle everything with DH. I can't imagine what the life of a SAHM is like. I often feel sorry for them - looks like very little mental stimulation.

I’m a stay at home mum. My children are teenagers now and don’t need me at home as such. I’m far from lazy. I’m busy all day, mostly housework. I doubt I’ll ever go back to work full time now.

You'll be better off getting a divorce.

Anything he earns while you’re taking care of children and housework is also at least partly yours, because you enabled the earning.

Hmm. These types of comments annoy me. My dh has had friends ask them what I do all day with a cleaner coming twice a week and an au pair. We have 3 kids and a dog. I get so annoyed when people think I must relax all day. Sure I have it easier then some. But I’m actually very involved with my kids. Mornings start 6am with the baby. Au pair takes over baby at 7am while I quickly get ready and wake the Older kids by 7:20aM. Help them to get ready (reminding them many times to put their clothes on! Brush teeth, hair etc). Kids down for breakfast w au pair and I take over baby for a bit. Then I pass baby back to au pair and take older kids and dog for the school run. I return by 9am and feed dog. Take over baby. Play w her a bit, breastfeed her, settle her for nap. Go down and have a quick breakfast. Tidy, do some admin (buy things needed online for kids, pay bills, book appointments). Baby wakes....and lets skip to evening. After I get the baby to bed by 7pm. I have dinner. And then I’m now getting the older kids ready for bed, reading w them etc. The middle one sleeps 8:30ish. The older one 9:15/30! So it’s a long busy day. I then have about 30 mins of me time before the baby wakes for a breastfeed. Then I go to bed because I’m tired and she usually wakes again at 3am.

So please tell me, does this sound like a lazy SAHM?!

All the stay at home mums in my circle/among my peers, were a bit nuts within 2 years. I don't think it suits many people anymore (I include stay at home parents of all genders in that).

I'm another who says get a job and leave him. Your husband is abusive and he would abuse you if you sat on your ass all day eating chocolate and watching TV, or if you ran a Fortune 500 company. I have done many things during my 25 year marriage. I have been a full time employee, I have run my own business, I have been a SAHM and I currently work part time earning fuck all at a job I love. My husband has never, ever treated me as anything other than his partner and has treated me as such regardless of how much I earn. Don't you think you deserve the same treatment from the man who claims to love you?

Have you posted before OP? I hope so as I would dread to think of more women in this situation.
Your husband is not only financially abusing you but his own children.
Presumably out of the £4700 a month that remains to him he pays the household bills and then the rest he just keeps?
I agree with PP that divorce would see you in a much better position financially.
Could you afford a place of your own with half the equity?

I imagine that like myself and many of my friends, you facilitate your husband’s earning potential and your family’s wellbeing by being a sahm.

Until Covid, most people I know making over £100k a year or more work very long days, commute, travel and are required to be available most of the time. If you have a young family this means you either have a full time live in nanny, or the other parent stays at home.

People have to do what’s right for them but I find it astonishing and very sad that any parent at home would not feel entitled to be financially equal with the one earning. You are currently not earning because you are a sahm, not because you are lazy.

Sorry I don't understand how you can say in the same sentence "my husband earns over 100k... But I have hardly any money" erm no you have over 100k, you've been raising his children (I assume they're his) so why is it mine and yours particularly if you don't work? Surely your bank account is joint and you just have family money? You are very silly to go along with this setup if he keeps all the money and throws you bits of change.

I think being a sahp is tough, I have done 2 X 12 months mat leave and I found it harder than work. It's relentless. My husband works ft but still came home and pulled his weight but even still it's harder than I had imagined looking after kids and a house. I found I craved adult company and not that you get at those god awful groups where you sit around singing to a disinterested baby 😆! Like adult conversation!!

Divorce him and go for half. Your post is very sad.

However, £200 disposable income per month after fuel and food costs isn't shabby either.

It's not disposable income, she also needs to buy clothes for herself and her DC out of that, haircuts, days out etc. And he's on 6 figures, no mortgage, buying him whatever whenever he fancies. If he also had 60 quid for his clothes, hair and entertainment, then fair enough, but he does not.

If you both agreed to you being at home he should have been paying into a pension For you
Get that sorted ASAP without a job
How much is your monthly pocket money? Are you sure you are not financially abused?

Your husband is financially abusing you op. The children are not just your responsibility.

You are absolutely not lazy. It's a full time job.

Also, maybe I'm being paranoid but not giving you money is pretty worrying. My ex-stepdad used to do that sort of thing to my mum.

I'm sorry op but you really are in a financially abusive marriage - look up the definition if you don't believe us.

I'm not trying to boast but just hoping to get you to realise what is 'normal'. My fiancé earns just over £30k and we have a mortgage yet I still spend more than u each month. And the money isn't viewed as 'his' - its viewed as family money and therefore we have a joint account and I have access to everything.

Your comment about 'not living so long' as your 'only option' sounds deeply worrying - I think you need to talk to someone you can trust. Is there anyone in real life who u can turn to for support/ advice. You deserve more than the way your husband treats you

so basically he works two days a month to pay you and keeps the rest, that is horrendous. we only have family money no allowances/pocket money and OH takes out the least amount and contributes to the household cooking cleaning etc. I think you need to seek legal advice.

This is not about SAHMs being 'lazy' - it's about the shocking way your DH treats you. I was a SAHM for 12 years (joint decision by DH & I) but I had full access to our joint bank account & DH earned a lot less than your DH but I didn't have to rely on an 'allowance', if I wanted something, and the money was there I didn't need to ask 'permission'. We are both financially responsible adults and can check the balance and know what our budget can cope with; I also made sure I continued to pay (from my DH's salary if you are being pedantic) my NI contributions to protect my pension.

Do you really love someone who treats you like this?

I'd get a job and then divorce him.

^^ this!! You would be much better off divorced, not only financially but probably your well-being too.

He sounds financially abusive.

Also that he does nothing for kids, even when you had a job outside of the home

Fucking patriarchal marriage roles

Never judge until you've walked a mile in somebody else's shoes...

I work full time and always have. It is, in my view, much harder to look after toddlers all day. Once the kids are in school it’s probably easier to stay home. Mine are now in uni and sixth form and I think my retired DH has a much easier life than me.