Page 18 | To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

Camobag · 2020-09-29T17:37:44+00:00

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm. I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house. Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

gamerchick · 29/09/2020 20:51

Plus child benefit to pay towards your pension.

thedifferentlive · 29/09/2020 20:51

Do you love him? It sounds like you are in difficult position. Be smart here. Speak with the lawyer and ask what evidence you need to collect. Quietly collect the evidence and divorce him. He doesn't treat you well and it will not change until you divorce him or separate.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 29/09/2020 20:50

Oh OP I really feel sad for you. You have such low self esteem.
My DH is also a really high earner, and I am on a stipend (studying).. paying out way more in childcare than I bring in - but I’m investing in my future and don’t think being a SAHM is for me. We discuss big financial purchases together and treat money as shared family money. I do think that’s how it should be once you have kids.
V practically, you are doing all the housework, all the childcare, those are easily jobs that together cost people £20-30k a year. If you divorced him, you would receive child support, or he would have to pay for 50% childcare and you would have half the week to work. How is your current situation fair at all?

Newmumatlast · 29/09/2020 20:50

Tbh I thought this - sounds unemployed. Unless of course keeping the home for some of the time in which case part time sahp. But that's pretty much everyone

UserABCDE12345 · 29/09/2020 20:49

You definitely need a job if that's all your husband earns.

gamerchick · 29/09/2020 20:49

@Camobag

I know if I found a job he’d take back that £600 - I have worked since having the children but only part time and my take home was only about £900, which by the time I’d paid for before and after school for three days a week meant I was only slightly better off than I was when I wasn’t working.

If you seperated you would probably get more on child maintenance, as well as a break on contact days, you'll be able to claim benefits until you're back on your feet job wise and be open to find someone who treats you properly.

JoJoSM2 · 29/09/2020 20:48

Put it this way - if you left and claimed even the woeful amount of Cm the govt seems you entitled to you'd get around £1100 a month from him

And a lot of that pension pot and the house or part of. It’d finally get a bit fairer.

Newmumatlast · 29/09/2020 20:48

@ImSleepingBeauty

I’m a SAHM and no, I’m not lazy. However that’s not really what your post is about. I have a similar set up, in that my DH earns over £100k (as did I before I had DC). The decision not to return to the workplace was joint on the following basis:

we both have equal access to household income
DH’s wages fund my pension contribution every year
DC do not go into full time childcare until they are school age but do part time nursery for socialisation. DH pays for 100% of this.

There are other financial things we agreed on but this was discussed in full before I agreed to give up my job. When youngest DC is in school I will return to employment but realistically I’ll never earn the same as I did before.

OP have you addressed the unfairness of your arrangement with your DH? Have you explained how it makes you feel? Given you are married and have DC I don’t understand why you don’t have equal access to the household income.

If I might say so, this is a really sensible way to approach it. My husband and I have discussed him becoming a sahp at some point. These threads make me so sad. I would never want someone I love to feel this way.

PrivateD00r · 29/09/2020 20:47

@JoJoSM2

Kind of depends. I’m a SAHM with childcare, cleaner, gardener etc. so a lot of my time is filled with leisure-type activities. I wouldn’t say I’m lazy but can’t see the point of working so do things that are more enjoyable.

SAHMs who actually look after children all day on top of doing housework etc are very hand-working IMO.

Surely you are not a SAHM if you don't even look after kids? So not relevant to the op really.

Enterthedragons · 29/09/2020 20:46

The way your husband withholds money from you and the children is absolutely shocking. He sounds vile. You shouldn’t put up with this as it sets a bad example to your children. And Nope, SAHM’s are not lazy!

Emeraldshamrock · 29/09/2020 20:45

You'd be far better off without him.

Emeraldshamrock · 29/09/2020 20:45

It is very unfair of your DH.
DP doesn't earn anything like a 100k but shares every cent.

RunningFromInsanity · 29/09/2020 20:44

@Mamabear12

Hmm. These types of comments annoy me. My dh has had friends ask them what I do all day with a cleaner coming twice a week and an au pair. We have 3 kids and a dog. I get so annoyed when people think I must relax all day. Sure I have it easier then some. But I’m actually very involved with my kids. Mornings start 6am with the baby. Au pair takes over baby at 7am while I quickly get ready and wake the Older kids by 7:20aM. Help them to get ready (reminding them many times to put their clothes on! Brush teeth, hair etc). Kids down for breakfast w au pair and I take over baby for a bit. Then I pass baby back to au pair and take older kids and dog for the school run. I return by 9am and feed dog. Take over baby. Play w her a bit, breastfeed her, settle her for nap. Go down and have a quick breakfast. Tidy, do some admin (buy things needed online for kids, pay bills, book appointments). Baby wakes....and lets skip to evening. After I get the baby to bed by 7pm. I have dinner. And then I’m now getting the older kids ready for bed, reading w them etc. The middle one sleeps 8:30ish. The older one 9:15/30! So it’s a long busy day. I then have about 30 mins of me time before the baby wakes for a breastfeed. Then I go to bed because I’m tired and she usually wakes again at 3am.

So please tell me, does this sound like a lazy SAHM?!

Honestly? Yes. Cleaner and au pair and no job. If you are still rushed off your feet and only have 30minutes to yourself in the evening, you need to organise your life better.

caringcarer · 29/09/2020 20:43

Your DH sounds very mean. You should have access to money in bank, a debit cash card you can use for buying good, clothing, haircuts, days out with children, birthday gifts for your family, coffees, lunch out with friends, magazines, etc.

By caring for DC and running the home you enable him to work.

'he works' 'it's his money' sounds like he has brainwashed you. You work too in the home. It's both your money.

In your shoes I would get a job and make him pay for a cleaner and childcare. Make him do half off drop offs and collecting of DC too.

You are in a financially abusive marriage.

If you do divorced he would have to give you half of everything. Do you even know how much he has stashed away and in pensions or shares?

ChodeOfChodeBall · 29/09/2020 20:43

@Havaiana

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

Your contribution as a SAHM is immense and your husband's salary is family money, not his alone. You need access to it.

This.

ImSleepingBeauty · 29/09/2020 20:41

I’m a SAHM and no, I’m not lazy. However that’s not really what your post is about. I have a similar set up, in that my DH earns over £100k (as did I before I had DC). The decision not to return to the workplace was joint on the following basis:

we both have equal access to household income
DH’s wages fund my pension contribution every year
DC do not go into full time childcare until they are school age but do part time nursery for socialisation. DH pays for 100% of this.

There are other financial things we agreed on but this was discussed in full before I agreed to give up my job. When youngest DC is in school I will return to employment but realistically I’ll never earn the same as I did before.

OP have you addressed the unfairness of your arrangement with your DH? Have you explained how it makes you feel? Given you are married and have DC I don’t understand why you don’t have equal access to the household income.

Newmumatlast · 29/09/2020 20:40

@Mamabear12

Hmm. These types of comments annoy me. My dh has had friends ask them what I do all day with a cleaner coming twice a week and an au pair. We have 3 kids and a dog. I get so annoyed when people think I must relax all day. Sure I have it easier then some. But I’m actually very involved with my kids. Mornings start 6am with the baby. Au pair takes over baby at 7am while I quickly get ready and wake the Older kids by 7:20aM. Help them to get ready (reminding them many times to put their clothes on! Brush teeth, hair etc). Kids down for breakfast w au pair and I take over baby for a bit. Then I pass baby back to au pair and take older kids and dog for the school run. I return by 9am and feed dog. Take over baby. Play w her a bit, breastfeed her, settle her for nap. Go down and have a quick breakfast. Tidy, do some admin (buy things needed online for kids, pay bills, book appointments). Baby wakes....and lets skip to evening. After I get the baby to bed by 7pm. I have dinner. And then I’m now getting the older kids ready for bed, reading w them etc. The middle one sleeps 8:30ish. The older one 9:15/30! So it’s a long busy day. I then have about 30 mins of me time before the baby wakes for a breastfeed. Then I go to bed because I’m tired and she usually wakes again at 3am.

So please tell me, does this sound like a lazy SAHM?!

It is probably because the morning and evening stuff working parents also do. The admin stuff they also do but often late evening when kids are in bed or in snatched moments between work emails/on breaks. The bit that is different with a sahm is that they care for the children in the day when working parents are at work - but if kids are at school or there is childcare they arent doing that; or at least not much of it. I do think you can fill a day and be busy. But when you work often you do much of the same you just squash it into smaller pockets of time.

Dawninglory · 29/09/2020 20:40

Hi OP, I don't think your husband is treating you as an equal, more like an au pair with that wage. If you were to add up the cost of all the jobs you do within the house and looking after the children it would be £50k a year, paying the basic wage to others to do your SAH job!! Wage increase or divorce.

2littlledarlings · 29/09/2020 20:37

He earns that much and you don’t feel he gives you enough...this isn’t right at all
A marriage should be about sharing IMO, you are at home running a home and bringing up children why would you live in a position like this, he earns a lot and therefore you as his partner should not feel like this
Work if you want to otherwise enjoy the fact that he is a high earner and you are doing your part also in the relationship

Pluckedpencil · 29/09/2020 20:35

Tell DH you are opening a joint account and you want his salary paid into there and he can take out a chunk for his own pocket money and saving fund bit from now on, family money needs to be in the family pot.

Newmumatlast · 29/09/2020 20:34

Agreed. If he didn't want it to be shared he could've said at the start that rather than you be a sahm youd return to work and split childcare costs between you based fairly on income

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 29/09/2020 20:34

Past toddlerhood, being a SAHM is much easier, surely. I have never been one, but understand why you would want to early on in a baby's or babies' lives. However, after they start school, you are handing over part of that responsibility and need to "find" yourself again.

If he earns £100K, I estimate his take home pay is between 5K and 6K a month? More? Personally, I wouldn't want to hand over any hard-earned money for personal expenses such as haircuts or clothes to anyone so I see his point, but you seem to be managing the household budget out of yours, and the allowance leaves 9/10 to him... What was your original agreement? Did you agree to pay for food/petrol/etc. out of your allowance? Are you in a relationship where you can discuss that this is not doable?

I think if you manage your time well, you can do much more with your time. I speak as someone where both parties work full time, home educate to a very ambitious standard and renovate their house at the same time. It's doable, but very stressful. So I am torn between saying it's lazy or otherwise. You are in charge.

KenDodd · 29/09/2020 20:31

Do I think sahm are lazy?
Yes.

So what though, I'd love to not work if I didn't have to. I'd be proper lazy.

I also think the working parent money should be shared, it should be family money. If I was the working parent, it would be.

Newmumatlast · 29/09/2020 20:31

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Some SAHMs are lazy, others aren't. Same as WOHMs.

Back to the point of your post though, you're in a financially abusive marriage, do you realise that?

This

Shakespearsister · 29/09/2020 20:31

Looking after your own child in your own time can be tiresome and mind numbingly boring but it isn't difficult. I know, I've done it, three times. Trying to keep somebodies 16 year old daughter alive after she’d been run-over by a Double-Decker London bus, now that's a challenge.