To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

Omg , no way would I ever feel I have no dignity. My dh works and I’m a sahm. I do all the school runs , shopping , errands , most of the cooking cleaning and laundry but he’ll help if needed. He works. All the money is in one pot, bills are paid, luxuries are agreed on and the rest is split. He might do a 40/50 hr week in an office but he gets lunch breaks and I do as many hours ferrying the kids around and keeping our home run I g smoothly. Thankfully he sees what I do as just as valuable as what he does, maybe more! He also admits he couldn’t do it! Over lockdown he said being at home was harder than being at work and was never ending , even tho I often have times to meet friends for coffee he would say I earn it like he earns a tea break etc. I’m lucky it seems xx

My daughter is a sahm of a 2.5 year old and is expecting another in December. She works very hard all day and is often exhausted. I help out where I can with babysitting.
Her husband earns well and they have a joint account. She has a card on that account and she can use it as her own money. She mostly buys things for the child but if she wants a new dress, a piece of furniture, a nice salad bowl etc she buys it, no questions asked. It's not HIS money, it's THEIRS. That's how it should be, if a parent is staying at home to raise a child.

I have a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old and I will be at home with them for a couple more years. I literally bust my balls from 5am to 8pm looking after these kids (not to mention being up at night with them)! They don't nap at the same time and create a lot of mess / need constant supervision and I like to do a lot of activities etc with them. Its hard bloody work. (I'm not saying it's harder than some jobs but it is still hard and relentless). Having said that it was a mutual decision, they're lovely kids and I'm happy with it. My husband is a high earner too (long hours / works away/ not compatible with part time work) and we recognise that we both work bloody hard to make sure that all of the following get done:

Kids well looked after
House looked after (currently renovating which I project manage)
Bills paid / relatively financially comfortable

I have equal access to all money INCLUDING if I want a haircut or need new clothing (within reason of course) or even (in the old days when such things were allowed) if I wanted to meet a friend for a coffee. The house is in joint names even though I don't pay into the mortgage currently. As others have said Op, this is financially abusive. I hope you can see that after reading these responses.

my day started at 6.30am after only getting 3 hours sleep because 2 out of my 3 children decided to tag team all night and keep me up. I made everyone breakfast, cleaned up, got everyone ready for school/preschool, dropped everyone off, took the dog for a walk, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and playroom, took the dog for another walk, put away a tesco shop, hoovered, did 2 loads of washing and dried them, picked everyone up, made dinner, washed up, entertained DDs whilst DS had tutoring, bathed everyone, put the washing away, put the girls to bed and am about to put DS to bed. Then i will tidy the lounge and i have some emails to reply too from school. Inbetween all that ive also made 2 important phone calls, booked an optician appointment for DS and DD and talked a friend through something she needed help with.

This sounds like my day but I also work full time

Nope not lazy, but putting up with that kind of shit is plain stupid. If he has a 100k salary his take home is £5500, he gives you £600, from which you have to buy food & pay for your phone and clothes & he keeps £4900, a month!!

You provide free childcare, free housekeeping & presumably you’ll be the house chef too & he gets all that for a tax free spend of £7200 a year, from his £66,000 he gets in his pocket, leaving him £59,000 of basically disposable income.

Wake up OP, that’s not ok - you don’t just need a job, you need to get out of there pronto, he’s a fucking mean little cockwomble and that is financial abuse.

Lol your husband is a high earner yet gives you 600 quid a month allowance? He's got a nice stack of savings for a rainy day hasn't he? The cheek of it!

Don’t understand why you have titled your thread this when it doesn’t relate to content? I don’t think sahps are lazy but I think they put themselves in a very vulnerable position. It sounds like you are being financially abused.

If you get rid of him you will get money in child maintenance and support From the government towards the cost of childcare, chil pd benefit and any money you earn which means you will be able to out into your pension.
Your husband isn’t a nice man and he doesn’t love you if he won’t share his income whilst you look after his very young children.

If I had enough money to be a SAHM I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Your own money, or someone else's? I've always been the breadwinner in my relationships and it's bloody hard

No, not lazy in the least but the pressure to those who woh isn't comparable. You can't get made redundant from your sah job.

But you're asking the wrong question op.

I sympathize, I was a SAHM until about 18 months ago. I had almost 8 years at home. My DH is technically a high earner, but he didn't give me much, in terms of support or financially. It led to several problems and I was very depressed and was desperate to leave him. I work now but I won't forget that time. I loved being with my DC and have struggled to find balance. I still do the housework, cooking, social planning and most parenting. I'm knackered. You can't have it all and as for these mystery part time jobs, where are they? If I had enough money to be a SAHM I'd do it in a heartbeat.

A word about spending. £150 per week. I’ve just realised I must be some sort of eco warrior since I really don’t spend that per week on me or the DC(Yes, London, But no car, walk everywhere, PAYG phone, new clothes rarely, etc). In fact during Covid, food is the only thing that I’ve been buying—and that’s expensive, but the OPs husband largely pays for that or not? Not saying the OPs husband isn’t financially abusive (he is) but I’m wondering about all the spending. Why? For what? But yes, he sounds like a jerk.

The way I see it there are 3 main tasks that need doing when raising a family.

1. Money needs to be brought in
2. The children need to be looked after
3. The house needs to be looked after (cleaning, repairs, admin, etc)

Each of these is as important as the other. In some households they are shared equally, ie each adult does 50% of each, others vary the proportions, and in some one person is in sole charge of one or two tasks and the other, the other(s).

It sounds as if your DH is doing all of 1, while you do all of 2 and 3. He doesn't get to keep all the money anymore than you get the house all to yourself because you do 3. You don't get to say he can't see a child and he doesn't get to say you can't buy yourself something. You share the money equally between the house/family and the two of you and you share the house equally.

How well would his career and earning power do if he had to take time off at a moment's notice because of childcare failure or the school suddenly shutting (see Covid!)? He can rely on not having to drop everything at work because you carry the child/home load.

No, you are not lazy.

I’m so incredibly suspicious of men who don’t share their wealth with their spouse. I’ve known several women used as free childcare and cleaners whilst high earning ‘d’h amasses money. The moment the kids leave home wife is kicked to the curb, wealth hidden during divorce, wife ends up living out 50s/60s scraping by whilst exh is living the high life. I have nothing against sahp (I’m mostly one and its harder being at home than work imo) but unless the money is properly shared you’re in a very vulnerable position.

"All the stay at home mums in my circle/among my peers, were a bit nuts within 2 years. I don't think it suits many people anymore (I include stay at home parents of all genders in that)."

Totally agree with this! When I look at life some decades ago there were no dishwashers, Hoover's, supermarkets, cars to aid with the school run, washing machines etc... Basically there was lots more to do. Of course pre-schoolers need 100% supervision all of the time so are a full time job but when they go to school for 30 hours a week I honestly don't know what stay at home parents do for that whole time. Some start volunteering of course but those who don't are surely bored?!

@augustusglupe that's a vile post which strongly suggests you haven't read any of ops posts properly. Op is getting less than 10% of the family income to cover various needs for THREE people whereas the husband has the other 90% which yes it sounds as if he's covering the bills but there's no mortgage and he's on a hell of a salary!

In addition assessing the ops mindset from the posts her self esteem is through the floor! He's clearly ground her down and I strongly suspect there are other forms of abuse she is victim of

That's NOT 'being a martyr' that's being an actual victim of domestic abuse!

Honestly I think you need to talk to someone. Have a look on the women's aid website. Your situation isn't right, in my opinion. You aren't being treated well, it sounds financially abusive to me too.

If you're married, you are protected in the case of divorce. I would look into this option if I were in your shoes.

That's awful of him, would he be willing to stay at home and look after the kids while you went to work then? It most definitely should be family money, especially when he earns that much! My husband earns 30k, I became a sahp after our second son was born and he puts money in my account and I have his bank card to pay for more expensive stuff. You're meant to be a partnership

Im a SAHM and I'm not in the slightest bit lazy. I don't sit down (unless driving obvioulsy and eating my lunch) until the children are in bed. Im always on the go. Doing something for the home, doing errands or volunteering.

Some people in general are lazy. Whether or not you are a SAHM or not doesn't automatically change who you are. If you were lazy before, you'll be lazy whatever role you have in life.

If you are desparate to earn your own money, which I completely understand, have you tried online work. Audiotyping, proofreading or the like spring to mind.
Just a though!

Financial abuse. You’re facilitating him earning £££ yet you don’t get a share. If he can’t understand this I would 100% divorce him. You’d probably get more from him through child support.

I am never really sure what SAHP do all day as I have to do all of these things too and work

Well it depends, as the majority seem to go back to work once their youngest starts school, I would at a guess say that during the day they look after their children?

This is crazy OP. Your thread title isn't actually relevant. Can I take a guess and ask whether your DH has hinted that SAHMs are lazy? Tbh I would move this thread to relationships as you are not happy with the set up in your relationship and your independence and that is the real issue I think.

For context, as soon as we started trying for a baby we set up a joint account. We agreed both salaries would be paid into it. Then we totted stuff up and thought about individual discretionary spending and gave ourselves the same amount. For anything. Clothes, books, haircuts, ipads, whatever. EVERYTHING ELSE (clothes for son, day-trips, eating out for all of us, food, bills, rent) goes on the joint account. Including a private pension for me because I am a freelancer with an irregular income and no single employer. It's a joint investment. Because we're married.

When I was on maternity leave, I put baby groups and half of all the eating in cafes with baby - because I wasn't staying put in a tiny flat all day - on the joint account too.

It's taken a while for it all to even out and I am still the worst at talking about money but what you're talking about is NOT FAIR. Please don't let your husband take your self-esteem. The world is quite literally structured in favour of people who don't have to give up time to grow and raise a very small child (mostly women, right?!)

You sound sad and down about this. Please move this thread to relationships and benefit from some very real support from women who have been there.

Wait, when he works he has you to provide free childcare but if you work have to pay? This is really bad OP.

If he’s earning £100,000 he must be taking home £5,000 a month and you have £200 for your own personal spending money for you and the children. That’s outrageous.

You should tell him he will be paying a lot more out if you leave him.

I can’t really believe what I am reading. I am very much in the camp of earning for yourself and splitting things (however DP and I earn a very similar wage so we split the bills and keep what we have left over in our own bank accounts) and as a full time worker with two kids I am never really sure what SAHP do all day as I have to do all of these things too and work but I don’t think of them as lazy - I find it FAR harder looking after kids and go to work for a rest, and I don’t have an easy job.

However it seems that a decision has been made for you not to work and you have no means of being able to at the moment so it seems very unfair that you are so limited, especially when there is no mortgage and he clearly has a LOT of disposable income.

You really need to have this out with him. I am never one to say LTB but in this case you really would be better off!