To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

It’s more than unfair OPs partner is being abusive. She would be better off single and going through child maintenance she probably would be better off money wise. He should be giving OP more than £600 to live on plus two kids it’s not right. I couldn’t forgive that selfish behaviour.

What was the agreement financially before you gave up work op?

I do think it’s unfair you live off a couple of hundred pounds a month disposable income for you and the kids, when he has several times that, but do also agree with other posters that the full picture hasn’t been presented, other than no mortgage (is there rent?), in terms of what other financial commitments there are.

However as said, there is no such thing as family money in law, during the marriage, in relation to his salary, it is indeed his as you state and his choice on how to spend it.

So what was agreed when you decided to stop working?

Being a SAHM is hard work. Would I be right in saying it's your husband who's told you it's not proper work?
I think you should get a job so you can leave your financially abusive husband. He just sounds plain nasty. What sort of person earns that much money but only gives his wife limited access?
I'm really worried about you saying you don't think you'll live long, what's the reason you think that?

@TitsOutForHarambe absolutely, I've done that with my dd, though sometimes she can err towards unforgiving! She dumped one lad for breathing too loudly!

I jest there was actually more to it but you get my meaning

How did he come up with the £600 figure? I mean what sums did he do to reach it?

Your husband's attitude towards money is grim and unacceptable.

My partner earns considerably less than yours let every penny he earns (and my mat leave pay) is family money. I don't have to ask for it. I'm not questioned. I sort all the kids stuff out so I just take what I need. Obviously if I was considering a big purchase I'd discuss it with him, but day to day stuff? No.

Your husband is manipulating you.

Absolutely nothing wrong - and indeed advisable at least initially after leaving an abusive relationship - with being single

This is such an important message that I'm hoping to successfully drum into my daughters. A relationship is only worth being in if it makes you happy. It is not a requirement for being a worthwhile person.

The OP does not say where her OH money goes, if they have a huge mortgage, running two cars on lease, go on amazing holidays there may not be much disposable income left at the end of every month. I would need a breakdown of figures before I could pass comment.

@NoGinNotComingIn abuse victims are NOT "silly"

And a lot of that pension pot and the house or part of. It’d finally get a bit fairer. yes if - ideally - the op got a SHL (shit hot lawyer) who was good at dealing with the likes of this "man" then she could be very well off divorcing him.

Quite honestly even if she divorced him and ended up on UC she'd probably be better off! And she wouldn't be being abused!

I'm seriously worried there's other abuse going on here that the op is afraid to voice even here.

and be open to find someone who treats you properly.

I know this was kindly meant, but I really believe PART of why so many women end up in abusive relationships is because it's drummer into girls and women that we are only truly validated if we're in a relationship!

Absolutely nothing wrong - and indeed advisable at least initially after leaving an abusive relationship - with being single

926.97 UC (exc housing costs, you'd likely get full rent coverage)
151.67 child benefit

Total 1078.64

That calculation based on you, unemployed, 2 primary aged dc I used my rent for the calculator to work then deducted the housing element at the end and I've not included council tax rebate as these depend on local rates but you'd get that too.

Done here

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=b0864831-670c-4128-998f-5ae6ab222dee

There's also

www.turn2us.org.uk

@Guineapigbridge "asserting yourself" with an abuser can be dangerous - even if they've not been before then

Shocked at the dismissive, insulting and victim blaming posts on here

Can't believe you are living like this OP.

It is financial abuse. I don't think you should even sit down and talk to him about money. He clearly has no respect for you to treat you like this.

So if you got a job you’d have to foot the whole childcare bill? Wtf

Sorry the whole set up is weird and financial abuse

I was a SAHM for 8 years and loved every second of it! I feel privileged I had that time with them, but it is hard work and can be very lonely! I was in a similar situation to you, DH high earner and we could afford me to stay at home. I was never extravagant in spending, but I did hate not having my own income. The guilty feeling when I bought myself something I needed!

They do, but in reality most working parents outsource childcare to nursery/ childminders/ grandparents whilst they are at work.

Accordingly during the week they are free from planning activities, putting out and tidying away toys and craft materials, taking DC to park or groups, don’t have to answer a million questions an hour, cook lunch etc etc.

They are not doing the job of a SAHM and working on top!

and

If you work 50 hours per week then you're not simultaneously providing hands on childcare for young children for those 50 hours. Unless you actually take them to your workplace with you?

This and this ^

I'm so weary of listening to people saying they are holding down a job/career and doing the work of a SAHP. Unless you are self employed and have your children in the workplace with you during 'working hours' it is simply untrue.

OP you ought to have access to the bank a/c. If your DH refuses this, then you will need to look at taking a job and have him pay for childcare and do half of the housekeeping. Or divorce him because it doesn't sound like he respects you much.

The situation you've described here isn't really to do with you being a SAHP, or whether or not that's lazy. It's to do with your DH being weird about what should be family money, when it sounds like he'sshitting pretty on a big pile of money. You are afraid to challenge him on it. The whole thing is wrong.

For the record, I find being a SAHP much harder than I found working. But then I know that everyone is different so I don't think there's a one size fits all.

Yy bluntness...

And yes yes malahaha... Being with 2 small dc pushed me my limits emotionally and mentally and financially...
But it was a huge privilege and at the end of the day, no one care for your dc as much as you do, even gp sometimes take huge risks with dc!!

Op I've not read the 10 pages but your op is misleading.

I was a sahm without a large dh salary for 10 years. It went so quickly!
It was hard, grueling and a little more money 2nd time around made all the difference.

What is the point of money? What is the point of having dc?.
Your dh sounds absolutely financially abusive.

All money should go into a joint account, then, spilt up into various things, funds for dc clothes, funds for Xmas, holidays... Eating out.. Weekends.

Then... Savings, pensions...

Then personal money.

I think some lack ambition rather than being lazy. Perhaps they have sense though rather than those putting in 50 hr working weeks.

£100k a year and only paying you £600 a month to spend on essentials for you AND your DC? That’s about 2 days pay for him!

Like PP have said, this is a financially abusive relationship. You need to re-read your posts. If a friend said this to you, what would you say?

You should ask if he can hire a nanny a few afternoons a week whilst you complete an Open Uni degree course (he pays). If he says this is all too expensive, then fire back how much he has saved over the years. He hasn’t paid for a nanny or cleaner (try and tally up how much this would’ve cost).

Not all SAHMs are lazy. But most are 'kept' and I don't think that's a healthy headspace for an adult to lead themselves into.

And yes during marriage ... But it's really appalling in this case imo... finance shld be shared

I don't agree it's necessarily financial abuse. It sounds a bit to me like OP hasn't advocated well for her own interests. MN will have you divorcing him and breaking up your family over simplyu talking to him and asserting yourself better.
A fair financial arrangement for a family without a mortgage is
50 percent living expenses (in the family pot) including childcare costs, children's clothing, children's school expensive, home improvements and family holidays
25 percent savings and investments
up to 5 percent gifts/donations/tithes/charitable giving
10 percent each for 'fun' money like ipads, haircuts, solo holidays

Bluntness not quite true, depends on factors like accommodation needs of children and mortgage capacity. If higher earner can get bigger mortgage, lower earner might need more capital to house children. But essentially people are quite rightly expected to work, move on...