To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

I work and believe me, there are people at work who are lazy bastards and people who don’t who are not lazy at all.

Laziness is a personality trait and that stays with you irrespective of work.

Don't you both need to be in work to get the 15 free hours.

Really hoping this isnt genuine, but if it is, then I'd save up some money for a consultation with a solicitor to see how you would fare if you were to divorce. You'd probably be financially much better off.

There are lazy stay at home parents just as there are lazy people who turn up at their place of employment and do as little as possible all day. Conversely, there are stay at home parents who do everything under the sun, just as there are those who go the extra mile at work. Can your DH not see and appreciate all you do?

Also i think that there is a difference in the workload for a SAHM with very young preschool/primary school age children as opposed to one with teenagers who get themselves to and from school

Absolutely. I have a 2 yr old, an almost 1yr old and I'm pregnant. My husband and I are both immigrants so we have no family at all in this part of the world and no free/subsidised childcare, so none of my children are in daycare. And yes, I'm aware that I have chosen to be in this situation, and I'm not complaining because I adore my children and I'm lucky to be able to have this time with them... but anyone who thinks I'm lazy is fucking nuts.

I'm a WOHM and quite lazy. Who cares? It's not the world's worst moral failing.

Can you say more about your relationship with your H? Does he listen to you? Is he kind and respectful? I'm going to guess not very, or you wouldn't be in this situation and thinking you deserve it.

He is abusive and financially controlling.
This is not okay and not normal.
You would financially be in a much better and stronger position if you left him.

OP, I’m sorry, but is this actually for real? Nobody in their right mind would put up with this from a husband.,

I think some people are lazy, not defined by gender or what they do for a living.
Also i think that there is a difference in the workload for a SAHM with very young preschool/primary school age children as opposed to one with teenagers who get themselves to and from school.

We both agreed I’d stay home after dc2, he encouraged

Yes, but what was agreed financially before you agreed to do that?

Ok you need to start claiming child benefit now and look at getting it backdated but tick the box so you don’t actually receive the money. If you don’t claim it then you don’t get the national insurance that it entitles you to (whether you receive the money or not). If he tells you not to do this, do not listen to him- you will end up not being entitled to your full state pension if you don’t have enough years of NI.

You are being massively financially abused OP. I’m really sorry. Does he not think of them as his children? That he needs to pay money to feed and clothe??

If you don't claim child benefit you're not paying your stamp. Can't you claim it but not get the money? I seem to remember reading that.

Yes, that’s how it works. You sign up for child benefit but ask not to be paid any money. That’s how you get your state pension contributions as a SAHP. Obvs any normal husband would also max out the private pension for the OP in these circumstances.

I certainly wouldn't think a SAHM of preschoolers was lazy, I stayed at home with mine until they were about a year old and went back to work PT (more for my own sanity than for financial need) but even then I did 95% of childcare/chores.

I know people still claiming to be SAHM when the dc are all at school, and I do wonder what they do all day (I know the answer, the go to the gym, have lunch with friends etc) and I do find myself thinking they're lazy.

It's tough finding a job to fit around dc though, especially at the moment, so cut yourself some slack.

You’ve been taken for a ride OP.

Would he still have that warning if you didint stay home and sacrifice your career?

The answer is no.

He owns the house outright.

You’re married and the house is yours not his.

I’m beginning to wonder if you’re trolling by constantly asserting it’s ‘his’ money, house, you’re his slave not worthy of more than a bit of food for your efforts etc when everyone is telling you that you’re a family and it’s yours too.

OP this is really sad. I was a SAHM for about 18 months when we moved for DH's job soon after DS1 was born. Up until then we had separate bank accounts, but as soon as I finished work we changed to a joint account and all the money he earned was 'ours'. We are a team - he could only go off and do the different job BECAUSE I was willing to give up mine and look after DS. I am working now, but he still earns more than I do. Again, that is BECAUSE I took a hit in my career that allows him the flexibility to travel and work away. We still have a joint account, and all our money is shared. To me, that's fair. I can't understand these couples where the man 'pays the wife a wage', or gives them an allowance. In that situation, I would be insisting on finding a job and earning my own money. Please believe you are worth more than you think you are.

If you don't claim child benefit you're not paying your stamp. Can't you claim it but not get the money? I seem to remember reading that.

Before having kids myself yes I thought SAHM had it easy. Since having a child myself, I actually think going out to work is easier. And I’m a lawyer so no my job is not a doddle!

Also I think once you are married with kids all money is family money, surely?

How can you stay married to someone who sees you as no more than a nanny? And certainly not as an equal.

My DH earns half what yours earns and I'm a SAHM. All accounts are shared. I want for nothing. He never questions any money that has been spent. If he told me I was getting an allowance I'd honestly divorce him.

OP, your 'D'H could take home nearly £6K a month. It will probably be less because of his pension but he's giving you about 10-15% of his take home pay and expecting you to pay for food, petrol, and clothing for the children out of this. You would get more money if you divorced him and got child maintenance and he'd have to look after the DC several days of the week (plus you'd get a significant share of the house and his pension).

Do you claim CB? He'd have to declare it and pay it all back but you would be getting NI contributions to your pension at least and it would be an extra £150 in your pocket every month.

OP, you have posted with the question “are SAHMs lazy?” - even though this is obviously a non-question because it depends who you’re talking about. There are more / less lazy people in all walks of life.

However - your actual situation has nothing to do with being a SAHM. It has everything to do with the fact you are married to a financially abusive man. I’m sorry to say this and I wouldn’t say it often on here, but your self-esteem will never improve until you leave him.

As you say, even if you got a job, he would be quite happy to see you with less disposable income than him. Do you think this is in any way normal?

What is the actual point of this man? What is the use of him in your life? Sorry, but he is an absolute bastard and I’m raging in your behalf.

Just kick him to the kerb with his £600 a month. How dare he. Honestly, I would rather be in a hostel with my kids than pandering to that shit.

I’ve been SAH for many years and my DH wouldn’t dream of giving me an allowance like a child. This is because he is a normal human being and not a wanker.

I know a lot of SAHMs OP, probably a hundred or so, and who knows or cares if they’re lazy or not (how long is a piece of string) ? - but I can tell you this much ..., none if them have husbands who behave even remotely like yours.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to or who could help you to get out? He has obviously done a real number on you that your confidence is this low and you are asking bizarre questions about being lazy.

I hope you can get out of your toxic and abusing marriage. Your situation sound horrendous and I can’t believe that in the UK in 2020, there are men who think this is ok.

I'm so weary of listening to people saying they are holding down a job/career and doing the work of a SAHP.

This is a response to posters who list getting children dressed and doing admin as their exhausting SAHM tasks. Most working parents don't have magical fairies doing all that.