To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

The house on paper might be in his name but as you are married and it is the marital home then legally it is jointly yours.

Just because you don’t physically bring cash into the marriage doesn’t mean you aren’t worth anything.

If you walked out the door today do you think with £600 your dh could find someone to cook clean and do childcare. Would he be able to do his job. No more working a few minutes/hours later in the office.
No going out on a weekend without children being dressed and planned for etc

I don’t think you know the value in what you do.

is this actually for real? Nobody in their right mind would put up with this from a husband

Lots of women are being financially abused. I've been a victim myself. This kind of insidious abuse can make you feel trapped and helpless. OP would be left with the kids, she can't just stroll in to a fully furnished house.

I previously said I work 59-odd hours per week and have the luxury of doing this at home, so yes I do wrangle getting DD dressed, school run, cooking, cleaning, admin with this while DH needs to be on site with his job

What time do you drop your child to school and pick her up?
If she is at school 30 hours a week, assuming you are sitting down at your desk job half an hour before dropping her and leaving half an hour before picking her up, you work 25 hours while she is at school?

What does she do for the other 34 hours a week while you are working? Presuming she goes to bed at 8pm and you work until 2am while she is in bed?

Do you think that is a ‘luxury’ life for your child or you? That sounds like a life of hardship to me to be honest.
Is also be interested to know how you engage with her in the afternoons and what she does during school breaks?

I'm a sahm , it's not in anyway lazy my husband has a good salary , we see all money that comes into the house as communal money and it's used by both of us , I don't think it would work any other way it's hard to get work that will fit around school hours and allow you to leave when kids are sick for appointments and all that , especially now with covid , stop beating yourself up

I previously said I work 59-odd hours per week and have the luxury of doing this at home, so yes I do wrangle getting DD dressed, school run, cooking, cleaning, admin with this while DH needs to be on site with his job.

So yes, us WOHM do carry out the SAHM caring duties with running a business/etc...I end up having to spill my work over into Saturday and Sunday. For that reason, yes, I do roll my eyes at SAHMs who say they are exhausted with simple running the home and admin tasks.

Your not helpless. If you want to be financially independent you have to make it happen. Nothing worth having is easy.

SAHP have to stop making themselves small and unimportant. You should stand up for yourself.
Im a SAHM and DH earns a good salary. His full salary goes in a joint account that i have full access to. I can spend whatever i like, he never complains. I dont spend ridiculous amounts, but i do treat myself sometimes.
He pays for everything from food to bills. Hes been paying into my pension fund since i stopped working.

I dont think im lazy, but i definitely have less work than DH if i count the hours. I do 98% of all housework and childcare, but he does help whenever i ask him.
The only reason he can work his hours and earn that money is because you are at home organising everything. It should be shared and you shouldnt have to beg for it.

OK. First, SAHP are no more lazy than a working parent. Lazy people are lazy people. I have friends who take (even in these times) their kids out every single day, rain or shine and friends who will happily stick the kids in front of the TV (and not just so they can use the loo, cook dinner or have a cuppa in the teeniest amount of peace). Seeing them before kids came along and most of the time you'd see a similar theme - always out and about...busy, busy, busy or happy to sit down, feet up whenever possible. Nothing wrong with either as long as the kids are OK and the home is happy.

Second, a marital/partnership home is a joint one. End of story. If my DH dies, it comes to me. If the home was owned by him alone, his family could ask me to leave if the home is left to them. If we divorce, it's half mine. I put money into it, I kept the home nice with meals on the table when I was a SAHP full time. I've contributed to making a happy family home and half of it is mine. That's it. No argument.

Third, whilst the house work is easier in some ways for a SAHP, it's not all their responsibility. DH used to take over DS when he got home from work - I have given my DS a bath about a dozen times in his life when he was a toddler. DH did that and enjoyed it - it was 'their' time, a chance to take the mickey of mum, have a chat, have a giggle, play splashing games. Learning to enjoy each others company. DH does the evening washing up and always has apart from when he worked away from home pre-Covid. He does the housework as and when needed - he'll mop the floors whilst I hoover the living room for example. It frees us both up quicker to enjoy a day out or a film night.

As far as jobs are concerned, take a look at the local schools. There are sometimes, if you're lucky, dinner ladies type jobs. Ideal to get your foot in the door. If you're known to the school they'll let you know if something else comes up. My sister started as a dinner lady then was offered a job in the finance department in her local school. Most of the holidays off bar a few days. They're like gold dust but it's worth asking and finding out where they advertise.

And, if you have time, think about volunteering. It doesn't get you money but it shows willingness and you never know where it leads. I did that when my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. With 20 plus appointments to cover in a year I had no hope of getting a paying job but it helped to have that on my CV when my current (school based) job came up.

You really need to sort out the issues around the house and the amount you get. I got an allowance when DS was small and I was SAHP - but it was for me alone. DH paid the bills, paid the credit card for anything DS needed and often said 'tell me how much the coat was and I'll transfer the cash - that's too high a price out of your cash'. I think that's normal.

Also do not go back to work if you are going down the divorce route otherwise he could go for joint custody and that would mitigate any child maintenance

You'd have more than 600 a month if you left. Sure it will be hard to start with but you have marital assets to gain which is worth a substantial amount. How much is the house worth?

I don’t claim child benefit because of having to pay it back

When do you pay it back?

I have been claiming it for 20 years.
The only repayment is it goes against dp’s income so he pays tax on it.

The thing is if we split he’d be able to give the children anything and take them anywhere. What would I be able to give them? I’d be living hand to mouth. And right now will I even be able to find a job? I’ve no family to help with childcare so I’m going to have to pay childcare during the holidays etc

You could give them everything he would be able to give them because you would be rolling in money if you divorced. Plus you could give them your time which he isn’t able to do.

You wouldn’t even need a job.

But if you got a job you would be entitled to benefits for nursery fees so would have more money coming in than you would atm with your £600 allowance and if you work you would have to shoulder the childcare fees.

You would be entitled to about £1100 child maintenance for a start
1/2 the house.
1/2 his pension.

In your position divorce is an attractive option.
Friend is getting 60% of everything because her ex was abusive.

She is actually keeping the mortgage free family home as part of her settlement

You have to look to the future.

He can do anything to you whilst you are still married and still living with him.

He could stop your £600 per month.
He could move a gf in.
He could beat you till you bleed.

Atm he owns everything and you own nothing but could if you divorce him

If you do go down the divorce route it could take some time but don’t give up, get all the evidence and be prepared for a fight.
And don’t move out.

You sound a bit like me. When my babies were 1 and 2 I got a job working from home in the evenings as he wouldn't give me much. When I told him I applied, he tried to put me off (subconsciously or not) by saying that it was really hard to get that kind of job so don't get my hopes up. I got the job.

I then got another job that does intrude a bit in our family life which he's not happy about. He hates that I work for some if the school holidays and moans about it but then moans that I didn't go back to work full time when the kids were 5.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. So, I just decided to do what I wanted to do. I earn a wage that keeps me going but I make sure I have one day to myself and one day to do household stuff so work 3 school hour days a week.

That's more than enough with all the balls I am juggling. I do 95% of the childcare and cleaning. I do all the shopping, paperwork, kids stuff etc. I pay for everything to do with the kids, birthdays, xmas, clothes, uniform, school dinners, clubs etc. Plus I pay for all of my own stuff, car, insurance, TV licence etc. He earns 2.5 times what I earn.

I totally pull my weight and more! But he still thinks that I don't do enough. I don't care anymore. I have my own little life and I'm happy with that.

'he would be happy for me to go back to work if he didn't have to give me any money'

Just unpick that. Are these his words? It sounds like a bind to me. He would be 'happy' 'if' he didnt 'have to' give you any money. So working would penalise you financially? He's putting conditions on you working? Even the way he is phrasing it is dodgy. It sounds controlling. I'll be happy for you to go to work if I don't have to give you any money. If you don't go to work, I'll give you a small amount, if you do, I won't 'have to'. DODGY.

I’d start telling people loudly when he is around that you can’t afford x,y,z as u only have 200 a mth now ur not working. Shame the ducker into giving u more.
Overall though this is classic financial abuse. Think about the situation if the roles were reversed would u want him going around skimping every month.

Also your money situation worries me . With a high earning husband there should be a balance with the finances and if he is withholding you money this is a financially abusive situation

I’m a stay at home parent of a disabled child with ADHD , autism , learning difficulties and challenging behaviours ( extreme) there is no way I could work on top. There is no child care for my son as he requires 2:1 supervision.
I think working would be easier in many ways but can understand even with a typical child , balancing child care and work must be very hard at times .

OP he wouldn't be able to give them anything and take them anywhere. He might be more well off post divorce because big his job but consider that he'd have to give you more money or look after the children / go food shopping / do the washing more if he did have them more.

You need to reconsider your own power. Start reading Mumsnet and learn from it. The divorce board is interesting and informative. Speak to a lawyer. Start telling trusted friends and family what is going on.

The fact that he encouraged you to not work while not giving you full access to money is not a great sign tbh.

Perhaps request a change and in the meantime quietly start learning about what power / rights you do have. You don't have none. You really don't.

I do not consider an SAHM to a young child of preschool age lazy.

I question it more where you have SAHMs who have older children at school all day who will give the excuse that they cannot find a job with hours from 9- 2.50pm term time only . Millions of other people manage to use childcare for this and with school age children, unless you have a huge family, full time earnings will easily bring in more than the childcare cost. That's when I start to feel its lazy unless there's SEN/disabilities involved.

Not if they’re providing childcare all day, that’s relentless hard work!

Don't you both need to be in work to get the 15 free hours.

It definitely used to be the case that when children were 3 they got 15 hours "free", regardless of whether parents worked. However when my children qualified for this, parents had to pay a "top up" as the governments allocation per child did not cover the cost of the preschool session. There were additional criteria for funding for 2 year olds, I think possibly if you were in receipt of certain benefits, as in qualification for FSM.

Okay, if this is genuine then it is not normal at all; your husband is financially abusing you and your children. And chipping away at your self esteem by the sounds of it if you think that you are lazy and deserve to not have money for basic things like clothes and haircuts.

Why aren't you on the deeds for the house?

What would he say if you asked? Or asked for more access to joint money?

OP you would be able to give them love and security and nurture, yes he could give them all things materialistic but has he really got a relationship with his children? I suspect if he is such a high earner you would get a decent chunk of maintenance too. Do you want your children growing up thinking this way to live is right? They are incredibly perceptive. Get back to work if you can your mental health and self worth need it. I would also claim CB even though you have to pay it back to get your NI stamps and if you are going to stay sit down with husband AND a financial advisor/solicitor and get some sort of pension sorted out. He isn’t a man if he isn’t willing to properly support his wife and children.

your husband should be more generous to you.

I don’t think SAHM are lazy. Like any job it’s a harder job than some jobs, and easier than others. Well done for doing it.

as far as I am aware he would have to give you 12% of his salary per week. He would have to split any assests as well.

OP - go back to work.