To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

G5, that’s great, but it’s pointless to extrapolate that because this is your experience, that all “high earners” are the same. You can only speak for your industry. Many men work away regularly or for long stints. Or they might be entrepreneurs, running various companies and with a host of other non-exec roles and commitments, that mean there is no fixed pattern to how they work, week to week. Most high earners I know work for themselves, but it’s not straightforward and there’s no such thing as “how many hours do you work?” I have no idea how many hours DH works and I never have had because it’s impossible to track and there’s not an obvious cut-off or parameters around his business interests.

Regardless of any of this, some families simply don’t want to “use childcare” if they don’t have to and I guess that is the bottom line.

For normal couples, it can work out absolutely fine to have a mum at home - as long as this us what she actually wants and what the DH prefers too. Both support each other, just in different ways, If you happen to think this set-up is in the best interests of your kids, then this is what you do. Why complicate family life with everyone running around here, there and everywhere if you don’t actually need to?

What does not work - obviously - is situations in which the DH is financially abusive, as is evidently the case here.

But the point is, even if the OP was working, it would still be financial abuse with a DH like this as he would expect her and the children to live on her earnings, even though she was a lower earner.

So either way, this is no way to live. This man is insane and unlikely to change and she needs to get out.

I know I'm lucky enough to get to stay with my baby and preschooler and not pay a stranger to look after them. If I had to pay a stranger I would have to but wouldn't like it. I have only just adjusted to the idea of preschool as at least they are a little older and aware and can tell me about their day!

It doesnt have to be situational or or due to finance to be a sahm either. Sometimes people just want to stay with their dc and appreciate the time when they are so small as it's over in a blink of an eye.

Most high earners don’t work a 9-5 job with flexi time that allows them to drop off or pick up their children from school.

The myth that for earning 6 figures, one has to sleep under their desk and work 24/7 is one of the issues that has significantly contributed to gender wage gap, shit pensions for women and so on. Many women won't even try to have a career, as they are convinced you can only have a little part time around school hours job, anything else is not compatible with having a family. (If you're a woman, of course you can be a high flyer dad and still be considered marvellous)

The truth is though that many high paying careers actually do come with flexibility. No, not all, but many. Yes, they are often high stress and sometimes you then need to catch up later. But our company top management certainly has more flexibility than an entry level employee who needs to clock in and out. I personally have significantly more say over my working hours than I had when I was earning a fraction of my current salary. If I want to pick DC up from school then this is what I will do - the company is not paying me for warming the chair.

I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there. My DH and I work in high paid jobs with 3 kids and I don't need a wifey. We share drop offs and use after school club and have a cleaner

I don’t know where to start. The post is so blinkered.

Assuming most families pool their joint income into one pot.

Firstly. Many families don’t have two high earners. They are lucky if there is one high earner.
Secondly many office jobs don’t allow employees to log on after the school run. They want employees to be sitting at their desk logged on before 9am.

Very very roughly -
Around here a cleaner costs £10-£12 per hour.
To drop two children to childcare at 8am and pick up at 6.30pm means paying for childcare for 4.5 hours a day x 2 children = 45 hours a week childcare. Childcare here costs £10 per hour per child or £15 for two children. £337.50 per week for two children plus the cleaner is £361.50 per week. That is before school holidays when childcare costs increases dramatically. An average employee with a salary of 25-30K per annum has a take home pay of £480 per week less pension deduction leaving approx £150 per week after childcare. That is not taking into account two children being in childcare from 8-6.30pm every day. That is not taking into account children that aren’t yet at school.
Many people think it’s worth it because they do not want to be a SAHP at any cost, or they have to do it because that £150 per week pays their mortgage or for personal reasons like the OP. . It isn’t for us to judge but neither is it for us to declare there is no reason for everybody not to do the same thing we are doing.

It is offensive to say otherwise.

Well no, you use childcare during your working hours, why would you need a nanny 24/7 when you're working say 37 hours or whatever

You do know what working away means?

My DH works away a lot, including for 6 months earlier in the year and I work, it's not easy but it's also not really fair to assume that people are in their own little bubbles- they just have different experiences and opinions.

You can’t expect a nanny to work f/t 24/7 for 2 weeks and then do everything 5 days per week when he was at home.

Well no, you use childcare during your working hours, why would you need a nanny 24/7 when you're working say 37 hours or whatever?

Lots of people work abroad for weeks at a time or are doing 4am finishes or shift work. Not sure an after school club or nanny is going to cover that.
But it’s rare for people to be able to see beyond their own little world whichever angle they are coming from.

I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there

Dp worked away for weeks at a time.
You can’t expect a nanny to work f/t 24/7 for 2 weeks and then do everything 5 days per week when he was at home.

Equally if someone is leaving the house at 6.30am and not getting back till 8pm who would do everything in between.

Most high earners don’t work a 9-5 job with flexi time that allows them to drop off or pick up their children from school.

Honestly you should leave - your CMS would be more than this.

If you don’t want to leave then shame him. Tell everyone whose opinion he cares about how little he gives you. Shop for yourself and the kids at charity shops. Go to the cheapest possible place for your food shop and don’t buy any branded stuff.

I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there

I guess it's because the men don't want to ask for time off to do their share, but they are just as able to as any woman that works. Basically they want to be able to prioritise their career over their family because they want to, under the guise of doing so to provide financially.

Ami, I agree, it’s much easier, especially if you get it for 600 quid a month,,

@Bluntness100. I agree, but I think it often comes down to attitude and a willingness to spend significant money on childcare, cleaners, etc. Not everyone wants to pitch in and share those responsibilities, it’s easier to have someone at home doing it all “for free” instead of making those arrangements.

@silverfonze. It sounds as if you and your DH truly share the responsibilities, whereas I have the impression that some partners totally rely on the SAHP to do everything involving the children/house- and they’d have to change to enable the SAHP to work full-time- perhaps they don’t want to?

No idea how the single Dad you know manages with four kids, presumable he must have wraparound care and some family help. Or perhaps 50/50 access with his ex. I can’t imagine how hard that must be!

I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there

Agree, I don’t know why people post this, it’s clearly nonsense and helps no one,there are millions of dual career families and working single parents. You don’t need a spouse at home to be able to work if you have kids.

It’s not remotely helpful to the op to say things like this. It might be easier or cheaper, but to suggest it’s not feasible without a house spouse is batshit.

Graphista I have actually read the OPs post again to be clear. My view may be different to yours, but I stand by it. The OP is clearly in a difficult situation and I wish her well. There is no need for such an aggressive over reaction

I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there. My DH and I work in high paid jobs with 3 kids and I don't need a wifey. We share drop offs and use after school club and have a cleaner

Admin is mostly quickly done on our mobiles during working day. Diy at weekends like other families.

There's a single dad down the toad with 4 kids in a well paid job at City and no nanny. Don't kid yourself men can't do it and need a wifey. They don't, neither do women.

To answer the “ lazy” question, no, I don’t think SAHP are automatically lazy and some working parents can be lazy! One of DH’s former colleagues was incredibly lazy, she literally played games on her computer most of the day and every time she had to do an update on the project she was supposedly working on, she’d show the same set of slides...because she’s never made any progress! DH was astonished that she managed to keep her job.

Anyway, it’s never wise to make assumptions about people, SAHP’s can be involved in all sorts of things.

No, they are not lazy, they just have a different set of priorities.

They also have decent husbands, who treat money as joint money and don't restrict their wives financially as they appreciate the extra attention their wives can give to them and their children, for a limited time while they are young.

I could cry for you op!!! He can only do his high earning job because you are there to do all the children stuff...your contribution is vital. You are partners and should be treated as such!

DH has always earned less than me, until recently when I've taken a career break of such.

We always try to split stuff evenly and to be fair; same amount of cash into joint account and to run the house/pay bills but I'd always have picked up more lunches out, presents for DD/ car maintenance, insurance etc.

Having a nanny probably helps @Mella91. If I had someone to do the housework etc I'd be very happy . Its not a competition between anyone, everyone will have different experiences and find different elements more challenging- personally I find working full time and doing everything around the house as DH is often away a lot more tiring than if I didn't work and had all day at home, even with playing with DS and keeping him entertained; but others would find the opposite.

The lazy thing is irrelevant. Even if you were a 'lazy' sahm, the intrinsic value of a sahp is their presence negating the need for paid childcare.

@IceSkater Wow. As a working mum, I got tired just reading that!!!!

as for me

9am - work
4pm - back home (house cleaned, food cooked by nanny)
5pm - 1 hour rest with DS
6PM - Dinner
6.30-8pm - quality time with DS and his bedtime.
8pm to 11pm - leisure.

Guess who's schedule is 'lazy'