Parents of toddlers with eating disorders...

What do you think happens to children in very poor countries where there is no alternative food?

If they're children like DS with sensory issues and ARFID, they die.

You need professional input on this, OP otherwise you're going to get loads of duff advice about offering the same meal over and over and just being firm about it. None of these things will work for a child with food issues. I agree with PPs who have said to keep a food diary, read up on sensory issues around food and on ARFID, and keep a food diary that includes amount eaten as well as what he has eaten, then ask your HV or GP for a referral to a dietician.

When DS was a baby he had no interest at all in food other than to touch it and then cry if he didn't like how it felt. We started offering solids around the 6m mark but he was closer to 8m before he actually tried eating any of it. The range of foods he would eat very quickly dwindled away and by the time was 2yo he only had 5-6 foods that he would eat. "He'll eat when he's hungry" didn't apply because he would starve himself if he acceptable foods are available or if he doesn't feel able to eat, he has gone several days without food before.

Now we are at a stage where he has his safe foods and that's all he eats. Every now and again he will try something new but it's rare and it's a real celebration moment when he does. His acceptable foods are all very bland, very uniform, easy to chew, and dry. It has to be left to go cold before serving too as he won't eat hot food so I end up coming his food slightly ahead of everyone else's to give it chance to go cold then I can serve up out hot meal and his cold one all at the same time.

The advice from his dietician is:

• don't turn meals into a battle

• never use food as a reward, never use food as a punishment

• eat together where possible and serve meals family style if you can where everyone helps themselves from shared dishes in the centre of the table

• serve food, allow a reasonable amount of time for the meal (e.g., 30-40 minutes for dinner) and then take it away at the end of the meal without comment. No begging, cajoling, persuading, bribing, bargaining, asking for one more bite or to just taste it, or any of that

• the main meal of the day should be two courses, a main and a basic dessert like yoghurt or fruit. The child gets both courses with no strings attached, they get the dessert regardless of how much of the main they have eaten because it is one complete meal and one is not dependent on the other

• every meal should have at least 1-2 'safe' foods available so that there is never nothing the child can/will eat

• if nothing is eaten, or only a small amount, then try stretch to the next meal but if they seem very hungry or it's going to be a long time until the next meal such as overnight from dinner until breakfast the next day, then around an hour after the rejected meal you should offer a basic snack of safe foods

• give two cups of milk and a good multi-vitamin daily

Hi OP

I would speak to the health visitors initially. I had a very fussy eater and spoke to mine, they did send me some information that help a bit but mostly it was reassurance and support that made me realise I wasnt doing anything wrong. Keep repeating the mantra I can only prepare healthy / balanced food for them, I cant make them eat it. I have one who will not eat any veg at all. I still put some out every meal and it gets ignored (though she will now tolerate it on her plate sometimes rather than kicking off) but saying to myself that I can only make them food I can't make them eat it, has helped me feel a lot more relaxed about it.

The 2 year check in our area is done around 2 years 5 months and currently remotely- they send you a question set. It had a question set that was about early indicators of autism eg difficulties transitioning from one activity to another, frequent meltdowns etc. I would ask the HVs to post it out sooner rather than later (there is a range of ages it can be done at eg 28-32 months) so you can access support earlier if it does show anything

Gruffalo

I half agree but I also think how you do it is really important - bold is doing many of the things people suggest for children with more serious issues: taking away all the pressure, never forcing the child to eat etc. What do you think happens to children in very poor countries where there is no alternative food? Some people may not be able to afford to waste food/offer alternatives or repeatedly buy a single expensive pre made ready meal.

Put a little dish of picky things in front of him and leave the room for ten minutes of course popping head in to check on but let him think you are not even taking any notice atall. Sometimes you can get anxious and they pick up on it you need to just take no notice when there is food offered just walk away and busy yourself. Worth a try

But assuming that parents are offering an alternative because the child is just fussy doesn't work if there are genuine issues. What works for 'simple' fussiness doesn't work for children with genuine issues and, in my opinion, can be psychologically damaging whilst also not helping any / much progress be made in terms of eating.

It’s fine to reheat food It’s fine to serve dinner for breakfast, maybe if that happened more then the obesity levels would be lower. It’s interesting to look into how breakfast cereal came about by the way.

Not surprised people are very pampered these days and children entitles if they can’t abide a reheated meal and a different type of meal for breakfast.

Just to say that you have my sympathies OP. I was like this as a child, not a whole better as an adult, also autistic.

This may be a terrible suggestion for a toddler, sorry if so, but is there any chance of high protein chocolate milkshakes or something going down well?

My mum ended up giving me lots of meal replacement type milkshakes when I was younger since I barely ate anything.

Exactly @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland our job as a loving and supportive parent is to cook our children healthy nutritious meals,

Most kids get an alternative offered if they don’t eat their meal and I don’t think this is healthy at all either. 🤷‍♀️

If I gave my children what they wanted every meal they’d be surviving on ice cream, cake and chocolate with the odd crisp thrown in.

Had I of been a bit stricter when my child began being a fussy eater, he might have tried more 🤷‍♀️

My ds started this at around 2. We took him for an assessment and found that he has sensory issues. This affected his feeding. We started feeding therapy and we are really happy with where he is now. He has been having OT since 2 as well.b

I think people are misinterpreting what the bold type is doing.
She’s not forcing her child to eat, or forcing her child to sit and stare at the plate of food unwillingly eating it.
She’s not forcing them to eat, she’s teaching them that they can’t not eat their dinner to get something else.

You can parent in this way without being abusive, all the adults spoken of in examples of being in emotional ruin because of it have been abused.

My 6 six year was really fussy.
Before she was 6 months old she wouldn't drink her milk properly.

I had to rock her to sleep before she would drink.
It improved when she was weaned , but then she wouldn't eat.
She stayed really fussy and picky until reception.
Having her lunch with the other kids, she started trying new foods.
It did take a few months and at the start the school were always talking to me at the end of the day saying she hadn't eaten her lunch.
By the end of the year she was much better.
She is in Year 2 now.

Ps my own mother did it and I have no traumatic memories of food and I'm a good eater now. I love cooking and eating.

Theboldtype

I've taken a similar approach to you occasionally.its hard to explain if there are people on here with neurodiverse children for whom if would be pointless.

If you have an NT 3 yr, who is offered a meal they regularly eat and like, perhaps they've even requested it, and they decide to stubbornly refuse to take even a tiny bite, it is not abusive to save perfectly good food safely in the fridge to be offered later. In fact I think its really important to teach children that we dont waste a whole untouched portion of food. At times you do have to teach children that they don't hold all the cards.

As for it being odd to eat a casserole for breakfast....its a balanced meal. We are social conditioned to eat certain things at breakfast, they are different in lots of cultures and toddlers are blissfully unaware. Mine has occasionally requested spaghetti bolognese for breakfast.

My grandmother still tells stories of her father taking @theboldtype 's approach, that is offering no alternative food until something not wanted was offered. She still has traumatic memories and anxieties about food to this day, and she's 85.

@theboldtype my mother and stepfather started doing that to me when he arrived in my life, I was 5. It laid the foundations of a life-threatening and savage eating disorder that is with me 45 years on. I recall only too clearly the hours staring at the same, disgusting old food -sometimes liquefied.
You are not being a kind parent, you are bulldozing your children into something unpleasant.
OP I think you should ask for help, that level of restriction so early is not easy to handle. All the best to you in this endeavour.

Sorry op no advice but just wanted to say I understand why you're concerned and would be too. The "they just aren't hungry" argument is common but just does not apply to every case of "fussiness".

OP it is time to seek input from GP/HV. Think your kid needs some extra help.

And as for Bold, casserole for breakfast is revolting - no adult would eat that, why would a little child?

I have a really fussy eater and I’ve heard of your approach before @theboldtype and I wish I did this, I think it’s a healthy approach when you have children and also, they waste so much food it’s good to teach them not to waste it too.

I don’t think you come across smug or abusive at all, you’re teaching your children that if they don’t want to eat their meal that’s fine, but there won’t be anything else, which actually will promote them to try things and eat sensibly

That really isn't a normal to feed your children in 2020 although I suspect it possibly wasn 1920

Apologies for the poor 1 grammar in the 1st paragraph l. If course I didn't start with eating orders by the way SHE feeds her kids! I meant what my parents did. Sorry to Confuse

But, you come across as though you are above everyone else. You are just a bully.

IT IS CRUEL

do you go the whole hog like my mother and father? Keep presenting the food over regardless of mould and the possibility of food poisoning? It was given to me over and over and didn't allow me to have school dinners whilst there was "good food at home"

I had frequent tummy bugs that I also developed a fear of vomiting, as that would come around the same time as the mould and other stuff. Not content to be beaten by a child they also tried force-feeding me. I only stopped when my, much older than me, cousin lamped my dad one so he (and definitely never forgot

And this is so outing if my family are here

OP I have three dc. My youngest is nearby four and is a very fussy eater. It started when she was around nine months only eating spaghetti Bol every day.

Try not to label her at this point, just keep trying her with things. A fed child is better than a hungry child

Ah god theboldtype that sounds wretched. Horrible. What adult would want casserole for breakfast? Maybe you should treat your kids how you’d like to be treated your self...

My ds is a very fussy eater, he has issues with texture and temperature of food. Since we figured that out, it became slightly easier. Also we had dietitian, so we are not worried nutrition wise.
Do recommend to see HV/Dr to get referral.