The mess is making me suicidal

I’d be letting him sleep in my room room at night ,in a onesie ,so I could supervise every move he makes
I’d also clear out anything nice you don’t want ruined or soiled or broken .pack it away for now .
Make sure your other son ,has his toys locked safe in his room.
Get a TAC organised ASAP .
Get them told you need a residential school as he is impacting on your younger child.
You have to push and push .

No useful advice sorry - just adding my concern/awareness that you're doing something amazingly difficult day in day out. Hope you manage to sort some respite x

I would give him his own comfortable room that’s entirely for him and have him spend the majority of his time there so he can be comforted by it rather than seemingly distressed running around destroying the rest of the house. And that way if he does damage or mess it up, it’s confined to one room

Residential school .but you have to push for it .
Untill then ,lock with a key ( get a locksmith out ) all your internal doors so you contain the mess in one room
If he needs to go to another room you take him and lock the room you came out of .
Keep him with you all all times
Get him in a onesie to keep the nappy contents in .change him the minute he soils the nappy
You need to keep him with you all the time to supervise
Mine was not as difficult as yours ,but doing this eased it somewhat
Key goes in your pocket so door can’t be left open

Automatic door closers if your 7 year old leaves doors open? Sorry, not much help but I do feel for you and send you a hand hold

I used to work with this exact population (specialist residential home which focused on behavioural stabilisation).

Getting him to stop will be difficult, but not impossible and realistically it's just too much work for just you. Where I worked was all 1:1 care, with lots of support, and we struggled sometimes.

In terms of practical advice keep things as clear as they can and keep him as contained as you can. If you can afford it get a big weeble. Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. It can be a bit infuriating for someone who wants everything on the ground but it might slow him down a little.

In terms of the smearing, that can be really difficult. Other than trying not to react when it happens I'd recommend lots of sensory play with different textures. Baking if you want to be occupational, play dough and kinetic sand if you just want to slow down. It won't always work, but sometimes it might, and sometimes is good.

I'd speak to social work though, there is no shame in asking for help. The parents of the people we worked with all felt horrible guilt at first, but when they realised that it allowed them to have a fairly normal parenting experience at weekends, and saw how much their children improved in such a hugely structured environment the guilt faded (and for clarity I mean structured as in the psychologist made the plan, the plan was followed - we were maybe unique in that breaking routines was something we actively did to help control future behaviours).

I was a respite carer for a very similar sounding boy. I am afraid it is only going to get worse as he approaches puberty. You will have to fight social care and school to get him more respite. The mum I worked for spent hours every day asking for help. She finally called the mental health crisis team and told them she couldn't go on and was afraid for his welfare. Then she got daily respite and weekend overnights. She didn't want to send him to board, but now he is 14, and school suggested it. They have one room (lounge) which has a locking door and mostly plastic furniture including vinyl flooring for easy clean up. It is sad as he has three sisters and parents who only use the lounge to care for him, but if you want him at home, you may need to try it.

Be very careful telling socail care you might harm him. Child protection in your current situation would be hell

So its paid by education

I think you have to tell your social worker that you can’t cope, that you feel suicidal and fear that you will harm him or he will harm you. Nothing will happen unless they think you are desperate as all help is so expensive. Do you want residential or foster care? In the long term it sounds like it will be difficult for him to remain at home as when he gets bigger and stronger he could seriously hurt you.

It is harder to get wakeing day curriculum in juniors but in no way impossible. It's far more common at secondary. There are a few children at my sons school who have boarded mon-fri since much younger than 10.

That kind of set up comes via the ehcp and it needs to go in the socail care bit ( I think?)

If you argue that he needs to learn life skills as part of the ehcp that helps

Can you lock one room that can be just yours and yours alone so you have some head space and space for yourself

How mentally and physically draining for you. I really bet your exhausted. 😩

I would fight for residential school or a lot of respite.

Hi @Whyme21 what sort of suggestions are you wanting? Are you wanting day to day practical advice or advice about services you could utilise?

I think firstly you need to think about what level of input you want. There are services out there but I understand how difficult it is to access them. Do you have an allocated social worker? They are probably the best starting point to tell you what is available locally.
You could consider respite, IME respite helps some families as it gives something to aim for and knowing there is going to be a regular break helps.
You could consider residential care, such as 52 week residential schooling. Places like this have full teams on site such as behaviour therapy, SALT, psychology etc and you can visit or have your son for overnights at home. Again IME this helps families as the time spent together becomes quality time not everyday struggles.

I should also say that his dad was very against any residential but once it had been achieved, the relief was immense. We still had our son at weekends and school holidays but we had a break to be normal and stress free. I honestly think I might not be here if it hadn't happened. I feel like I have lived on high alert for years; it is hard to describe what that does to your health and general well being.

Whyme21
I have been there. My eldest is severely autistic and at that age was obsessed with beads and other items that would be thrown all over the floor. He would pour cereal onto the floor, flood the bathroom, tear up furnishings etc etc. In the end I cracked. I told my partner that if we didn't get either respite or residential school, I would leave. We fought hard for a weekly boarding placement at a specialist school. It was not the end of the story but it did give me some respite and the strength to carry on. There is only so much that a person can cope with. I really do recommend that you consider it.

Hi, this sounds incredibly hard op. Are you aware that you are a parent carer and entitled by law to have an assessment of your own needs? You should be able to access support and a break from caring for your son when needed X

Have you ever seen occupational therapy for sensory diets?

Have you asked for a socail care assessment?

How would feel about a waking day curriculum with boarding?

My son has ASD. I moved him out of state SEN into independent SEN school. He boards one night a week. I also had to really battle for a disability socail worker

Can further calming medication be investigated for your child to take? It must be completely exhausting for both of you.

On a practical level can you lock some rooms so your son can't access them to trash them before school?

I know this doesn't solve much.