The mess is making me suicidal

It sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job and I really applaud you. It must be beyond hard. I hope you get some support and get some respite.

I'm sorry life is so difficult for you. I hope you find some outside support.

@Goodnightelizabethwalton^^

‘You are braver than me as I couldn’t cope with the endless groundhog day existence, mess and no hope of improvement‘

It’s not bravery - there’s no choice so you have to go on. You would cope because there isn’t another choice. Sending your child to live somewhere else isn’t just like sending them to their grandparents house and it’s not something any parent would do lightly.

Please don’t say ‘I couldn’t cope’ as advice as it’s not or empathy. If you were in this situation you would probably be doing exactly as the OP is.

You need to contact social services as you absolutely need immediate help and support. Video his behaviour so that health professionals are under no illusion about what is going on. Know this - you are courageous beyond words and really hope that you get some help so that you can both live a life that is worth living. Hugs x

With toys, if you have loft space/another place to store things, would rotating them every couple of weeks be a viable option so you didn't have many out to get turned into mess?

I agree that unfortunately it seems as though minimalism is going to be the only way.

Depending on the size of your house I would select one or two rooms to have exactly as you want them. You have the only key and no one, not even the seven year old, can go in without you.

I'd then select a room or two to child proof as completely as possible. Washable flooring, washable paint, cupboards locked shut, no curtains, nothing on shelves. Maybe speakers/TV high enough that they are out of reach? And other things your son likes. Other rooms could then be minimalist with locked cupboards etc but not so bare as to make you feel miserable? If the seven year old then didn't lock a room like that it wouldn't be a catastrophe, and you'd still have somewhere you could go afterwards?

That way you wouldn't feel the entire house was trashed as well.

Agreed that more respite sounds essential, but it's so hard to find the strength to push and argue and arrange when you're already at breaking point.

Demand that you need help or you will need to consider requesting social services steps in, i know 2 people who have done this and it didn't affect their other child, in one case they got residential school m-f, the other got 2 nights per week respite.

You are braver than me as I couldn’t cope with the endless groundhog day existence, mess and no hope of improvement - I would look to full time care in a residential specialist setting where I and family could visit. Unless you have your home set up with his own areas and he is kept out of the rest you will never be able to control the messes. Plus extra carers 24/7!

Honestly OP I think you should consider a residential school. He needs an outlet for his emotions and the scope to explore his environment and pretty much constant supervision and I just dont see any way that could be provided full time in a family home. However much you love him what you describe is unsustainable.

Simply cannot imagine how hard this must be for you. I get that you struggle with the thought of him being away from you because you love him, but because you love him, you need some time away from him. Because what good will you be to him if you leave, crack up etc. Although it may take time, he might form a bond with a particular carer. This scenario reminds me of the advice on the plane about putting your own oxygen mask on before you help others. Your son's need you to take care of yourself in order to take care of them. A night away might also give you some quality time with your youngest son. In the meanwhile all that I can suggest is locking as much stuff away as possible. Also, would a pet help relieve his anxiety? Or even a life like toy/robotic one? You can get some life-like looking ones that you put on the end of your bed and they just very gently breathe, purr and sleep. I bought one for my friends autistic son and it apparently helped him at night a little bit.

Hugs to you this is no life,

@TheSoapyFrog - ha, practically the same post at the same time!

Hi OP, not completely the same but my almost 4 year old has sensory processing disorder and she literally dismantles the house. It drives me absolutely crackers. This isn’t like your usual toddler making a mess, it is something very very different. I can’t really put it into words but it’s just endless rummaging in everything. You turn round and she’s smearing toothpaste out, clear that up and by the time you have all your shoes are strewn all round the house. I’ve lost it a few times and shudder about it because I feel like I’m being abusive - the exhaustion of another bag you’ve packed for the day being taken out and strewn around the house combined with the idea that this might be happening for the rest of your life is just overwhelming.

So my only tip is accept that this happens and baby proof and deClutter to the extreme. In the lounge we have nothing apart from tv (high up) sofa and cushions. No toys upstairs, no picture frames at a height she can touch, bedside draws all empty. Not that many clothes in her wardrobe and wash regularly, so if she empties It there’s not much to tidy away. Locks on kitchen cupboards, not that many toys - you probably don’t need as many as you have. Things in the bathroom are high up and out away. I have a stairgate to the living area so I can keep her in an area and she can’t wonder round the house messing it up. Things like school shoes /school bags are kept high up on a work surface or Shelf thing so that when they come home they go there and are still there in the morning.

It sounds pretty joyless and I look round at everything high up and wonder if we will ever be able to keep things in normal places but know it’s better for everyone If we aren’t just endlessly picking up things she’s pulled apart. Every time you clear something away just think ‘do I need this and if so, where out of reach can it go?’

I hope this helps.

My son is very similar to yours. I'm exhausted from having to be constantly on top of everything all the time. The only thing I've found useful is prevention. I never leave anything on the dish rack anymore, don't leave any plates or cups on the side, everything is locked away. Every room but his own his locked unless someone is in it.
I'm lucky he hasn't figured out his baby gate yet! His room is safe.
I can't have any nice things on display. No plants, no ornaments, no vases of flowers etc. Anything I have out, I have out in the knowledge it will probably become a broken thing. If I don't supervise him 100% of the time, I have to I that something will be broken. Luckily his twin is a snitch, so he'll let me know.
He wears a zip up back onesie with a little button at the top so he can't nude up and smear poo.
Sometimes I break down and cry because it gets too much. I spend all day while he's at school cleaning, tidying, doing laundry and putting the house back together.
I'm terrified that a day might come when I really can't handle him because otherwise he's my adorable, gorgeous boy and I don't like being away from him, but when he's in his teens or an adult, residential might be the only option.

Just trying to remember what we did
Everything was plastic ,any plates cups that broke were packed away .
Fridge ,draws ,cupboards all had child locks on .every cupboard had a padlock .nothing was left out .
Lounge we cleared the lot out .tv up high ,just sofa ,and rug we put laminate down in most rooms ,easy to clean .
Windows obviously had locks as did front door
He needs an area to be in ,lounge with his toys and you supervise him .
Could you get a mini trampoline to bounce on in the lounge ,or a sensory cube with plastic poles ,would he go in one .
We got lots of big cardboard boxes for him to hid in and crayon in ..
I don’t know if your son would do that ,or if he would eat them or colour on the walls ...I think the main things are plastic and unbreakable only ,and lock everything away

Just sending admiration and love . If it’s any help ,I worked as staff in residential care and loved my kids with the freshness that comes from shift work and pay . X

I was wondering if there is any possibility of a residential school? I know of someone whose child stays at school several nights every other week. So it is not all week but gives the respite needed to enable them to be effective during the times that their daughter is at home.

You should not feel guilty at all in seeking this type of arrangement, it is in your sons best interest for you to have regular respite so that you can give him your best when he is with you. You getting respite is ultimately helping your son.

Have you spoken to Social Services? You might be entitled to a PA who would offer a number of hours per week for respite.

Also, I'm sure you already have but go as minimalistic as possible and let him have an area where he CAN make a mess.

Thinking of your family OP x

I have no experience so can't add anything but I wanted to say that I can't imagine how totally worn out you must be, it honestly is even hard to get my head around how stressful that must be.

As for the people who have voted that YABU, words fail me sometimes, they really do.

Hugs, lots of good advice from pp

I really really feel for you. I have a nonverbal DS too who can also be quite destructive but possibly not to the same extent. Does your boy have much understanding?

You’re amazing OP. I don’t know how you have coped. Please contact SS and tell them how desperate you are.

Hi, so sorry this is happening to you both. You may be already doing this, but please take all the help you can get now and in the future. Push for respite, take any you can get. Do you have a shared care or shared lives type service were you are? (basically short term foster care with volunteers). DS might be accommodated for one weekend a month or weeks during the holidays. Please do not discount someone because they are not 'the right fit.' Its hard I know, but if he won't go out with them, go out yourself and leave them at home, these things take time to settle - he will go out with them eventually. DO NOT DISCOUNT RESIDENTIAL SCHOOLING. Sorry I don't mean to shout, but seriously the saddest thing I have ever seen was on a home visit once to a gentleman similar to your son aged 70, whose 93 year old mother was still caring for him at home. Husband long since dead and other children estranged, in part because of her complete focus in her son. He ran complete riot in her home assaulting her etc as I'm sure you can imagine. Its heart breaking. She is dead now and he of course is thriving in residential care, but it would have been much better if she had been able to settle him in herself decades ago. Make yourself known to all services, all the therapies, soc serv. GPs MENCAP, school obviously - tell them all you are not coping and ask them what else they can provide. Actually even ask them to document that you have told them this. Make it their problem. Sending loads of best wishes.