The mess is making me suicidal

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice either. But sending you hugs. What I can tell you is that it sounds like you are doing an amazing job and are an amazing parent. You are a true super star x

Praying for you and your family OP. Some really good advice on here.x

I’d speak to your social worker and headteacher on Monday. You will have to push to be heard. Couldn’t Occupational Therapy help with the bed? Also you should be eligible for a Disability Facilities Grant to create a safe environment for him. My friend had a child with similar behaviour and she went through all the options, including residential weekend respite. In the end she went to tribunal to get a place ar a residential school. Her son was younger than yours. Sadly, you have to make a fuss to get any help. It sounds so draining.i feel for you.

I just want to send you

Your DC deserve a happy joyful Mum that has the energy to enjoy spending time with them. In residential school he will have excellent carers that get to go home and recharge.

They deserve you at your best, not broken and exhausted because you can't cope anymore.

Anyone that judges has not even done a day being you in your shoes.

Whyme21
He was 15 when he started in residential but I should have done it sooner. His dad was so against it that he always vetoed any discussion of it even though our ds was a day pupil at a specialist school that offered weekly boarding. He had overnight respite from around aged 12. People coming to take my ds out did not work for us either. They were not really skilled enough and they just didn't know him. By the time my son went to weekly boarding, I can quite honestly say I was broken. My ds was destroying our house. He was up in the middle of the night doing all sorts. We had put locks on our other child's door so she could feel safe. I slept with our door open so I could get up if I heard him in the night. There are some great residential schools out there. One that I have heard good things about is Priors Court. It was too far from me and my ds was already settled at his current school that offered weekly boarding. I would give it a look.

Sorry to hear how hard this is.you can get locks to put on cupboard doors restricted access to rooms by locking door all in one suit to stop your son accessing contents of pad.having mineral items in house.ask for advice from school regarding sensory ball trampoline etc. Explain to school your suition they will have ideas and agency’s they can put you in contact with.I really hope you get help and support soon

And remember that residential school may just be the best for your dc for the structure. Fresh well slept carers
Respite care and residential school is not givjing up it s looking for best option for child and family
Respite centres aNd residential school can give fantastic opportunities for dc with complex needs to learn and grow. My ds gained a lot. Now luves in supported living with 24/7 support. And i czn see him when i wish ( covid petmitting)

Respite care
Respite care
Respite care

My ds had overnight respite care from age 10.
You havs to ask.
You have to hand over your child just as you do for school even if the "fit" is not 100% give it a chance.

If you feel you might kill him or you go to a and e wirh him they will arrange emergency foster care placement.

Call duty social worker children with disabilities .
You can call duty social worker tonight via your council switchboard if you cannot cope. They can arrange emegency care and you can seek help for yourr mh

Abandonedment can also result in child protection. Unless your at that point for real. With other kids in the house threats of CP is utterly terrifying.

It's a extremely thin line and one wrong word can cross you over that line. CP case when your on your knees isnt fun.

I phoned Mash in the end. It wasnt easy, opened a can of worms and I really had to stand my ground. I'm not sure it's a good idea to go into details here but OP offer is there if you want a chat.

Just to say I'm sorry it's so hard. You're doing brilliantly x

I work with adults with a disability and I would support any parent to put forward a case for residential care. Get reports, records,incidents and put together a proposal. I’ve know families who have “ abandoned” their children in A and E or to the Acute Admissions Unit and then the local Health Board have had to find a service for them. It’s very dramatic and sad but it can produce an outcome . I’ve found that successful outcomes only happen after families cease to provide support. I’m so sorry for the situation you find yourself in x

No you have absolutely no idea wether you could cope or not @Goodnightelizabethwalton ,untill you have been in that situation you haven't a clue! Op I get it I have a severely Autistic non verbal ten year old too it's hard work and there is little respite available ,all those blase suggesting residential placements ,whilst it might be the best option for some people ,but it's not a decision any parent takes lightly ,and it's certainly not easy to get .

This sounds awful and very difficult. Like others I suggest residential care where you can visit him. A close friend of mine whom I have known almost all of my life has a younger sister in residential care and it has been so beneficial to thier mother. It's not cruel or heartless, infact their widowed mother cared for her child until she was 19 but the truth is there comes a point where children become adults. One day your son will be bigger than you (and with boys it could only be 4 or 5 years away). You wont be able to lift him, move him away from things and he could harm you. It wouldnt be a safe or loving environment for either of you. With him in residential care you can maintain that love for your son, it would be awful for you to become afraid of him or to resent him.

Theres a onesie that buttons down the back to stop disabled children smearing nappy contents. Have you asked his teacher & school for ideas, as an ex teacher I'm sure they'd help: you sound at breaking point. Will he colour? Or watch kids TV or a cartoon ? Maybe sweep the room ornaments / plants into a small basket & put behind the sofa or on a high shelf in the room before he gets home. (Baby gate or put locks on other rooms ).That way when he's in bed you get the basket down & put the nice decor bits back.

OP if you want to PM me on here I can tell you how we got out of state into indi SEN as it has more scope for overnight care.

It doesnt have to mean full boarding. Ours is one night a week. Normally, unfortunately that means a appeal. However not in my case but I was in highly unusual circumstances and told my LA to take me to appeal as would win hands down. They knew that was true so basically no appeal.

The other option is tell SS honestly your entering a phase where it's not sustainable and you be looking into residentlly care or fostering. Most LAs have no fostering capacity and its £250k pa for care.

Overnight respite will them look more appealing purely on cost.

Neither was easy. I wont lie. But it's not about being brave is it? It's about lack of options.

I agree with at least considering residential care. I think you need to emphasize how it's affecting your younger sons childhood and your own health.

I agree with everyone who says you will need to fight for a residential placement. You can’t go on like this - you will have a breakdown and both your kids will end up in care.

And it’s not fair on your 7yo - social services owe him and you a duty of care.

Social workers will do nothing if they think you are coping right now, you need to make a hell of a fuss to get anything I’m afraid.

You need to act now - it doesn't happen over night. And your son is only going to get bigger and stronger .

Op this must push you to breaking point. And yes of course you love him. The bigger picture is that residential care Monday to Friday could be just what you all need to thrive and be happier.

Your post brought back memories of when I babysat for my Mothers friend . Her dc had severe brain damage caused by birth injury. The child was non verbal and did not respond to directions except anything related to food.
The whole downstairs of the friends house was as bare as possible. Only a 3 piece suite and Heavy Tv in a cabinet in the living room. All of the 'ornaments' on the mantle piece were plastic . The DC loved to swipe all surfaces of objects so she could have this activity while not damaging anything.Curtains were hung with a simple wire that could be replaced easily if pulled down.
What astounded me was that the Dc had a metal hospital cot - with 4 high sides which were tied up and there was a type of cargo net slung over the top.
Once the DC was in bed -and surprisingly she went to bed well -she wasnt able to get out herself until release by the parent. As she grew bigger and stronger her bed was put downstairs in the dining room so that she could be observed during the evening. The parents took turns in sleeping downstairs to be on hand when she woke and needed attention.
When that became unsustainable she had to go to a permanent care placement.

You are exhausted and burned out and you need at least some respite.
There is some great advice on here. I can't add anything except to express my sympathy.

OP, my goodness. You sound strong but at breaking point. Some food advice on this thread, I truly hope it gets better for you

I've no advice at all because I just don't have the experience with people who have ASD and additional needs, but I wanted to say that your needs matter too OP, and your feelings are completely valid.

Some great people giving advice on here for you. I can imagine it's a battle but for your sake OP please fight the battle so that you can get the care you need too.

Good god, love, I'm so sorry. This sounds... I can't even describe how awful. Your poor thing.