AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

We have according to the latest report the unhappiest children in Europe .
It was put down to poverty in uk but the happiest children were in poorer countries where parents weren’t working full time . Denmark had the happiest children. They have a culture of more part time work too.

So if you feel guilty then step back for a few years . Raising happy children is far more important than a career . I went back to work when my children started school and stopped when I realised it wasn’t helping them - it was all about me and this belief we all have to be out there earning ( and paying tax - so governments promote that idea) Luckily I had them young and have been able to go on a start my own successful business . All your stress feeds to the children and husband with all that entails .

You can also cook better meals and shop more economically . It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without . Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work but there is def a culture against the SAHM .

Anyway - think your answer is in above report 😊

I don't think it's an aspiration as much as a want or a choice (hopefully, some are obviously forced to due to other circumstances). Anyone could stay at home, I feel sad if girls have staying at home with my children as their aspiration growing up.

I recently dropped my hours at work so that I now work a 4.5 day week over 4 days, so I have an extra day at home with DS. It's lovely and I'm really glad I did it but mostly because it's really nice for me to have a day with less rushing and to chill out and to spend with him. I haven't noticed that I suddenly have 50% more memories of him - how does that work, that if I read him ten books a day at the weekend, so 20 a week, I won't remember the cute way he turns the pages and joins in with the ones he knows but if I do it 30 times I will? Or is it just that I still don't get the memories because I'm still the dreadful working mother so I really need to do it 70 times a week to have a hope of remembering it?

What is blissful is that DH now also works a four day week, and it is so nice having a day where I work but don't worry about nursery drop-offs and where dinner is made before I even stop work. We also did shared parental leave and the four months where I was at work and he wasn't were probably the easiest of parenthood. So I totally get why so many men suddenly discover an ideological commitment to someone (the woman, of course) being at home with the children, it's why so many women find it so attractive that I find a bit baffling.

I enjoyed watching my children grow and progress but I didn’t need to give up work and be home all the time to do that. Believe it or not, parenting is something that’s done by people with jobs as well as those without.

It’s about striking a healthy balance in life so that we’re all able to develop all our talents, be they work-based or childcare/home- based.

And frankly, while being at home with young children is far more than scraping purée off the walls, changing nappies and running the hoover round, the fact is that if you have a set up with one WOHP and one SAHP, the majority of the mundane stuff will fall to the parent at home simply because it’s easier for them to do those things when they’re not going to work. I was only ever home full time on maternity leaves, but during those months I was the one doing the laundry, wiping up mess and prepping dinner- simply because I was there to do it.

So while I’ll well aware of the joys of watching children grow and learn, I’m conscious of the fact that that’s not something exclusive to parents who are home full time, and I’m equally conscious that quite honestly, a lot of the daily routine isn’t actually mind blowingly exciting. It’s necessary stuff but frankly I’m flipping relieved I wasn’t singlehandedly responsible for doing all the school runs, laundry, food shopping etc

And i have learned that teenagers are disloyal and dont give a shit what you have done for them. So by that point you have sacrificed over 10 years to 'be rewarded' to then be treated like shit, moaned at, stuck clearing up their shit and paying them money for all the things they need. Then they leave.
I am looking forward to living again on my own having them flying on their own. What will you do when yours leave?

My mother had very young children when she decided to build a school. So she did. She has seen thousands of children progress and grow and develop. Children who loved the school so much they are now sending their own children there. It's rewarding.

Well I obviously “ ain’t got it “ either as I didn’t enjoy scraping dried up puréed fruit and regurgitated milk off Various household surfaces .

I get lots of joy out of watching ds grow, but quite frankly I do get more joy or as much from getting scientific results and watching my students grow too.
Children grow quickly and then you're left behind most times.

It's not even to be career driven, but we can leave our mark in the world other than through our children.

Yes of course it's challenging to combine 2 careers with taking care of home and children. It's shit though that the default position is still that the father can continue unencumbered, and it's up to the mother to find a solution and give up on her personal aspirations.

Even in case of OP - they are both doctors. They have both worked hard to get where they are. They probably have same or similar career perspectives in the long run. But it took this thread before OP even considered that her DH might need to make some adjustments in his career for the benefit of his family as well.

OP I'm so glad you have found a solution. Glad your husband will be doing his part too. Wishing you luck with the rest of your training and your little ones.

and you can always take up your career later.

It's not that simple, especially in medicine.

When did wanting to look after your own child become a low aspiration?

It depends how you look at it, when did wanting to give up on years and years of training, exams, working and hard graft to stay home with your children because you feel a misplaced guilt because aspirational.

A dr friend of mine stepped off the training programme at Reg level (I think) for a couple of years when her kids were small and went into a research post. She said it gave her a bit of breathing space with more family friendly hours. She's now a consultant.

Would this be an option?

I gave up work for 8 years, but have never been career driven. I returned to work, progressed, enjoyed my job, enjoyed my children, less stressed and am happy with my choices. I have a good work life balance, love my time off and hobbies and love my job.

It's very hard it you are career orientated, but is life really all about career progression? Will you actually enjoy reaching the top of the tree?

A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food.

Erm, no it's fun and watching your child progress through your activities is a huge reward.
If it's as described you'd best use proper childcare, coz you ain't got it, love.

If you could choose now and imagine being a full time mum for a number of years, and that is what you'd like, then do it.

Either way you will feel guilty, so what would make you happy enough to push that guilt to one side? Could you move to a cheaper area and to a more rural area so that you can have a house and garden?

Currently it doesn't look sustainable and you can always take up your career later.

I don't think I'd completely give up but rather be looking at a change of direction to something more family friendly since your husband is not willing or able to share parenting with you.

You may not eventually reach the same dizzy heights but perhaps you could head down the General Practice route? You wouldn't then be throwing everything away like if you chucked it all in, but could continue part time and be there for your children too? When they're older and need you less, perhaps you could consider returning to surgery if you still want to? They arent tiny forever but I think once you step off the wheel, it's harder to get back on it.

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something

Anyone else remember in Adrian Mole when he says exactly this to Pandora when he's talking about what will happen when they marry? I think it's 'I told her I wouldn't mind her having a little part time job in a shop or something'.

Of course she tears him a new one over it.

OP good luck with the decisions ahead. Reflecting on this thread I've got a few thoughts:

The childcare and living arrangements are not yours alone to sort out. Your DH must take responsibility.

Most people have around 45/50 years of work activity. Child rearing (if your kids are fairly close in age) only takes about 20 years of this. You will have a huge amount of time to do positive and fulfilling work when your children are independent but only if you stick with the training.

Children's childhood memories are very patchy and random. They might remember significant events or a particular holiday or a funny incident at school but they won't give much thought to who picks them up from school and gives them tea as long as that care is consistent, reliable and loving. It really doesn't matter if it's provided by you, DH, a nanny or a relative.

A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food. By the time your children are older and really need you around to provide friendship advice, exam support, career guidance etc it sounds as if you (and your DH) will have more flexibility in your work and can be more available for them. Your relationship with your children will continue for the rest of your life - don't get sidetracked by focusing on the first 5/10 years; try and see the bigger picture.

A little part-time job in a shop????!!!!

That sounds like my grandmother who, when I got into medical school was very upset and said to me "oh no, you will have such a hard life, why don't you become a secretary?" No offence to secretaries, but it's hardly the same thing as a medical career which one has been fighting and working for since (in my case) I was about 12.

When did wanting to look after your own child become a low aspiration?

It is, if it's all you want to do in your day.
Even more so if you're giving up years of training.

Mums with jobs and careers also look after their children, you know? They won't cry for the caregiver or the nanny at night or if they're ill.

Something like a PhD or md until the kids are in school? Might give you a bit of breathing space

Says no PhD student ever.