AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I would stick with the job.

I felt in the same boat when my kids were small. I spent years deliberating - I tortured myself. Everyone advised me to quit my job. I did actually quit a couple of times when it got too much, and regrettably I did have to take time off sick sometimes.

No doubt I will get grief for this, but I stuck with it out of principle, because I could not bear to give in to the "patriarchy". It's not a conspiracy, but I feel we as women will never be equal until we are prepared to stick with it. I feel we have to lead the way somehow, not just for us but for our daughters, and for women all over the world who do t have those opportunities.

In terms of my kids, they were okay. They are now academically successful, independent teenagers.

The only real sacrifices in retrospect were the ones I made in terms of exhaustion and effort, plus missing time with them. Having said that, excess time with them can be too much anyway. But then I just felt lucky when I pictured all the brave women like single mums who work to the bone for less reward.

Now the kids are older, I've ticked all my career boxes. We are comfortably off, we have a lovely house, and I have a decent pension for the future. I am now taking some time off for study and possibly a change of direction.

I've set a good example to my daughters and they never once question my decisions.

Too often, we encourage women to give up. I had so many people telling me to put "life" first over work. But in my view, you never get anywhere without hard work. I like to feel the stretch.

*A lot of early years childcare is dull and focused on cleaning up and preparing food.

Erm, no it's fun and watching your child progress through your activities is a huge reward.
If it's as described you'd best use proper childcare, coz you ain't got it, love.*

Thanks love I had three children close together and DH and I juggled part-time work and part-time childcare between us. By the time no 3 came along I must confess I was getting a little bored with the fifth year in a row of making conversation with a pre-schooler. On the days I worked I enjoyed being able to make phone calls and send emails without a toddler interrupting me or the luxury of going to the loo by myself.

Maybe in your view that means "I ain't got it" but my DC are now happy teens, we have lots of fun together and have interesting conversations. It's very easy to focus on the early years but we have (hopefully) life long relationships with our children and it's fine to share out some of the work in raising them to adulthood to other people along the way whether it's a nanny, a nursery, a relative or teachers once they start school. Particularly if your jobs involves healing ill people. It would be a shame if you turned up to hospital for an op only to find there was no surgeon to do it as they were all at home singing "wheels on the bus".

Raising happy children is far more important than a career Haven't you heard of balance? My children are so happy and relaxed. Even the one year old, everyone comments on what happy children they are. I also work full time as I love my job as a care home manager and my 5yo sees value in my job. I wouldn't want to be depended on a man.

I went back to work when my children started school and stopped when I realised it wasn’t helping them - it was all about me and this belief we all have to be out there earning ( and paying tax - so governments promote that idea) Why did you stop work and not their other parent? You could have both gone part time?

All your stress feeds to the children and husband with all that entails What about the stress from men to their children and wives? Or are you just here to push misogyny? Because that's what it sounds like and I genuinely feel so sorry for you. As a woman I can't imagine internalising sexism against women.

You can also cook better meals and shop more economically 😂😂😂😂 I manage to do that as well as work, it really isn't difficult!

It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without Many families need 2 incomes to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies.

Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work but there is def a culture against the SAHM What? You've just spent time criticising women for working. There isn't a "culture against sahms". There is a society against women in general. There is a society which perceives any choice as wrong if it is a choice made by a woman.

There is absolutely no evidence that UK children are the unhappiest in Europe because their parents work! Many countries which the stats say have happier children have a culture of better gender equality and it’s actually far more usual for mums to work.

@annabelindajane it is patently untrue that the U.K. has the unhappiest children in Europe and that this is due to parents working. For anyone interested in real facts then you can find the WHO analysis here www.weforum.org/agenda/2020/09/child-well-being-health-happiness-unicef-report/

The happiest children are (mostly) in countries where they have a Liberal, progressive approach to family life and working such as Scandinavian countries.

Also your comment on mum’s working All your stress feeds to your husband with all that entails Have you come from the 1950’s? FFS

I’m smiling to myself that irks okay if you have to work but not if you want to.
I mean I like kids a lot - so much that when my 3 grew up I started fostering.
But I also liked making award winning TV shows.
I don’t suppose there’s a world where I could say I HAD to do that...

If you choose to be a SAHM then great. But bear in mind how insecure that is if you separate or divorce, when you've no work history for years and given away your personality and identity to do school runs and groups.

Given away your personality? Was that really necessary? These threads always decent into thinly veiled insults, it's so disheartening. Women bashing women for "choices" foisted upon us by patriarchy.

When I was a SAHM I certainly didn't give away my personality
or my identity. I studied for another masters part time around naps and evenings, the radio was on all day so I kept to to date with current affairs, because I was with the DC all day I had no qualms about leaving them to do hobbies/socialise at the weekends (practically ran out the door ).

It was hard going and I hated having all the day to day responsibility all of the time (DH worked insane hours) but it added another facet to my identity/personality as opposed to destroying it.

I'm so glad OP isn't giving up a career she loves but it wouldn't make her "lesser" if she wanted to. Imagine telling a newly retired person that they now have no personality! Mean, unnecessary and simply untrue.

I wouldn’t recommend that anyone makes work/life decisions in the belief that there’s a specific formula that guarantees a happy child. My mother was a SAHM for 18 years and I know she feels angry and cheated that I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety since my early teens (“But you’ve got no REASON to be depressed. I was a great mother”).

Look for other alternatives in the same field as you have to know whether re entering a profession after a career break is easy.

You sound young so you have many years of a successful career ahead of you and would you be happy not using your wealth of skill and knowledge in the future?

I know families where the parents had demanding jobs and relied heavily on childcare in the past and they have brilliant relationships with their parents (plus being successful in their own right)

With 2 parents as medics I would be surprised if the children won't be academically successful in future and I wouldn't worry too much in this regard.

Finalising a career can feel like mourning when you have invested heavily in it.....

‘I couldn’t put them in nursery or leave them with a nanny’.

You COULD have: you didn’t want to do that. Fair enough - up to you and your DH.

Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work

Obviously. Just a criticism of mums who want to work.

I came on to say that Denmark also has heavily subsidised childcare and a culture of better gender equality than the UK and many other places, but I see others have pointed that all out too. Happier children is not all down to part-time work, and it certainly isn't all down to women forgoing or giving up careers.

You can also cook better meals and shop more economically . It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without . Obviously this is not a criticism of mums/ dads who have to work but there is def a culture against the SAHM .

Newsflash.
It doesn't have to be either or.

We can work full time and still prepare healthy meals that don't take hours in the kitchen.

We may work full time, but not the long hours that would take us to the top.

The culture of working long hours with poor work-life balance is the main problem.

But there are other choices we can make.
For example, I've chosen to spend more time with DS than going out or with friends, for example. We did similar activities or I went to and socialised with parents at his activities.
I didn't send him to bed at 6pm because I needed adult time.
It was never a problem for me to stay with him in bed till he fell asleep because it was a good time to chat.
He has actually been exposed to my work environment and colleagues, which is so much more enriching than home. (We've still gone to too many museums and parks, in his opinion )

My DH very vocally wanted me to stay in work when our first DC and then our second was born. I didn’t want to stop working but I couldn’t put them in nursery or leave them with a nanny and he couldn’t, and didn’t think it necessary, to cut back his work to be at home with the children. My old job is notoriously incompatible with any form of hands-on parenting. The percentage of men at the top of the tree Is in the high 90s.

A decade later, and while I have at times found being with the children so boring and dull as to want to make me run away, it’s suddenly got a whole lot easier. I have time in my hands for the first time. I’m sure that quitting work was the right decision (DH still thinks “it would have been fine if we’d had a nanny” - which it would have, for him and no doubt for the DC too, but not for me). I’m looking forward to putting the skills I trained for 7 years to acquire, and put into practice for 14 years, to use in a way that allows me to have it all now. Perhaps part-time paid work in the not-for-profit sector, perhaps voluntary work, perhaps studying. For pleasure.

I will say that the woman I am now is quite different from the one I was 10 years ago. I haven’t lost ambition. I’m just ambitious across all parts of my life now, and also have ageing parents who require care. I don’t have laser focus on my career to the exclusion of all else. For me, this is a much more balanced, and healthier way to be in my 40s. I have no regrets.

The employment rate of women with children is quite a bit higher in Denmark than in the UK. So children of working mothers must be happier?

We have according to the latest report the unhappiest children in Europe .
It was put down to poverty in uk but the happiest children were in poorer countries where parents weren’t working full time . Denmark had the happiest children. They have a culture of more part time work too.

I'm sure that is probably a very simplistic view to say parents not working make for happier children. UK children start formal school much younger than other countries, where they spend more time in nursery / kindergarten. We have some of the biggest class sizes. Vast differences in wealth, long hours, long commutes.

But you know what I'm sure kids would be happier in the comfort of knowing there's plenty food in the cupboard but mum and dad are working than mum and dad both at home relying on the food bank.

Don't take it for granted that Dad will always be fit enough to be the breadwinner.

There’s still a drop off for some specialities though. The op has done very well so far. I’m glad to hear the update.

‘In contrast, the approximately equal numbers of male and female physicians in Scandinavia have coincided with the emergence of progressive work–life policies, the belief that motherhood and employment can be combined, and changing expectations of work-life balance.’

Denmark does raise happy children (generally) but importantly realises the above.

‘ Raising happy children is far more important than a career‘

Never said to men.

Also OP doesn't hate her job.

It might not be for you but she can sneer right back at those who thought she wasted her education.

Well she didn't waste it if she has gone on to do cosmetic procedures, surely?

It was 25yrs ago but I have a friendwho qualified as a doctor and hated it and became a beautician out of her house when she had young children. Then all the cosmetic procedures took off and she now has a very successful business. It might not be for you but she can sneer right back at those who thought she wasted her education.

It was put down to poverty in uk but the happiest children were in poorer countries where parents weren’t working full time . Denmark had the happiest children. They have a culture of more part time work too.

Denmark is a very wealthy country with a very large proportion of women in work and heavily subsidised childcare. It’s often held up as a beacon of gender equality.

If my husband was a doctor, I'd have a little part time job in a shop or something, and pick my child up from school every day!

But OP is also a doctor. She hasn’t just married one. I don’t know much about the medical career path but I am guessing she has already spent many years and many thousands of pounds on getting to this point. She also enjoys her job.

There is another thread currently active on here which was started by a mum who has a ‘little part-time job’. Guess what, she isn’t super happy.

Also why is the phrase ‘little part-time job’ SO irritating?