AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

OMG bossyrossy.

I have been in a similar position in the legal profession. Have managed to hang on to some sense of a career through exploring non practising options. So any writing, lecturing, dealing with complaints etc - is there anything like that you could do to retain a connection and the possibility of continuing with surgical training at a later date?

On their deathbed most people want their family and loved ones around them. They do not wish that they had worked longer or harder. The thought of losing them focuses the mind on what is important. You may not become a surgeon but the skills you have learnt will not be wasted, you can channel your talents in other ways when your children are less dependent on you but right now they need you. Their formative years are for you and your partner to mould and if they are in a nursery all day, every day, and are faced with two exhausted parents when they are at home then life isn’t going to be fun for anyone.

Can't your husband do locum work? I know Dr's who earn £1000 a day, work 4 days a week and full time. Adds up to be alot of money, even after tax reduction.

Im a stay at home parent... I had to give my job up, my husband isn't on anything like a regular gps wage but we live in a expensive area and still can go to Disneyland each year, centre parcs and another holiday of his choice.... We live very comfortably so you should maybe review your situation.

You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.

Newsflash: some children have parents and a nanny. It’s not an alternative.

If you believe that a mother’s place is at home, that she should only work out of dire financial necessity and that childcare is ‘wrong’ - then fine, stay at home and don’t work. Be happy that you’ve made the choice you believe is right for women.

Just don’t extrapolate from your choice, that WOHP’s children are somehow less happy, less successful, less emotionally stable. Because they aren’t. And if you need to believe that to feel comfortable with your decision, then that speaks volumes.

As a WOHM I believe wholeheartedly that couples should aim to create balanced lives that each person is happy with. For a few, it might be one partner doing all the earning while the other does all the caring and home stuff. But it shouldn’t surprise us that many couples want a different balance and don’t wish to sacrifice a whole aspect of life. In the case of the OP, she clearly enjoys her profession, she’s worked hard to achieve what she has so far and it’s quite absurd to assume that because she’s the woman, she should automatically sacrifice her career while her husband gets to keep his.

One day you, or one of your kids, might need the OP (or another surgeon who's a parent) to save your life. Perhaps we should all be grateful for the doctors who survive the grueling training so they can help us when we need them.

I have a good friend who was in your position. They now work solely in aesthetics and far fewer hours with much less stress and very good money. They don’t regret it at all.

I don't think most people realise what it takes to become a Doctor of any sort. It's amazing. Sorry, can't give any sensible advice

Do what your heart tells you. You can always pick up the threads again in the future.
PS You may not be able to have the same holidays that you have now, but I’m pretty sure you’ll manage something.

Motherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable

That's quite snitty.

But anyway, imagine saying 'Fatherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable'.
These children have TWO parents.

I'd give up the job and try and go back to it later. Your children are young and will grow up fast then the time will be gone. In situations like this I always imagine if I was in an accident and my life was flashing past me, what would I like to remember, time with my children ! and I wouldn't give a jot about my job.

Just quoting from the report , poorest countries had happiest children where parents were more part time and also mentioned had more meals together.
As an aside and probably related we also have a child obesity problem.

Am sure doctormumoftwo has answered her own question . I. Think we all applaud you for what you’ve achieved with 2 small children but it made me feel anxious just reading about it . If one partner in a marriage is stressed of course it has a knock on effect to rest of family . Careers can be caught up on although yours is more difficult than most .

At some point your health might suffer , I know someone , single parent in different but hugely demanding profession , studied until 3 am after children put to bed , had home cooked meals , kept house organised, had successfull career for 20 years and now has chronic fatigue syndrome which she’s had for 3 years .

Motherhood isn’t easy and a lot of it isn’t instagrammable😊😊

You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.

It's fortunate if you're independently wealthy, so parents can not work and raise their children.

Give up for a couple or three years during which you can study for your Fellowship or Membership and maybe even do a course which many have found invaluable. Then consider going back to work.

I'll get shot down in flames for this but you asked for opinions so I'll give you mine.
You have kids, you raise them.
Children need their parents, not a nanny.
Yes there are cases where mum working isn't avoidable and I take my hat off to those that have to work, its not easy.
But if you dont have to work, why would you when you have children at home.
To the poster that said children need you less as they get older, rubbish. They need you more and more.
In your position I would move to a different part of the country where a doctors salary gets you a garden & holidays and give up work to raise the children I birthed (you must live in the grounds of Buckingham Palace if a GP cant afford that already)

Do everything you can to continue with your job. Your children will be fine. You will only end up resenting things later on in life including your husband if you give it up.

Oh, and for the record I will soon face the same choice myself. I plan to work as long as my husband is working, and we will retire earlier together.

I can also anecdotally tell about a colleague who said his family struggled for some years with paying nannies and au pairs all of the money his wife made in her entry level job in marketing, but he says it is now the best thing ever as she makes a good 70k a year and it's under a different tax allowance than his income so makes them really well off and they are considering buying a holiday home abroad, etc.

I am not saying it is not tough work but seems to me it will be worth it if you can stick it out!

This is a crying shame. There should be better support available for well educated people in your position to make family life work without making you choose between career and family. Why the government does not create subsidised nursery places for working mothers is beyond my comprehension!

Think about it this way, what will you do when the kids grow up and your husband still has to work as you are on just one salary? And what role model for your kids will you be to show that women stay at home to change nappies while the husband goes out to make money? Also imagine if at some point (not something anyone wants to think about, but it has to be considered) you are alone, either through divorce or some other reason (who knows, right?) you'll be wishing you had your fully fledged doctoral qualification to fall back on to make money. Please stick it out so you've got your papers. It'll be tough, but worth it for the financial security and your professional fulfilment long term, and you won't feel like you wasted all this time in training so far for nothing. Go girl - you can do it!

It's a very difficult situation and either way, huge compromises.

Speaking from a similar potion (not medicine, law), I can say that giving up my studies when I became a mum is the biggest regret of my life.

Ar the time, it seemed like the best decision but 15 years later, I see it as theost impactful 'mistake' I ever made.

As long as you are a good parent whose actions and emotional support make the children feel loved and safe, not being there physically or to play as often as they need etc, has less impact than people think

If I could go back - I'd definitely not make the same decision.

I'm a single mum who is over qualified for lots of jobs and, on paper, u der qualified for others. By now, I'd be earning double what I do.

I do hope that you will stick to your plans, a good nanny would see you through the worst few years. So many women whom I know have done that, its touch for heavens sake finish your training. You can always take some time after that with some hope of going back.

Is your partner having this dilemma? Is he considering giving up his hard won position to be a stay at home parent? If you sacrifice your hopes and dreams for your children might you resent them in the future? Especially when they are being moody teenagers. Find a good Nanny and set aside a day a week each to focus on your children entirely. They will grow up and leave. If reading this post makes you angry then maybe you have already decided on your heart that you need to stay at home.

I hate managing without things when I don’t need to.
I had a childhood of managing without.
Reader - it was shit.

It never ceased to amaze me what we could manage without

Well good for you! It never ceases to amaze me how lucky I am to have reached a stage in my career where working part-time is an option. I'm amazed by how much my children gain from the luxuries that we wouldn't have if I didn't have an income.

I also benefited from luxuries that wouldn't have been possible without two working parents.

I know should shit happen, I could go back full time and keep my family above water. That's a massive benefit to keeping your career going.