AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

Why do people feel the need to say over and over again on these threads that 'you never get the time back'? Is this a common misconception that needs correcting, that you might get a second go at your children's childhood so you can have a practice run first? Are there other types of time you can get back? If I accept that I can't relive DS's first year can I have being 21 back? This time round I think I'll just wear a bikini and kiss good-looking boys for the whole year.

Haven’t RTFT but as a 41 y/o mum of a now 14 and 11 year old. I regret giving up my career as I’m now doing a low paid job which could quite frankly be done by a monkey and my kids are never home, too busy out with their friends etc. I’m bitter today because I’ve fought with the eldest but, honestly, they won’t need you so desperately forever. Maybe finish the training then work p/t if possible?. I’m not sure but think carefully OP. Best of luck whatever you decide.

There are a lot of posters talking about how important it is to dedicate your life to children and career can wait. Notice how none of them has suggested that OP's DH gives up his job to nurture his children..

And no, in some careers you can't just pop out for 10 years and pick it up again. It's like climbing Mount Everest, and just before you get to the top, saying that nah, I'll come back some other time.

I changed jobs, went part time, fairly big pay cut. No regrets.
(Not a surgeon or anything remotely as amazing! that’s a lot of study to say goodbye to) huge decision!
Is there anything else you could do in that field, in a few years? Or anything in a related area you could do part time now? Big decision, good luck!

I've been on MN for years but never post. Couldn't ignore this one. I'm a consultant physician. Worked part-time since ST4 level. Work sort of part-time now. Have had bad times and good. Have bust my ass to get the job I wanted, then not always wanted it when I got it.
My kids are late teens now. I sometimes wish I'd spent more time with them, that they'd spent less time in after school club but I can't regret my career. It has contributed to me being the person I am and the mum that they know. They think I'm a great mum (mostly), they have lots of great memories and they're super proud of me, even more so since Covid.

Haven't got time to RTFT but I'd advise not to give up on medicine completely but consider different specialty or grade. You may be fixed on a specific branch of surgery but there are soooooo many careers in medicine and so many routes to get there.
Consider a non-training post, even in surgery. Consider getting to surgery later, maybe via CESR. If you want to be a highly specialised surgeon in a fancy hospital the competition will be fierce and your work-life balance will be awful. If you can tolerate something more general somewhere more mundane you'll find employment. There is a lot of snobbishness in medicine about working in London or wherever - don't buy into that. Choose a nice area, get a nicer job. I don't know if you can contact me directly but I'm happy to help. Stick with it, but maybe not with training in surgery. Be happy

I sympathise with you, your post really put an ache in my heart.
The way I see it, careers and jobs are one thing when you don't have children. But once we have made the decision to bring children into our lives, we need to put things into perspective. Before deciding to have children it is so incredibly important to decide whether that child will be able to receive your nurture and care and quality time and love. In the younger years especially of a child's life, it is so vital that you are close so they can relate their feelings of happiness or sadness, so you can be there as their warmth.
The way you relate it, it seems as though there isn't a financial need, and that your career is actually acting as a vicious cycle. It isn't helping your family life and whilst you enjoy your job, it is also making you miserable.
Children will never grow small again, you will never get this time back. Cuddle them, listen to their voices speak excitedly about the most trivial of things, and always give them a listening ear.
A career is something that can be achieved later on in life, it isn't impossible.
End of the day, what are the real joys of this world?
I hope you make the best decision

I shall tell my children - all grown up and happy and successful that they needed me more growing up.
I suspect they’ll laugh 😂

Children need their parents, not a nanny.

Do they? I mean I feel yes they need their parents, but not 24/7. I like that DS is happy and secure with being in childcare, and he loves being around us too- I think it's good for children to be honest to be around others their age and in different environments.

Also the no one wishes they worked more, yeah but they might well wish they'd followed their passion and carried on with the last bit of their training to continue on in a job they love, that makes a difference to the world, and can provide financial stability, rather than giving that up and hoping for any job years down the line.

As the mum of two boys now in their 20's who were in nursery/school from 8am to 6pm from being a few weeks old all I can say is do what is right for you.
I chose to work and discussed it with them when they where in their teens, they wanted me to work and appreciated that it improved their standard of living.
I asked them about it again in their 20's and they both said they didn't feel that they missed out on anything.

Haven’t read the full thread so not sure I’d this has been said but there is way too much snobbery in the medical field as if selling your soul and missing your kids childhood on the path to hallowed consultancy is ok.
Get off the training treadmill and find a trust grade job somewhere doing something you enjoy that let’s you have the best of both worlds. Idiots might try and make you feel like a less worthy doctor but actually you’d be the smart one who actually worked out how to have a good career with a work life balance.
There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise!

Some of these latest posts are downright insensitive and offensive. Have any of you read the full thread FFS?

There have been loads of posts upthread about people who regretted (or whose mothers regretted) giving up their careers. TraderJoe's post about her Mum was particularly grim. So many medics have come onto this thread to explain why you can't just drop out of medicine and pick it up again a few years later. Please read the thread and take on board what people who know what they're talking about are saying!

Opportunities will arise for more ‘Mummy friendly‘ jobs if that is what you want Jesus Christ perhaps OP's DH could get a "Daddy Friendly" job and go to sports day etc

@doctormumoftwo- I think it would be a huge mistake to give up your career.

I think some of the posters on here don't understand that you can't just quit for a few years and start up again when the children are older. Medicine simply doesn't work like that as you know. Some others, I suspect, don't have professional jobs at this level and haven't invested the same amount of blood, sweat and tears into their qualifications and working lives not to speak of the financial outlay that you will have made over the years.

I'm a doctor too (not a surgeon) and I know and have worked with many other doctors. It's very unlikely, given my knowledge of my friends and colleagues that life as a SAHP would suit you in the medium/long term. Apart from that, you would lose your income, be throwing away all your training, your pension and all the other potential benefits.

I would definitely look to replace your nanny (I think you said you are trying to do this) and consider whether side stepping into another speciality might work. It's worth taking some time to think about this and seeing a medical career advisor if you can find one. There might be other specialties that work better for you and the family which wouldn't take as much of your time and energy.
Good luck.

Consider academia OP....A couple of medics I was acquainted with did postdoctoral work in MRI providing clinical experience for trials

There will be roles in lecturing I am sure

Palliative medicine as well seems to be a little less intense

www.rcseng.ac.uk/careers-in-surgery/women-in-surgery/

Just to add to those who have said you have to do what feels right for you and your family. Have you seen women in surgery group? (Above) Also careers counseling via RCS ?
If he gets appointed elsewhere you could transfer out of area to somewhere where you could have a better lifestyle/garden etc.
Can you afford to move to get a spare bedroom and have live in help?

Just to add, our actual doctor has 3 kids and was in the same position as you. They were all under 6/7. At that point she quit as she said it simply didnt work though her surgery days were 2 but she had other admin etc to do obviously. If you continue you can have a full time nanny to look after the kids. i know a doctor couple who do this. I am not sure if you continue in a lesser role until your kids are a bit olfer and postpone the surgeon exams until then? my dad was a surgeon with exmas throughout hiws life so i can sympathise. I am not sure where you live to have small flat tho, knightbridge?? Why did the nanny quit? message me if you want as we are 10 now and have seen it all with families ....

‘Mummy friendly’ jobs

All, I can say is I gave up my career to be a SAHM and I have no regrets. I know it’s a privilege to be able to do so although we’re by no means wealthy. I just knew I wanted to be the sort of Mum that took DD to and from school, went to all the assemblies and school trips, swimming lessons, dance classes, helped with homework etc etc. All of this was not possible with my career and since I had to put off having a child for longer than I wanted I basically didn't want to miss a moment!
She’s leaving for Uni this month .... the years fly by and in the blink of an eye she’s all grown up. I’m so glad I savoured every moment of her childhood. On the downside, I may feel at a bit of a loss now, although I have a little ‘very part-time’ job and hobbies.
Opportunities will arise for more ‘Mummy friendly‘ jobs if that is what you want. I understand how hard you’ve worked to get where you are but if you are not feeling happy on a daily basis then maybe let it go.

I do empathise and wish I could help. Only you know what is right for you and your family. I have been where you are now but been limited further by being a single mother in a rural area with little child care. Oh the the heart wrenching feeling of failure. I powered on and have a wonderful relationship with my son who is so proud of my achievements and I think inspired by them. We are as close as it is possible to be. Keep going.

OP has said she had a nanny and plans to seek another.

We only kept children in the nursery during our working hours, I didn't know of this all day every day option.

I also work in a Breakfast and after school club with parents that have children in nursery and school who are only little and the parents are doctors/gp's. I can imagine it's hard work but couldn't you get a new nanny maybe and a tutor.

if they are in a nursery all day, every day, and are faced with two exhausted parents when they are at home then life isn’t going to be fun for anyone.

That is SO offensive.

I would keep my job, look into moving if possible and change schools.

What century?