AIBU to give up a life's work to see my kids grow up

I’ve always thought the deathbed comment is utterly inane. I’ve always imagined that when looking back on their life, most people will feel proud of their achievements and experiences - which I imagine include career highlights, places visited, people met, and yes, family relationships too. It’s lovely to see that Theld’s experience confirms that.

I am immensely thankful that I was able to have children and raise them into wonderful adults but there are many other facets of life I feel proud of too, including my career, people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had through my work life.

Blimey. All this talk about not having this time back! OP isn’t thinking of joining a research base in the Arctic. However many hours she works, she will be living with her children and being their mother. She will see all those stages, just not 24/7.

When I worked part time, I ended up doing so much unpaid work in my own time that eventually it made sense to get paid properly and work more hours.

We ran ourselves absolutely ragged working around the children when actually buying in childcare might have been better. My colleague had a full time nanny for years who did the kids laundry, lunchboxes and cleaned their bedrooms. They had a cleaner twice a week. Meanwhile we were up to our eyes with juggling.

We are at a point of maximum responsibility in work but the kids are growing up, going to University. We are looking ahead to retirement. We have financial security. We can support our kids with getting started in life.

One of my DDs had difficult to diagnose appendicitis on and off for 4 months which ended with her being really unwell. It was horrendous and as an HCP I get a little flashback when the A&E is congested message pops up on screen in work. Through the whole ordeal, the female doctors and in particular the female surgeon and her registrar were amazing. We need women and men working in all specialties.

My mum called earlier this evening to tell me she has been nominated for a prestigious award for her work. Am I (or is she) regretting she didn't dedicate 100% of her life to taking care of her children? Of course not. I do not think we have been terribly damaged by this, quite the opposite.

I guess they more usually talk about their children and grandchildren as a present source of joy than a past reminiscence because usually those relationships grow and change over a whole lifetime and aren't confined just to a few childhood years.

This and those early childhood years are^ short which is why, if you have a career you love, it can be a positive part of your life long after your children are independent.

I know a doctor couple who have managed this by both switching to part time hours on different schedules so someone is mostly there with the kids (and can supplement with locums if you need extra money for a holiday or whatever
But it worked really well for them and their boys x

That’s a nice post, @Theld. I will absolutely be one of those careerist nonogenarians.

Being an older people's Dr means I really do get to talk to quite a lot of people who are on their deathbeds. To be quite honest those that literally are ain't exactly talkative

But of those who are elderly and nearing the end of their lives they very often love talking about their jobs. Teachers, engineers, builders, architects, scientists, people who worked in factories and on the land. Usually their faces light up and they delight in telling me about their best career moments and that's men and women. I don't get the impression any of them regret it. Far from it.

Regrets are more usually about failed relationships and estranged family members and having been a SAHP doesn't seem to protect you from that particularly.

Some people do tell me how much they enjoyed child rearing but I'd say less. I guess they more usually talk about their children and grandchildren as a present source of joy than a past reminiscence because usually those relationships grow and change over a whole lifetime and aren't confined just to a few childhood years.

For retired Drs of both sexes they usually love being addressed as Dr and spoken to as a colleague. It's nearly always still a source of huge pride and pleasure to them and I have not yet found one who expressed regret despite them often telling me what hard work it was.
It is really fulfilling work being a Dr. It is a privilege in many ways.
I would not give it up easily and I will definitely be telling them to address me as Dr and having an opinion on my choice of laxatives when I'm 90 and demented in a care home.

Just because I want to work doesn't mean I look down on SAHPs

I will freely admit that I 'ain't got it' when it comes to full time parenting of small children. I could barely stand maternity leave. I was insanely depressed the first time and just bored the second time. I honestly think my kids are better off with me not being forced into that role and doing it with a bad grace.

That is why I think both parents should have the choice to work as much as they want and parent as much as they want. Split 50:50 or go with 1 at home 1 at work but let it be a free choice not always the mother who has to stay home for no good reason. If you love it and you are good at it and your partner can and wants to support you then that is all good. Just please let's not decide it based on sex. Dads need to be equal parents.

I can also confirm that my Danish friend says being a stay at home mum is not a concept in Denmark or Norway. The maternity leave is so generous for both parents and the childcare so good and cheap that hardly anyone chooses to give up work there as it is possible to share things much more evenly. I remember how surprised she was that things were not the same here.

All these deathbed comments. My dad is hopefully not on his deathbed just yet but he's very seriously ill. It's been clear to me when visiting that he's been lying there mulling over his career triumphs. Definitely not how he should have spent more time with his family. I don't mind. I know he loved his career and both he and my mum are absolutely passionate about what they do/did even now they're 80ish. It's good for parents to have objectives and enthusiasms beyond their children.

Besides, I selfishly want him to have the best choice of doctors, not just the ones who've managed to find a stay at home partner or stay childfree.

I’m kinda grappling with this too at the moment but in law. Have 1 2 year old DC and another in the way. Was getting to top of career a few years ago but was v stressful and I wanted kids so quit. Did a non practising role 4 days a week.

Bored out my skull and want to go back to client facing role but know will massively miss out on my kids lives (and will need FT nursery) if I do as with my specialism there is simply no part time option, it just won’t work.

Can’t decide whether to sacrifice my sanity (being bored as shit) to give them time with me. It’s bloody hard.

Hi, sounds you are in the eye of the career storm at the moment, you and your husband have demanding jobs and you also have small children.

I would urge you not to give this up and try to ride out this storm for the next few years. Your children will be OK as they have interested and engaged parents. The guilt doesn't go away even if you change jobs.

Me and my husband both have big jobs, our kids were in nursery 7am to 6pm every day. Honestly they are fine. The fact that you have chosen to specialise in surgery tells me how driven you are. The nanny will definitely help.

I was made redundant in 2017, I effectively did not work for a year, I did enjoy spending time with my children but I definitely was not fulfilled. I have a new level of respect for stay at home care givers. I am a better parent when I have a career.

Good luck

Hello,
I put my son into nursery a week after he turned 1, trained, worked, returned to uni to graduate when he turned 6. I was deeply unhappy about those decisions for many years. Got a lot of negativity from many quarters. But here's the thing, my DS is a very happy stable boy considering he's grown up in a single parent household.
If you wanted to give up work it would be totally fine but sounds like you are really passionate about your work.
You can do it

And don't forget they can't just up sticks and move to another part of the country. The criteria for inter deanery transfers are very rigid.

I'll have to say it again for all those advising OP to 'step back' 'take a break' 'come back to it later'

You can't take a break and go back to surgery later
Not at all. No chance. You quit you quit for good.

If you try to take a break or stop progressing in medicine within the first about 5 years of junior training posts your degree will be worth nothing. You have to get postgrad experience and exams to be able to work at all. Just having the degree doesn't open the door to any stable job that you can just stay in at a low level. Those jobs don't exist in medicine. They are all filled by people progressing up from the bottom through a rigid training structure.

All your degree entitles you to is a succession of 6 month training posts that you need to pass each year. If you fail early on you don't work as a Dr at all. You need to make it at minimum 2 years and most likely 5 in training posts to have any hope of a permanent position even as a staff grade.

The option to take recognised time out in research and come back would only be available at registrar level ie at least 5 years full time post graduation.

The system is administered at a national level for each specialty to control numbers and you have a training number. If you take too much time out or you 'fail to progress' you lose your training number and thereby your job and prospects and it would be very hard to ever get it back because you would be competing with each years new grads.

The minimum length training for a permanent job is currently for GP which takes 5 years full tome after graduation. Other specialties take 8-10 years full time to become a consultant and you would need to complete at least 5 to be able to get a non-training staff grade post even.

If OP quits now without completing CT3 and membership exams she may not be employable in any job in medicine at all despite her degree and all these years of training so far.
There are no little part time jobs to divert into. You might be lucky to get a staff grade job but you might not.

Cuddle them, listen to their voices speak excitedly about the most trivial of things, and always give them a listening ear. Ah yes you can't possibly work and do these things. I honestly think some women kid themselves into thinking that because they don't want to work. It's fine if you don't and can get by without benefits but it doesn't mean it's the only way to be a good parent. No one ever says this to men.

OscarWildesCat Haven’t RTFT but as a 41 y/o mum of a now 14 and 11 year old. I regret giving up my career as I’m now doing a low paid job which could quite frankly be done by a monkey and my kids are never home, too busy out with their friends etc.

Are you really stuck in your current role or can you start something new? You've got another 25 working years ahead of you. I went very p/t for a few years when DS was younger, then took a low pay term-time only job and now he's a teen have a better unrelated job.

You have kids, you raise them. do you and your partner live off benefits then @Angrywife?

You need to follow your instinct OP & obviously have the full agreement of your partner. I gave up a well-paid, exciting and only upwards trajectory career because I simply wanted to be with my son more than that job allowed me to be. The flip side was that I couldn’t only do that, for financial reasons and because frankly, going to work is a hell of a lot easier than 100% at home. I was also a single-parent & felt the sting that stigma bitterly so it was important to me to support myself. It wasn’t easy, especially the massive pay cut, but I very much wanted to be there for him & not always be juggling. A part-time job became more hours & more responsibility & then suddenly by default more than design, I was made MD of an SME. The juggling was horrid and when I was put under immense pressure by a new company owner I had a breakdown. I left. I got a new P/T job with no prospects & we were very happy again! When he was about 13, I got a full time role and it’s been great, I’ve been promoted a few times and whilst I’ll never get to the earning power of the original career, we’ve got enough and a head full of glorious memories too.

doctormumoftwo, whatever you decide for now I am sure you will go back to your career and fulfill those dreams.

For the record I've known several doctors with children who worked full time. Two in particular come to mind, both consultants; one had three children and the other four. They employed nannies, very good ones, but their children came first in everything and grew up beautifully. They had good annual leave entitlement and great family holidays. Husbands were also consultants and committed to family life.

The children loved having successful mothers and were proud of them.

It is possible to have a demanding career and be a good parent so don't be downhearted if you have to pause for a while.

Hi there . I personally never once regretted having a career break in a surgical specialty . Was a Reg . Came back after 5 years as part time SAS grade and was the envy of friends who soldiered on or gave up . As with most parenting decisions, I hope you let yourself follow your instinct. X

If you are thinking about it you obviously want to do
It !
Right?
I would say do it !!
I’m a Nanny so I know what you’re missing
I know my job depends on you guys working but
If I was a Mum I would totally quit working !!

In a family - both parents ideally wouldn't be working full time. My husband is a lawyer and as his earning potential is more, we decided he would be the career person and I will be the one spending more time at home. I decided to be a GP on medical school. I did my hospital specialities whilst having one child - those days there were 24 hr on calls and I collapsed from exhaustion during one of them. I did my training full time so when my eldest was almost 3, I would finish and work part time. Since then I feel I had the best of both worlds.

Surgical training is hard. Once your husband qualifies is he able to sacrifice for a few years until you finish your training?

Have you talked to other female surgeons (I know there aren't many for the same reasons). Find out how they did it.

I was lucky to be supported by my in laws whilst I was training. But I knew there was an end in sight..... is completing your training full time an option so you get it done quicker and have a higher chance of getting the exposure you need?

Even if you spend all your salary, outsource everything else -cleaning, cooking etc. so when you are at home, you can focus on your family.

hardback I had twins second time round.
Can I swap the nine months pregnancy for a back pack around South America with Tom Hardy?